[exhaustedwife]

I’ve never wrote anything like this before.

For the past 18months/2years my husband has become dependent on cocaine.

He changed completely, we had a mutual separation in January this year however were still on good terms and spoke about the future. We have 3 children who are so confused.

He would be so paranoid argumentative toxic, blame me for the way things become. He would prioritise cocaine over us. Spend all of our money without a second thought. The lies are the worst I think. I was found messages to another woman asking to meet up however he insists he never acted on it. Over a 10 year period I supported him and helped him.

Last week he went missing for a week and didn’t contact anyone, lots of people were worried sick. He then resurfaced a week later, he had been drinking and taking copious amounts of coke the whole week, says he wants to die etc.

He is claiming he has had a breakdown and is battling with himself and his mind.

He now has no answers or time for me. Won’t speak face to face and I’m not allowed to speak to him incase it upsets.

I don’t know if I’m being selfish but what about me? What about my children?

I didn’t ask for this and feel like my future has been stolen from me. I don’t know if any of this makes sense.

Xx

[heartbroken88]

I’m so sorry you are going through this,

but yes it makes sense to us that are in this situation.

I found out at new year that my husband has a secret cocaine addiction, after almost two years of watching my marriage decline and not really knowing why – it all suddenly made sense. At first I was relieved to know why and thought it could be fixed but it only seemed to spiral more out of control. We were already living separately- he had the breakdown and suicidal threats/ thoughts pre finding out about the drugs – this all came again after the admission and like you my husband won’t talk to me, blames me for everything, goes awol and has little to do with our very young children (im safeguarding them anyway) and he is extremely manipulating and emotionally abusive. Generally he just acts like none of this is a problem and it’s me with the problem.

I too ask what about me/ us why weren’t we enough, when will he see the light, is it really me and not him that’s caused this. It’s a stolen life / future and it’s a grief but one that keeps throwing curve balls when they decide to become more ‘human’ but I’ve found in my husbands case that’s only to try and start manipulating again as it’s never sincere and never lasts.

It’s like emotional whiplash.

I’ve started divorce proceedings, although this devastates me. I gave a chance for him to figure himself out separately but the cocaine is just more important or has had such a grip that he doesn’t think rationally anymore. Some days he wants his family back the next minute he doesn’t – that’s no life for us to be messed around. That’s without the betrayal and lack of trust!

I struggle every day with the loss of our future and our plans and finding myself a single parent (completely as he is absolutely unreliable and also not allowed access until he sorts himself) we had a nice life – professional people with good jobs and no real worries.

This site is comforting in knowing others relate as generally in life I’ve not met many who could! Affairs and normal marriage breakdowns but finding out your husband has a secret coke habit – it’s off the charts!

Look after yourself xx

[exhaustedwife]

Wow! Your reply resignates so much with me.

My husband like yours became somebody I didn’t recognise. Our marriage was breaking down and I didn’t know why for 18months the arguments over stupid things became unbearable- I now know this is due to cocaine abuse.

We started living apart from January this year as it become unbearable.

Recently used our separation as an excuse for his breakdown and suicide thoughts however I had an open door policy he could come and spend time with us when ever he wanted, he had tea with us and seen then children all the time. He says he can’t speak to me because I am the one he let down the most. But I’m just unsure about that reason. He was a brilliant dad but I now feel I can not trust him with them or their minds.

He doesn’t see any concern for other people or how his actions affect them, all about his feeling and his help etc.. but like you said we are now left reeling from their actions with no explanation and no future that we had planned. Its been stolen away from us.

It is emotional whiplash.

Same. I gave chance after chance for 10 years lots of support. I was hoping for a future with my husband but now I’m afraid that is not going to happen. Its so sad.

I am also struggling everyday or hour of the day. Life was good, we had good jobs and were comfortable until he blew all the money. He has support and people worrying for him but what about us that are left. Us that are meant to be strong but feel crippled.

I hate being told not to take it personally because it is personal. It’s our life.

Exactly cocaine abuse is a stigma and you’re made to feel embarrassed and can’t talk about it openly. Xx

Thank you so much for your reply. Take care xxx

[esta]

With addiction it seems you get the initial shock discovery of the sickness and then you keep getting hit again and again with the fallout of lies and manipulation

You both end up sicker and sicker physically and mentally as you get pushed apart by addiction and suffer separately and your bond gets destroyed.

[exhaustedwife]

Wow! Your reply resignates so much with me.

My husband like yours became somebody I didn’t recognise. Our marriage was breaking down and I didn’t know why for 18months the arguments over stupid things became unbearable- I now know this is due to cocaine abuse.

We started living apart from January this year as it become unbearable.

Recently used our separation as an excuse for his breakdown and suicide thoughts however I had an open door policy he could come and spend time with us when ever he wanted, he had tea with us and seen then children all the time. He says he can’t speak to me because I am the one he let down the most. But I’m just unsure about that reason. He was a brilliant dad but I now feel I can not trust him with them or their minds.

He doesn’t see any concern for other people or how his actions affect them, all about his feeling and his help etc.. but like you said we are now left reeling from their actions with no explanation and no future that we had planned. Its been stolen away from us.

It is emotional whiplash.

Same. I gave chance after chance for 10 years lots of support. I was hoping for a future with my husband but now I’m afraid that is not going to happen. Its so sad.

I am also struggling everyday or hour of the day. Life was good, we had good jobs and were comfortable until he blew all the money. He has support and people worrying for him but what about us that are left. Us that are meant to be strong but feel crippled.

I hate being told not to take it personally because it is personal. It’s our life.

Exactly cocaine abuse is a stigma and you’re made to feel embarrassed and can’t talk about it openly. Xx

Thank you so much for your reply. Take care xxx

[dot]

I’m so sorry to read this. Brings back memories of my actions in the past and the breakdown of what was my old marriage.

I’m 12 months clean tomorrow. Maybe I wasn’t willing to change for my ex god knows. We rarely talk now I just go pick the kids up when am supposed too and that’s that.

Everything you both said reasonanted with my old behaviour and it took my ex wife to leave me for good for me to get clean. Thankyou for sharing your stories and I hope and wish you find a solution but it’s never easy. It’s more of a mental battle and breaking the addiction cycle which isn’t easy at all because it’s the mental addiction that keeps you hooked.. the depression the anxiety etc but once you stop that dissipates after 8-10 weeks…

[lindyloo]

Congratulations Dot, you must be so pleased and your family too.

It’s good to hear positive news.

Keep on doin what yer doin!

Lx

[heartbroken88]

Dot, it’s interesting to speak to someone from your perspective! Well done on being 12 months clean.

The thing that struck me in your message was that you said you maybe you weren’t willing to change… this hits I guess me – the wife of an addict because I often wonder if I’m just not enough and our children to want to change for. Is it as simple as just not being happy in a marriage as to the reason not to get clean?!

My husband is also extremely manipulating and actually controlling and nasty with it. Would you say that’s typical addiction behaviour?!

I’ve actually thought it must be his personality because he is adamant he is off the drugs x

[esta]

As you say it’s a lifetime battle but it can be done

Don’t let that darkness creep into your life again

[starfish1]

Interesting Dot, how often did you take it? was it daily or weekends??

How did you stop?

[dot]

No I’m not saying it’s you at all. Addicts blame everyone else except themselves and as long as they are getting there own way they will continue to do so. Enabling can be anything from letting them continue “letting them live in the same house” giving them money ”

The way the mind works or mind did was that I had to see no benefit of using cocaine anymore so even though cocaine made me feel better when I used it was destroying everything around me and I didn’t care or see it till it was too late.

It steals everything and took me a long time to get where I am. If he’s saying he’s off drugs then drug test him. If he fails he will blame the test and say he’s not but he will do anything to keep things as they are.

My advice is start with a random test don’t tell him your gonna do it just say do a urine test for me and watch him do it. Will give you alot of answers. Chemists sell them.

I’d also advise looking up charities and learn about the drug to understand it better.

Don’t ever feel you aren’t good enough because that’s what it makes people be like to continue there life of using and

will do whateverr it takes to continue using it. Whether that be lie, cheat, manipulate or steal

[dot]

Read this post please.

When Someone You Love has an Addiction

Take time it’s long winded but stick with it tell me what you think

[esta]

That article is so good for the partner of an addict

[exhaustedwife]

Thank you. I got so far through that article last night and will pick back up again tonight.

So far it is true and actually makes sense.

It is so sad and so confusing as I know I love my husband but he just isn’t that man anymore and I now have to learn how to deal with that.

How to not always be that support system and enable him in a way. It’s so hard.

[exhaustedwife]

It really is heartbreaking and I’m afraid if I allow him normality in a way I’m enabling his addiction and I just can’t do that.

As much as I want to help and support I have to protect myself and my children.

It’s so sad and soul destroying. The stigma addiction has you also don’t speak about it in conversation I’ve found where as divorce cheating other issues etc you talk about so easily. It’s a lonely battle I find xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for posting. Please don’t think you are being selfish as this is really tough on you and your kids. If you would like some help please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to people going through what you are, dealing with addiction in their family. We have experienced trained people called Family Friends who are really good at listening and would understand what you are going through. Maybe talking to one of them would help you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

Good luck.

[heartbroken88]

That article – I’ve read it before but I re read it and it just becomes more and more relatable and true.

It’s great that it is bang on the experience with the addicted. I wish I could approachthe view to my husband with all these points in mind. It sounds like the person who wrote it has someone close in their life that they knew had an addiction. When that addiction is concealed (and for me I now question if it’s a ‘double life’ my husband always led) and they are your spouse – the manipulation etc is so entwined in your relationship (unknowingly) that I want to say I will be here, I have loved you and I will love you – but I can’t. The treatment towards me has been abusive in nature. And that is where is becomes difficult to know if they are rationally knowing this or if it’s the drugs. My family who know about it all believe it’s his personality and it’s been concealed, the drugs are almost irrelevant because it was a choice which was bad in itself. I felt torn between what my husband says (which usually turns out to be manipulating) and they seeing it as plain as day before it happens and they know nothing on addiction. Because with him there is lie upon lie upon lie. Nothing can be trusted. Things are said and denied being said or known about. It’s a web and we are caught in the middle and the addicted weaves in and out of it coming and going as they please.

For me I also have two young children to think about. And now I’m out of the situation it’s as plain as day what was going on but every time I questioned behaviour I was made to feel guilty or that I was the one with the problems. Yet I still sometimes want to see the best when he acts ‘normal’ (to be manipulated once again – as in he turns nasty after a while – not as in I take him back or anything)

I have no idea how much my husband has spent on this habit as he justifies his money as his own. He acts like a spoilt child, not seeing us as his family (his responsibility!) and me and him as individuals as like our marriage and life never mattered – he paid for x y and z because he is the bigger earner etc so therefore I and his children?!? get the scraps. Surely this is not the effects of drugs!?! I have had to protect us because I don’t know what he has done or what he is capable of and this is why it had to end.

So so sad because I would have liked nothing more than to see him get better and yes I was mortified about the cocaine but I would have honoured my marriage if he got the right help and made the right changes and worked back to ‘us’ if that was ever even real. Unfortunately it only continues to get worse…

[anon1987]

Really resonate with what both you & KellyA have said except me and my son are still living with my husband. My worry is that it would just get worse if we split. He is still a good dad at the moment (except financially) and as we don’t argue in front of our toddler and he does come home every night etc I decided to stay and try to support him a bit longer. My main concern is if I leave I won’t be happy with unsupervised contact and the legal battle that will cause. None of my family or friends knows what’s going on.

[exhaustedwife]

My biggest advice is you have to tell someone, get yourself support and don’t face it alone. Quite often we feel like we will be judged for their actions or sticking by them. My husband is a brilliant but lost his way and addiction has taken over, until he gets that under control he can only have supervised contact with my children I.e his parents are there. It’s not forever but peace of mind.

It’s so so hard and a battle between your head and your heart constantly. Xxx

There is a link on this thread have a read through it. It made me have a better understanding.

It’s so hard and we are quite often the forgotten ones xxx

[exhaustedwife]

Im really struggling with my thoughts and feelings at the moment.

I love my husband and want him in my life but fear that will enable normality for him and thus fire his addiction ???? I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of being hurt let down again. Xx

[anon1987]

Sorry I’ve nothing helpful to say but just sending love to you. Every phase brings new problems and questions doesn’t it. Hope you have some support xx

[dot]

It much be such a horrible feeling and I feel for you I really do. Hate seeing families tore apart but sometimes leaving makes people see clearly.

Do you honestly in your heart believ he will change? If not you are left with no option. You can’t live unhappy forever and things do get easier but it’s that initial taking action. Wish I knew what to suggest to help you…

[exhaustedwife]

This is it! We have been apart since January and were getting on better to am extent. Its torn our family apart. He had a major breakdown a few weeks ago and now I feel like I need to be there. He hasn’t really got anyone else, living in his mums is unhealthy for him. I just wish we could turn our feelings off. Xxx

[starfish1]

Hi, just registered here after reading your story.

I’m in a similar situation. Been with my husband over 5 years married 2. Months after getting married there were issues, few occasions we were out he was a bit obsessive & paranoid. The months that followed he would question if things had moved in the house, like cushions or a chair, anything you wudnt think twice about, i also suspect he would plant things to see if they moved. He always had 3 or 4 cans every evening, and much more Frid to Sun. He didnt like it if i was on my mobile/ FB or messaging friends or family. We had a few short separations it was around this time I found out he was using cocaine. I felt i didnt know the person i had married. Towards the end of last year we split up for 3 months. He stayed with a mate then rented a house. We tried again thinking living apart would be better. At this point he was truthful, he told me he would often forget something in the car thats were the exchange took place most times. Fridays or Saturdays. He told me he had done alot more prior to moving in the rented house. Over coming months I got him to speak to his GP about what I thought was a paranoyer disorder and explain whats been going on. GP said questionning things moving was part of daily life… He was told to contact MIND.

He spent 3 weeks at my house recently, he didnt want to go home, then after work one night I knew he had had something, he admitted it. Later he showed me a dirty video (wasn’t even a sexy video, it was disgusting) he’d been sent off one of the lads and said that’s ur favourite song.. And….. It went on from there he believed it was me & my house. I’ve had a lot of abuse on text and voicemails, he has been accussing me of going with his mates, he is seeing when there online and saying we are messaging! I went out for a couple of hours at weekend and saw him after thinking he might have come to his senses & was sorry, but the following day, I’m cheating and he didn’t believe I’d been in the pub he picked me up from that evening, I just went there and asked my Auntie to cover my story according to him. Today I found out he had messaged the landlady trying to get cctv of me there! I think he was clingy and freightend of losing me anyway, but the cocaine and beer has exaberated the situation.

I too am struggling to understand the cocaine use, was he reliant if it was just a friday or saturday to begin with? I’m certain it’s more the past 2 weeks going off the accusations and abuse?

Sorry if I’ve gone on a bit!

[exhaustedwife]

Hi Starfish1, it’s really sad. How cocaine can turn the most decent loyal human being into a lying manipulative paranoid person.

It literally destroys people and family and its everywhere. Normalised all too often.

There are so many helpful posts on here and lots of people in the same situation.

You are not alone so please reach out.

Xx

[dot]

Hi starfish, I’m 1 year 1 week and a few days.

I used too have near enough a teenth a day at one point 1.7g (Was in a good job)

I have a post on how I stopped it’s called where do I start.

Routine. Hard work. Persistence. A good diet. Going gym.

All of the above to be fair. My wife left and I was locked up I said no more… I come down in a prison cell and I had moved myself into a hotel away from everyone for atleast 9 weeks of say.

[starfish1]

Wow, you have done amazing you should be so proud of urself. And to train to help others, we’ll done.

[dot]

I start volunteering at cgl in two weeks helping others. I want to get qualified in helping others like myself. Gonna push towards a social worker degree in the long run

[franktnochi]

This is my first post here. I am clean now for 4 months from cocaine and I put my wife through hell and back with it.

I would do anything on it and I mean anything, it was shameful.

The final straw for me was being caught AGAIN and my wife telling me that she did not know if she could stay with me but if she didn’t that my kids would not be able to see me either as she would not let them come and stay with me if i had a drug problem.

I managed to get to speak to a counsellor and that has made a big difference but I hate to say it, if I didn’t finally want to stop then all the counselling in the world wouldn’t have made any difference.

I hope your husband can make the decision for himself sooner rather than later.

[heartbroken88]

Wow it’s really interesting to hear the other side of how the addicted think and what they do!

Although my husband has lost me and he hasn’t seen his kids properly in months, can’t see them for safeguarding and it still hasn’t made a difference!

[franktnochi]

I am sorry to hear that. I have taken drugs all my adult life, started smoking dope at 16, then speed, E’s, Cocaine, MDMA, M-Cat, Ketamine etc etc. I am now 43.

I had to re invent myself and I have managed to do it so far but I have removed almost all temptations. I can still drink which I am happy about as socially I enjoy having a drink with friends and family but as far as going pubbing/clubbing I won’t be able to do that for a while I don’t think or ever again (suppose being that im 43 I should be stopping that anyway lol)

I never thought I would end up in the situation I got myself in, i really didn’t. I hear people saying all the time that they aren’t addicted when i can see that they are. It’s a real shame.

[heartbroken88]

Wow it’s really interesting to hear the other side of how the addicted think and what they do!

Although my husband has lost me and he hasn’t seen his kids properly in months, can’t see them for safeguarding and it still hasn’t made a difference!

[icarus-trust]

Hi ,

I’m sorry to read what you and your family are going through because of your husband’s cocaine addiction. It sounds like you could do with some support for yourself so, if you would find it helpful please contact us at Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that offers support to people dealing with addiction in their family like you, as we know how hard this can be. If you get in touch one of our Family friends, trained and very experienced would talk with you and maybe help you to find a way head.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

[starfish1]

Thankyou for your reply. It would be interesting to find out more, does using it say once a week get you hooked, only my husband has been saying he can stop if i wants, the told GP thats not the issue he can stop……

I think he has a paranoyer disorder, his behaviour and thinking isnt rational..

[exhaustedwife]

Once a week can definitely get you hooked, I think that’s how the addiction starts. Recreationally then leads on to more and more.

It’s so sad how it completely changes a person. There is a link on this thread called ‘hey Sigmund ‘ it’s really interesting to read xx

[exhaustedwife]

Once a week can definitely get you hooked, I think that’s how the addiction starts. Recreationally then leads on to more and more.

It’s so sad how it completely changes a person. There is a link on this thread called ‘hey Sigmund ‘ it’s really interesting to read xx

[Author]

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