[Jenna321]

I have brain fog even trying to work out what to say. I can’t believe I am needing to write this and don’t know what to say but have a million and one question whirling around my brain CONSTANTLY. I’ve been married to my husband for just over a year and found out a couple of months after the marriage that’s he’s addicted to cocaine. Looking back I can’t believe how stupid I have been and how I didn’t trust myself and the signs sooner but the lies and deceit did the age old thing of making me ask the question ‘is it me? Am I crazy?’,

I’m at the beginning of this ‘journey’ of a spouse trying to work through adapting to a relationship with an addict and have a million questions (which I know can’t necessarily be answered) here’s a few…

1. How can I help him?
2. How do I make it better?

3. What does he need from me?

4. Will he ever change?
5. if he changes, will my life be a constant worry of relapse?
6. Am I being dramatic?
7. WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
8. Should I get out now?
9. Can we start a family – and if not how when will I be able to trust that it’s possible?
…

the questions are endless. We don’t have children, but I must admit I want more than anything to start a family and ‘get on with our life together’. My rational self knows that we can’t do that yet but I’m 32 already so how do I make a decision between ‘through sickness and health’ (and wanting more than anything to be happily married to him) and ‘get out now while you can and don’t have the added complications of trying to protect children through years of this’

I’m brain dumping because I dont want to talk to family and friends right now, just feeling very lost and looking for other peoples experience / advice and thoughts really.
thank you taking the time to read this.

 

 

[thistim3]

You have found a great source of support here.  It is traumatic to experience what you are describing.  You can’t fix him.  He is out of control.  Focus right now on taking care of yourself.  Nar-anon is a great support group, also consider a therapist.

[Jenna321]

Thanks for your reply. I have been talking to a therapist who encouraged me to reach out to support groups and focus on taking care of myself.. it’s just hard to know what that actually means… I like to be in control and so this is my worst nightmare because I can’t be in control of it. i go back and forth between.. ‘yes we can do this it will just take time’ to ‘if I need to leave, do it sooner rather than later as I’m just wasting my life’. There is no magic ball to look into the future but I just desperately want to know if we can get through it.

He has taken the first step to get therapy (I have been trying to encourage it for a longtime) and it really started to make a positive impact but when the going has got tough he’s stepped away from it and not going consistently every week – however he has managed to do it so that’s the first step right? He has a family history with addiction as his mum is an alcoholic so I think as he has started to need to delve in that a bit more he’s now running away from it.

I’ve read some positive stories but the most on here seem to be people going through years and years of pain and relapses and I just don’t want to be messaging on here in 10 years time with 2 kids thinking ‘I literally knew this would happen, it’s my own fault’. 🙁

[thistim3]

This (his addiction) is not your fault. You can’t control it.  The only thing you can control is yourself.  If I had known what was happening and what was going to happen before pregnant with our first – I wouldn’t be with him now.  So weird to feel this after loving him since I met him when I was a teenager.  What he has put me through with this I wouldn’t want for anyone.  Our oldest stopped by last night and we talked about the fun we had all those years ago.  And I feel like I have a victory over the cocaine as I am proud of the way I did live during those years.  I was scared and lonely with my husband during his cocaine years (I didn’t know what was happening to him until he quit). He was awful.  I still found a way to be happy anyways.  I realized recently that I still can’t tell him how much money I have. In my purse, in my bank account, in my retirement account – anywhere. I still can’t trust him with this information. It’s not something I’m proud of.  It is a consequence of his behavior all those years ago.  A choice I made for myself at that time.  To take care of myself. To take care of our children.

[bythesea21]

Hi Jenna, your story is the same as mine only I have been married a couple more years. I am so sorry you are going through this. I found out in June that my husband was taking cocaine on and off for 1.5 years. I was and still am completely devastated. I didn’t realise initially how bad it was until he released for a while and never told me. That was worse than finding out the first time because this time he told me he wasn’t taking it. He has been clean from August, also seeing a counsellor but I just don’t think my heart is in it anymore. My whole body is trying to tell me “what are you still doing here its wrong” but here I am. I was fine for a bit but this week I’ve just been so down, like the realisation has just hit me again. Mine was also drinking while taking drugs at work so drink driving, disgusting I know. His parents are also big drinkers, maybe not alcoholics but grew up in a party house basically so I know those habits have rubbed off on him. How long was your husband taking cocaine for? To be honest I can’t believe this is my life. My head is telling me I should leave and that I don’t even love him anymore but the thought of selling the house etc is killing me, as pathetic as it sounds I don’t want to leave. He also loves me so much and is trying so hard at everything but I worry its a little too late. The thoughts are also constantly swirling around my head and I haven’t a clue what to do.

[fayzey]

Hi Jenna, so sorry you’re going through this, such a shock to find out especially when you’ve not been married long. I guess things depend slightly on how much and how often he’s doing it and how long it’s been going on for – he may not be very open about that information though… there are positive stories on here but as you say a lot of bad ones too. I was in a similar situation to you, really wanted a baby and was maybe a bit blind to what was happening because of that – safe to say it hasn’t been an easy 5 years as things got a lot worse once I was pregnant – if I knew what I know now when I first found out he had a coke problem I would have split up with him straight away (except I could never think that cos of our son).  But mine had a secret life long drug problem so hopefully that’s not the case for you and there’s s more positive outlook. Oh and I paid for therapy but turned out he spent the money on coke and didn’t go so that didn’t work too well! x

[Jenna321]

Hi Guys,

We are on holiday at the moment and I’ve been wanting to use this time to have some open chats with him about the addiction, just 20 minute a day whilst we don’t have work / day to say life getting in the way and basically don’t have any excuse to shy away from it.

He told me yesterday he thinks it started in 2018 which I must admit is longer than I expected, however as my question was ‘when did it take control of you?’ In the same breath he told me he thinks he is in control of it. Which causes two reactions (1) total anger (2) sends me back into this feeling of, am I over exaggerating the whole thing? – I know rationally though the answer to nr 2 is that I’m not.

He’s promised he is going to start telling me when he has the urge to take it and stop lying about it but I can’t believe him as I’ve had years of lies (even longer than I’d realised) and I’m so angry, I feel like @bythesea21 and can’t help but think I’m just becoming so resentful of the situation, can it ever really work? @bythesea21 have you started to see an improvement to the relationship? If he’s been off it since August and you’re still feeling this way what is making you dread leaving – is the task of breaking up your life together or actually losing him… both are hard but the second is the only reason I think I could justify staying (though I know im contradicting myself saying this to you!! So easily said, much harder to do). Alternatively, maybe you could try couples therapy as a last chance to reconnect and build the trust back up? You’re not pathetic for wanting to stay, at the end of the day, we could never have imagined we would need to contest with this as one of the challenges in our relationship – talk about a bloody steep learning curve! Make sure you’re looking after yourself, and be selfish day to day – what makes you happy? make sure you keep joy in your life and don’t let him consume you.

@fayzey, how is your relationship now? Thanks for being honest about what you would have done looking back – it’s useful to hear people’s honest opinions. I’ve started asking myself hard questions and at the moment the honest truth is i don’t want kids because I don’t want them with him.. which is strange to say as 2 months ago I was feeling so broody and thinking about getting pregnant and the next stage of our life. I feel like I’m in a lose lose situation as if we have kids I’m 80% sure I’d be saying what you have about looking back and walking away but if I don’t, I’m just going to resent him forever for taking that opportunity away from me. I know I’m putting to much responsibility on him by saying that as I can leave tomorrow if I so choose but he married me, selling a lie and that’s not fair… emotions are all over the place, going back and forth constantly!!

It has taken me by surprise at how much I can relate to others on here and although it’s crappy for it to need to exist Let’s keep talking and support each other through all this rubbish. X

 

 

[kulstar]

Hi Jenna, I replied to your message on other thread 🙂

[bythesea21]

Hi Jenna, I feel somewhat the same as you regarding the kids. Not exactly broody but more recently I have been thinking I might want children but realising probably not with my husband. I know in my mind it isn’t a good idea. So I guess because I’m not sure if I want them or not I’m happy enough to stay for now. Things have gotten better in some senses but I am constantly haunted with the feeling of betrayal. I am so annoyed that I am even in this position. Let’s just say I ignored red flags from the relationship early on and now kicking myself that we are married and I’m stuck in this mess. When it all came out I wondered if this was a sign for me to leave. The problem I have is that he is so loving to me, is everything else I would want in a partner but the addiction and other lies before that have just made me lose more and more attraction towards him. We have been together 15 years so I guess it’s just familiarly keeping us together now. Although he tells me he loves me and wants us to work through this but I keep pushing him away. Honestly I don’t think I can get over it. I have been doing some things to keep me busy lately and that’s great but always in the back of my mind is this situation so it never goes away. I’m already an overthinker so it’s the worst thing to happen to me. Atm I’m just so miserable, if I stay I have to put up with his lies (honestly I feel like a fool) and if I go my whole life will change and I’m stuck with the decision.

Also you definitely aren’t overreacting and you have the right to be angry. It’s horrible to realise someone has kept something from you. For me, he knew that my friends husband was taking it behind her back, told me about it but really he was doing the same to me all along! The deceit is overbearing at times and the lies about the money. How did you find out about his usage? I would say with over time we could get over this but I hate this feeling of not being able to trust someone. I hope you are still having a lovely time on holiday and are relaxing!

[fayzey]

Hey Jenna, hope you’re managing to enjoy your holiday! Hopefully good to spend some time together away from temptation…. it’s hard because you just don’t know if he is definitely telling you everything but I do know lots of people who’ve manage to nip it in the bud when it was mainly a weekend thing with some lifestyle changes and avoiding certain people/situations – if your husband’s really committed then hopefully he could do that – has he thought about going to Cocaine Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, there’s a lot of support on line.

Trust is the main thing for me – I managed to get some kind of trust back but then the last major relapse has kind of messed everything up really as I thought it was all fine and started to relax, only for it to happen again and worse than before – but I had given him lots of chances over 6 years before this and have lived a crazy roller coaster of drama for most of that time!

I’ve now said that he needs to go to NA meetings and make a real effort himself to prove to me he is putting in the hard work needed to change – that’s yet to happen but I’m hoping it will do one day although not feeling too optimistic at present.  luckily we weren’t linked financially and it’s my house and I stopped giving him any money long ago! He’s meant to come and see me/his son but has missed the last two weekends so I’m assuming the worst x

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