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Hi I’m new to this group and have never spoke online to people about my life! So not sure really where to start!
I’ve been with my husband for over 17 years and married for 5. We have two children (10 & 12) we got together when we were 15 years old and I love him dearly.
We were young parents and the drinking habit pretty much started when we had our first child. We got our own first place together and he thought he’d buy some beers as he felt grown up having a new home which was ours! But slowly the beers became every day and still to this day he drinks beer. So about 12 years now.
A few years back he started the gym and was fitness mad and ate healthy and really cut the drink out…I’d say that was our best happy years. But then he lost the will power for the gym and the drinking slowly crept back in. Any excuse to drink and he would or he would say it’s only a couple why you always moaning at me!
It got to the point that we’d end up arguing most weekends and the children would hear and be really upset by it. My husband thinks he’s not that bad! He drinks every day..I’d say Monday-Wednesday he drinks 3-4 pints and then Thursday-Sunday he drinks between 10-12 pints a day.
This puts a huge strain on our relationship and I just feel I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like sleeping with him when he’s really drunk and alcohol has effected him physically to the point we can’t even have an intimate relationship.
When he was 10 he had to live through his mum and dads divorce which I think hit him hard as his mum left him and moved in with another man that she had an affair with! I don’t know if this is why he drinks? Could it stem back to his childhood? He doesn’t open up emotionally about anything and I’ve never seen him cry!
I just want to have a better healthier life and relationship as he is a good hard working man with his own business, me and his boys love him so much. I’m scared one day he will end up with a serious health problem if he doesn’t stop!
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Hi I can completely relate. My partner and I have struggled the past 2.5 years as his drinking has just got worse. He also changes when he gets really drunk and has been verbally aggressive and spiteful. He changes completely. Some days he drinks 4 cans of beers other 18. I worry that he will make himself really poorly. This all stemmed from his dad dying. He has turned into such an awful person when he drinks and he was horrible to my 12 year old Niece on Christmas Day and my family no longer want to speak to him and don’t want me to be with him. When he is sober he is caring, thoughtful, giving and such a hard worker. It’s just awful. I completely understand how you feel. I don’t really know what to do about it and feel torn 🙁
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It’s so hard isn’t it. I wish I could advise you what to do. I have tried to get my partner to stop drinking but doing it in a positive way saying drink is stopping us both from having the life we want. He lasted two weeks and complained about not drinking most days. Then went back to drinking even more. I think they have to make the decision and admit they have a problem and want to change. I’ve read a few things that say as their spouse you have to look after yourself. It helps speaking to someone maybe getting support for yourself that might help you make a decision about what you want to do?
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Definitely do as I don’t want to give you the wrong advice. You’ve been dealing with this for so much longer. I just know we shouldn’t cover anything up as I think that’s enabling them. It’s not fair that you’re dealing with it on your own with no support from friends or family. I’m happy to chat on here but if you ring maybe Drinkaware they can give websites numbers of people that can help. It’s the same for me we go out and I say please don’t drink loads and everything thinks I’m just being unfair and to leave him alone, but they don’t have to deal with the things that you and I do 🙁
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Hi Ever87 I am new to this forum and haven’t been brave enough yet to write my story but have taken comfort from some of the threads on here that ring so true to what has been happening in my life.
Your comment about friends and family just seeing the funny drunk side of your husband really hit a nerve as my children and I both find that really difficult. On the one hand there is this person who friends see – kind, helpful and funny and the flip side is the one that I thought only we saw which is the drunk, or partially drunk person.
Things got really bad this year and I did open up to a couple of close friends. I was amazed to find that they had either realised or suspected something was wrong. They have been an absolute pillar of support for the whole family. I chose who I confided in carefully as some friends wouldn’t have understood or would have been judgemental, I also wanted to pick friends who would be supportive of my husband if he needed them. I also spoke to a counsellor through a scheme provided at work and found that very helpful, in particular to realise I had been enabling my husband’s alcoholism.
I found being open and honest with our children (they are older – late teen and early twenties) was incredibly painful but really helpful as now we can properly support each other. I think I thought I was helping them by trying to cover up and carry on as normal but instead it shut me off from the affects of having an alcoholic father.
Whatever you choose to do I hope you get some well deserved support for you and your family.
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