[kate454]

I have known my husband had an alcohol problem for probably the last year . I knew he drank a bit too much but it never really affected our life . I enjoy having a drink and socialising , but I can take it or leave it . Last year I found out he had cheated . We went through counselling and he did everything I asked . He experienced quite a traumatic event in his life last year too and since then I have watched him slip further and further down the hole of addiction. Again, aside from the cheating it didn’t affect me personally but it was affecting us financially and I began to realise he was only happy when he drank , I asked him to cut down and he would for a while but then go back . It came to a head when , whilst drunk , he was aggressive to me and he pushed me by my throat. That’s the first time he has ever shown any kind of aggression but to me that was it . He had cheated and then it progressed to this. He didn’t remember the next day and when he did it it eas like he was a different person . We have been together for 12 years and he has never once shown aggression. He can be a different person when drunk and he can be nasty with his words but that was rare however I know it’s not acceptable and the fact it went to violence I know is a red flag. He would never so much as raise his voice around me when sober .

I told him our marriage was over , that he is an alcoholic and I can’t live like it. He was so full of remorse and shame and he straight away apologised etc . He then asked me to sit down and listen . He then was very open and said that he knows he has a problem , he said he drinks not because he wants to but because he needs to – he said he shakes when he doesn’t and all he can think about is his next drink , he told me he has been spending more than I knew and hiding alcohol . He doesn’t drink in the day and he is very functioning- he holds down a job etc . He admitted he knows he is an alcoholic and it’s got to the point that he cannot stomach the taste any more so has been moving to different drinks , pretty much forcing it down him . He has said he wants to get help , he doesn’t want to cut down he wants to quit and never drink again . He has contacted the doctor about a programme and attended an AA meeting the same day and has been attended since . It has now been 12 days – the longest he has ever been without a drink . He said he doesn’t feel like he ‘wants’ a drink but he does feel like he needs one and has been not taking any money out with him to work so that he can’t buy any. He seems very committed and he is making lots of plans to change his lifestyle . He has cut himself off from people he drinks with and his family are involved too . A part of me thinks I should leave but I love him so much and I know the sober part of him is amazing but the drunk part is not and I’m scared of him when he drinks . I have told him this is it – the last chance , I have to think of myself too and if he has so much of a sip of alcohol we are done .

Right now , he’s determined . But I know what alcoholics are like – the drink is the most important thing for them . He can have all the best intentions but he’s an addict . I know I have to 100% leave if he drinks again .

My question is – is there any hope ? What can I do to best support him and help him stay off it – as this is the last chance for our marriage . I have said I will stop drinking too – I don’t have a problem at all but like I say I can take it or leave it , I never drank before him but it became that our whole social life ( date nights , seing friends , holidays etc ) all revolved around alcohol. In a way I know my life will change – we won’t be able to see our friends like we used to , everything we do together has to change . It’s very selfish but a part of me is angry it’s got to this and I have to now change my whole life . I know that’s selfish . I also have no one to talk to about this – if I told people they would hate him and tell me to leave and I want my marriage to work and whilst he is trying to go sober I don’t want people verbally attacking him . I know he feels horrendous . He hasn’t slept in the bed with me , after it happened I had restless nights and I jolted awake a few times and he said this made him feel sick that he caused it and he didn’t know how to comfort me . He’s treating me like I’m made of glass , this is his shame and I don’t know if it’s right but I said he needs to see this to know what he’s done to remind him what drink does to him . But at the same time I have said he can’t do this for me otherwise it won’t work – he has to do it for him and genuinely want to stop otherwise he will resent me and end up relapsing .

I’ve never been in this situation. My mom is an alcoholic , she stopped drinking but relapses a lot but she doesn’t recognise herself as an alcoholic. She was violent to my dad growing up and cheated on him and my dad lived a miserable life until she eventually left him for someone else . This has always gave me a hatred of alcohol and although I do drink I never get myself into situations where I’m drunk , I’m always wary . If I told her she would hate my husband as she doesn’t think she’s an alcoholic and we have all gave up trying to tell her. My dad would kill him so I can’t speak to him either . I’m an only child so I have no siblings .

I just don’t know how to help him but at the same time not lose myself .

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