[chelle14790]

Firstly, i want to apologise for this being such a long post, i don’t have much in the way of support and i am literally at the end of what i know i should deal with. I want to paint the picture wholly so you can understand perfectly.

My husband (3 years – together for 10) is a cocaine and possible alcohol addict. We have 1 daughter together (7 years) and a son on the way (28 weeks pregnant)

He is not a bad person, he has such a good heart, he is kind, caring, romantic etc until he uses, then he changes for 2-3 days at a time. I am not prepared to give up on him yet, and want to find the best way to support him. I am a carer to my disabled father, who lives with us, and i don’t have a driver’s license limiting my capabilities to do things like shop etc

He started using about 4 years ago, during preparation for the wedding, he admitted he was “curious about it” and obviously started the downwards spiral from there. I told him of my thoughts of it and how i didn’t like such a vial drug and he vowed to stop. Which he did for a few months, but then one day started back up again. This was a constant cycle until last year when it become more increased usage. At first it was just once a month maybe even less, and was only recreational, he would return home and i would be non-the wiser. Until one night (2 years ago) we went out together (which we rarely do anymore) and he was kicked out of the club for being caught trying to use in the toilet. We argued because he ruined my night and he promised never again. He stayed clean for over 6 months. It was only when his grandad died that he really started hitting it hard.

About a year ago, money started vanishing and started to put us in alot of trouble with bills/debt, but he kept denying where the money had gone, telling me he was still owed money from work (self employed scaffolder) or that he used it to buy X item which cost “more” than it actually did. Of course i believed him, i didnt want to think that he was using again.

Until i caught him grinding his teeth one day and showing all the signs of being completely off his face.

At christmas we basically had no money, which was very upsetting for me as it meant daughter would not get many if any presents, something i never thought i’d have to contend with. He then started giving me his wages, at least for about 3 weeks. By now it seemed he was using weekly, but only on a friday as his friday treat after work. Just before i found out i was pregnant he agreed to change his job as he felt the job was the influencing factor to his usage. He set about looking for a new job, but all the while his mental health took a nasty turn. He started crying for no reason (which is completely unlike him) having nasty nightmares about something happening to me or daughter which scared him and eventually he agreed to go to the doctors, who signed him off work for a month to allow really strong anti-depressants to get into his system. Our finances took another turn and we became flooded with debt. After returning to work his kind, loving caring nature started to disappear at the weekends again, he would just not return home, ignore or even block me on the phone and leave me wondering if he was even safe. At the end of feb, i found out i was pregnant again, and he was over the moon. His “normal” self returned he was attentive, wouldn’t even let me make myself a hot drink.

Until st georges day when he went out and got absolutely smashed. He was supposed to be picking our daughter up from her after school curricular activity, but failed and meant that my dad had to go instead. We ended up in the worst argument of our relationship as i pointed out his utter lack of responsibility to our daughter, being pregnant too my hormones were everywhere, he lied down on the sofa and just told me to “F*** off” one thing led to another and he accidently hit me (waved his hand at me and it connected to my mouth) he was immediately remorseful, jumped up to comfort and help me. Unfortunately i had my 12 week scan the next day and the midwife saw my face and jumped into action.

Since then things have been so chaotic with social services involvement and constantly being watched by midwives, and my husband is somewhat plagued with guilt. So plagued that he uses cocaine to cloud his disgust in himself. He seeked help and was doing well, 5 weeks clean (which was remarkable from where we were) things were returning to normal in the household and everything seemed like it was getting back on track.

Then his sister (lives a distance away) was in the area and popped in. Her partner is a daily cocaine user and as you can imagine one thing led to another and husband ended up relapsing. Since then hes used every week again, and he says he wants to stop but hes so weak he cant say no. he goes to the pub to collect his weekly wages and i used to go with him, to help him avoid temptation, but now he just goes straight from work and lies and says hes stuck at work.

He says that his issue is when he has a pint or two he gets the craving for coke and one thing leads to another, but now hes picking it up and bringing it home (without my knowledge) and when we put daughter to bed, he literally spends the rest of the night (9/10pm -3am) in the bathroom for long periods of time. Thats how i know hes using, but short from literally kicking down the door and causing it to wake people up… what can i do. He never leaves instruments lying around and always cleans up after himself. Its only because a few times ive noticed the little white powder drops, which ive spoken to him about and now he cleans the floor to either stop me noticing it, or to keep it clean because of daughter.

He wont talk to me, he wont be honest with me and as of the last 3 weeks hes just not been returning home atall on the friday. He says “ill be 5-10 mins” on a friday and then i don’t see him until saturday afternoon. He ignores me again, blocks me and the only message i’ll get is i think it’s best for you if i disappear. When hes sober he agrees he needs help, that he doesnt want to do it, he hates the after effects, the disappeared money to overall destructive-ness of the drug but then friday hits and we’re back to square one. I deem fridays as the “night from hell”.

How can i help him? Im worried ive enabled him and i want to stop that, but he also has basically no support network other than me, im worried about his mental health and what would happen if i kicked him out. Theres times when i have told him not to come home in his state and when he sobers up he returns looking so ill. He doesnt sleep, eat and makes me worry even more about him. I have a support network that are helping me to look after me and my daughter to try and stop us taking on the problem, but when your a family unit that relies on him to bring home the bacon its very hard. Threatening him that he will lose us makes him run and hide – which in turns sends him on his coke path, but i cant just “accept” it because its not healthy for any of us.

I love him very much and cannot imagine my life without him in it. I am not ready to give up on him. Our daughter is seemingly unaffected by the problems, shes always branded “a happy child” shes well looked after by me, and with my dads help she gets all attention a child could need. She also doesnt want daddy to leave, and he doesnt want to leave either.

Thank you in advance for any guidance 🙂

[2468]

It is a nightmare we live in mine is my son lies stealing but giving up on him I can’t but it ruins families and yes I’m enabler but I find it so hard to not fall for his lies so don’t beat yourself up ur doing your best. People have no idea unless it is happening to them my husband his stepfather included his answers chuck him out causes to much stress all round I hope it sorts for u but it’s a long bumpy ride

[ceciliamarie]

You sound like a lovely girl and you are enabling him by being too soft. I know this because I have done it myself. I have had a drug addict father of my children for many years. You are being unrealistic if you think it doesn’t affect your child. It will one day.

I provided for my children and couldn’t rely on him at all financially and he would take money from my purse if he ran out. You need your man to face up to why he feels the need to do this. He will never be able to give you anything back and you better be a very strong independent woman because you will need to be. I have stayed with my husband but I am not sure that it was the right thing to do. I have lovely children grown up now but they are emotionally scarred by the fact their father had mental health and drug problems. They are not addicts though.

[lostgirl]

I have no answer for you but I could have written that.

Been with my husband 9years, married for 6, with a 4 year old and 1 year old. He is ok in the week, sometimes lovely, sometimes a bit moody but generally normal, however every weekend he likes a drink and can’t drink without the coke, can work Saturday morning, go out Saturday afternoon and not come home until Sunday morning and then spend all day in bed. It’s gone past being a social thing he does on nights out with friends and will now bring it home and sit downstairs on his own drinking and taking drugs all night. I have told him if he ever brings them in the house I will divorce him, but I sit upstairs and know what is going on downstairs and just can’t face coming down to deal with it. He leaves most of the childcare to me, but when he does interact with the kids they love it and I don’t want to split them up. I don’t see it getting better though, and the longer it goes on the worse I imagine it will get, I give ultimatums but he does it anyway and i stay, i don’t know how bad it will have to get or what will make me draw the line and stick to it

[icarus-trust]

Hi Chelle,

Really sorry to read your sad story. I am so glad that you have a supportive network around you and your daughter but if you needed anyone else to talk to please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people like you who are living with the addictive behaviour of a family membe rand have a team of trained and experienced people who would listen to you.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope that this helps. Good luck.

[desperate]

Hi Chelle.

So sad reading your story this morning. Addiction is the worst thing a family has to cope with. I am a mother of 4 grown ups and the two youngest have mental health problems with drug addiction and gambling. I am at my wits end. You dare not confide in friends as it’s embarrassing. One son I had to remove from the home eventually he does not work and was rehomed. The other son works hard and is in debt up to his eyeballs and I have to listen to his lies. He was always so sensible. I wont go into depth as too much to say but it’s soul destroying. I try to help but all I do now is scream and shout at him every day. He’s taking ketamine on a daily basis now and he can not even talk properly when he’s on it. I have said I would go to a doctor with him but all he says is he’s not addicted. I have threatened to throw him out like I did his brother and he says he will kill himself if I do. He is not aggressive like my other son was. My husband of 20 years is the step father but he does not share the same grief as I do. He is at work so he does not see what I have to go through in a daily basis. Sorry I am ranting on but today I am at breaking point and just want to off load and found this page. It’s heartbreaking reading some of the things I have read on here. Chelle my heart goes out to you. I wish I had an answer for you to help. But there are no answers. I do know that talking helps for a little while to take some of the burden off your shoulders. And that we are not the only ones suffering. But it never seems to leave us. Sleepless nights stressful days wondering what’s going to happen next. Feel free to reply to me anybody that wants to talk or give me some ideas on what I can do. My heart goes out to everyone of you who is suffering the same as I am.

[georgia26]

It really is heartbreaking reading your post, going through the same sort of thing. Clean for 8 weeks, then relapses and the cycle continues. Drug/drink comes first, no matter what you threaten or say. It makes you feel worthless doesnt it, I feel so so sorry for you, I was ready to start a family with mine, everything is perfect except from this. It seriously worries me. He doesnt think he is an addict as he only does it every 8 weeks or so, he calls it a ‘habit’ to mask his anxiety feelings. Which makes me worry even more, he makes me feel like I am crazy. I wish you and your family all the best.

[adamuk]

You know what your husband is the same as me. Let me tell you from my point of view. He loves you with all his heart. He knows he has a problem. He can’t stop. The best way forward is not to argue with him. Let him have his treat once a week and dont break his balls about it. He will only stop when he wants to and can. The arguments and focus on him will make his addiction worse. I have been there. Just live and enjoy your life and leave the ball in his court. There will be nothing you can say or do to make him stop so it is all pointless. Watch he will become better!

[georgia26]

feeding his habit and allowing a weekly ‘Treat’ is not the way forward as youre feeding the addiction, which is ruining him financially. It will continue to spiral out of control and it will be daily soon.

Please contact help@icarustrust.org – they will help you with advice and professionalism

Good Luck..

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