[thelostone]

Hi Guys,

I found out a few months ago my boyfriend is taking crack (and to me, is an addict in denial). He has pawned stuff to get it… uses weekly… I’ve been on a STEEP learning curve and think I’ve done well to be where I am (all things considered). I don’t write this for advice, but if anyone sees themselves in what I write, it may help them. I will make it as short as possible and simply give … my journey.

* Found out partner was on crack cocaine. In shock for a few weeks.

* I trawled streets, tracked him down to drug flats, roamed the streets late at night, put myself in danger numerous times, confronted drug people..

* I tried anger, threats, demands, emotional blackmail… tears.. guilt… shame… nothing made him stop.

* I stopped being angry. I stopped taking it personally. I started detatching myself from it.

* I’ve had constant ups and downs – days I would contact him and beat myself up for being weak. Then I’d be strong for a week or so, and let him do what he wants to do. Then I’d worry he was dead or OD’d somewhere and contact him. It’s a cycle. If I didn’t contact him, he would contact me. My last low point my birthday. I’d spent £100’s on this man. He couldn’t even get me a present. When I think of the thousands he’s spent on that crap. Eventually when he had a period of sobriety, he gave me a present and card… them lapsed a few days later.

* I’ve confronted one guy who won’t leave him alone. It causes a massive argument and I left. When my boyfriend used the evening, he blamed me and called me a ‘F***ing C***.’ So I am now on the end of his anger and abuse. I walked out (luckily we don’t live together). I haven’t contacted him since.

I don’t really know what stage I am at now. I don’t even know if I can say we are together. I am a realistic. I expect the worse and he has never let me down so far – with his using and pathetic excuses and apologies. But I feel strong.. stronger every time.. until I hope to get the point where I walk away for good.

I see nothing but misery and futility with an addict.. and wonder what others’ experiences are.

Thanks for reading x

[upwardspiral]

Hi the lostone,

I am in a similar position to you, partner with a cocaine and drink problem. I can relate to some of your points.. specially some of the vile verbal abuse.

I think you have made the big leap already, I think you know deep down you know the answer. Don’t feel guilty, that’s what I am starting to learn. Specially you confronting dealers etc, you could put yourself in big danger.

I am trying my best now to battle and ride this storm out… it’s not easy at all. Hence why I have come here to hear people’s experiences etc. One thing I have learnt for sure is that I am doing enough… I felt guilty that I was missing a trick and it was my fault. I need to start listening to my gut feeling. My gut feeling is usually right!

I dread to think how much monies he has lined the pockets of a drug dealer for…. shame they realise they don’t get any thanks for it! These people don’t care what they have to lose, I think it gives them power to bring people to their knees.

I am not sure what stage you are at in the relationship? Early.. or quite advanced?

[thelostone]

I’d say relatively early .. only just over a year.. easy for people to say walk away but when you feel you’re giving up on someone who needs you.. anyhow.. I haven’t felt guilt .. even when he blamed me Saturday for using. I don’t drag him to these shitty send to buy his crap or put the stuff in his hands. It disgusts me. I am anti drugs and he knew that. I see a support worker who has helped me .. just to see the way and make sense of my emotions which threaten to engulf me at times. I’m in an ok place right now, he abused me Saturday and I haven’t heard from him since.. I have peace of mind and don’t have to hear empty words and promises that will be broken before they’ve left his mouth. I pray each day.. although I am not at all religious .. I pray just that I find the strength to walk away. I hope your journey isn’t too painful. X

[thelostone]

Shitty dens*

[upwardspiral]

Well I can tell you this… if this is just a year in for it… most likely it will get worse before it gets better.

Whilst you are in the early stages as hard it’s going to be…take a step back. I have been with mine for 13 years. The cocaine habit is now five – six years in, only in the last year it’s taken a real serious nose dive, not just me but family members are now feeling it. I tried for so long to keep it from them. One day he admitted the problem to his Dad, I really thought it was at the turning point… sadly it wasn’t.

We are all feeling emotionally drained and stressed from it all.

I think you can reach out to support him but I would personally do it as a friend. He can either go two ways… sink further but he’s not hurting you… or he can realise what he had, and give him a goal to work at.

When my partner went away I saw something pop up on social media by pure chance but couldn’t believe how much it touched a nerve. It read- when your heart is breaking for someone who is broken, but your words can’t reach them and your love can’t save them, ask the angels to go where you cannot. To whisper into their heart what their ears can’t hear. We will not give up on you don’t give up on yourself.

Usually I eye roll at those type of things… but it made so much sense.

So hard when it’s painful to keep in a situation like this, but also painful to just walk away

[thelostone]

I came up the perfect analogy for my (and many others’) predicament.. it’s like trying to save a man from a burning house and he keeps running back inside.

I’be learned a lot in the last year. A lot. I don’t chase after him, try to stop him, guilt trip him, get angry, blame him.. I just make it clear I know he’s used and I won’t be around him if he does that crap. Haven’t heard from him last 4 days and I have peace of mind. In the past I would have called him, gone to see him.. no more. My problem is what to do when he contacts me.. which he will. They always come back .. I don’t stress myself out about what I will do. I’ll deal with it when it happens. For now I enjoy the peace and the tranquility I have and just keep praying I will be strong enough to walk away.. because I deserve better than this.

I won’t torture myself for long .. sorry you have endured this rubbish for so long ;-(

[upwardspiral]

Ha yes with keep running back into a burning building. Like me you have found out getting upset, health talks, shouting and ultimatums just don’t work. I don’t get angry anymore at all. Disappointed yes.

Whilst he is doing his own thing, think of you and go and enjoy yourself.

Keep us updated x

[thelostone]

I certainly will do.. and you too.. it’s all about self care now for me. I know I worth more than being sworn at and blamed and trying to love a ghost.. the lies, the disappointment .. the heartache. I’ve had enough in a year to last a lifetime.. God knows how you’ve done 13 but I hope you find the strength to do what’s best for YOU. X

[quetalkim]

You took my life and put it on paper. That’s mad.

Everyday I try and leave him.

Like you them few weeks apart you feel so good and then boom your back to square 1.

4 years this has been going on.

My latest is stupidly booking a holiday after a month of freedom and 1 stupid weekend off weakness.

Now we go 17th March and he said he will leave me alone at my request

Where are you in life now hon? Need some inspiration

[quetalkim]

I even caught my boyfriend on pof talking to transvestites and adding transvestites and gays. So I don’t know if he’s gay or selling himself. But it just cripples me that I’m still there with him. Everybody knows and my shame of still being with him. I hate him and love him with every bone in my body.

I pray for my freedom soon.

[tired13]

My boyfriend has done the same thing!! He stated he likes d*** but only when he’s on drugs. I’m not sure what to believe. All of these scenarios are exactly what I have been through with him smoking crack. It’s been a pretty regular thing for about a year and a half and we ended up beating each other up this past Sunday. He’s not going to change for me and I need to accept this.

[thelostone]

I am so sorry to hear your story. Jesus, 4 years? I did a year. That was enough for me. Where i am right now is single. My boyfriend has for the first time ever, sought PROFESSIONAL help. He is due to start drug substitution and counselling. This is a massive step for him, at his age. But this is his journey, and I have told him, I am on my own journey of recovery, from him. I have remained strong, but kind. And I think he finally realises what he’s lost. He even said ‘I have hit rock bottom.’ It’s the cliche, but it’s the truest one you’ll hear.

If you want inspiration, remember this: it takes more strength to walk away than it does to stay in a toxic relationship. If you have a phone, find an app called Mend, it will really help you.

Are you strong enough to do another 4 years of this?

Do you trust him (I can answer this for you, no you don’t).

If he IS selling himself, you need to protect yourself physically or you may contract something from him.

Do not feel shame. You have tried to love and support him, and the nature of a drug addict is to be drawn to this, because they need it. But they are like vampires, they will drain you.. not intentionally.. but drugs just does this, to him and you.

Try putting some boundaries in place for yourself, for your own protection. I blocked my chap, and he REMAINS blocked. If I feel I can’t cope bumping into him, I avoid those places. I don’t look at old photos or replay things in my head. I am healing myself.. I am loving myself.. you have to think of it as HE is your addiction and you have to break free. So do whatever you can to protect yourself.

Listen more to your head and less to your head. You don’t have to be ruled by your emotions and you don’t have to act on them.. missing him? You can ride it out.. same as any emotion you struggle with. It won’t last forever.

Visit a site called addaction. Google them, and look for the online chat. They have professional people you can talk to.

Let me know how you get on.

[thelostone]

Listen more to your head and less to your HEART (typo)

[quetalkim]

Yeah I already know everything that you mentioned. I defo feel like a big change is coming as before it was this really strong bond that kept me to him but now I feel for myself more and I have such a list for life and I realise he is stopping me. I’ll keep you updated x

[quetalkim]

Oh by the way- professional help doesn’t change addicts. Methadone and subutex can’t change them. They can only change and it’s only about 1 in a million crack or heroin addicts that recover lol.

[quetalkim]

Lust*

[thelostone]

Oh trust me, I don’t think it’s going to ‘cure’ him.. the more important part is the counselling. His battle is more psychological than medical.. but it’s the biggest step he’s ever taken so I pray for him while he takes that journey .. but I’m done being dragged down by him .. if he can recover and come to me clean and dealing with his issues we may be able to establish a friendship again. But now, I put me first. X

[loulou30]

Iv been with my partner a year, once a month he goes off for a few days and takes crack. I don’t hear anything from him during that time, he turns his phone off. Once he’s back on planet earth he’s sorry etc. Last month when he went off I ended it, I told him I can’t be put through this every month! But within 24hrs I was a wreck, I couldn’t handle the pain and regretted ending it so I took him back. When he’s not on it he’s great, I can’t fault him at all. But as I’m typing this he has gone off again taking all him wages. Iv texting him telling him it’s over. BUT I’m struggling already, I can’t go through this once a month, but i also don’t want to loose him.

Now my problem is if I take him back he will think that he can continue to go off once a month because I will keep taking him back. Do I roll with the pain of loosing him and not cave in again? Will he eventually stop taking crack? He was into it very heavily about 6 months before I met him for about a year, taking it daily. If he can go from that to taking once a month surely he has the strength to stop the urges?

[wendyelizabeth]

I know exactly how you feel, this is my life daily and has been for the last 5 years. Unfortunately it’s more than likely to get worse rather than better.

My advice is to leave now and look after yourself.

[thelostone]

let me tell you something.

I’ve just discovered my ex has had a stroke. He failed in recovery and I walked away.. he didn’t stop using.. and now he has had a stroke. I made the decision to go see him because there is a very real possibility he will have another stroke, and I don’t want that on my conscience.

Do I think he will stop now. Hell no.

I have made it clear that I am still on my own path, and nothing has changed for me. Unless he could come to me and prove he’s been clear for a substantial amount of time, I will not put myself through his drug bullshit any longer. I simply refuse.

You’ve asked, if I take him back will he use again? Let me answer that for you.

YES.

Visit this page.. and during weekdays you can chat live to a drugs counsellor and get some advice. Get yourself some help.. because you need to start helping you.

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/

[lulu232]

Okay as a crack addict myself he will go where the crack takes him.I am a professional woman that was smoking crack tonight with prostitutes who I picked up of the street, a paranoid szhphrenia, and a homeless guy. You just do not care who you will be. The scariest time for me was ending up in a high rise tower block and every room was full of hardened junkies. I felt out of my depth big time but I stayed to smoke crack. I had a gun put to my head another time because I tried to take the guys last pipe coz I wanted it so much. He will always put that drug over you because the power of it is so strong. How does he fund his habit ?

[sadgfofcrackuser]

Have you recovered, will you recover, is it possible for you to recover, what would it take for you to stop?

[thelostone]

he gets his pension.. yes, he’s THAT old and still doing that shit. He did get into the habit of pawning stuff. Getting it back. Pawning it. Getting it back. Just a never ending cycle.

Did he use since the stroke? Yes. (it took about 10 days before he used again).

I heard nothing from him in 12 weeks. Then his sister called to tell me he’s going back to the recovery people.

What was he doing in those 12 weeks, since walking away from me? Using crack. Wasn’t too bothered how I was getting on for those months – but claims he loves me and misses me – and broke down in tears. I don’t doubt he means it, but clearly his addiction comes first.

I’ve heard it too many times, seen it too many times and refuse to be dragged down anymore by him. No more false hope, no more tolerating lies, abuse and disappointment. Today I have self-worth and peace of mind.

[coco1212]

Wow I’ve read some of these and now I feel like there’s absolutely no hope. He’s been on crack at some point this month 18 months never been on it before but he’s took it to another level god knows how much he has a day but what I do know is since he got 40,000 inheritance 2 months it obviously got worse and all gone now. That’s how bad it is. I just dont know what to do. I feel like if I cut him off I’ll get a knock on door saying he’s dead but im sick of crying, sick of feeling anxious about what he’s doing just sick of it all. I have social services on my back and the council and i it’s stressing me out my kids have nothing to do with him and he doesn’t live in the house he’s in the garden in a caravan. After a text argument yes that’s how we communicate. He basically said he’s done with us. Bit rich. So I’ve tried to detach myself he’s mesaged me in the night I’ve ignored it, today he’s text claiming he’s rang network recovery but again I’ve ignored him. I don’t believe a word he says but at the same time I desperately want it to be true and him to get help and beat it. But after reading all this I don’t feel hopeful.

[thelostone]

coco, it’s best you don’t give yourself false hope. Honestly, I’ve got the t-shirt where that’s concerned. You are NOT responsible for him using, or what happens if he uses. He could well die, or have a stroke or a heart attack, or get threatened or beaten by another user or dealer. That is the life of an addict, and that is the choice HE is making.

For the sake of your own mental and physical health, you have to cut him off. Until he can come back to you CLEAN, and PROVE he’s clean, there is absolutely NO POINT going round in this cycle. They use drugs and they use people. If he does get clean, you will know yourself by his whole life and behaviour. The sooner you accept that it might not happen, you will make the rest of your journey so much easier.

Block him, and take back the power, so you can regain your peace of mind and your sanity. You deserve better than to have such anxiety and unhappiness in your life.

I’ve let my fella go now. Claims he is going into rehab. I really couldn’t care because he is on that road alone now.. and I am on my own road. It made me ill, physically sick and mentally ill (anxiety, depression, panic attacks). NO MORE.

Always here if you want to chat.

[coco1212]

I don’t even know what to talk about anymore. I just feel so alone with it all I’m too em and ashamed to talk to anyone. People can see I’m not not happy they ask but no ok. I haven’t told anyone that social services are involved now because of him my mum would hit the roof and I already feel like I’m being branded a bad parent even though it isn’t because of me. I’ve had thoughts i never thought I would because I’ve had enough of the agencies who are claiming their here to help clearly judging and making me feel worthless. Only reason I carry on is because of my children.

[thelostone]

coco,

please visit this site tomorrow.. you can chat anonymously and live to a support worker. They are EXCELLENT.

https://www.addaction.org.uk/webchat

They may be able to help you find some direction. They don’t judge, they are there for the affected others of users.

You have done nothing wrong but try to love and support an addict.. truly an impossible task. Now you have to consider what to do next, for yourself and your children.

x

[coco1212]

Thank you x

[clarityxo]

I have held on for 2 years, hoping it would change it never did.

The cycle was horrible. The lies and apologies.

One day he came clean as I thought he did, but he told me he was only doing cocaine, as I tried to be understanding as I was an addict in the past to. I thought it was the turning point i was hoping. But 6 months go by and 2 days ago he just came clean fully to me that he has been using Crack. The drug doesn’t only affect him. It becomes a family desease. I am trying not to put it on him. Because he was honest and that is hard. But he has moved out 1 month ago. He told me breaking up with him was a wake up.. I sure do hope. I try to speak to my angels often. But I am still taking care of myself caus new opportunities can happen. There is only so much we can do. They do need us. But at some point we need them to. It can go bad or wrong for them. But we have to think of ourselves to♡ I am still tromatized and hurt. But atles I know now. I am going to try to find a therapist to find tools. He told me that right after I found out my good friend overdosed on fentanyl. At some point they need to grow up and grow old happy or we won’t grow with them. Xoxox

[coco1212]

I think what has just happened has made me realise he’s gone forever the man I love is gone. He’s horrible now. I just need him to leave my garden it’ll break me but its better than this. Im up at this hour because of him. As much as it will kill me I have to let him go.

[coco1212]

Does anyone know how i can get him to leave ? He’s not actually in my house He’s in my garden in a caravan

[thelostone]

That might be difficult to do without involving the police. Who owns the caravan? If it’s yours you are within your rights to ask him to leave. Sorry you are up at such an ungodly hour, I have been there too. But I do know this much. If you don’t get him out of your life now it will also kill you, mentally and physically. You have to reclaim your life and start putting down some boundaries. Unless he get go away and get clean the man you love is not coming back.

Guess what? Mine has come back. Apparently clean and waiting to go into a rehab centre. Until he does that, he gets nothing more out of me. I’m done being treated like crap and taken from granted. No more. It made me ill and took my sanity but I have clawed my way back.

Pls use that link I gave you, they are available to chat online and are brilliant … they saved my life!

Here if you need me x

[coco1212]

He owns the caravan but I have the tenancy agreement and the patch manager has said the caravan can’t be there. I’m so drained physically I can’t sleep properly because of it. Emotionally I feel destroyed i can’t keep up with my own emotions. One day I’ll be fine the next ranked with guilt and worry and then the angry and so much rage. While he was out ( I know this is bad) I went into his caravan i took his bank card although there’s no money to be had on it and even if there was i wouldn’t use it, his car key he has two cars shouldn’t be driving any he’s lost his licence, laptop and this electric car he’ll sell them all soon anyway for his fix he thinks he’s been broken into. I know its not right but im so sick of the grief he’s causing. I’ve had to cut my hours down at work to practically none existent because of childcare so I can’t afford to do Christmas this year, he was given 40,000 he could of gave me some for the kids for Christmas and then blew it but he didn’t now he’s penniless which means he ruined Christmas for them last year by abandoning them last year and this we can’t afford one. I feel like an absolute rubbish mum because of this ive always done Christmas by myself with any help from him but this year I needed help and he could of afforded to. I feel like things like this have played into the social services hands

[thelostone]

if the manager has said it can”t be there, you need to explain this to him, and that it has to go.

I’ve been where you are, where your behaviour is just not the person you are. Walking the streets at 1am trying to find his van, shouting up at flats like a mad woman, CONFRONTING a drug dealer and putting myself in harm’s way.

I am going to try and give you my best advice, from what I’ve learned trying to love a crack/heroin addict.

All his bad behaviour – the let downs, the lies, the using, selling his stuff – forget all that for now. Put it in a mental drawer for now.. whenever painful things come to mind, tell yourself.. ‘that’s addiction.’ Because it is. A junkie will sell their own kids for drugs so don’t take it personally. I know it hurts, but put it to one side for now.

Focus on YOU and your children. Start putting in place some boundaries… so that you can start to reclaim your life and sanity. Whether it’s getting him moved on, barring him from contact, decide what you need to do. You are not a bad mother, so all that guilt… forget it.

Stop worrying about him. You are not his mother. You can’t rescue him, save him or stop him using. Only HE can stop him using.. you owe him nothing. How many times do you want to run inside the burning building to save him, only for him to run back inside? STOP now, before you lose your sanity and health.

Christmas is a while away yet. You never know what’s round the corner. You will be without him, but you will have peace of mind, and you will have your children. Children are very intuitive and know more than they let on, so if you and your house are in disharmony, this will affect them. Get back some stability and routine, and focus on providing a happy, peaceful home and things will fall into place.

A junkie will not stop using until they reach their absolute lowest point. Until they’ve lost everything. That’s where my ex-partner is now, and he is waiting to go into a rehab centre. He pawned stuff, had people owing him money, users used him.. I wanted to protect him.. but in the end… I just let go. No more will I burn myself dragging him out the building. If he wants to walk out himself, I will be there. But he might always go back inside.. this is addiction.

I don’t want anyone to have to suffer what I went through (and I don’t have kids) – so I hope this advice helps you in some way to become stronger. To realise your own self worth. To realise that you cannot allow yourself and your kids to be so detrimentally affected by this man and his addiction.

He might come back to you one day, the man he was. But until he does, get him out of your life, and listen to the peace.

x

[coco1212]

Thank you for this thelostone. Im actually waiting on the police and he got violent with me earlier for the first time, I won’t have that. After he did it what did do ? That’s right ran straight to the dealer. I really don’t know if I’ve done the right thing because apart from a swollen arm there’s nothing else. I’m not scared of him. I’m fed up of him. I’ve tried to be supportive and he throws it back in my face. And then when I get angry and call him names which I know is wrong, his friend has told me I shouldn’t call him a crackhead he goes on about how nasty I am but he pushes me to this point. I feel so fake now days because I act like I’m happy to everyone in fear of the judgement or being rejected because people are so disgusted. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. I try to put on a brave face for everyone but inside I’m so broken. Im sick of crying and feeling so empty and worthless.

[thelostone]

if someone treats you like crap, you will start to believe that’s all your worth. I’ve done it and been there, so I know what you’re saying. Violence is totally unacceptable. If he is prepared to use force against you, I doubt he would think twice stealing from you. Right now, the drug version of your man has no respect for you.. or himself. So get away as quick as you can.

At their worst, an addict will blame everyone but themselves for their addiction and the position they are in. If you don’t give them what they want or you aren’t supplying them with what they need, they will have no need for you.

The minute I left my fella, I stopped crying. I didn’t miss him because how can you miss abuse and lies and heartache. I had peace of mind. That is priceless.

Set up your boundaries as soon as you can and stick to them. One day you will decide.. you either get clean or leave me alone. If he can’t accept this, keep the boundary up. He will hit rock bottom soon enough… don’t let him come back and use you.

I do hope you are ok.

[coco1212]

I’m ok just feeling very confused as to what to do now. I really one day I just wake up and have all the answers

[coco1212]

I just want him gone now. He’s making me have anxiety

[thelostone]

I am so sorry to read this. I suffered anxiety for the two years I was with my partner. He has been clean for 5 weeks approx but I believe he used on Monday. I saw the same old Mr Hyde on Tuesday. A completely different man. I simply walked away. No longer will I allow my health or peace of mind to be affected by him and his use. He tried calling me and came round to see me. I didn’t answer the door. These are my boundaries. I do what I have to do to protect myself now, and I feel this is what you need to do. Because all this will make you very ill. Do try the online chat I gave you the link to. They are brilliant and were my life saver.

[coco1212]

I did try but I didn’t feel any better I’ll try it again. I absolutely hate that I can’t switch off my feelings for him. I feel so weak. I’ve told him I’m so sick of this and if he doesn’t stop being with them for about 16 hours a day then he needs to go and I’ll find a way to make that happen even if I have to take out a injunction. I can’t keep doing my mum doesn’t the half of what has gone on but the way she looks at me when she asks would I have him back. I feel like I should lie and say never but that wouldn’t be true but I will never accept this behaviour to be honest if this Continues much more I think all feelings will disappear I think their starting to only slightly but I think they are. I’m sorry that your partner seems to have relapsed.

Thank you for being here a other lady on one of these threads she’s so strong I wish I was.

[thelostone]

you can’t just switch off, it’s a process you go through.. you will get to where you need to be.. but it won’t happen overnight. You go through your own process.. I’ve done it.

Don’t lie to cover up for him.. that’s important. Always be honest, at least to yourself. It’s not weak to say you’d have him back, if that’s the truth. No one has the right to judge you.

My partner has just received funding to go into a residential rehab so he has a chance… but that’s all it is, a chance. I don’t kid myself it will cure him. I’m at the stage of my own journey where I’ve accepted how powerful addiction is, and that it’s not something to take personally.. if my partner cannot beat it, we can never have any kind of relationship. But it’s taken me two years to get to where I am.. after a lot of manic behaviour, stress, anxiety, depression and nearly losing my sanity and health.

As I said, you will get there, so don’t be harsh on yourself. Just remember to value yourself, it will make it easier to make tough decisions.

[coco1212]

I don’t feel like myself the anger building up inside me is scary tonight I actually felt so angry I didnt even know where my head would take me. For a split 2nd I sat outside where is car was parked and his dealers and I just wanted to smash their cars up and scream at the top of my lungs about what their doing. I did shout your done now and his name your absolutely done. I got home about 5 minutes later if that he pulled up. I kicked his car door didn’t mark or even leave a shoe print and yes I know its not right but it was that or do worse to him. He’s now claiming im abusive which is hilarious considering I was the one left with bruises last week. He’s absolutely deluded now im the bad guy because he’s sleeping out of his car. I told dont even try it you’ve chose this life not me not my kids.

Im destroyed inside but im trying my hardest not to let him see.

I can’t accept him the way he is because I have to keep my children safe especially with social services involved. And I don’t want this life for them. My baby has never had a dad because he took up this habit 3 months before she was born. That breaks my heart, I’m heartbroken for all of my children the other 3 are all old enough to know what their dad is doing which is worse for them.

How are you doing?

[thelostone]

I’ve been where you are, confronted dealers, chased him down to drug dens, almost lost my mind. You can’t stop yourself anymore than he can stop using. You take it personally and anger becomes your best friend as you feel like you are losing your mind. Nothing will stop you on your own journey as you go through all this until you find your own way to break free. Unless and until he hits rock bottom and decides to get help (which may never happen) you HAVE to get away from him. You can’t help him, change him, save him or make him stop. How many times do you want to run into the burning building to drag him out, only for him to run back inside? Get rid of one dealer and there’s another there in a second to replace him.

Step away, however long it takes. However many times it takes you, step away. Because each time you do, you will get stronger. Step back and put up your boundaries. Because unless you do, all this will do is destroy you, mentally and physically. You will become ill. And suffer depression, anxiety and Illnesses.

Start reclaiming your peace of mind and stop giving him head space. It’s difficult to accept but you can’t help him, only HE can help himself. Until he does that, you have to step away.

[coco1212]

Your right. That’s last things escalated badly and i could of lost my son. He tried to run down his own son. I may even be in trouble with the police myself because I crashed into his unintentionally its because I was panicking as my son was being dragged down the street by his own dad. He’s now claiming his being abused by me, can you believe that? The only person who is abusing him is him and his dealer. I think this has been a major wake up He’s beyond help.

[thelostone]

Then you need away from this situation as quickly as you can. A user in the midst of using has NO insight whatsoever into their own behaviour and they can make you think you’re losing your mind. You cannot argue, reason or rationalise with a user, so don’t waste your breath trying. Just get yourself away from this toxic situation, so you can reclain your sanity and protect your children.

Once he hits rock bottom, he might get a wake up call.. but don’t wait for this to happen because it might never. You have to walk away now until he can accept his addiction and agree to get help.

I do hope you can find youself in a better place. It took my 2 years and I still my partner in my life, but he is at least about to go to a rehab centre. I don’t kid myself it will work or that he won’t use – but whilst he is clean he is the man I fell in love with and I am supporting him. But the minute he uses or tries to disrespect me, I disengage and let him get on with it.

[coco1212]

Thank you for always being here on this. I do need to break away now.

[thelostone]

Trust me, I’ve been where you are.

Still today, I use the online chat guys, who just gave me so much advice, and validated what I was feeling, so I didn’t feel like I was losing my mind.

Trying to support an addict is the toughest thing I’ve ever done… far worse than losing loved ones to death or cancer… it’s TOUGH.

You have to focus on healing yourself first.

[coco1212]

Yeah it is tough. I’d say at this moment in time it’s torture

[thelostone]

Well I know it’s of little consolation but so many of us have been where you are now. I nearly drove myself mad. I did things that just wasn’t me, put my own safety at risk, got so angry I could have killed people .. it just never ends. In the end you simply have to walk away, you shut down mentally. And if your partner shows no sign of wanting to stop or seeing that there is a problem it will only get worse.

You can put things in place to protect yourself .. boundaries as they call them. It’s what I had to do in the end. My partner is now going away to try and get clean, but even I know chances of him doing it and staying clean are very slim.

Drugs are truly a scourge on us all.

[coco1212]

I’m get a non molestation order so no contact can be made. He still believes I’m in the wrong, he only sees bad in me so I think this is for the best. If he can’t see that nearly intentionally running over his 17 year old son as being wrong there’s no hope. In the craziness of it all ive bumped into the side of his car due to pressing the accelerate not the break and that is all he’s moaned about to the son he could of killed on a usually busy main road

[thelostone]

Trust me when I say this… don’t take it personally. You cannot reason with someone using drugs. One day if and when he gets clean, he will apologise to you. But whilst he is using he is incapable of seeing the wrong he is doing so don’t waste your energy on trying to argue with him. Just focus on you now and leave him to his own devices. He will come back to you when he realises what he’s done.

[coco1212]

I think he will come back but not alive his scumbag dealer and the family have brainwashed him. They’ve groomed him into believing their his family they want whats best for him and they give him more because im a bad person and he needs it to make him feel better

[thelostone]

I’d a cliche but so true that an addict has to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they will realise what it’s done to them. And you trying to make him see sense is pointless. You will just make yourself ill with the stress and worry.

When you say ‘family’ who do you mean? His family? Ultimately it doesn’t matter.. until he walk away he won’t see what he’s lost… because you’re still there.

There are some great self care apps which I found helpful.. try looking for MEND which is good for helping people in difficult times.

[coco1212]

The drug dealers family they are all in it on it. They prey on the weak. The dealer takes them to his mums and she makes the food and buys them clothes and says things like we’re your family now. It’s sick. If he doesn’t hit rock bottom in the next week or so then I dont think he will. Obviously I don’t want any harm to come to but I do wish someone could knock some sense into him.

[thelostone]

then you have to walk away. No amount of talking to him will make him see this whilst he is in the midst of the drugs.

Protect yourself and your family, and put up your boundaries. Unless he can commit to get clean and see for himself that he has a problem, there is no point being around him.

[coco1212]

I agree with that. Just wish I could totally switch off. Im laying here now wondering if he’s OK but I know that wherever he is, he isn’t thinking the same.

[thelostone]

If he is using or in the midst of use he won’t care about anything. They have little concept of time or people. It obliterates all their sense of feelings and emotions. So don’t take it personally, just focus on yourself, your children and your health and mental well being. It is the best thing to do to protect yourself.

[need2talk]

Hi everyone I don’t know if this post is still going

I’ve known my fiancé almost 2 years now. Perfect for me we get on so well, I feel like he’s my soul mate. It’s crazy because we literally bounce off each other. I’ve been in relationships before and this one just felt so real.

Last year he admitted to me and his family that he had taken up a Coke habit he wasn’t sure how he got into it but admitted it had been around 6 months and was desperate to get out of it.

He managed to get clean by himself for 4 months and proposed to me I was certain his life had taken a turn I was so proud of him. Then he relapsed 2 months after the proposal on one occasion.

I felt terrible and so did he, but I could just sense that it was a one off and it didn’t happen again.

Recently in the last 2 months I’ve been noticing his behaviour change and I confronted him. He told me he’s been using again for 2 months.

Our wedding is scheduled for next year. He wants to kick the habit. Has anyone else been through this, I feel so depressed I feel like my life is over.

He is so good to me and such a kind and caring person it breaks my heart.

At the moment he’s told me he uses about once a week, he has one day a week off work and on that day he sleeps all day and will meet with me in the evening. He doesn’t act weird at all and we do have a lovely time.

I just don’t understand everything I’m so confused. I keep telling him how much I feel depressed but I think this is the wrong thing to do.

I have also set boundaries and told him what my boundaries are.

I don’t trust him anymore

[thelostone]

I guess sadly we have all been through, similar experiences to yours. Mine partner has a crack addiction, which seems much worse, but addiction is addiction whatever the form.

It does affect the loved ones… profoundly. You have said yourself, you are depressed. I suffered anxiety, depression, self esteem issues.. it just mentally and physically drains you.

It seems your partner does at least recognise that he has a problem. I think maybe the next step for him is getting professional help.

[needing2talk]

I’ve read this whole thread and can relate totally.

I’m only 28 and got with my partner just shy of a year ago. Ago 4 months in someone told me he is an on off crack addict. When I confronted him he hung his head in shame and admitted to me he used to use when his dad and cousin both sadly passed away very close together. I believed he no longer used as he said. We isolated together in March but he was still working. There would then be occasions he was popping out (this started before lockdown) and would give me excuse after excuse why he was taking so long. Eventually I would get fed up and tell him to stay at his own house. This one occasion he did the same in the end I went to his house after about 6 hours I had a key and he had the chain on and wouldn’t let me in or tell me what was going on. I thought he was cheating on me I was distraught. The next day he admitted to me he was smoking. After a few times of this happening he sought out professional help. He does weekly online meetings but I feel things are getting worse. He has a job and maintains bills so he functions but very recently he started an argument with me and went home. Normally I wouldn’t accuse him for fear of offending him. This time I just knew in my gut (his brother knows everything) I contacted his brother and between us both bombarding him he eventually came home to me. If I’m honest I feel so manipulated and unhappy. I’ve never suffered with my own mental health infact I do support work with mental health!! But lately I’m so down im riddled with the anxiety of if he’s going to come home etc. He is not the person he used to be and I feel so stuck in a rut its unreal. He stays at my house 247 his house is literally like a crack den now it makes me feel sick!! I’m not sure what I’m even asking here but I just found comfort reading this thread knowing im not the only one in this position! Its not even been a year and I’ve had to practically drag him out of his house over it.. what’s next?? Dens? Me searching for him all hours of the night. I love him so deeply but don’t think this will ever go away. Its draining me and making me mentally unstable!! I wish I could just walk away and never look back!

[thelostone]

Hi. I hope I can reach out and help you in some way.

If I type random things *, it’s because they’ve come into my head and I think they might help you.

My partner (now ex partner as I seek to claw away from him), is STILL using crack. I’ve had lie upon lie upon lie. He went to a rehab unit, came back after 2 weeks because they wouldn’t let him have his own room.. and is using again. I have broken away (lost count of the times I’ve done this). He’s now had TWO strokes. Has that stopped him? No. Over the course of 2 years, I tried to ‘save him’ and lost my physical health, mental health. I suffered anxiety and depression. Today I protect myself. I come first. I’ve heard enough lies and cried enough to make a river.

*If you’re expecting a happy ending, realise there might not be one. He’ll get clean and you will be happy and he will never use again – it’s highly unlikely. If your trust is gone, it’s pretty much over.

May I comment on what you’ve typed.. and what it says to me? I hope you don’t take offence as whatever I say comes from my heart to yours, in the hope it will help you.

“Normally I wouldn’t accuse him for fear of offending him.” – but he can lie to you and use deceit and subtefuge, and that doesn’t offend you. I would say confront him, but all you will get is lies. So save your breath.

“He does weekly online meetings but I feel things are getting worse.” LIsten to your own instincts. Always. Always listen to your gut feeling, it is rarely ever wrong.

You are not the only one in this position. Sadly. I called a drug advice line months into my relationship, having first found out about my partner’s crack use. You know what the man told me? ‘RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION’. I could have saved myself 2 years abuse, heartache and deceit. I didn’t listen.

I searched streets looking for him, chased him down, bombarded his phone, staked out his flat, I confronted a dealer.. I lost my mind, all sense for my own safety, and my health. DON’T DO THIS. Walk away. Get him out of your flat NOW. You need to set boundaries. Right now.

I told my partner I did not want him turning up at my flat. Now I’ve told him not to contact me. Even though he is waiting to go to a second rehab place, I have cut off. For my own protection. Because he will not stop using. There is no miracle cure, and no happy ending in sight, so I am going to re-establish my self-worth, and my peace of mind. I am ok now, I eat and sleep well, I don’t have anxiety, I don’t cry constantly, I am healing.

You CAN walk away and never look back, but you don’t sound ready to do that. And no amount of advice will make you do it. So… just start protecting yourself. Steel yourself for the toughest fight of your life. Because trust me, trying to love and support an addict is the hardest and most futile thing you will ever do in your life. So you best be ready for it. Unless you start to withdraw.

I’ve been exactly where you are. You need to step back, take a deep breath and establish where you go next. My god though, you’re a young (probably beautiful loving caring) young lady. Do you want to waste your life on an addict who puts that junk before you?

[needing2talk]

This is the absolute worst thing.. I am not in denial at all. This has been going on for almost 6 years (could be more but this is what he says). I’ve confided in friends and am so lucky to have such amazing people around me that all tell me the same – run for the hills!

I’m so unsure why I can’t let go when I know I will be SO much happier once I’ve healed. If I’m honest I’ve had some terrible boyfriends but never toxic. I feel this relationship has truly ruined me! I absolutely believe supporting an addict is traumatising and I don’t think ill ever be the same.do you feel this way? You’re right I’m not ready to let go.. every time I tell myself (and him) the next time it happens I’m gone.. that comes and goes and I’m here still!

And no you’re completely right he will do anything for the drug he’s even sworn on his kids lives he’s not smoking when i knew he was. He doesn’t see what its doing to me even though I tell him! But I know he probably doesn’t care. I know he wants out of that life I truly believe it.. what I don’t believe is that he ever will. Even if he’s clean for the next 10 years it will always be in the back of my mind that he could be doing it. I cannot sit on top of a grown man day in day out hoping he’s clean Its so draining! Its made me a different person.. I’ve had times I wish he would just use 247 so I would escape and he would sit in his own misery forever and leave me alone! Which is an awful thought to even have I know.. i feel like I’m going insane.

Have you cut contact with your ex completely? I am so happy your finding yourself again and gives me hope there’s a light at the end of the tunnel!

Thank you so much for your kind words! Xx

[thelostone]

I’ll be completely. I don’t know if I have cut off completely. I told him not to contact me again. Got a really horrible reply (which is just not the man he usually is, so I knew he was using).. I blocked him. I then unblocked him. I don’t know why. But I know inside how strong I am now compared to a year ago. And I have acknowledged that the trust is gone. So there’s no hope. I wished him well in the rehab and said I’d pray for him. But the last week or so, I’ve found peace. I have absolutely no inclination to contact him.

The last week BEFORE he went into rehab, he was using. He gave his new number to all the same old scumbag addicts and dealers. I was utterly exhausted. I was becoming ill again. So I cut off then .. mentally and physically.

I look at my life and think ‘what am I missing? Lies, tears, abuse?’

You want the man back that you fell in love with. Because he’s loving, caring, sweet, funny. It’s Jekyll and Hyde. Any of this sound familiar? Right now you are not someone special to him, you’re collateral damage.

So find some time to sit alone and think, what do you want? How can you put some space between you and him so you can set up some boundaries, to protect yourself?

Don’t bother with ultimatums. They don’t work, he will break them and you will move them. I started with establishing my own space, my home.. and he cannot and will not ever get into my flat again. I wouldn’t even answer a call. A text maybe, but probably not. Only because of the strokes I unblocked him. But if anything happens to him, his family would let me know.

Let me ask you, if it was a friend in your position, what would you tell her to do?

[needing2talk]

Hmm with mine he won’t text me at all and definitely not answer the phone if he’s using. Purely because I assume he’s so out of it? I know he drowns in self pity too. Well yes he used to be the most amazing boyfriend in the world.. but for the last 6 or so months its as if he hates me. Wont come near me is generally off I can’t do right for doing wrong. Its upsetting daily without the use even coming into it. Is this all part and parcel?? I do feel that the next time he uses i must use it as my escape and cling onto the usage to break free from him because I truly can’t live like this anymore.

Wow… I really feel for you! You should be so proud of yourself how far you have come!

He had managed to keep this a great secret only his brother knows (mum thinks its cocaine and doesn’t know the half of it) so I feel I’m fighting this battle alone. Only recently I made him give me his brothers number and was able to contact him. He was so apologetic and couldn’t tell me how sorry he was to put this all on me. My partner has never said anything of the sort and made me think.. do you know what, yes this is all on me and he’s the one who’s made it this way.

He plays the victim.. poor me and its him who’s going through it and not me. Is this just the manipulation or does he seriously think this way? Crazy!

I truly hope you continue to find the strength to never look back to that man. And I truly hope I find mine!

I would lock my friend in a room until she came to her senses – I feel my heart is taking so much longer to accept what my mind already knows!

[thelostone]

Every single thing you’ve said, that was 100% me a year ago. And yes, it’s totally normal.

Addicts have very limited insight into their own behaviour. They lie, deny, attack you in defence, abuse you.. they live in denial. The minute you confront them, them turn it round on you. Which is why it’s worthless to confront them. They will make you feel you’re losing your mind. And you will.. lose your mind.

It’s taken me over two years to get where I am. And no one can push you there quicker than you’re ready to move. This is your own process. Your own journey. You can’t just walk away. Not until you go through your own process. But you can start protecting yourself.

I think you really need to get him out of your flat. For your own safety and sanity. ESP if he has his own place. Until he reaches the point that he is genuinely ready to get help he will not stop using. My partner IS ready and has written me the most amazing letters, apologising for everything, acknowledging the pain he put me through, his love for me. But he is still waiting to go into rehab, and still using – and back to the completely abusive, moody, aggressive and lying ****hole.. so I’m done. Haven’t seen him for 4 weeks and I’m doing well.

Set your boundaries and reclaim your space and sanity. Get your own safe space, and tell him your rules (whether it’s no contact, or whatever)

Until he reaches rock bottom and loses everything, he will almost certainly never stop using that junk.

[thelostone]

Tomorrow, visit this site. They have a live chat available during working hours.

This saved my life a year ago and I still visit them now just to check in:

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

[needing2talk]

The awkward thing is he stays here because he hides in his house to do it. He’d never do it around anyone he will literally lock himself away. My flat is like his safe space. Which I’m fine with because to be honest he’s never been abusive or violent with me at all.. (am I naivete for thinking this won’t be the case in the future??) He has control over the addiction (to a certain degree) and can go weeks/months without it.

It doesn’t consume me like it used to but I know its there and its not going away. However, just because its once every couple of weeks doesn’t mean I’m prepared to put up with it.

I fear it will escalate as he wasn’t even smoking when he first got together (can tell by his behaviour and his general life was going really well).

I just know this isn’t how my life was supposed to pan out. I read this blog over and over for months because it was just crazy how the experiences tend to be the same.

Your hit hard.. you tried to ‘save him’ .. and its so true and so sad!

I want to save him but not prepared to jump of the cliff with him.

I guess there is no saving them?

Thank you again for all your advise and words. I know ill get there one day I guess I just need to hit my breaking point.

I will definitely go on that chat, but I think I will save it for a day he’s using and I feel hopeless!

I hope your taking really good care of yourself and feel supported in your journey, you deserve all the love and happiness the world has to offer!

[thelostone]

You make sure you take care of yourself. Because trust me, no one taking crack is in control. And unless he gets help, it won’t get better, it will only get worst.

All addicts do it away from their loved ones, it’s part of the shame and guilt they experience. But if he slinks off to do it and comes back to stay with you, and you are tolerating it, it probably won’t change.

Just make sure you protect yourself. Reclaim your sanity and if you start to feel bad, step bad and reset your boundaries.

Always here if you need to chat x

[nohope]

OMG yall, We are all living the same lives! Quetalkim I found the same thing for my husband. What is this all about?

[coco1212]

Today is a day I feel like my head is going to explode.

I hate the person I have become, I’m angry and anxious and most of all fed up.

He’s been addict for almost 2 years and I found out about 14 months ago.

I’m so fed up of this constant battle all I do is try to help him and all he does is throw it in my face.

He’s stolen Christmas presents of the kids and cash from me. I feel like I never stop clearing up his mess and today the cheeky ******* said I need to support him all I ever do is support no matter how much pain it causes me.

At this moment in time as I’m writing this I hate him. But later on I’ll start to feel sorry for him and then I’ll get angry with myself for being weak. He’s near enough lost everything to this poison as I call it. Apart from me and the kids which he is extremely close to losing now. I’m even on antidepressants now because of him.

[thelostone]

“as I’m writing this I hate him. But later on I’ll start to feel sorry for him and then I’ll get angry with myself for being weak’ – I was exactly the same. We all feel like this because of an addict.

‘I hate the person I have become, I’m angry and anxious’ – this is all of us.

‘all I do is try to help him and all he does is throw it in my face.’ – that is all of us.

He’s near enough lost everything to this poison. NEAR ENOUGH. Trust me, until he loses everything, until he hits rock bottom, he won’t stop. Which is why you have to walk away. You DON’T need to support him. This is him guilt tripping you. You are NOT his mother. You are NOT responsible for him. Do not let him play on your kindness, it is extremely manipulative of him to say this (but that is what addicts are and what they do). How much lower can he go, stealing from his own family? Please, cut your losses. Start to make the break, because trust me, this will not get better, it is going to get a lot worse.

You need to get out darling, so you can find some headspace. As long as you are embroiled in his carnage, you will be suffering anger, anxiety, depression, sleep deprivation, mood swings and much more.

But I just want to assure you of this: everything you are, is as a result of an addict. We have all been through it, we have all been exactly what you’re describing. You are not imagining it or losing your mind.

[coco1212]

In a way it is good to know it isn’t just me but in another it’s so sad that other people are suffering because the we love and because of people that are greedy and don’t want to get a real job so sell this stuff.

I thought he was doing well and had turned a corner but last week all the rubbish resurfaced.

I am trying to get him a place to live. He’ll be living on the streets without me but your right I need to cut him off, I know that.

He needs to learn what his choices have done.

[thelostone]

Until he learns the consequences of his drug use, he won’t stop. In fact, trying to help him at this stage is just enabling him.

It is not an easy road for you to be on, I know because I did it, and it nearly broke me. But in the end I had to walk away for own sanity.

Right now you must know you can’t trust him. And addicts are by their very nature, deceitful. They won’t think twice about lying to you, disappointing you, stealing from you, they won’t care because they are embroiled on their use.

I hope you can start to make the changes needed to protect yourself. Start with your Boundaries and stick to them. You don’t have to tolerate this abuse.

[coco1212]

In a way it is good to know it isn’t just me but in another it’s so sad that other people are suffering because the we love and because of people that are greedy and don’t want to get a real job so sell this stuff.

I thought he was doing well and had turned a corner but last week all the rubbish resurfaced.

I am trying to get him a place to live. He’ll be living on the streets without me but your right I need to cut him off, I know that.

He needs to learn what his choices have done.

[coco1212]

Thank you for your replies. You seem very clued up on this awful situation.

Some days it’s just so draining.

I hate when i confront him he looks at as though he’s a victim. And when I say stop looking at me like I’m in the wrong he’ll say all you do is shout at me. As if he’s a child.

[thelostone]

Sadly I speak from experience. Prior to being with my partner, I had zero experience or knowledge about drugs, which is why it took me so long to learn and gain the strength to walk away.

It’s so true that when you’re in love with someone, you wear rose-tinted glasses. It’s why people say ‘what do you see in him?’ – it’s because you see something in that person that no one else sees. But it’s also why outsiders can so plainly see things clearer than us, with a more dispassionate eye. And give us advice our head tells us is right, but our heart fights against. Like ‘just leave him’ ‘don’t tolerate this,’ ‘Why are you putting up with this?’

I found personally and from listening to others, what makes it so difficult to walk away is knowing the person you love is in there somewhere. It’s like the drugs steal the person you love. It’s Jekyll and Hyde. If I had a pound for every ‘without the drugs he is the perfect man, without the drugs he is a different person’ ‘when he’s not on the drugs, things are brilliant between us.’ But that is what drugs are and that is what drugs do. You’re waiting for that loved one to come back. And in the meantime, all you get are lies, disappointment, abuse, arguments, heartache… it is a never ending cycle.

Addicts lie to themselves, so they have no compunction lying to you. And I admit now, I lied to myself. I did NOT want to admit that my man was an addict. I loved him. I more than loved him, I adored him, I idolised him. So to finally admit to myself he was an addict hurt me more than any abuse he’s ever given me. But I had to in the end. I accepted that he is an addict, that he is probably never going to stop, this cycle of abuse wasn’t ever going to end, and I was never going to be able to trust him again in any event. That was the hard part of breaking away. That, and dealing with him when he kept coming back to me. My cycle used to be:

* he’d use, I’d call him out for his mood swings, he’d deny being on drugs, we’d argue, he’d abuse me, I’d leave, he’d use until he ran out of money and got low, he’d contact me, I’d go running back. (and repeat, ad infinitum)

I became so ill I suffered panic attacks, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and I became physically ill and looked terrible. Mentally I was a wreck. I sat and sobbed on so many occasions I lost count. This was a man who told me ‘No man will ever feel about you the way I do.’ In fact the truth is, this man treated me worse than any man I have ever been with. He made me feel worthless. My self-confidence was gone and I work now to rebuild that. On occasions the way he spoke to me made me feel like I was nothing more than an idiot. I’ve never been made to feel stupid by the man I love. All the lies, all the deceit..the cruel way he spoke to me.. I kept going back for more in the stupid belief I was being kind. When the truth is, I was just too weak to walk away, because I loved him but didn’t love myself enough.

If I can use my experience to help just one person, then what I went through won’t have been a waste. If I can use my experience to help others come through then it was worth it.

My situation today is that I have had no contact with him since November. I called him and he was using drugs. I asked him not to contact me again and got an abusive text. Within 2 weeks he tried to reconnect with me, even coming to my leisure centre. I walked out. He texted me. I didn’t reply. I’ve subsequently got a stream of texts and calls (none of which I’ve replied to). On Christmas Day I organised for a mutual friend to give him a gift I’d bought. I knew how much it will hurt him if he didn’t hear from me or receive a card/gift on this day, and I don’t wish to torture someone that is clearly unhappy enough to take crack cocaine.

I got quite a few texts… all of which were apologetic and telling me how sorry he was, and how things will change, and how much he loves me. When it was clear I wasn’t going to respond, he even sent pleading texts for a reply. I didn’t give in to the pressure. His last text (received on Sunday) said he was ‘disappointed I hadn’t been able to reply, but seems to have accepted that it’s over, and he wishes me well and love and peace.

I don’t think it is ever over with an addict. You never get closure. You never get your happy ending. All you get are promises, lies, abuse and heartache.

You have to do everything you can to protect YOU. And if you think that is being selfish, remind yourself, your addict is choosing drugs over you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again, they are lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you, taking you for granted and disrespecting you. So when they act like the victim and say you should be helping them, perhaps remind yourself of this.

How many times do you want to keep running into the burning building to save them? Until you get burnt yourself?

[coco1212]

Your reply reduced me to tears. Everything you say is completely true. I have no problem saying he’s an addict, I know he is and I hate it. He’s a fairly new addict but he’s on crack and on methadone which he’s done very well on despite a couple of hiccups.

Although I’m well aware addiction is easier to then get off it infuriates me. I do believe he wants to quit heroin and he will but crack I’m not so sure. I just wish he’d wake up and see the damaged it’s caused but I doubt that will be anytime soon.

I know I need to break free but when I know I’m all he has it’s so hard I wish it wasn’t so hard. I have his children and if anything happened to him and I don’t know if I could forgive myself never mind our children and this is the part I battle with.

I know it’s his choice, I know I’ll never come close now to his habit or worse his children.

This is what I agonise over.

If he had his own place, safe and secure I could relax.

[thelostone]

‘If he had his own place, safe and secure I could relax.’

Do you really believe this is the case? Do you think he would be capable of running his own place? In my experience, addicts lives are chaos. And whilst you’d still be getting a break, you would understandably worry what he’s doing, and if he is ok. This is natural.

I don’t want you to think I’m hard because I’m not. I’m a realist. There is a probability something will happen to him. Addicts take massive risks every time they use. The stress they put on their heart alone is enough to kill them. My partner was twice taken from drug dens in an ambulance. He has now had TWO strokes. Has this stopped him using? No.

If someone happened to him, I would be devastated. But what I won’t do is held accountable for the consequences of his use. As I said to you, until he loses everything, he has no reason to stop.. and there is still the chance that wouldn’t be enough to stop anyway. His problem sounds as bad as my partner, Crack (and occasion heroin that he had to wean himself off). So this is not a fight you can win. But I do appreciate the terrible position you are in, which is why I urge you to start putting some boundaries in place, so you can at least hold on to some of your sanity, and your own sense of self-worth. You are going to need all the strength and support you can get.

[coco1212]

Thank you.

I don’t honestly know if I do believe it. But he does need a place to live, he can’t stay with me and the children.

He’s been using for approximately 22 months and I just can’t believe how it takes over so quickly, how your whole life becomes nothing expect how do I get my next fix.

Things have started to change but not nearly enough. This time last year he was his main dealers lacky in in fact this time last year he even lived with him. But since October he’s stayed away from him and now that dealer is on the run. But unfortunately there are plenty more dealers. But at least there not as ruthless as that one.

He’s probably climbing the walls right now as he’s been in the cells since 9am yesterday morning. Part of me is glad he’s there I know he’s ok and I know he isn’t on it another part of me is just thinking when he’s out again all he’ll be bothered about is getting a fix.

[thelostone]

I really do feel for you, because you are in a terrible position.

Has he even intimated that he wants to stop, or acknowledged that he has a problem?

[coco1212]

He does say he wants to stop but says it’s too hard.

He knows he has a problem but I don’t if he’s ashamed , embarrassed or even in denial about the amount he uses.

I’m not sure if it’s that he just doesn’t want me to know how bad it actually is.

[thelostone]

the use of that drug is shrouded in shame, guilt and disgust and does bring with it embarrassment. That’s why addicts lie about it and minimise how bad it is. When they are in the grip of it, they can’t even see how bad their habit it. And half the time they don’t want to see, all they want is to get their drugs.

If he is saying he wants to stop but it’s too hard, he’s giving himself an excuse. Yes it is hard, but if you want to stop, you will. You will get professional help. People have stopped, and stayed clean.. but this road, it will always be paved with fear. Will he lapse? Will he take it again?

You have to concentrate on you first now. Until he can sort himself out. And trust me, no ultimatums work. I’ve tried them all. You just have to walk away until he can get clean and STAY clean for a substantial amount of time.

[thelostone]

the use of that drug is shrouded in shame, guilt and disgust and does bring with it embarrassment. That’s why addicts lie about it and minimise how bad it is. When they are in the grip of it, they can’t even see how bad their habit it. And half the time they don’t want to see, all they want is to get their drugs.

If he is saying he wants to stop but it’s too hard, he’s giving himself an excuse. Yes it is hard, but if you want to stop, you will. You will get professional help. People have stopped, and stayed clean.. but this road, it will always be paved with fear. Will he lapse? Will he take it again?

You have to concentrate on you first now. Until he can sort himself out. And trust me, no ultimatums work. I’ve tried them all. You just have to walk away until he can get clean and STAY clean for a substantial amount of time.

[coco1212]

Your right it is an excuse he came back and straight away his first thought was scoring. I’ve told him I can’t take much more so I’m dedicating the rest of this week getting him a place I want out.

I’m sick of trying to save him.

[coco1212]

I just wish there was more support out there. I feel trapped, like everyone wants something from me but no one wants to actually help.

We had an argument last night well I say argument it was just me and him looking blank or just up you say so.

It’s exhausting, I really hope that somewhere for him to live comes up soon because I don’t know how much more I can take.

[thelostone]

I felt like that. I felt like I was dealing with it alone, couldn’t talk to anyone, had no support or advice.. it’s like ‘I have never gone through this before, I don’t know what to do, can’t talk to anyone and can’t get help.’ And then with the behaviour of the addict, you feel like you’re losing your mind. You’re trying to rationalise with an addict, and they just give you lies and deceit.

Visit this link, they are online now. Drug advice charity and they can chat with you online.. they saved my life:

(let me know how you get on)

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

[thelostone]

look for the little pop up chat window at the bottom..

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

[coco1212]

I went on and a little chat basically they told me everything I know I need to do just that I’m struggling to do it. I do feel a little better and I’m hoping next week will be the start of some positivity

[needing2talk]

What an absolute roller coaster of emotions our lives are!

All for what? For someone to inhail something that’s going to make them pace up and down for hours!!

I love this forum and feel it’s saved me in a way.. I know I’m not crazy I know its not all in my head!

So it got so much worse he was sneaking off 2/3 times a week.. even told me once his mum was in hospital snd he needed to go be with her?? I knew instantly it was a lie. I would beg and plead with him to please stop and come home I threatened family I threatened police. Nothing worked.

It happened again on Monday just gone so I went to his house.. he welcomed me in and said look I’m not doing anything… all i could think was not downstairs but it’s probably upstairs or u knew I’d come or ur waiting etc etc… in that moment I thought absolutely no more I’m acting crazy!!!

They make us paranoid and anxious and it’s too much! Last summer I suffered so bad I was suicidal.. lowest point of my life. I can’t go back there again!

I told him no more.. all of his things are bagged and have been sitting in my flat since Monday.. every day there’s an excuse why he can’t get them… I’ve told him collect them tomorrow or they’re in the street.

I can no longer pitty him or want to fix him because I’m currently fixing myself.

I blame myself for even thinking I would help him. I’m triggered by any drug talk.. tv documentaries drug talk in work.. anything.. it makes me feel sick to my core.

Between the drugs, lies, mental and emotional torture, escorts, sex meet up sites and just general topic behaviour he has ruined me!

I’m almost 29 and this man has single handedly ruined my mental health in the short space of one year – sickening!!!!

How is everyone doing?

Sending so much love

Xx

[needing2talk]

What an absolute roller coaster of emotions our lives are!

All for what? For someone to inhail something that’s going to make them pace up and down for hours!!

I love this forum and feel it’s saved me in a way.. I know I’m not crazy I know its not all in my head!

So it got so much worse he was sneaking off 2/3 times a week.. even told me once his mum was in hospital snd he needed to go be with her?? I knew instantly it was a lie. I would beg and plead with him to please stop and come home I threatened family I threatened police. Nothing worked.

It happened again on Monday just gone so I went to his house.. he welcomed me in and said look I’m not doing anything… all i could think was not downstairs but it’s probably upstairs or u knew I’d come or ur waiting etc etc… in that moment I thought absolutely no more I’m acting crazy!!!

They make us paranoid and anxious and it’s too much! Last summer I suffered so bad it was the lowest point of my life. I can’t go back there again!

I told him no more.. all of his things are bagged and have been sitting in my flat since Monday.. every day there’s an excuse why he can’t get them… I’ve told him collect them tomorrow or they’re in the street.

I can no longer pitty him or want to fix him because I’m currently fixing myself.

I blame myself for even thinking I would help him. I’m triggered by any drug talk.. tv documentaries drug talk in work.. anything.. it makes me feel sick to my core.

Between the drugs, lies, mental and emotional torture, escorts, sex meet up sites and just general topic behaviour he has ruined me!

I’m almost 29 and this man has single handedly ruined my mental health in the short space of one year – sickening!!!!

How is everyone doing?

Sending so much love

Xx

[coco1212]

First of all don’t blame yourself nothing you have done has caused any of this. It’s him and him alone.

Everything you have said was me last year I went crazy trying absolutely everything to try and stop the madness of it all.

But it was only myself I hurt the most.

He’s now been clean a little over 5 weeks now but I found on his phone that he’s tried to get some. I’ve told him do it again you are on your own, I will not put my children and self through the pain we went through last year.

They don’t understand what we go through. It changes us too.

Take care x

[needing2talk]

Thank you so much for all of your advice and just ur insight into everything. I can’t believe there’s a whole community of us who are in the same position struggling day and and day out just to live with this.

But I am so happy to say I haven’t looked back since my last thread. He took his stuff and I deleted his number. I feel free, content and right now happy.

It’s only been 4 short months but I’m finding myself again and healing from the trauma he inflicted on me.

If I can do it, anyone can.

Hope everyone is ok, sending lots of love xx

[coco1212]

So happy for you xx

[artemis1]

I met my boyfriend 12 years ago when he was a year and a half out of rehab. I was broken too, I just got out of a 16 year marriage and felt like I had lost my way. It seemed we were on the same path to putting the pieces of our lives back together and in someways we were spiritually aligned. He was good for about five years, and then he had back surgery. That led to an addiction to pain medication for three years plus. He faced losing his job if he didn’t get off the pain meds, so he did it himself I was so proud of him! About six months later he relapsed with crack, and it was once or twice a year for a long time after that. I think the best he did was put a year together. Each time he relapsed, each time he used, he waited until I was working overnight or out of town. I always found out when I came home and I was always heartbroken for him but he was always so open and seemingly honest with me and himself, saying all the right things like he never wanted to do it again… and things would be good for a little while. Recently, we had company from out of Town that we hadn’t seen since before Covid and I was appalled embarrassed and humiliated he was smoking crack in his den hiding away from us right and in front of us at the same time. It was just too much, all the talk of being honest all the talk of recovery all the talk of staying clean it seems like he threw it right in my face. I told him he had to leave. And I meant it. He’s a great liar, he knows exactly what to say so he can stay… I think maybe he means it at the time but I don’t know. I know I can’t live with someone who relapses every 3 to 6 months and lies to me while he’s doing it. I don’t trust him and I’ve lost respect. I told him if there was any chance for us he needed professional help again, the only time he was real and committed was when he was fresh out of rehab. He leaves this morning and I’m both relieved and terrified of not having him in my life. I want to know if you can ever beat crack addiction. He’s been battling it for decades. I love him but it’s reasonable that I don’t trust him to protect me emotionally. He cannot live with me. He knows he can’t come back here after rehab. The future is so uncertain, my love is unconditional but living with me is not. I hope he finally realizes that’s it not his whole life he’s f’d up… he’s f’d up recovery and his life is falling apart. I hope he gets it right this time but how will I know?

[king2081]

Hello

Awh god I feel so embarrassed actually saying this I feel so lost and broken I physically and mentally can not take this any more I Wana scream and ask for help if I don’t give him money he says he will sleep with other people everything is my fault I am horrible I am abusive I am controlling he goes out for half an hour and comes back the next day he never admits he has ever been on drugs he speaks to me like nothing else he scream at me.wjay do I do I love him so much but I am at the point is it brush my hair I don’t wear my make up I am just done you will never beat crack it will always win xxx

[abenn12]

I’m right there with you! I knew my husband (boyfriend at the time was using). He got cleaned then relapsed a year in. He’s been clean for 2 years and I found out this week he used 2x last week and my world is now shattered. We have been married 2 years now and I don’t know how to feel..what to think

[needing2talk]

Aw ladies it’s just horrendous what you’re going through.

You’re trying to fix them while loosing yourself.

The love you have for them is simply not enough.

I only suffered just over one short year which felt like hell every single day. I can’t believe you’ve all been suffering for so long.

I have not spoken to my ex since I left him and i wish him all the best and hope one day he can be clean. But i will never forgive him for dragging me into his chaotic life.

I feel peace and have found myself again.

You lose your self identity when you live every day praying they don’t use again and suffering the anxiety of when they do use again.

I promise you the only tunnel you can go down where there is light at the end is the one you go through alone.

This is no way to live and I wish you all the best and pray you find the strength to move on with your life because I promise there is life without them.

Please keep yourself safe and look after yourself and children first and foremost.

Lots of love

xxxxxxxxxxx

[coco1212]

Sadgfogcrackuser it is possible to stop, to recover but it’s not as easy as what does it take ? My ex is 10 months clean and he’s not had a single slip up ( touch wood) . I don’t know what made him stop, I tried everything.

Honestly it sent me crazy for a while.

It was a very difficult and heartbreaking time.

He was on crack and heroin for 18 months and I found out 3 months in and i can honestly stay it felt like an eternity that what I would usually say short time was the hardest thing I’ve had to go through the damage and trouble it caused was unbelievable.

And I’m well aware that for some people that time frame is/was nothing.

But it is possible to stop and recover but it’s when they want and nothing more.

[thelostone]

I read your reply and thought ‘what a strange coincidence!’ But there are no such things as coincidence, only the illusion of coincidence. Because after 17 weeks my ex called me. Then began a barrage of letters, messages and texts. He said he was clean. Approximately 6-8 weeks.

He did 10 weeks in rehab. Came out and within two and a half weeks, he’d used. That was when I walked away.

I looked back at this thread. I started this, A LONG TIME AGO, when I first discovered my boyfriend had used. It’s been a long journey and I still haven’t got him out of my life.

But the last post here.. coco.. this is so strange. Because my partner has just said ‘something feels different this time’ like he has had some big revelation. He has just stopped. He had a monthly injection but aside from that, as you said coco, he just stopped seemingly because he wanted to. Do I kid myself ‘this is it’? NO. I’ve told him our relationship is over, but I know he doesn’t believe that and is now moving heaven and earth to get me back… but I’m nobodies fool now. I will protect myself as fiercely as I once lived him.

Who knows what comes next?

[laurenend]

I recently found out my partner is injecting heroine. I’m losing sleep every night thinking about it. I don’t trust him even going to the toilet anymore/

I hate everything about drugs I find spoons and citric acid and pins everywhere. It was only when I could see the brown residue in the needles I realised he was injecting.

Before this he was 2 years clean of it. He started by smoking it. And I stood by him though this. He said he had injected the heroine as a suicide attempt and now smokes it because of the withdrawals. I supported him until he got his medication. And life was good. He was even one of the first people of his drug group not to take heroine within a week of medication.

But this is so much worse. I get told I encourage it because I’m paranoid. I’m not paranoid I see the messages. He says hurry my mrs will see or ive just jumped out the window bro hurry she thinks I’m in the shower.

He has stolen from me and my dad. And even sold his Christmas present I got him. I’m tired and I’m crying every night.

I’ve just fallen pregnant which was a big surprise. I’ve wanted children all my life and we didn’t think it was possible. We had been trying for 6 years. Now it’s happened and I don’t know what to do. I’m alone and I never imagined that happening.

I need to leave him but I love him so much. He’s 23 he’s a baby I feel I shouldn’t give up on him. He’s young. But then again he never thinks about me. I’m crying to him everyday begging him to talk to me and just tell me shut the **** up ruining the day. I’ve found his heroine 3 times now hidden in different place. He has black thumbs from the lighter and his vain is a mess. He covers his arms all day but I seen it while he was sleeping and must have taken his top of because he’s hot.

I need someone to talk to as I fee so damn alone?I’m only young. My upbringing was not like this. I come from a family that doesn’t even agree with smoking cigarettes. Huhhhh I don’t know what to do. I just want him to change but I think it’s too far this time and it’s not just me I’m thinking about anymore

[coco1212]

I’m completely with you. They can never say never and I feel like I’m always on guard for that, I have to be for my children aswell as myself.

[louisa100]

My boyfriend also goes into chat groups for weird fetishes and even tries to contact a dominatrix when he’s on crack. I caught him out both times and I felt my sense of myself was being shredded by this. I had no idea when I met him about the drugs. Nor one of the links though he did tell me about the doms in the past but said he was looking for love and a real relationship now after years of being alone. I trusted him and things gradually unveiled themselves to me. We’ve had blazing rows and he’s called me all kinds for discovering him! No remorse just defensive anger at being caught out. I’ve told him to leave in those fights but he won’t. I am really confused. I’ve told him what I want from him but he still does crack on his own. I could cope with it (we don’t live together) until I found that it was when he was using the drug that he reverted to previous sexual behaviours too. Our sex life was not great but now it’s non existent. I can’t bring myself to trust that he actually wants me and not some other old habit.

I am sure he was trying to change and be more normal but can’t and it’s left me feeling like the big disappointment for just being normal and wanting fun love sex and to be a partnership.

I feel as a woman my feminity has been trampled. Can’t seem to give up on something I know is going to die pretty soon. I lov Ed the person he can be but I see and feel the split in him and I think it’s been going on too long. He won’t go to NA or admit it’s a problem he needs help with. I need to end this but it’s breaking my heart

[shell98]

Thank you for posting I’m in the same situation its like he is a different person from the man I fell in love with

[shell98]

But you can’t let go, he’s probably made you upset every day but you are willing to forgive. I can’t no more just got to find the strength to walk away but I can’t x

[briannar96]

So recently my boyfriend/childs father started doing crack a month ago. It started with him helping this lady out who got out of jail they was working together she would ask him to help her out with money and if he could use my car to take her home or to the laundry Matt. He works late night so one day he was suppose to get off at 9 pm but he came home at 1am. I thought he was cheating on me but he lied and said he was working then finally a few days later he confessed that he started smoking crack with her. He told me he would never do it again but now he has been doing it so much. One day on his off day usually on his off days we just relax together with our son but he wanted to leave and it made me mad, I told him I didn’t want him to leave so he got mad and he was saying stuff like well I’ll just be here for my son not you and that made me feel so sad so I told him just go since you don’t want to be here and he left for two days. He told me he was at his friend house but he was at a crack house with the lady he smokes with then he said they were trying to kill him there but I think he was hallucinating because he said he was hearing them talk about killing him so he ran away to his sister house and after that incident he promised he would never do it again we’ll my moms ex boyfriend saw him smoking crack and using a homeless persons crack pipe. When I confronted him he lied but then he finally told the truth and said he did it and he said that he can function while doing it and it won’t do nothing to him but he is in total denial because that stuff is already taking a toll on him. I told his mom and sister what’s really been going on and they said had a family intervention with him. He promised he would never do it again but now he has been out all day it’s almost 10pm he got off work at 2 pm I don’t know where he is I called texted no answer this is breaking my heart and giving me anxiety it’s so stressful because I don’t want to let go but idk what to do I love him so much like this is my soulmate we grew up together as children been together for years in and off we have two children one died of cancer 3 years ago idk what to do at this point I feel it’s only going to get worse and I don’t if he is out here doing sexual stuff with people this just keeps breaking my heart I’m scared something happened he hasn’t called me at all I need help

[briannar96]

So recently my boyfriend/childs father started doing crack a month ago. It started with him helping this lady out who got out of jail they was working together she would ask him to help her out with money and if he could use my car to take her home or to the laundry Matt. He works late night so one day he was suppose to get off at 9 pm but he came home at 1am. I thought he was cheating on me but he lied and said he was working then finally a few days later he confessed that he started smoking crack with her. He told me he would never do it again but now he has been doing it so much. One day on his off day usually on his off days we just relax together with our son but he wanted to leave and it made me mad, I told him I didn’t want him to leave so he got mad and he was saying stuff like well I’ll just be here for my son not you and that made me feel so sad so I told him just go since you don’t want to be here and he left for two days. He told me he was at his friend house but he was at a crack house with the lady he smokes with then he said they were trying to kill him there but I think he was hallucinating because he said he was hearing them talk about killing him so he ran away to his sister house and after that incident he promised he would never do it again we’ll my moms ex boyfriend saw him smoking crack and using a homeless persons crack pipe. When I confronted him he lied but then he finally told the truth and said he did it and he said that he can function while doing it and it won’t do nothing to him but he is in total denial because that stuff is already taking a toll on him. I told his mom and sister what’s really been going on and they said had a family intervention with him. He promised he would never do it again but now he has been out all day it’s almost 10pm he got off work at 2 pm I don’t know where he is I called texted no answer this is breaking my heart and giving me anxiety it’s so stressful because I don’t want to let go but idk what to do I love him so much he has such a sweet spirit but the crack turns him into a different careless person like this is my soulmate we grew up together as children been together for years on and off we have two children one died of cancer 3 years ago idk what to do at this point I feel it’s only going to get worse and I don’t if he is out here doing sexual stuff with people this just keeps breaking my heart I’m scared something happened he hasn’t called me at all I need help

[coco1212]

Hi Briannar96

We’ve all been where you are and it truly is heartbreaking and while their out thinking their having a great time your there going out of your mind with worry.

Unfortunately this is something you can’t control he won’t stop until he wants to stop and in order for that he has to admit there’s a problem.

Has he ever done something like this before or used other drugs before ?

My ex was on crack for 18 months and it was the worst experience of my life , it was the loneliest time of my life. Not only that but I didn’t recognise myself it made me become anxious, depressed and withdrawn because I went on a mission to find out where he was and who he was with but it was all a waste of time. He also at some point started doing heroin.

But on the positive one day after many arguments he finally got help and that was in the October, didn’t hold out much hope as he was still using and I thought what’s the point but in the January it stopped and to my knowledge and I’m quite confident he hasn’t used since he’s now been clean for 16 months. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it could take alot of time and do alot of damage. I still struggle with trust and I can’t forgive what he put me and our children through, I had social services involved because of it and I was terrified of losing my children because of his stupidity.

I wish I could say do this and he’ll stop but it doesn’t work that way.

I hope you and your son will be OK maybe with it being so early on if you kick him out it might give him a reality check but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t.

I know exactly what your thinking with last part what kick him out and push him further to the problem but you need to think of yourself and son too and your mental health. If you look on alot of these you will see it takes it’s toll on the families too.

Take care xx

[worriedsister]

Where did your partner go to get help please?

[sadgfofcrackuser]

What did he do to get help ? Rehab? Counseling ?

[coco1212]

Clean slate if you go online places will come up.

He’s been clean approximately 16 months now so for almost as long as he had his habit for and so far not a single relapse. X

[worriedsister]

Thank you x I’m so pleased that your partner has been clean for 16months it gives the rest of us some hope that it is possible! I hope he can continue I take my hat off to him x

I have a sister that’s a coke addict (daily user) and my partner uses crack I think once a week at the moment x

He says he wants to stop so I’m hoping he will I hate it x and actually can’t cope mentally with both him and my sister. X

[miked80]

Coco, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been put through, you and your children. I really hope you’ll be able to rebuild your trust and your relationship.

Brianna, I’m likewise so sorry to read what you’re going through now. It definitely my sounds like your boyfriend is in denial, and there are probably more excuses to come. I’ve had the same excuses and more – it’s only his life, and his to mess up, for example.

I know it’s hard because it feels like letting go of someone you love, but these are his choices pushing you apart, they would not be yours. Meanwhile, you do need to think of yourself and your children – you don’t want to be dragged down with him. You can still be there to support his recovery, because he’ll need love and support and hope to make it work. But you can’t do that if you replace the love and trust with resentment and suspicion.

[coco1212]

Worriedsister I can’t imagine what having two loved on such substances is like. I only had to deal with one and my mental health took such a downward spiral, it was extremely difficult looking after the children and struggling with mental health and dealing with an addict who simply was very much under the drug and the dealers control.

Maybe you need to get some counselling just so you can vent your feelings. This forum and counselling helped me. Don’t me wrong I’m a different person now I trust no one and suspicious of everyone. Which isn’t the life I wanted but unfortunately the drugs don’t just change the user.

[briannar96]

Coco and Mike, so since I write on here the last time my boyfriend was telling me how he is giving his life to God and that he will never do crack again well today I have not heard from him since this morning and it is scathing the crap out of me I have no idea where he is his phone is dead I just don’t know what to do

[coco1212]

Try not to panic easier said than done the chances are despite what he’s said he’s doing crack somewhere. Having said that of you have genuine concerns call the police.

I’ve been through this I think it was 2 or 3 days and he just came knocking at the door and said your looking for me like it was perfectly normal what he had done.

[briannar96]

You’re probably right he might be out there doing drugs it’s just never been this long since I’ve heard from him I just pray nothing bad has happened

[miked80]

From my experience, I’d say the same. Mine does this despite the promises. I’ve learned to equate disappearance to massive bender. I wish I could numb myself to them, but I can’t help but fear for his safety. I don’t know if the fear is worse than the pain of being lied to again and again.

And like you, Coco, every time it happens he gets really confused that everyone’s worried and looking for him, as if the vanishing act is perfectly normal and healthy.

[donthaveaclue]

I really feel as if they create their own reality – where all this stuff is acceptable. Mine doesn’t really disappear like that but he does seem to have normalised a lifestyle that is far from normal.

[coco1212]

May I ask you all really what do you think made them take this substance my ex says the death of his grandparents but I think that’s a lie because he started it years after their deaths.

[donthaveaclue]

Mine had a traumatic childhood involving severe abuse and neglect. He was put in care and further abused and institutionalised.

He fell in with the wrong crowd.

He never had a stable parental figure or roots in 1 place and was introduced to drugs by a family member!

He has dabbled in drugs on and off with a couple of periods of severe addiction – by that I mean he literally was living to take the drugs and ending up with nothing. One of these is happening now and the other I only found about recently but happened years ago.

I think mine has such bad trauma and mental health issues that are untreated that drugs seem some kind of fix or respite/relief. In reality, they are not that at all.

He is now traumatising me and his child… we will have problems going forwards because of what he’s doing.

[donthaveaclue]

P.S. I have met a number of addicts. Every one I’ve met had childhood trauma. Even the unobvious ones who had outwardly middle or upper class upbringings. When you spoke to them candidly eventually it came out… sexual abuse, parental abandonment or a lack of attachment/nurturing, physical abuse…

I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule but there was definitely a theme.

[coco1212]

Actually now you have said some things I’ve actually come to abit of realisation such as drugs have always been apart of his life since the age of 13 he was introduced by his sisters boyfriend and it got worse with a certain crowd. But I didn’t know until I found out about his addiction it had been so bad before I thought it was cannabis that was his biggest problem he’ll never give that up.

Also family well his grandparents were always there for him but his parents only ever cared for his sister she could never do any wrong but him he was always the disappointment.

[donthaveaclue]

Yeah I think there is a definite link.

I guess some people could also go through those things and not try drugs or not become addicted. So there is probably also personality as a factor.

I have suspicions my addict has borderline personalty disorder. He also has very nacisstic traits.

One of my friends has become a cocaine addict since lockdown. She says she uses coke to cope with the stress of every day life.. she is mum to a young child who it looks as if is on the spectrum, so quite challenging behaviour etc. She also had a traumatic early childhood where her mother abandoned her for the first 5 years of her life.

[coco1212]

It’s sort of counselling he still goes now 16 months on.

[olivia-b]

Hi all, this is my story too. We are 9 months in and it’s not the first time he’s used crack but the first time since we have been together. He was clean fir the first 2 years then his dad died and it’s getting increasingly more frequent. He’s now taking at least weekly. We live together and I know I am going to have to ask him to leave because I have a 15 year old son to think about.

He’s in denial atm.

Nothing works I’ve tried everything

What can I do?

[needing2talk]

Olivia – you already know what you need to do. It won’t get better love 🙁

You really need to be selfish and like you said think about your child and yourself.

It will drive you to the point you think you’re going crazy. No trust, won’t believe a word out of their mouth and you won’t be happy.

I hope you’re okay and looking after yourself in the meantime. I know how unbelievably hard it is. I only did just over a year because I physically couldn’t do it – I was an anxious paranoid mess.

I know it’s easier said than done though – please look after and be kind to yourself xxxx

[coco1212]

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do, this is all about him. If he’s in denial nothing you do will help him until he’s ready to admit he’s struggling and using again and then all you can do is support him. It’s a very lonely and stressful road for the loved ones.

I wish I could give some better advise but from experience I don’t feel there’s anything you can do apart from confront with what you know and tell him honestly what that means for you and your son.

[olivia-b]

I’ve tried that. I’ve asked him to keep it away from me. But he isn’t doing so. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong and that I’m overreacting.

Should i ask him to leave? I can’t live with it and if he can’t stop I don’t see another alternative.

I feel like I’m failing him but it’s his problem and I have to think about myself and my son not just him

[olivia-b]

I’ve tried that. I’ve asked him to keep it away from me. But he isn’t doing so. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong and that I’m overreacting.

Should i ask him to leave? I can’t live with it and if he can’t stop I don’t see another alternative.

I feel like I’m failing him but it’s his problem and I have to think about myself and my son not just him

[olivia-b]

I’ve tried that. I’ve asked him to keep it away from me. But he isn’t doing so. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong and that I’m overreacting.

Should i ask him to leave? I can’t live with it and if he can’t stop I don’t see another alternative.

I feel like I’m failing him but it’s his problem and I have to think about myself and my son not just him

[olivia-b]

I’ve tried that. I’ve asked him to keep it away from me. But he isn’t doing so. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong and that I’m overreacting.

Should i ask him to leave? I can’t live with it and if he can’t stop I don’t see another alternative.

I feel like I’m failing him but it’s his problem and I have to think about myself and my son not just him

[olivia-b]

I’ve tried that. I’ve asked him to keep it away from me. But he isn’t doing so. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong and that I’m overreacting.

Should i ask him to leave? I can’t live with it and if he can’t stop I don’t see another alternative.

I feel like I’m failing him but it’s his problem and I have to think about myself and my son not just him

[olivia-b]

Sorry for all the re-posts – I was on my phone and I thought it wasn’t posting!

[coco1212]

First of all you you are not failing but I do know that me saying that won’t help because I know exactly what your feeling.

You have to do what’s best for your son and yourself if that’s him leaving that’s what it is.

Don’t feel guilty this was his choice. I know people say addiction is an illness but it also starts with a choice.

[olivia-b]

Yeah I’m not sure I’m ready to do that yet but I know I will have to if he can’t stop. Its only been 9 months but its gone from once or twice to regularly. He says he’ll try and stop but he obviously can’t. He tries to make out I’m overreacting.

I used to drink a lot, I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic but I was definitely drinking more than was sensible. And thanks to his views about this I’ve cut right back and am a better person for it.

I want to stand by him but I can’t accept it.

Is your partner still clean?

[olivia-b]

Yeah I’m not sure I’m ready to do that yet but I know I will have to if he can’t stop. Its only been 9 months but its gone from once or twice to regularly. He says he’ll try and stop but he obviously can’t. He tries to make out I’m overreacting.

I used to drink a lot, I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic but I was definitely drinking more than was sensible. And thanks to his views about this I’ve cut right back and am a better person for it.

I want to stand by him but I can’t accept it.

Is your partner still clean?

[coco1212]

He is now he was crack for 18 months and I’m not sure how long he used heroin for I know it was less. I found out 3 months into it and kicked him out, unfortunately during that time he got a large inheritance payout and blew the majority except a few thousand on it so it was bad. When the money ran dry he came back and ended up in caravan on my garden then the council threatened to evict me because a caravan wasn’t allowed so then I had to let him move back in because no one else would have him luckily by this time I’d found somewhere that could help support him so he had started making small steps to stop using. But I’m pleased to say he’s 19 months clean not one blip so far but if he did I wouldn’t accept it a second time it’s too painful. Even now I don’t trust him.

[olivia-b]

My partner has a really strong work ethic and says he will never jeopardise that. Said he wouldn’t use on a work day. Although he used last night and has work today 🙁

He says he hasn’t got a problem and he’s taken before and stopped without a problem. But he spent 4 years in prison for drug trafficking (cannabis) so for all I know it was an enforced stop.

He also takes a very low dose of Buprenorphine which I’ve found out is for opoid addiction although he denies he’s ever been addicted to heroin.

He finally told me after along time he had a problem with sleeping pills and alcohol for a while which he got help for and anti-depressants but he hated them and refuses to take them again.

I think he may have depression or ADHD or even aspergers, and he’s self-medicating. I also know he had a difficult childhood with this Dad as he always talks about him when he’s used and his mum told me he was a very difficult man. He also has covert narcissistic tendencies and our relationship has been very rocky which I’m sure hasn’t helped the situation.

I think he needs help but I think he needs to want to get help, and as I said he’s in denial atm.

I just feel totally despondent and anxious, not even angry anymore just scared for the future

[thelostone]

I feel for all on this post still suffering this crap. Let me tell you this.. 4 years later my (now ex) is still using, still trying to connect with me and nothing ever changes.

When this first all started, I called a drug help line. This is the advice the man gave me – “run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!’

At first I thought this was really bad advice, not sympathetic and not understanding where I was. It took me four years of complete and utter misery and hell to realise what I should’ve done from day one, listen to what that man told me.

You are only going to waste your life, time, energy and it is going to drag you down until you have NO self esteem, no sanity, no sense of worth and you are mentally and physically ill.. and you know what? The addict you care so much about won’t give one crap as long as he’s getting his junk and using.

Get it OUT of your life. Don’t be gas lit. Don’t accept it. Walk away and let them see what they’ve lost. It may be the wake up call they need. Or it may not. But put yourself first!

[olivia-b]

Thanks… was / is yours a daily user? Did / does he work?

Mine thinks he’s in control because he maintains a job and puts money first

[thelostone]

Yes my ex was able to work. It fluctuates between using until he runs out of money and they not using for a few days. He’s pawned and sold stuff to get heroin and crack. He’s done rehab, come back and used, been clean for a few months and then used again..he can be clean for about 14 weeks, starts to look good, has money, has work.. and then he will use again. You’ll get a ridiculous lie when you know what they’re doing.. like they think you’re stupid. it never ends.

Classic way to lie to themselves; they are in control, they can stop, they tell so many lies to themselves and others I think they actually believe the sh*t they spout.

Just walk away for the sake of your health, sanity and own life.

[coco1212]

He might think he’s in control but he isn’t the drug is always in control.

The more he takes his eye off the ball the addiction will take over it’ll increase then if he’s lucky not to be caught he’ll be working just for his addiction

[miked80]

Unfortunately I’ve watched my partner’s substance issues go from bad to worse and now back to just bad over the summer, relapsing into meth for two brief stints. There is a lot of lying that goes with it, to be but also to himself. The biggest and most tempting lie they tell themselves is that they can maintain the habit and lead an otherwise normal life. Which of course is a lie, but the addict is up against themselves. They’re the ones lying to themselves – under the influence/in the service of their cravings, so in effect the liar is just as smart as the one trying to see through it.

[olivia-b]

See mine only uses about once a week atm and he has money to spend on other things. But we are only 9 months in and its already gone from once or twice at the beginning to every week now.

I’m petrified I have to be honest.

[olivia-b]

He’s definitely lying to himself and me. He thinks its no worse than alcohol. I drank too much for a while and have since cut right back, but at least its legal.

I just can’t get over how he thinks its acceptable to do it in the house where my 15 year old son lives. Regardless of how discreet he is about it. Its insane!

Then yesterday he said I’m not helping by getting angry or upset.

What does he want from me?!!

[miked80]

Unfortunately, I suspect it will get worse before it gets better. Not because it inevitably gets to that state, there are plenty of people who hold down a habit without it taking over everything. But his lack of boundaries around your son is pretty glaring.

Also unfortunately, in my experience he’s right in that getting upset doesn’t help, but there’s precious little that does help. You’ve laid out your concerns, what he does with that is up to him and him alone.

[olivia-b]

He says he would never allow my son to find out and wanted to keep the door to his office locked but I put a stop to that.

He says he would hate for my son to go down that path.

But then why can’t he see how wrong it is to do it in the house where he lives?

Never mind the consequence for me. If his Dad found out I would have to admit that I had allowed it. Its unacceptable of him to do it and unacceptable of me to allow it.

The other problem is he doesn’t want to do it on the streets. He stays home and sits in his room having time to do things he normally is too tired for. E.g. building a drone. He’s pleasant and almost more loving on it. Although he’s very annoying as he never stops talking, but he’s almost nicer.

But in-between times he never gets out of bed. He has no desire to do things with me as a couple, no interest in normal things – that’s not new btw he’s always been like that. For him its an escape from the boredom and stress of everyday life.

I understand all that I really do. But I simply can’t accept it because it is illegal and highly addictive.

[coco1212]

Your saying all the right things so I’m assuming your battling with yourself almost want one of us to tell you something different. That’s not a dig your in an awful situation we all know it we have been there some still are.

He shouldn’t be doing it in the house where your son and you know your in for even worse ride of sons dad finds out or worse social services. I went through that and it was awful, I felt attacked by them I was doing my best trying to help everyone with no support at all. I wouldn’t wish that on you.

Maybe it will be his wake up call or maybe it will be yours to finish with him. Only you can make the decision.

[olivia-b]

Yes you are right… I know the answer but I’m too afraid to do it. Stupid really.

I keep thinking next time… next time.

After telling his mum initially, he asked me not to stress his mum with it all (she’s Portuguese and recently widowed). I have since respected that. But I have asked him to keep it away from me and my son and he’s not respecting this wish of mine. Sat with me all evening last night and had the audacity to question why I’m upset because “I’ve been with you all evening, what’s so bad?”

I know I have to make the decision. It is helpful hearing other people’s stories though… if only to make me accept nothing I say or do will stop this from happening.

I told him I don’t see a happy ending and that’s such a shame, I feel so sad

[miked80]

I do feel for you, you’re in an awful situation. This is veering into relationship advice, but you have respected his wishes and boundaries, while he hasn’t done the same for you. Even if I understand where he’s coming from (using at home is almost certainly safer for everyone than him just being… somewhere… out there), you have to decide whether this is the life you want long term.

I’ve had the (relative) luxury of it just being the two of us. It’s been stressful emotionally and financially, of course, but I could hold out because I don’t have a child to worry about.

[olivia-b]

Its definitely not the life I want for the future that much I know 🙁

He refuses to talk about it too (unless he’s used) so I’m stuck and everything I say sounds like an ultimatum which makes him worse.

Its a no win situation for everyone.

[coco1212]

If you know this isn’t the life you want or accept don’t prolong it.

You just need to be brave and what your scared to do.

To be honest he is probably well aware this isn’t what you want to do and so he knows he can do it anyway.

[olivia-b]

Definitely… I’ve literally just found out my ex husband has prostate cancer too. Also my work is stressful. I can’t cope with the extra stress. I’ve told him today by message it has to stop. That I’ll help him if he wants but he first has to admit he has a problem.

If he still doesn’t stop I’ll have to ask him to leave. Even if its temporary while he sorts himself out. But at least it will be away from me and my son

[thelostone]

Making ultimatums doesn’t work. Threats don’t work. Begging doesn’t work. Consider this; what if he leaves something lying around and your son finds it, or worst still tries it. Sounds extreme but I know someone this happened too.

Put yourself first, you and your son. Because an addict is nothing but selfish and will take take take. Get out while you can.

[olivia-b]

I have learnt all that already. I would be surprised if he did leave something lying around as he’s very conscientious (sounds ridiculous in the context of what we are talking about I know!) but yes of course that a possibility.

He’s not a bad man but he needs help with whatever problems he has that he thinks crack will help solve.

And I can’t dedicate myself to that cause 🙁

[lustar]

Hi,

Sorry to jump on but I am in the same situation, reading everyone experience is like it’s my life.

I have no idea what to do anymore and I’m very close to leaving, the reason I haven’t already is because of all the promises, he has no where to go either.

So my partner always did coke on and off for years, never liked it but we didn’t live together, we then got pregnant and he moved in I thought it all stopped but then he would go out all night not come back so I had an idea, fast forward 3 years we have to 2 kids together and I have an older son, I have found coke bags all over the house. Even full ones. Well u lost it. The kids could of had it. I kicked him out I told everyone about it because frankly I sick of pretending everything is OK, his mum was disgusting and has help financially, he promised not to touch it again and made an appointment for professional help, well the eek after did it again, found another empty bag, he says he hasn’t had it but I made him do a drug test well he failed that one. So now I’m here.

He blames me and everyone around him for why he does it. I will not take responsibility for that and I will not allow him to drag me down for his own selfishness.

I want to believe he will stop and stop picking drugs over his family but I know that probably won’t happen. So I know I have to leave not just for me but my kids aswell because I’m so scared of social services being involved.

Anyway I just wanted to jump on and its nice knowing I’m not on my own in this bad situation but suppose that makes it so much worse that there’s loads of people like us.

[coco1212]

I’m sorry your going through this, it’s an awful place to be and in my experience a very lonely place. People either turn their back on you or pile on the pressure in my experience.

It’s harder I found if there is nowhere for them to go as the guilt you feel it’s overwhelming but at one point I did kick him out but then as the money dried out I was the only person left.

It didn’t come without it’s struggles my house was raided because he’s was classed as an associate and that led to social services my world for a time was a very lonely and bleak one.

But I think kicking him out was also the wake up call because he did get help and he as of yet fingers crossed hasn’t had a blip 19 months on.

His habit was 18 months in total but that I can honestly say was the longest, loneliest and most painful of my life

[lustar]

Yeah the guilt you feel is real and I know if he wasn’t here he would lose everything completely so then I feel bad because I don’t want to the reason for that but then I also think it’s his own choices that have got us to this point, it’s a hard place constantly battling with yourself, questioning yourself on an hourly basis, it’s hard.

I’m so happy your situation turned around, do you still constantly think that he will relapse?

[lustar]

Yeah the guilt you feel is real and I know if he wasn’t here he would lose everything completely so then I feel bad because I don’t want to the reason for that but then I also think it’s his own choices that have got us to this point, it’s a hard place constantly battling with yourself, questioning yourself on an hourly basis, it’s hard.

I’m so happy your situation turned around, do you still constantly think that he will relapse?

[coco1212]

Yes every single day I’m looking for it. Any change in behaviour mind goes bad their and I don’t think it will change I’ve asked him to get his own place because there will never be a relationship in the way he wants. Once that trust has been broken I personally don’t think it can ever be repaired.

It’s awful isn’t it when it’s left all on your shoulders yet it isn’t your doing, it wasn’t your choices but the responsibility seems all on you.

I truly hope you get more support then I did. X

[olivia-b]

My partner hasn’t used since 5th September but only because we’ve pretty much been arguing since then!

He basically insists he’s done nothing wrong (and if he has its only to himself) despite him doing it in the house for 9 months now when I have repeatedly asked/begged him not to and my 15 year old son lives here.

He said he’s exhausted with my obsession about it!

He’s in the spare room atm, still working very hard but other than that he contributes nothing really to my quality of life.

I still care about him but certainly not like I did. I worshipped him at one point.

He blames me for getting angry and upset and uses excuses etc.

Just not sure there is any way back for us as he doesn’t care about my feelings (not specific to this situation but he’s like this in general). Says my standards are to high and the perfect person doesn’t exist.

No idea if we have a future anymore.

Like you say its a trust issue and I’m not relaxed with him anymore like I used to be.

[thelostone]

give it a few more months and he will have you feeling like you’ve lost your mind…. along with your respect, sense of self worth and any resolve you have left.

An addict will argue with you until you’re just too exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. They have no respect for themselves so don’t expect them to have any for you or other loved ones. They also have zero insight into the damage they are doing to you or others.

Get away now whilst you still can.

[olivia-b]

Yeah I get that. He said the next time I attack him is the last! I said the next time you do drugs is the last. So let’s see what happens.

Just amazes me how he has no insight into how his behaviour affects others.

He doesn’t even get that him going to prison will have affected his mum… totally weird!

[lustar]

Of course they will argue with you because they don’t seem to think anything is wrong with they are doing,

I’m at the point now where I don’t want him around me like that. If he had his own place it would be so much easier.

I will not let him bring me or my kids down with him.

So everyone says the trust is totally gone and there really is no way of building that trust back, they will still sneak about hiding stuff away from us and yet we have to hope they don’t go back, that really isn’t a life I signed up for or I’m comfortable accepting, we all deserve so much more.

Thank all for your input and views on it. I really do appreciate it all

[olivia-b]

I’m the same. He threatens to leave but won’t and if I ask him to leave I’m the bad guy.

We are on our final chance.

It’s the disrespect of how I feel about it that’s the worst. He just doesn’t care how I feel and worse still says I’m overreacting!

[lustar]

I have told him, if he wants that life then leave, but he doesn’t says he wants us and will work getting sorted. Will last a few months, then stress of lift brings it all back.

That’s the worse that they just dismiss everything we feel or think yet I have to accept what he has done and understand why, but he doesn’t see what he is doing is hurting not just me but everyone around him.

I really want to believe he is telling the truth and really wants to change but I have heard it all before so I have little faith now.

Your never overreacting, especially when it comes to feelings and emotions. Its hard to watch someone you love self destruct and all you want is for them to be happy and healthy it gets very frustrating and we express that probably the wrong way sometime but we don’t mean harm by that

[olivia-b]

How old are you? I’m well past the point where I thought I would be dealing with this kind of shit. He’s 36 too so not a kid anymore. His dad died last December and I don’t think they had a good relationship… he was a bully (like father like son) but he’s taking to drugs to deal with it. If he asked me for help I would help him but he’s too damm proud!

[lustar]

34, I too feel the same, should be able to enjoy life instead of worrying about them all the time.

It’s all very frustrating

[olivia-b]

I’m 50 and I was married for 20 years to someone older. Never for one minute thought I would end up in this situation!

[lustar]

You really shouldn’t have to be dealing with all this, you should be enjoying your life not getting stressed and dragged down.

[olivia-b]

Tell me about it… living with a child!

And a selfish one at that. I have more fulfilling conversations with my 15 year old son than I do my partner… that says a lot

[triedsohard]

Hi thelostone
I am new on here but have followed your thread .. wow .. how i could relate to so much you said. I would shout outside drug dens, approach dealers , putting myself at risk. Follow him . Watch his flat. But also look after his many health problem. Serious problems. Even diagnosed with cancer in first lock down. I tried and tried to support him and encourage him because he said he wanted to stop.
It would be hit and miss if i got a birthday or Christmas present. Although i always bought for him .. but i suppose because i cared and knew his problem i forgave. He always said a present was on its way .. and sometimes a beautiful present would arrive months later. Or when he was ok flowers and little gifts . But that would all suddenly stop and i knew what was going on again.
When things were good he was kind funny generous,my absolute best friend. Full of good advice and i just loved being with him so much. At other times i vowed i would walk away for my sanity because of so many lies.
He had suffered the last year with yet another illness. He was in absolute agony with a infection in knee and bone. On two crutches . He wanted to rest more as in pain as he waited on test resuls and a future operation… but i felt more to it. The last time i saw him he cried, sobbed. He said it was the pain but i felt more going on. That weekend he didn’t come home .. tbe first time ever. I spoke a few times when he did actually answer the phone. He was with people i had never heard of. He promised would be home on the tues but didn’t turn up. I reported him missing to police. His body was found that night .. after a traumatic day of messages passed to be by people who knew where he was.I am still in shock. Heartbroken. Confused. Devastated. Although he had stopped heroin the year before he had been smoking crack. But died of a methadone overdose .. something i will never believe. I cant ask him what happened, the police are not interested… just an addict hey. But an addict who was loved so so much. But your post reminded me of the madness that surrounded my life, that i had tried my best .. tried so hard. But still i couldn’t save him. Addiction is awful.. he would say it was his brain arguing with itself. He said he was close to stopping crack.. and no cocaine or heroin was foubd in his body.Ill probably never find out what really happened. But i just wanted to thank you for making me feel not so alone in the madness of trying to help an addict

[eddie123]

If you know of anyone who is struggling with a loved ones addiction, I know of a great charity that supports people nationwide. The family support programme is remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours.

https://www.adaptoxford.org.uk/support

They also provide free treatment to the substance user if they want the support themselves( under the adapt programme on their website)

[Author]

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