[daved]

Hi, I use to be an alcoholic and cocaine user for more than 20 years and let me tell you what I say to my clients who’s been in your situation.

First of all, by reading what you wrote, I can clearly see that he’s probably lying to you. Most of the time, an addict has a victim mentality and tends to blame others for what’s happening in their life.

When you have an addiction like cocaine or alcohol, you’ll try to evade any questions about that subject by coming up with excuses that don’t make sense.

Like the one where he told you that he had erased the text messages because his friend was asking him drug dealer’s numbers, and he knew you wouldn’t like it.

If an addict can’t think of an excuse right away, storming out is a suitable defense mechanism.

When addiction takes over, an addict will do anything to feed his addiction. Unfortunately, that means lying to the one closest to you. His addiction has become bigger than him, and the worst part is, he probably thinks he has it under control or doesn’t have a problem at all.

And take it from me, an ex-addict, when you get sober, you don’t hang out with people who are still taking drugs or alcohol.

You can try to help him if he admits that he has an addiction. I know it might be a long shot, but I’ve seen it happens more times than you know. Having a conversation without confronting him and telling him how hurt and sad it makes you feel might help.

If that’s not an option anymore, well….. it’s up to you to make your own happiness and whatever you choose to do, make sure it makes you happy.

Hope that helps a little, and I wish you the best.

[cstar]

Hi

I desperately need some advice

I too found out my husband was a cocaine addict last summer but he only admitted to me that he had a problem with it in November.

At this point I was on the brink of putting the divorce proceedings in place and we were trying to agree financial settlements -it was very one sided (mine). He was still denying he had a cocaine problem until I found a bag of Coke and so he was finally backed into a corner.

I now recognise the signs when he’s taken / taking it (smokes a lot more/ drinking more/ avoiding me / stays up late etc).

In November the deal then was

– we divorce and he leaves or

– he gets help

I sat with him whilst he self-referred himself – he took weekly calls as the lockdown stopped face to face support meetings

He missed a few calls and spoke quite ‘arrogantly’ about it saying they weren’t really doing anything and that he was managing on his own

I told him to stay with them (as I feared he was still taking it)

He is a very good liar- but not as good as he thinks anymore.

He did finish with them and they signed him off saying he’d done really well

Since then (2.5 months ago) he’s on it again.

Never has he been honest first although he’s promised he will be “next time”.

He seems to do things that will upset me and then will lead to an argument and then he uses cocaine and says it was my fault for causing the argument!!!

I have a very responsible job and it’s affected my performance – hugely

At this point – it’s the lies that have destroyed our marriage and our family more than the actual drug taking.

He says to me I have caused he ‘relapses’ and that I haven’t supported him.

He takes it in our family home literally anywhere, and is now taking it in the next room to me. This is so risky! Why would he do that knowing I could walk in? But then when I find the traces of Coke and confront him about where he’s taken it – he denies it for days on end.

Anyway- I’ve hit rock-bottom and now I need to him to leave – for my own mental health. I love him but I don’t like him anymore and I don’t like our life anymore.

Please help with some advice for me to move forward and I guess some reassurance that I’ve done all I can to help him ????????‍♀️

Thank you

[purpleheart]

DaveD thanks for the words I appreciate another view . I know deep down he’s likely to be lying as for someone who did it everyday for god knows how long to just cut it completely – I can’t buy into it .

I’m still watching him and I’ve ended up yet again saying I don’t trust him . He’s come home numerous nights again looking not just right still .. but drinking every night I honestly can’t tell the difference and have asked him to have a night of the drink to see my actual husband without a drop of booze . And then This is how I’m hanging on by a thread during an argument – telling him I want him to take a home drugs test to prove himself .. as I write this I know I sound neurotic . But he’s still deleting the “coke mates “ messages (he doesn’t know I know that ). And every night/morning we have this running nose from hay fever!!

I’m trying to care for my small kids , run a house and keep my job and just basically keeping the front up to the outside world .

I feel like if I take my eye off the ball and let this sink in – it’s going to engulf me and I have no one to talk to.

Bottom line – think I’m just waiting to find the next thing ..

CLB – it’s a hard place where we sit . Sounds so similar . It’s horrendous and I’m sorry your going through this too . Don’t doubt yourself – you have given as much as you can . The rest is up to him and that’s his choice if that’s with or without you as brutal as that sounds .

Wishing you lots of luck and strength x

[daved]

I do help people with no addiction to understand addicts better to decide on their own what to do. It’s an online, face-to-face meeting, and I do ask for a minimum fee. I don’t know if I’m allowed to post my site here, but if you’re interested READ MORE HERE a leave a message on my site. I wish you the best.

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