[wolly1944]

I’m not expecting anyone to be reading this or anything just will make me feel abit better having it wrote down I guess!

I have been with my partner for 4 years now and I think I have proper had a good month or two out of it so I suppose it could be worse. When we first got together I knew he had been on drugs before but he promised me he would never do them again, so I did get with him he was a really nice lad good lucking and it felt like he really liked me, I’m a big girl size 16/18 so tends to be abit harder to find someone and he’s really sl and good looking so didn’t believe he wanted to be with me tbh I really didn’t think he was going to stay with me that’s for sure he had just got out of jail and the second day he got out we got together and then he got put on curfew so it was hard for us he had to move in with me so things happend a little fast! I only had one child back then a nearly 3 year old he has 6/7 kids to someone else and I was 23 at the time he was 34, anyways things started good till he started taking drugs he started sniffing coke and then with that he started taking heroin I was going to work all day and my mum was watching my son he use to go out all day and only come back to mine on a night for his curfew I had people telling me he was using me for somewhere to deal his drugs from and take them! Anyway that carried on for months and months I was constantly upset I got preg to him and had a miscarriage through all the stress while I was in the hospital loosing our babie he accused me of lying and that I was with someone else he never came to the hospital with me! Turned out he was dealing drugs I ended up getting my house taken off of me through the police raids and them finding stuff and because he was that bad and needed drugs at this point he started going out robbing and got locked up for 6 month, oh and just before I lost my house I found out I was pregnant again so I went though most of the pregnancy on my own driving nearly 100 miles every week to see him struggling with money to pay the rent on an expensive house I got a job at a pizza place working everyday to send him money in and going to see him I couldn’t tell them I was pregnant or they wouldn’t let me work so I hid it from them till the week he got out of jail as I was 36 weeks pregnant and they stopped me working! When he got out of jail it was so good he was off everything and was the person I fell inlove with up until baby was a few weeks old I ended up having our little boy a week early and while I was in labour they found out I had preeclampsia and told me that me and my baby could die at any time! Was pretty scary, as I’ve stated I am pregnant again and this time it’s a girl I should be so excited as it’s my first girl after two boys but with the covid 19 and preeclampsia and also him taking heroin and crack cocain I’m scared! I’m constantly getting stressed at him because he’s always off him head and I’m looking after 2 kids and I’m 26 weeks pregnant he goes to work most of the time well if he dosnt get woke up during the night or dosnt have a drug binge the night before he’s missed a lot of work lately due to him taking drugs he’s also on methadone!! He buys up to 100quid a day on it all his wages go every week my mums been buying babie stuff as we can’t afford it with his habit! All I do is cry all the time and get so mad at him I don’t know what to do he never spends time with me of the kids I’m just constantly on my own I really feel like he dosnt love me and he tells me most of the time it’s my fault he takes the drugs so I tell him to go and leave but he never dose I don’t understand why he’s still here if I’m the reason he takes drugs! I Had to go shopping the other day with my mum to get some babie stuff as she was paying and he was going to come with me and then changed his mind and told me he will watch the kids for £20 so I could go to the shop if he ever dose anything with me or for me it costs me month we had a bbq yesterday and he put bouncy castle out for the kids that cost me money! I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong? I love him more then anything as sad as it sounds it be nice just to have a cuddle every now and then or him to tell me he loves me or help me with the kids! I’m so tiered all the time I’m not sleeping or anything most of the time I’m just crying about it all getting upset I’ve got no one to talk about it to he’s just getting worse I’ve asked his friend not to come round anymore because that’s where he’s getting it from and now he just takes my car and goes get it there’s nothing I can do he’s smashed tellys and lot when I’ve said no or threatens to smash windows out of my car he’s never nice to me anymore he smokes heroin and crack at the same time and lies to me the crack makes him go funny so he leaves doors open and things so my two year old can get out I can’t remember the last time I had a bath on my own or someone made me a drink! I’m so tiered of it! Why do people take drugs? I just want to know if it is all my fault I really don’t know anymore he only ever comes near me when he wants sex then it’s over and done with and he doesn’t bother with me after. Sorry for it all being mixed up and so long there’s a lot I’ve for got to put in aswell! Like the fact I look after all his kids when they come he nearly says a word to them! Thanks for reading

[r7byrne]

It’s totally not your fault! Your partner has the issue problem with drugs, I really do feel for you. Unless your partner wants to get off the drugs then you will carry on living this life unless he sees what he is doing. Sorry if that sounds really blunt, you are your children deserve a lot more than this.

Take care x

[wolly1944]

Yeah I know what your saying love I can’t make him stop taking them he’s got to be ready! He just sits all day in she’s taking it he doesn’t bother with me or the kids at all gets me down xxx

[wolly1944]

He’s started pintching money and everything now I really can’t cope I’ve got to hide my money from him he’s getting that bad I just want him to be back to normal again it’s eating my inside out x it’s nice having people I can talk to to get stuff off my chest my family would go mad if I told them and my friends xxxxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi

I’m so sorry that you are in such a horrible situation, especially being pregnant. It must be exhausting for you.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support to people who are having to live with a partner’s addiction. We know how difficult and lonely this can be, so we have people called Family Friends who are trained and experienced. If you get in touch we could put you in contact with one of them. Maybe talking with one of them would help.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[Author]

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