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Hello everyone,
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’ve decided to write this as much in full as I can about the experiences have experienced with living with a love one who’s addicted to alcohol. It’s quite long so bare with it.
My partner is a alcoholic or alcohol dependent as she rather call it.
We have been together for 8 years and it’s been a roller coaster of a relationship.
She has been a alcohol dependent over a decade, at first i suspected she had a problem when we first started dating.
Always smelling alcohol of her even though we weren’t drinking that day / night. Just small hunches.(At that time I had worked hospitality for 6 years, so am ok at telling if someone has had a drink or not)
So roughly 6 months later we decided to move into our own private rented house together as her work wasn’t giving her any shifts, and it would benefit us both paying bills together. Things felt right at the time. We moved to a town between my work place and hers.
For the next 5 years it became (to be honest a nightmare for the best part of it).
Don’t get me wrong my partner is a loving romantic person who is always looking out for others, constantly going out her way to be nice to others & etc.
As you know from above it work hospitality as out of front staff member so my shifts could be anything from starting at 8am to finishing 1am the next day or different shifts within that time line. My partner being in the hospitality trade herself I thought she would understand this. She did, but for the next 5years we argued so much about those shifts.
At the time I did not see the problem with long random shifts, we had to pay the bills somehow as she was on health benefits & job centre as she couldn’t find work, if she did it didn’t last long.
So I found out she had chronic fatigue syndrome after we moved into together, I have no issues with that, didn’t bother me in the slightest, basic terms it means she gets tired without warning, she could be walking normally down the street then he legs will give way or she’ll sleep all day due to CFS. (CFS was the least medical problem she had, later we would learn of more medical issues down the line).
So while living with her for a good few months now and my haunch back then got stronger. Smelling alcohol everywhere in the house, off her breath, seeing empty bottles of alcohol in the trash bin, alcohol bottles stuffed in random cupboards.
Her mood would change from happy to anger within a second. From around then I started watching what i said to her (I have never been a talkative person, shy around strangers, only good with small talk) as many as you are aware saying the wrong thing can cause them to drink more, argue, cause them to feel a wide range of emotions,if I raised my voice at any time she would go on the offensive. It wasn’t worth the hassle so I became withdrawn, focused on work the best I can, covering extra shifts at work (thinking back on this I was running away from the issue, not realising I actually made her worse).
She became lonely, spending all day by her self. Seeing her mother once a week, chatting to other family members, cousins / friends via Facebook & etc. We did have some good happy times together.
(It would be over a year together before she admitted to me she was a alcoholic. I do believe her mother suspected to but nothing was honestly said between us about it).
I started noticing her ex name keep popping up on her phone when she left it lying around the house. To cut this part of the story short, this caused so many issues, not because he was a ex, more to the fact he was also a alcoholic and a drug user, who didn’t think twice about battering her while they dated for a few months. Even more arguments when I came home one day and found him in our house drinking with her, the whole living room smelt like a brewery. So from what I honestly know he had been to our house a total of two times, but of course I was never 100% sure as she could had him over on a few occasions while I was at work doing my 12 hrs shifts. She insisted nothing happen between them they where talking because he was doing his 10steps and he wanted to apologise to her for what he put her though. I honestly didn’t believe this because they where drinking and she had lied about the whole thing in general. So I told her that if she wanted me in her life she had to give up talking to her ex and stop lying.
From what I knew back then she did talk to him few times after that then from what I can tell now she hasn’t been in contact with him since then.
The lying part has been a daily occurrence everyday from the beginning of the the relationship & still continues today about the drinking.
By the end of the second year together much hasn’t changed, we still argued about everything, everything said in previous arguments brought up over and over from us both. But at least by then she admitted being a alcoholic.
It’s our second new years day together and she’s in tears, she has something to tell me, doctors reckon she has 6months to live if she doesn’t change her ways.
She was still unhappy and we still continue to argue but she did decide to try and get a handle on her drinking, and she did for a good while, I admit I wasn’t much help to her, I still struggled to be honest and open with her, to talk to her about anything in general back then and still today as its like it’s been imprinted onto me that talking will cause arguments, why talk to someone who lies to you daily.
Roughly 2.5 years in to our relationship she’s been drinking, we’re in bed arguing, she’s in tears and comes out with she’s pregnant, she’s known for a while, (she had mentioned in the past she is unlikely to get pregnant), sad story short she miscarried few months in. This open her back to drinking , more reasons to argue. To be honest I didn’t know what to say, what to feel. It ended up not being spoken about.
This did happen again the following year. She waited till she was drunk and arguing before telling me she was pregnant and again sadly she miscarried. I don’t have to tell anyone how soul destroying that is to a suspecting mother, not once but twice. I’ll be honest I didn’t go though much emotion of losing the baby’s, all it did was cause her to drink and that caused us to argue. The whole feeling of losing unborn children blow over me. Don’t get me wrong, I did cry on a good few occasions while alone. I’ve always tried looking forward and never back. I couldn’t change anything so I won’t let it affect my day to day life. It’s at the back of my mind & still is today. The thought of them does pop up and it still brings a tears to my eyes.
Moving on
It’s passed the 6months and she is still alive, Good news at least…. kidneys & liver damage though.
By the end of the 4th year together we still argued and fought. I never raised a finger to her, she had slapped and throw things at me in anger a few times. Am starting to think am in a abusive relationship, spending more days unhappy then happy.
My reasons be hide being in abusive relationship where as fellows;
When I got a message on my phone she would say “is that you other gf txting you”.
My phone would vibrate when I got a call or a message which she hated and caused arguments, So it went on silent mode.
If I receive a call she would want to know what’s it’s about and who it was. I pretty much stopped answering calls when she was around.
I had no real friends, that wasn’t her fault as I prefer to be alone 9/10 times but when I got asked out for a drink with colleagues I would decline as it caused arguments that I was going out without her.
I was a gamer who wasn’t allowed to game as she didn’t want to stare the back of my head.
I could clean the house up and down and she would still complain I wasn’t doing it right.
Just in general nasty comments.
I just had no real control of anything in my life at that time.
We decided to get a puppy, she wouldn’t be so lonely while am at work, in her own words, “he has saved her life on many occasions”.
Getting her a puppy did help on so many levels, as I told her on a few occasions after kicking me out our home that if she got too drunk and didn’t look after him he will starve and die. This help her realise she had someone else part from herself to look after. They become bonded and still are, she loves him more then anyone. In return a few months later I came home and found she had gotten me a kitten 🙂
By the 5th year together we were both still unhappy & arguing. Her grandfather passed away and left her some money so we decided to pack up, move to a small town closer to both of our parents, start over as they say. So we got a mortgage on a house. (She has reminded me on many occasions it’s because of her that we got the mortgage and not the fact it was based on my credit score due to her destroying her credit score a time before we met). In any argument the house is hers and shall call the police and have me removed.
Happiness didn’t last long, apparently I still worked to many hours, going from 60hrs to roughly 36 wasn’t good enough, she wanted me home at nights so we could have meals together. So arguing continued about the same things really, if it wasn’t one thing it was another thing to argue about. I changed my job from working on the bar/restaurant to working as a chef in the kitchen. Am starting to hate alcohol to point I can’t watch others drink it.
After doctor visits, they recommend that she serious think about detoxing, so she got herself a social worker to help her and to talk too about everything. So once a week she would come and speak to my partner, building a trust before doing the challenge of detoxing, she manage the detox, but at the end of the week, the social worker told her she was pregnant and was no longer able to help her manage the after detox steps on staying sober. She said they will be a new person helping her, this never happen and my partner struggled and ended up drinking again.
6th year together,
she wants to get engaged, so we did. Even though she has complained about how I popped the question. (I was pretty much forced into it without having much time to get a ring or sort anything romantic as she wanted me to ask on the 8.8.18, eight is her favourite number. She ask me a week before this date to propose to her. Anyways we are engaged now, but now she goes on about being married. We have no money, she is on health benefits as doctors won’t allow her to work , and I’ve reduced my work hours, we both smoke, all manner of house bills, have two pets, more arguments, sleeping in spare room happens on occasions.
I must admit things are better then what we where when we first moved in together.
7th year together.
She tells me she’s pregnant again, twins, few months pass and we both know from doctors telling us her chances are slim.
She still drinks & the doctors not happy with her health, and the babies.
She’s been unwell for a few days, constantly sleeping. With a knock on the door, the local GP head nurse at the door, worrying about my partner, last blood results had came in, kidneys working less then 10%. Rush to hospital. She spent a month & half in hospital.
Her kidneys had failed, her liver damaged, and a host of other medical issues, including losing the twins. Pretty much came down to it was her dying and them, or them. so each day now she has to take a fistful off tablets to help her stay alive.
A few months pass and I notice her eyes turning yellow, another 2 months in hospital. She went from 10.5 stone to 6.5 stone on weight.
She has no body fat or muscle, takes more pills for the pain. As she describes it, her muscles that are now growing back are stretching her skin, whole body constantly in pain. May take years for her body to put on the weight it lost. Struggling with every day tasks. Can still smell alcohol on her breath, still see cups on alcohol hiding in random places.
So through all the Covid pandemic she has thrown me out her house 3 times. Longest I left for was nearly a month, but I continued to walk her dog and make sure she’s ok.
We are currently back together, we still argue. She still drinks.
Recently we found out she might have bone cancer. She just can’t get a break. Just waiting on scans and results.
I’ve you have taking the time to read all this, then thank you, after 8 years and no one to actually speak to about this. It’s good to get it all out.
From what she has told me about drinking and why she hides the bottles around the house, why after me telling her a million times it’s ok to drink in front of me, then to stress and hide it every day is;
It’s her alcohol, she feels the need hide it so no one takes it away or drinks it. She’s embarrassed, she’s hiding her embarrassment from her love ones. She doesn’t want to drink, she needs to drink to function.
If anyone needs to talk, I’ll check this post while I walk the dog throughout the day. From what I’ve read through the other post I don’t know how much help I can be. But I do hope this post helps another.
Thank you for your time.
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My husband has been drinking heavily, I suspect for many years but I know for about 5 or 6. I’ve reached the point I don’t want to be with him anymore with the lies and verbal abuse. I told him yesterday and he got so drunk he fell down the stairs through a glass door. Didn’t injure himself but I’m just so upset. He got up this morning to clear up, but now is back in bed sleeping it off. I’d had his dog locked in with me all night because of glass and food everywhere, but she’s back with him now. Looking for rentals but I’ve been here before and lost my resolve and stayed. I’ve sent a few emails which is further than I’ve gone before, so hoping I can do this. Last night scared me. He’s never hurt me physically but he’s much stronger than I am and the sounds of crashing and smashing last night terrified me and the dog. This is not a life for either of us, but he’s in total denial and I can’t deal with him behaving like this but refusing to accept he needs help. I just want to tell someone so it helps my resolve.
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Robb,
Concerning what one said to you, this can’t be a life anyone would want. I don’t see how this could be healthy for you or your loved one. That’s ‘easy’ for me to say given my circumstances. I was shocked on reading your 8 year marathon. The ‘price’ – unfathomable to me and all the more difficult seeing this is your sweat heart.
In some stances, the evolving normalities of living with my alcoholic sister have become a trap of sorts. I look back and see I slipped into habbits (dealing with her) and unfavourably so for her AND me, good as my intentions were, worried etc I was. It will be a lifetime comittment striving to deal with this more ‘effectively’. I appreciate keeping silent. I think I last expressed my feelings etc to my sister a month ago. It’s all been said each way. We’ve heard it all.
No one ‘makes’ anyone do or feel anything. I feel pissed off with my sister at times. Resentful, infuriated too. She doesn’t ‘make’ me feel or respond this way, nor do I ‘make’ her drink. She didn’t choose alcoholism. I didn’t choose to live with it. She chose to stop her meds. I chose counselling, whatever I could do for myself.
I too have paid a price. I have Epstein Barr and Osteoarthritis. This flared up late last year. It was improving then nose dived during my sister’s worse Bipolar1 fuelled alcohol relapse. Now, I’m house-bound. Worst ever. Coincidence? Surely not. Did she ‘make’ me sick? No. I don’t blame her, as resentful as I feel fom time to time. I’m working through the list to improve my health. That’s my ‘job’. Feels futile but I must persevere.
Hope my response doesn’t read as ‘victim’. My entention is to highlight how my health was/is affected living with my alcoholic sister, how I’ll need to get a grip on my anxiety. Over the years, I’ve been thinking how this, my perceprions and dealings has affected my relationship with myself. That’s something I can resolve. After 7 years – fractured with my sister…..
I’ve had ‘666’ times (unrelated to my sister’s alcoholism). We all have. What became apparent to me was that I could physically and psychologically separate myself from these assorted situations. My health wose weren’t inflamed with the unrelated ‘666’ and like many, I’ve quite a list. Bottom line: I put myself second and not surprisingly, my self designated back-seating became a hindrance to me. I suffered.
I was the classic enabler. I meant well, would do anything to help, near did. In the end, I realised my efforts didn’t help nor would they (maybe for moments but that was the extent). Have long been a carer and protector. For others. Me – not so much ,or DID. It took a few years. Now, I’m trying to keep myself front row centre, the stuff I’d previously ‘done’ for a loved one.
This is a life I choose. I always had that option. I just didn’t know I was quite worth it. My efforts didn’t help others and in the process, neglected my needs. I’ve decided to clean up my own. From time to time, I say to myself, “Would I expect XYZ of another? Would I plead, nudge, guilt another to do so? Hell no!” Seems to do something for me. You’re still not alone Robb. Psychs can help. Whatever helps. Whatever works for YOU.
StraightUp.
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