[dfh]

Ok here goes. My partner is addicted to crack cocaine. It’s bad, really bad. I have tried absolutely everything to try and help him stop. We have been together 18 years.

I moved to try and distance him from using. Yet he still manages to find people where ever he goes. It’s madness.

On and off he has been addicted to other drugs and manages to get clean albeit limited periods of time. But it seems he just can’t quit crack. I’m at the end of my tether, I literally don’t know what else to do. I have 1 friend who can turn to but that’s it.

I back him and support him 100%, steer him away from triggers etc but I’m not getting anywhere. What else is there helpwise? I’ve tried banning it, accepting it, limiting it everything.

[debbie]

i feel for you he is lucky to have you my son had been clean for 7 years the age off his daughter now back using said it my fault as he said i love his brother and sister more and spend moor time with them i love him but dont know what to do

[dfh]

Hi Debbie, thanks for your reply. Just want to point out one thing, it is not your fault. I got used to being the one to blame for him using very early on. I realised I wasn’t and in fact only he is responsible for what he does. If I had that kind of power I’d be akin to God! Addicts get very good at blame and manipulation I’ve found. My partner will start a fight or argument over nothing just to justify his using. It’s stupid. I’ve grown wise to a lot of ways they go about transferring blame. They never take responsibility. I can relate, I used to justify recreational use as my way of coping. It wasn’t, because it didn’t help. It made me on the same level as him. And it took me away from my kids and my life. They need me more than I needed to use to cope. So I found other ways to cope, like being in control of my own life to benefit my kids. Luckily I’m not an addictive person as it was very short lived but it did give me insight into the choices made and how they logically apply it daily. I hope this makes sense. I used to think he had an easy life, easy way out. Wrong. He is simply rose tinting life but it’s all fake, pretend. He will realise how much he missed in that haze he called life.

I have tried and tried and never given up but he just continues his path of destruction. I don’t know how else or what else to try.

Keep your chin up and remember you can’t control his behaviour and your certainly not to blame. X

O

[dfh]

Well over the last couple of weeks it’s been really bad, and this weekend even worse. I don’t actually know what else to do.

It feels like it’s more important to him than me and the kids. I’ve got to carry on providing for family and paying bills on mat pay and not relying on him for any emotional or financial help. I feel drained of everything and don’t actually know what else to do.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Dfh,

So sorry to read your post and see how hard things are for you . I’m glad that you have a good friend that you can turn to and the people on this site are really supportive because it does help to talk.

You must have to stay so strong to be able to provide for your family as well as support your partner but, as you say, that is very draining. So I was wondering if you would like some help for yourself. If so please contact us at The Icarus trust.

We are a charity that provides support for people going through what you are, having to deal with a family member’s addiction. We have a team of people who are trained and experienced and you be assigned to one of them if you make contact. Talking with them might help you see a way forward.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[louise1974]

Crack is a horrible drug, so very addictive I feel for you. Stay strong and believe you deserve a good life with or without your partner your the only one who can decide that, it doesn’t matter how much people tell you to get out you have to come to that decision yourself- your heart has to be in it because it gets v hard indeed. Good luck lou

[louise1974]

Ps it’s harsh to say but he is putting crack before you and the kids, but that’s addiction- it’s insidious it gets in to and takes over everything to a point that nothing else matters. Try not to take his choices personally he’s not in control anymore and needs help, I know how you feel it’s like being cheated on, but I’ve learnt that an addicts brain works differently to ours, especially stuff like coke and crack really messes up your thinking more so than heroin I think that’s more of a physical addiction, psychological addictions are as bad just in a different way. Your priorities are yourself and your kids chic, if they weren’t with you how would you feel? I know I’d be devastated to lose my son but social services are a bitch once they get involved and it only takes one person to say something out of line – I know and it’s not worth it believe me- lou x

[lemonysnicket]

Hi Dfh

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

My husband is a recovering cocaine addict.

Much of his using happened behind my back but once I knew about it it was hard to not try to control things. I tied myself up in knots for years, worrying about him, supporting him, going through his pockets, wondering where he was when he was out of my sight, worrying about money, scrimping and trying to live frugally so he could pay off his debts etc etc.

Eventually one relapse down the line and plenty of threats later, he started meetings, gave up drink and was apparently clean for a year and a half. Then I find out about huge debts, and I’ve recently started divorce proceedings because much as I love him, I can’t carry on in the slipstream of the aftermath of his using nor can I live like I’ve lived for the past half dozen years, like you are living now. It is no life. I’ve tried and I’m exhausted by it.

What I would say to you is step back, leave him to it, and if that means leaving him, do it. Only then might he sort himself out, but if he doesn’t at least you and your children don’t crash and burn with him.

[dfh]

Hi Lemony

Thanks for your reply and advice. Funnily enough I have started to back off and leave him to it over the last week or so. I found needles so I suspect he’s injecting. I have pretty much run out of steam now. While I’ve backed off I still get annoyed when he spends all his money on it and then borrows off me when he runs out and I don’t earn anywhere near as much as him. I’m now learning to just refrain from nagging about it and giving in. It’s not my scene so I’m going to leave him to it. I will be there to support him when he’s ready. It’s just too draining to ride the coaster with him now. X

[lemonysnicket]

I know the feeling. If I were you, I wouldn’t lend him money and try to separate your finances totally if you can. Mine were enmeshed with my husband’s. I’m divorcing him now. I can’t wait to be financially separate and independent. Easier said than done depending on your circumstances, I know… Good luck xx

[dfh]

Luckily I’m financially dependant. He always pays back any money he borrows and to be honest it’s more hassle to not lend him. I’m finding this new approach much less stressful and now I can see he’s having to make changes because I’m not his safety net from outsiders seeing what is going on. I used to cover his ass constantly but now I’ve taken a backseat he is having to change. In my mind I’ve always helped because that showed I cared if that makes sense. Now I see it differently, I still care but I need to stop letting it take over my life and I need to look after myself. I will remain his support when he needs and the non addict which helps him stay clean but I can’t do anymore. I can’t tell him what to do. I can only encourage the right steps and ignore the chaos. Xx

[lemonysnicket]

That sounds about right Dfh. I hope he can make the right choices and take the right steps and you can remain as distant from the chaos as possible. I think talking helps – and here is the best place if you can’t find an outlet in real life as it were. xx

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