[21female]

since I was 13 years old I’ve always told myself I would never get addicted to any drug I would use off and on till I was 20 yrs old but never needed it everyday. My bf is in prison and got into some trouble so wasn’t able to make phone calls for 6 months. My depression lead to my everyday smoking. I only weighed 85 pounds I lost friends had no where to sleep at night some days. I would cry beg for help but only when I was alone. I would deny my drug use even though it was very obvious. I couldn’t stop. I went from smoking with friends to smoking alone paranoid even more depressed I couldn’t even go through out my day without it. I cried everyday asking myself why couldn’t I stop and for God to help me but nothing ever changed I kept useing everyday for 6 months straight. One day I called my connect and asked him to get some and he told me no that I need to stop I cried and begged him even drove 15 min to his house because I needed it so bad. He stopped answering my phone calls I was so sad and angry I started kicking my car driving around thinking I’m giving up on life and this is the last straw I couldn’t take it anymore I had nobody to understand what I was going through with my addiction. So I started crying out loud begging God to help me since he was the only one to hear me out and I swear right after I told myself I’m done im so done never again one hour later my boyfriend called me after 6 months of not talking to him. I slept for 4 days had zero energy but I also had zero cravings it was the happiest time of my life I swear I thought I would never quit and never was able to wake up without it but at that point I knew I was going to stay clean I quit straight like that. Than one month later I used than didn’t use for a few weeks than kept using off and on every few weeks every time I drink. Im so disappointed in myself every time I use I can’t believe I went from almost giving up on life hitting my straight breaking point to now sometimes picking up my old ways. I don’t know what to do anymore I never thought I would ever use again but I keep relapsing. My dad passed away to a drug overdose in 2005 and my moms struggled with addiction years ago as well. I don’t want that for my life. I’m going to hopefully start counciling and help me with my problems deep within. I promise I never wish anyone to go through addiction it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience in my whole life. It’s such a sad lonely miserable feeling. A addict sometimes really wants help but just doesn’t know how to quit they can tell themselves everyday they want to quit and nobody will believe them cause they continue to use but if someone constantly says they want that change it just takes time be with them every step of the way… Addiction very very hard to deal with alone.

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