[missmorganalove@hotmail.com]

my mum is on drugs. I can’t say this to anyone.. I am 30 now and my whole childhood she was an addict and a terrible mother. For the last 10 years I thought she was clean. 4 months ago I went to visit and heard a weird noise in the night, walked in her room to find her smoking a silver foil thing. She is old with a full time job she is so close to loosing, 2 detoxes in 4 months she’s on a meth script now but again I just caught her smoking H, What do I do? I’m staying with her to try and help and I’m completely loosing my mind. I want to run away, the moments I catch her I’m so cruel to her, I’m crying begging her to please talk to me and she just sits there silent, I’m acting like a kid, shouting at her asking her why she doesn’t care and she’s still silent. It’s like she is dead inside, but she always has been.
I went away the first two detoxes but I’m scared I’m making it worse being here for this one and I’m going insane. I need this to be over I get she’s sick and this is an illness but how can it make someone so selfish and stupid. She’s sold everything burnt cigarette holes in the new couches I bought her she’s a complete mess, smoking £60 a day in debt with rent bills about to loose her job and house.. what is she going to do.. Why is it worth this? Why would anyone choose this? Why is there no good help? How is giving a H addict meth and no other kind of support going to help? Why are there so many of us suffering with parents like this? If these addictions are sicknesses why are they unspoken hidden family secrets, why do we have to go through this alone, ashamed to tell anyone or ask for help? Do people not understand the kids selling drugs to these people are also victims, kids of parents on drugs/drink without food or clothes, left to fend for themselves with no other way to survive, I’ve heard many arguments about this but trust me from experience, you can’t get a job when you are under 16 or any kind of housing so in order not to get put in care you run away to the streets and make money any how, how am I going to school with no clean uniform, hungry and dirty as you have no water or electricity. Some people are lucky and get out and get a real job but most end up addicts and or in jail.. And addicts get no help, the people running government funded addiction facilities are ex drug addicts with no qualifications and seem to have no idea what they are doing. The area I live in has one place you can actually get a meth script in (not including private rehab which I can’t afford) and we have a huge drug and alcohol addiction problem in this area, it took months with no clear date to get the actual meth script and now she picks up the script daily and leaves with no other support at all. NA meetings are just awful she’s been to a few but I’ve also been and it’s just awful, i get it works for some people but it should not be the only option. A referral for counciling also takes 4 months and she has a phone appointment next week. the kind of rehab that you stay in for a month is no longer government funded. Prices are from 6k up.. I’m at a loss they do have to help themselves and when I’m angry she’s just a selfish junkie but as I think clearly she has had a bad life her self and has been struggling with this addition since she was 16. I fear she will never truly recover and it’s disappointing that the help she can receive is so limited, she is trying and does want to get better but she’s really sick in her mind. She was very beautiful once and now looks worn and hagged her sadness is showing through but I see how sly and well she covers it up when it comes to seeing family and friends. It’s sad and although im hurting I need to get a grip and be strong to help her. I hope for the best and for all others struggling with mine and her problems. You also have to wonder where do these drugs come from, how are they so easily everywhere in out tiny country, why do they sell so much alcohol in every shop, super cheap vodka and adverts glamourising it, why is there no real help for the addicts or funding to try and get them better as most of them claim benefits you would think it would make financial sense in a country to help them and get them educated and or back to work, the same with the little street corner dealers, why give them a few years in prison (another cost) where they become even worse and more likely to offend, why would they not try and help educate and get them into work? It seems it’s designed to keep us this way and endless cycle as addicts children are most likely to become addicts and or offenders. I made it out and have a good job and a good life but we are the unlikely few that do.. I doubt anyone can read through all my rambling but I really think something needs to be done for these people and us too the family and children of addicts as we are the only ones that care. I was horrible to her tonight but I think I had a breakdown there is only so long you can keep it all in and stay calm, I hope I didn’t make things worse.. As I walk past her room I just heard the lighter click 🙁 I guess my breakdown had no effect or I made it worse. I hope someone can talk to me it would be nice to be able to talk to anyone about it especially someone who understands

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