[pernickety1]

So my mum has drunk approximately 2 bottles of wine a day for as long as I can remember. I know it’s not healthy but I’ve started drinking about 1/2 a bottle of vodka/rum/gin a day for the last 6-9 months as it makes my own emotions and trauma easier to deal with and given I have ASD, I feel sucked into this pattern now that I’m really struggling to break. Even though my family have noticed I’m drinking I suspect they don’t want to bring it up because my dad can’t deal with two family members struggling with alcohol and my mum can’t question me because it leaves her open to questioning about her own maladaptive behaviours. In the past she’s become aggressive or very distressed whilst in a blacked out state when we try to take away her wine. She has no memory the next day of shouting or throwing things at me, so I feel bad blaming her/being angry for that, as she’s so lovely and caring when sober. I’d appreciate any support or advice from people who understand the situation i’m in. I’m in the contemplative/ready to make actions stage whereas my mother has been stuck in the pre-contemplative stage/unwilling to acknowledge an issue for over a decade which hurts to see.

[notmyrealname]

Well done for feeling ready to take action, you have taken a positive step identifying it, hope you can follow that through. sending hope to you.

[margot]

Can’t recommend enough NA which is for any drug (alcohol is a drug). There you will find people that are or have been in the same situation as yourself. You will be made welcome and they say the newcomer is the most important person in the room. My husband is an addict has been clean for 3 years by attending NA and working their 12 step programme. Good luck ????

[notmyrealname]

Hi Margot great to hear about your husband doing so well, how does he fill the time in between,? What kind of hobbies does he have?

[margot]

Not sure about why your asking about hobbies, but he works full time. Builds scooters. Family days out. Works his programme and attends meetings and gives service within NA. We go out dancing (soul music). Go out to eat. Go on holiday. Pretty usual family stuff. But if anyone hasn’t family or needs new friends NA offers that too. The friendship there is amazing and they go camping and nights out for a curry or whatever. Meet for coffee.

[notmyrealname]

Because that’s where mine struggles, he can go so long with not doing it but then ‘he gets bored’. He also works full time long hours but amazingly seems to have quite a bit of spare time to fill and that’s where he gives in.

[notmyrealname]

I guess your in a much better place, he doesn’t show any interest in family things and the only socialising is with all people who like to spend their time doing it with him or at least tolerating him doing it.

He has been on online groups and the people seemed great but other people who take cocaine always seem to win for his attention.

[margot]

NA requires a twelve step programme and its not enough stopping drugs it’s staying stopped. Its recommended you have a sponsor who guides you through the steps. You are recommended to get service within NA. All these things help. They have a thing they say ‘keep coming back’. It hasn’t been easy. He didn’t really work a true programme at first and thought he could drink. But of course that led back to drugs. I also don’t drink now in support. Not saying everyone should do that. He now has good friends who encourage him to stay clean. If people encourage you to use they are not true friends and need avoiding. Good luck. Its a bumpy road that’s for sure.

[margot]

There’s always that ‘friend’ who says you work hard you’re allowed to have fun. A friend of my husband who can use only recreational times said to my husband he didn’t think NA was for my husband. I’ve had other so called friends in the past supply him with drugs.

[notmyrealname]

Literally all his friends can get him drugs, they don’t really do much else together and it always leads to drugs in the end. Did your partner get new friends or did he already have some who didn’t do it? This is one major struggle for us. Also as you say he has friends who do it and it causes no major interruptions to their lives like it has for our life. Absolutely that kind of thing oh let your hair down once in a while but maybe so people do live like that but he’s an addict, he isn’t someone who can occasionally use anything, whether it’s alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, mdma he just gets hooked, he does need to build a new life but it’s just not happening it’s such a big step.

[margot]

He had to leave some friends behind or at least stay intouch with the ones who support his recovery. He has new friends also in NA. All have been where he has been and understand the struggles. It does need massive change. But then what’s the alternative. At first they think they can control their drug use and are in denial about being an addict. NA is a programme to be worked. If worked it works. They can’t at first imagine a life without drug use. But it just needs to be one day at a time. Recovery is possible. Sending you hugs.

[notmyrealname]

Thanks Margot, yes when he’s thinking straight he realises that about the friends and avoids contact with them -but they are persistent, it sounds funny to say but it’s like a commission rate, if they get him back on to taking it the dealer cuts them a good deal, so they will try anything to lure him in to taking it again, and he calls them friends it’s so sad. .when he’s sober he even recognises this himself but once he’s on it again you can’t get any sense out of him, I sometimes wish we could just move away but it’s him that’s got to be stronger as the temptation could be anywhere. I think it wouldn’t hurt if the temptation was from people I hadn’t got to know and at one point liked, when I didn’t realise what was going on. Thanks for replying, it’s great to hear the difference it has obviously made to both of your lives. It just shows that even though it’s an incurable illness if you work hard to treat it you can live a better life but you can’t be naive about the constant threat from the addiction.

[sahara]

Do it! You’ll thank yourself later! I promise you! Wishing u the best!

[Author]

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