[elle]

I don’t know what I’m looking for on here but i know I’m looking for something and think this is as good a place to start as any.

My mum has been addicted to heroin for a long time ,as long as i can remember.
Needless to say that had a huge impact on me as a child and a different impact on my adult life i guess.

It wasn’t all bad.
There were highs and lows(thats not a joke….really there was) periods of good times and then periods of darkness where the only emotion i can recall is desperation showered with hope that one day id be taken out of the situation,by the police a teacher or social services.
Nobody ever granted that wish.
For a while i was bitter that the system failed me.

As an adult though i considered myself a surviver,there was a bit of a light bulb moment,fight or flight, i know its a cliché but i felt i had a choice.
As a child you don’t .
If your parent is an addict then its part of your day to day life but as an adult it is completely your choice!
You choose who and what you want to play a part in your life.
The reality of that i found liberating.

Obviously there are the age old questions that run through my mind on a loop.
Why weren’t we enough?Did she not love us?Why did she choose it over us in every possible way?
I think I’m on my way to understanding addiction in more depth now and I’m not so bitter about it any more.

My mum is very unwell now,i know its a result of what she has put her body through.
I alternate between loving her and hating her all day most days, but the fact still remains she is my mum and I’m devastated.
She needs a lot of support and care these days due to illness.
She is clean for the first time ever that i know of and its very early days.
I know it sounds terrible but i can’t be around her permanently to give the care needed.
It brings up to much for me and i feel out of control.
I have my own family now and I’ve always sheltered them from her,not that she would cause them direct harm but addictions to narcottics are toxic and its not a risk I’m willing to take.

Im currently trying to support her with her recovery whilst juggling family life.
I can’t help feeling torn between the two things as well as felling terribly guilty for the time that i wasn’t involved in her life.

If anybody has any advise or comments i would love to hear them.

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