[embabe1504]

My mum is an alcoholic

I’m 32 years old and just had a newborn a week ago, and I also have a daughter aged 3 years. My mum is an alcoholic and she hasn’t been the best mum in the past at all. She lost her license for drink driving 13 years ago when married to my dad and then they divorced. She lives in a flat but is now in alot of debt due to drinking everyday. She does work full time. I have tried everything to help with her debt and have even offered to help her with her alcohol problem. Shes in complete denial. I’m fed up with the phone calls I use to receive with her being drunk or me having to pick her up from a park bench. Shes very depressed and take anti depressants – but wont accept she needs help. My mum has been a great nanny to my daughter and visited us at the hospital sober last week. However, since then at my daughters school fair and a few weeks ago when we met up, I noticed she was drinking out of a lucozade bottle which I believe was alcohol as it smelt of alcohol and she acting strange. Being drunk at my daughters school fair, was the final straw and i have blocked her temporarily. I rang her the next day to say it’s not acceptable when seeing my kids to be drunk especially when she disguises it and pretends everything is fine. She admitted she had a drink that day but denies she has a problem. She says she drinks before seeing me as I stress her out. I’m the only one trying to help her as I dont want to see her homeless but she seems to not want my help or admits her problem. What shall I do? Do I just give up on her? I feel bad because shes my mum but at the same time I have my two kids to prioritise. Please can I have advice as my anxiety is so high mainly from my mum as well as adjusting to having a newborn again.

[embabe1504]

No one has replied to my post and I’m really desperate now for advice!!

I decided to block my mum today and she has already left me teo voicemails saying she wants to kill herself and she has no one to talk to when drunk…..I never phoned her back eventhough she begged me too because I dont want to talk to her anymore and I think shes so selfish as my daughter started school this week and she already wants me focusing on her again. Do you think I have the right to ignore her? Please let me know what you would do in my situation xx

[butterfly123]

Hi

We have very similar situations. My mum is also an alcoholic although thankfully she is getting help. However I’ve always been wary to bring any resentments etc up with her in case she does anything like suicide as she is also depressed.

From an outside point of view I think you are doing the right thing. You have children who are your priority (congrats on the newborn!) and it is your mums responsibility to help herself, not yours. She is the parent and needs to come to the realisation that it truly isn’t acceptable to go on as she has been. If anything were to happen, it would be on her, not you.

Also, I’m being a hypocrite here as I’ve totally had the same worries as you and its a lot easier saying to someone else what you think they should do, it’s a lot harder taking the advice when it’s your own situation!!

Maybe your mum needs this to kick-start her into getting help? Maybe say to her until she gets proper help then there won’t be anymore contact? I’m not an expert so these are just suggestions ????

In the meantime, try to put her out of your head and enjoy the time with your beautiful wee kiddos. Cuddles with them heal almost anything. At the end of the day, your children are your life moving forward and I’m sure they already bring you so much joy.

[kayleigh]

Hi,

I totally feel your pain… and I totally agree with Butterfly123 response although we can all agree it’s very hard. I’m still learning in my 33 years how to step back when I can. You feel heartless at first but it’s not. One thing I would suggest which is difficult.. when your mother calls next time saying that she is suicidal- call the ambulance about your concerns. It doesn’t matter if she’s intoxicated. They will attend her property and assess her and take her to A & E so that she can meet with the mental health team. The mental health team will keep her until she’s sober so that they can assess her (and will likely send her home with outreach support if she accepts). But this can sometimes help them understand the consequences of their actions and words and how serious the matter is, as well as be accountable. If you do this I would also suggest not going to the hospital as sometimes when we try and help we’re not actually helping but enabling and they expect us to save them.

I’ve had to do this last night and I’ve noticed that it makes her more accountable for her actions as she was forced to address her threats of suicide when she was sober. It’s not easy but this helps me step back sometimes and gives me hope that the professionals will hopefully get through to her.

Someone said to me yesterday… it’s not fair- she’s lived her life and now she’s effecting yours. It’s very true. I’m starting to feel as though life is passing me by and I need to be selfish to an extent in order to live and not be effected. For you it’s important that your not robbed of enjoying motherhood and your life because of your mother’s addiction. I hope things get better for you x

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