[drained-and-tired]

Hi all,

Just looking for some support really, my partner of 7 years is addicted to cocaine and makes everyday a living hell for me. I’m constantly on edge, my anxiety is through the roof yet he carries on.

He spends days/nights away from home and doesn’t answer calls or texts. He comes home and puts on some apology and that he will change, but never does he just ends up laying in bed all day. He hasn’t been to work for weeks and if I try help him or tell him to get up he just throws abuse in my face. He came clean for 3 months last year because I kicked him out. But then when he came back he just has got worse. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Feel its an endless battle.

[ash2013]

Hi D&T,

Bless you, I can sympathise with you, look back through my posts.

What is your life situation like, do you have a mortgage/kids etc?

It is a really awful rollercoaster than feels never ending. I have PTSD from anxiety from the years of being on edge.

You aren’t alone, there are many people here that are going through the same as you. And when I say the same, the experiences are pretty similar, its like a coke addict has read a manual on how to act, and they do it, to the book.

Don’t take this the wrong way – But there is nothing you will be able to say or do to stop him. Its a sly drug that makes people think its ok to use recreationally, then weekly, then twice a week, and before you know it you need it to feel normal, not good! I hate it with a passion, I would love to educate young people on what this does to you I would make it my life goal. Coke is glamourised on tv, and it really shouldn’t be. It should, in my opinion, be in the same group as Heroin. But its not seen that way is it.

Sending love x

[drained-and-tired]

Hiya ash2013

Thankyou so much for your reply it really made me stop and think for a moment. For the past 5 years its been nothing but hell. We have a son together and like yourself that is the only reason that I have stuck around for so long. I’m more heartbroken at how it affects our son, he is at an age (5) where he asks questions, wondering where daddy is, when he is on binge and doesn’t come home for days on end. I worry 24/7 live life on eggshells about if he is alive or whether he is cheating or beaten up. The list is endless, even after the nasty comments he comes out with towards me, yet I’ll still offer him coffee or make him dinner. I run around like a headless chicken after him, and it honestly drains me……..when he was clean last year for 3 months he was bliss, but secretly I think he only really did it because he knew I had kicked him out and he thought he had lost me. It saddens me because deep down he can be a loving caring man. I spend most days on my own after finishing work, watch TV on my own, eat on my own…..and then when he’s on a come down he is as moody as hell and just wants food and sex.

[ash2013]

Hi lovely,

I am sat here feeling so sad for you, you are living my life before my husband stopped.

I too used to do all you say, hold the house together, its basically like being a single parent, but without the ability to live your own life. My days comprised of taking our daughter to school, working, doing dinner, bathtime, bedtime, then sitting on my own with my heart racing, worrying about whether he was coming home, wishing so hard that he would come home, but then if he did and he was high it would be a nightmare as I couldnt hide my sadness. Not being able to rely on him for ANYthing, never asking him to collect his child because he might have been high, never being able to make plans to go out for dinner with my friends because I didnt want to leave her with him in case he used.

Hiding it from people and making excuses for him constantly, its draining.

I dont really have any answers, my husband is now in his late 40’s, and he developed a hole in his septum, I think that partly helped him stop, because if his nose had ended up like Daniella Westbrook’s he wouldnt have been able to hide it from his family.

He didnt ever get into debt with it because he can earn decent money, and had people around him holding his business together when he was absent.

I used to worry that he was dead on nights out, he would go awol, he’d tell me ‘i’m coming home now, i’m ringing a taxi… then 4 hours later i’d wake up at 3am and he wasnt home, then I wouldnt sleep, but I still had to try and function the next day.

My husband also cheated on me, but then became paranoid that I had, such a mess was his head. It was such an awful time.

I just wish I had the answer for you, If I had my time again i’d probably still do what I did, even though it nearly killed me.

I hated Christmas because it would be another excuse to go out. And of course I never got decent presents, just some money thrown at me because heaven forbid any thought could go into choosing a gift that meant anything.

Please know you are not alone, and we are here for you xxx

[drained-and-tired]

Hi ash2013

Its definitely a living nightmare, day in day out.. I know what you mean with not enjoying any occasion because they just ruin it from the start, your on edge all day and the build up to the day.

They find it hard to just sit down and relax and watch a film or TV with there family, he spends most nights away from home, he doesn’t answer hes messages or calls, I sent endless messages and he may reply to one saying he will be home soon. But always ends up being 4/5am in the morning. I don’t think I’ve slept properly for months, this time of year is supposed to be a happy time, with getting presents sorted and visiting santa and buying the Xmas tree, but instead I end up doing most of it all on my own because he hasn’t come home, or is stuck in bed for days on end. I dread going to anyones house for drinks or anything that involves socialising with him, because he instantly ruins it by getting cocaine. And when he is high its such a waste because you cant talk to him because he is on another planet. I’m glad I found this site though it seems to help me vent my anger and stress from it all. X

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Really sorry to read your post.

If you think it would help please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for people in your situation as we know that having to deal with an addict in the family is really tough.

We have trained and experienced people that you could talk with if you get in touch. They would be able to tell you what other help is available.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[skat]

Hi D&T,

I just wanted to reach out to say that I hear you and really sympathise with what you’re going through.

My partner of 8 years has recently confessed his addiction to cocaine, and your comments about always being alone really resonates with me. I’ve added my story to the chat separately. I’ve often been at home alone over the weekend or dragged to some awful party with everyone doing cocaine but me.

I don’t have any children but I hope you stay strong for your little one.

Sending good vibes your way…

[drained-and-tired]

Hi skat,

Thanks for reading my post, it is so difficult living with an addict, and I seem to have found myself doing it more often than I should have accepted.

My partner is on a massive binge at the moment and he can’t seem to get himself out of it, he hasn’t been going to work so is at risk of losing hes job. He owes drug dealers money where he is constantly ticking…I send nearly every night on my own and he will come in at say 5am and then sleep for hours and hours. There used to be a time where I would constantly go on at him to sort himself out and to go in to work and worry, but now I have stopped because if he really wanted to do it he would do it. Dont get me wrong I worry every day/night about what could happen, can I afford my life, my house, my bills….but I have never relyed on hes money so I know I can cope without him. He is at the stage now where he just sits on hes own and if I mention it or ask him if he’s going to sort anything I just get shouted at and told to leave him alone.

You try and put on a brave face, do the washing up, the hoovering, cleaning, baths, washing, making sure everything is running smoothly, but at the end of the day its draining. Its draining trying to hide there addiction from other people, I even looked in to rehab, but privately it is so expensive, and I wouldn’t want to pay that sort of money for someone that could come out and get back on it. If they really want it they no where the help is, they just have to make that first step. Hope you are ok, and I’m here to chat. X

[char87]

Hi, I’m an addict in recovery. I have come across this site looking for some support for my personal problems.

I have qualifications in mental health and substance misuse. Cocaine is mentally addictive and its likely that your partner is using because of problems or trauma experienced in the past. Consciously or sub-consciously.

As an addict who is clean now, I can say from my experience that he most likely does not understand the impact of whst he is doing. He may acknowledge them to you but he actually just wants to placate you and until he recognises and understands that he could use some professional help, he most likely will not change.

When I was doing cocaine, I genuinely could not understand why everyone had such a problem with whst I was doing and eventually I isolated myself for my habbit.

Seek professional help, encourage him with support and try to make him realise what he is doing to his child as social services would deem it neglectful and would advise that he stays away from you both.

Good luck xx

[drained-and-tired]

Thanks, I understand it is hard for an addict, but my partner just doesn’t seek any help whatsoever. He knows there is a problem, but he just chooses the wrong path each time, he is missing work because of hes addiction, I’m honestly tired from it all, its the same every single day, I go to work and wait for him to get “bored” and then I get a message saying he has picked up again!!

When you say seek professional help, where do I start in getting him help. Or am I just wasting my time. Thanks

[ash2013]

Hi Drained & Tired,

I was hoping to hear from you, i’m sorry its still the same for you.

Honestly it is draining, I understand how you feel. My husband managed to quit without help, there was a defining moment for him I think. At some point he could see what he was doing was wrong on so many levels, his detachment from life, his inability to have any empathy, his health, his focus.

Mind you, this was going on for years before he had this moment! He would love to be able to do it once or twice a year at a party, but he realises he is unable to, and its like using the analogy that you wouldn’t have a drink once or twice a year if you were an alcoholic would you?

How old are you lovely? x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Please contact us at The Icarus Trust as we may be able to help you and your partner.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[ash2013]

Talk to anyone you can D&T, icarus helped me.

Don’t suffer in silence. I’m 45 and having lived with an addict for the majority of the last 15 years, I have PTSD and anxiety because of how I was treated, how I dreaded situations, how I reacted etc.

Don’t let yourself get to that point. Your happiness is the most important thing. You really do have to be selfish and look after number one, and 2 (your child).

x

[drained-and-tired]

Hiya ash2013

Thanks again for your replies, I feel I am on simular levels as you where when your husband was using. I’m honestly so drained from him, if I’m working he is on the phone as moody as sin asking when I will be home and exact time. Constantly dictating my life, yet he is out constantly having hes cake and eating it! Like he has a work Xmas do on the 23rd Dec, he says I have to find childcare cover so he can go…… and normally he looks after our son on Saturdays as I work most Saturdays, yet just lately he has said he is working because he knows he will get paid for it so he can get hes drugs! I have said to him this can’t be a permanent thing as I can’t keep finding childcare cover. And not seeing any of the money he earns.

So I end up skint, searching for childcare all while hes out of hes head.

I can never relax or make plans and actually enjoy them because its constantly on my mind that he will somehow ruin it.

He talks to me like absolute sh*t when he’s on a come down and then he has this sudden burst of fake energy where he will walk round the house as if I’m invisible and whistle and just throw nasty little comments every now and then. And act dad of the year! This is when I know he wants to get more drugs, because he’s moods are all over the place.

I’m 30 and should be happy and enjoying my life but feel its just drifting away because of him.

Just don’t see the point in me getting him any help, because if he really wanted it he would do it himself. X

[ash2013]

Sweetheart, you do not need to go through this on your own. Think about this, what are you getting from him? Anything or nothing?

You are still so young, happiness can be found. Do your parents know? Mine didnt/dont, because I couldnt face telling them.

I remember once I was away at a work event, and I had 43 missed calls in less than 10 minutes because our child had been sick. I was constantly on edge, not able to ever enjoy anything, my mind was preoccupied all the time. You can’t live like that forever.

It definately sounds like you are going through what I was. Its like cocaine addicts have read a book on how to be, and they all follow it! Its remarkable really.

Can you leave? I mean do you rent or own a house with him. I never left because I was worried what he would do, I suspect you feel the same. I’m not ever going to tell you what to do, because all my friends told me to leave, but for some reason I couldnt. I wasnt strong enough. Thankfully now I’m in a good place and so is he, but I wouldnt wish what I went through on my worst enemy.

Could you talk to him when he’s straight, not high and not on a come down? I mean I appreciate those times are few and far between, but thats the only time that he would be in a position to hear anything.

Take care and I’m here xx

[drained-and-tired]

My family found out last year July, I had had enough and came out with everything, told everyone….he then went on the missing and dint see him for months. He then decided he was going to get clean and go to meetings, I feel that he only really done all this to get me back.

I gave him another chance, and for 3 months he was clean, then he slipped up and then kept relapsing if thats what you want to call it.

I rent my home and its just my name on everything, I could leave but just don’t have it in me for some reason to leave. I don’t know whether its where I have become weak from it all or what. Its mainly because I need him for certain aspects of childcare when I work, and he plays on that all the time, so basically because he knows I need him he just does exactly what he wants.

Like tonight I’ve cooked dinner done housework the usual things, have said to him could he collect our son from hes childminders at 5, he agreed this at 4pm, he said he was just going for 1 beer with a work friend. 5oclock comes I receive a text, oh sorry I’ve lost track of time just finishing my pint could you collect him? I was fuming, and so upset because I knew exactly what was coming….he will be out now for the whole night because he has obviously got it on tick again!

Am supposed to be taking my son to see santa at the weekend and I’ve told him he’s not welcome as he ruins everything before it even happens.

Thankyou It feels so nice to be able to talk to somebody about it, especially how I’m feeling right at this moment. Xx

[ash2013]

Hi lovely,

You’ve got to take care of yourself. If I was you, I would ask him to leave at a suitable time. He needs to understand that you love him and you care about him, but that his behaviour is intolerable and you are unhappy.

If he won’t leave then could you go to your parents on a temporary basis? He needs a shock to his system, and he needs to be shown that you can’t live this way together.

I used to get ‘you can’t control me, I wont be told what to do’ so I get the above won’t be an easy path. He needs to see that you’re not controlling him, you are controlling yourself and taking care of your child.

Can your parents look after your child when you work? xx

[simylou]

Hiya,

I hope you’re okay.

I just want to say I am 100% with you, here for you, understand you and respect you for recognising the problem.

My partner was an addict but in order for him to get clean I had to take full control over his life for around 4-6 months. It was absolutely horrible, draining, frustrating, heartbreaking and I just didn’t feel like myself as it literally sucked the life out of me trying to get him clean.

He had to remove social media, show me his phone so I could go through his contacts and delete and block the dealers numbers. I asked him to remove and block a friend who was also an addict. I moved him into a different environment, I would randomly drug test him twice a week, I went to AA meetings every Tuesday night with him and would sit in a pub or bar on my own for an hour, we’d talk a lot, call people for help, I went to the doctors with him but ultimately I said to him I would leave and he would never see me again if he didn’t fix this problem and as difficult as it was I had to be strong but so did he.

He’s been clean a year now and we love each other dearly. The trust isn’t there fully and I am really traumatised and looking for help myself but I just wanted to say you can get through this. With or without him. It’s so difficult and I think not many people understand how difficult it is for the partner of an addict.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this helped x

[saha7]

Hey I was drawn to this post by your ‘drained and tired’ username. That’s how im feeling, just exhausted by trying to work out what to do next for my husband.

Its helpful reading these posts and knowing that others are going through almost the same thing- although so sad that there are so many of us.

Ive no idea what to do next but reading these is helping me think about options.

[hilton]

[purpleheart]

I’m following your thread as again I’m of a similar story . But mine lies and lies until I actually find the stuff. I’m constantly on edge a d I’m so tired as o have two kids 5 and under. I’ve come to the realisation he’s never going to look after me as we get old. I no think

I may of mentally switched off to my husband now . I love him but not enough to keep taking every lie or drama he throws at me . Sending strength chuck . Xx

[Author]

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