[simylou]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is well and keeping safe.

I’ve been with my partner for around 2 and a half years now. When I first met him he was in debt, had a cocaine addiction and he drank a lot. After going to meetings, getting help, cutting off toxic people that also used and moving him into my home with my family he’s worked extremely hard and kept himself clean for a year.

I am so so proud of him and I love him with every single inch of me but I am so traumatised and I do not trust him when he goes out in case he may get so drunk he’ll want to use again or he won’t come home (like old times) he’ll cause an argument and become aggressive (like old times) and I suffer so so bad with anxiety now because I always think of what bad could happen.

When he tells me he’s going to be home a bit later than he says my anxiety kicks in massively. I shake, I feel sick, I go to the toilet about 2-3 times an hour and I demand him to come home the time he says he does out of pure worry.

I really want to get past this and trust him and not feel so anxious and on edge but I really don’t know how and I’ve tried to be understanding and I’ve tried to be supportive and be like “have a great night” but the worry is still there and has never gone away.

Anybody else been through or going through this? What’s your best advice?

Thank you

[lindyloo]

Hi Simylou

I totally understand what you mean.

My son is in recovery atm 60days so far. He’s attending daily online meetings, contacting sponsor and other members of the AA fellowship regularly.

Thank goodness for pubs closing here at 6pm. Its less of a temptation. My son says that the alcohol is a trigger for cocaine so he has to abstain from it completely. He can’t mix with his old friends, as he doesn’t have an off switch.

I think it’s all down to trust and faith and for them to be very strong, strong enough to not give in to temptation.

We have to have the trust in them too, it’s difficult I know. My son had a difficult week, I thought he was going to relapse again. I felt sick, git upset, cried , felt all anxious.

Its a horrible feeling.

Read some of the other threads, there will maybe be more advice for you.

I think when you’re around a person in recovery you’ll always be walking on eggshells as we’ve come to expect it.

We’ll just have to trust that they’ll make the right choices.

Take care

Always here to chat

Lx

[simylou]

Thank you for responding. I’ve never spoken on one of these forums before and it’s so nice for people to just understand.

I don’t want to be judged but I feel like I’ve become controlling when it comes to him going out and I hate feeling like that. We’re only 25 and I want us to enjoy life but I just feel stressed a lot x

[lindyloo]

I feel for you youngsters. My son is only 28 and he feels he can no longer go back to his old life. Out with his mates, meeting new potential girlfriends, and no alcohol any more.

I think you would be forgiven for reining him in now and again. So long as he realises it’s because you care about him and his wellbeing.

Great that he’s be clean for so long though, but in my opinion, he needs to keep the meetings going. He can’t get lured into a false sense of security and take his eye of the ball.

Take care try not to worry too much.

Lx

[simylou]

Hiya,

I’m sorry to hear about your son? How long has he been clean?

Unfortunately we’re in a generation where most people do drugs and drinking to oblivion is funny and it’s normalised too much.

Before I knew my partner had a problem I use to do cocaine with him most weekends for the first few months of us being together and I’d never touched cocaine in my life. It’s only until I met him and then realised he’d do it during the day and did a lot of it and couldn’t stop doing it is when I knew it was an issue so I stopped all together.

Believe it or not we went for meetings every Tuesday and then every Wednesday he’d relapse. He said they made him feel worse and more tempted and told me that he needed to find his own way. So I had to trust him and that he would do it.

So he deleted social media, gave me his phone to delete and block all drug dealers from his phone and anyone that he associates with drugs. He moved in with me and my family rather than staying home because his dad also has a drinking problem and never helped him other than financially. I would drug test him randomly for a couple of times a week for about 6 months and My boyfriend cut down on drinking and partying massively and now he hardly drinks.

But sometimes when he drinks he drinks too much so I worry and get anxiety because it’s not just the drugs I worry about it’s the aggressive side of him that sometimes came out, he use to runaway and not come home until a day later, he’s called me names and picked arguments for no reason and all of that gives me anxiety.

But now he’s better, I still suffer just from worry. I haven’t spoken to anyone professionally but speaking on here makes me feel a bit better and understand and forgive myself a bit more x

[lindyloo]

Hi Simylou,

He’s been clean just over 60days, he managed 3 months last year, but a broken relationship triggered a relapse.

I understand the generation today drink more and many take drugs, unfortunately my son has an addictive personality. Whatever he does, he does it 100%. Alcohol, drugs, sex , he used to gamble too about 10yrs ago. I think it’s a mental health issue, like OCD .

He can’t get any assessment at doctor until he’s 6 months clean.

My son gets aggressive too, I think years of dabbling in drugs and alcohol cause this and anxiety and paranoia.

I’m hoping this will improve the longer he stays clean.

Your boyfriend is very lucky to have a caring and supportive gf like you, many would not have put up with what you’ve dealt with.

Love the person, hate the addiction is the motto I guess!

When he’s in a good frame of mind, you should let him know that he hurts you sometimes. They often don’t realise as cocaine desensitises them. My son learned that from the Meetings .

Find time for yourself, do 5 minutes meditation from mobile phone it helps the anxiety. Do things that make you happy.

Stay strong, sending

hugs

Lx

[simylou]

I know you’re his mom and being a parent is a completely different relationship but the pain is still the same.

How have you coped? I get so worried whenever he’s not with me. It’s almost painful for both of us.

I’m trying all the time to forget about everything and just let him be his own person and enjoy his life but I’m always in fear of him enjoying it too much because like your son, he sometimes doesn’t know when to stop.

I am very lucky he’s been clean for so long, I know exactly what you’re going through but it sounds like you’ve been going through it a lot longer than I have.

To me, leaving him isn’t an option. I love him with all of my heart and I don’t think I’d ever give up on him because he’s such a good person and no one quite understands that “love the person, hate the addiction part” other than myself and people on here.

Thanks again x

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