[Hope67]

Hello, I am reaching out to you in the hope that I can gain strength and advice for the best way to cope with and support our son. I have read some of your stories and feel compassion, sadness and admiration for you. What a complex thing addiction is.

He has struggled with addiction for the past few years. It started with social anxiety, discovering alcohol at 16 then weed. My husband and I have tried so hard to help and support our son for the 7 years since his anxiety emerged. At various stages, youth service counselling, CBT, more counselling, patience, encouragement, warnings, boundaries. This all became harder when he turned 18, 5 years ago. We went to see an addiction counsellor for advice. Our son has recently seen a psychiatrist who recommended private rehab; since then he has agreed to a referral to a local addiction support service and has an appointment in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, he continues to lie about where he is  he going, who he is with. The pattern is that he lies, gets wasted, breaks down the next day and tells us what happened. He cannot abstain alone. He used to pay us a low rent and buy his own food but he has not worked (self employed) for almost a year so his money is drying up. What he has, he spends on alcohol.

We think we will have to find a way for him to move out and see what happens because his illness is affecting our health and mental health. I don’t know if our love for him  is enough to tolerate his illness.I know this sounds harsh. We have another young adult in the family to consider. It is heartbreaking, we have to live with the choices we make next and I feel desperately sad for him and fearful but he is slowly killing himself and we feel we are almost enabling this by allowing him to stay living here. Perhaps he would make different choices if he lived elsewhere.

There is the possibility that he will engage with the addiction support. Perhaps I just need to sit tight.

I don’t have the energy to write more this evening but just wanted to engage with a forum and say hello so that I can return when I am feeling robust enough. Thank you for reading and I apologise for any upset and pain my story might cause to any of you. This is a tough road for anyone.

[annoee]

I read your message just now and feel I need to respond. I have just tonight left my son on his sofa bed at his house where he lives with his pregnant wife and 6 yrs old daughter.

He is struggling with alcohol dependency and has had addiction issues for years. He has been in detox and rehab last year.

Thiss is so difficult for us as mother’s.

I know I cannot advise you and that we are all different. I just want you to know, sadly, you are not alone.

It is so difficult to know where to turn but we have to be strong and remember we need to look after ourselves too x

 

[Annette54]

Let your son go…….  Really, you’ve done your best and his addiction is really affecting the rest of the family.  Far better that he moves out and gets professional help.  None of you can fix, nor save him, that’s HIS job.  I write as sister to an almost lifelong drug using younger brother and now with an adult son with similar issues.  Far easier when they live away and you can see him every 2-3 months.  Never give money, pay a bill IF you want to and can afford to.  I found just walking and talking really works.  No expectations, just treating him like a human being and family member.

Addiction changes our brains.  It short circuits the dopamine (pleasure) receptors to make them crave drugs or alcohol.  The rest of us are just a blur once the addiction really sets in.  If you want to understand more, I suggest you look at TED talks by Dr. Gabor Mate and Marc Lewis, both experts in trauma, addiction and recovery.  Beneath our using (and I misused booze for some decades: drank at home so noone knew) is almost always some kind of childhood trauma, or intergenerational trauma.  (Going back 3-4 generations.)  I quit drinking at 62 and am now fit and healthy with zero depression, nor mental health issues.

Sending big hugs and good luck!

Don’t feel ashamed, make sure you all stay well and live your lives knowing how hard you tried.  Sending big hugs.

[abibby123]

Hi, I am new to this site and it’s so sad to hear that there are so many of us in such situations.  I think what you have done is incredibly brave.  My son has an alcohol addiction too, but just won’t admit it.  I too have taken him for counselling, psychiatric help, medication, the works!  He stops for a while but then it’s just back to the same old story.  He too smokes weed saying that this calms him down and then he doesn’t drink.  He is a bit younger than your son but I spend most evenings trying to find somewhere cheap enough to rent for him to move out.  I just wanted to say you are not alone and sending a hug.

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