[brian]

Since the age of 16, unbeknown to us, my son started smoking weed. then at 18 he started cocaine. He is a self harmer with suicidal thoughts. We are getting help from professionals but it is destroying our family. he has a 15 year old brother who hates what he is doing to himself and us. We have identified his dealers, found weed in his bedroom and shopped him to the police. We are now finding empty bottles of vodka in his bedroom. At the moment he is holding down a job which he is doing well at !!! which i find incredible bearing in mind what he is doing to himself. I can see the path he is taking and fear that we will end up burying our son. Dont know what to do to stop him and pull him back. He is breaking our hearts.

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi Brian, it seems that alcohol and drugs go together reading some of these posts, and also knowing from first hand experience with my son. You are a fantastic father and shopping your own son is brave, and really is the right thing…..I hope your son knows how much you love him. I wonder if given that your son self harms and has suicidal thoughts he is using the weed n alcohol to block things out…… I think you are doing everything you can, just don’t forget about his brother…all too often as parents we focus on the child we want to fix, or get better…I make sure I have time with my other child, and try and keep things normal ..hard but it is achievable… Let us know how things go…Susie xx

[brian]

Thanks Susie, we wont give up on him, but neither will we tolerate certain behaviour. i have come to the conclusion that there is nothing my wife or I can do apart from love him. he is an adult and has to make his own life style choices. in relation to his self harming and suicidal thoughts i suspect that these may have been caused by the drugs he has taken which have messed up his brain, but who knows? What i do know is that we are powerless unless he genuinely comes to us for help, and for that happen he needs to know that we will always be there for him. he is nowhere near as bad as some on here but I can see the path he is taking and pray that he will start to claw himself back. Thanks and we must all stay strong. good luck x

[fifi65]

Hiya Brian, thanks for posting, youre the 1st father ive seen make a comment, there are most prob many more, but I personally havent come a cross any.. saying that Brian I wouldnt like you to think Im saying fathers dont suffer the pain the rest of the family feels, Im sure they do!!! good fathers, my son wasnt lucky in that respect, his father has always been a total waste of space and shared his heroin with my son. I hope your son comes through this terrible time Brian and you and your family get some peace … Fiona x

[gary]

Brian. Thanks for sharing that. I can completely empathise as my wife and I are going through a similar thing with our 17 year old. He has been smoking weed for, we think, 3 years, and has got into debt with dealers which we have had to help him out with. However, despite the problems he has caused, he will not see it, and we are at the end of our tether. I have thought about going to the police but am concerned about the repercussions both for him (from a drugs charge) and the rest of the family (from the dealers). We are not naive, and understand the dangers and whilst we hope that he will come out of it, we are losing hope. I would be interested in how your experience with the police panned out. I completely respect them but am worried it may do more harm than good. My son is very closed and also self-harms, and will not tell us much of what is going on in his life. However, it is good (if that’s the right word) that a forum exists where people can share their experiences and advice. All the best, Gary.

[brian]

Hi Gary,
Very similiar story to ours. I found out who hes dealers are, son self harmimg and having delusions…seeing an imaginary figure telling him to hurt himself. Im convinced its the weed and cocaine. He is receiving professional help from a drugs counncellor. When i found cannabis in his room i phoned the police, They were fantastic and interviewed him with a drug councellor present. He wont get a criminal record unless he re-offends. I have taken his wages off him, shopped him to the police. But things have started to get better recently. That happened when my wife and I backed off and stopped trying to make him stop and controlling his life. As hard as it was I took the view that its his life, his choices, we would always love him, provide food and shelter. But the help stops there until he says he wants help to change for the better. No financial help. he brought drugs into the home so Police were called. He had a choice. If he didnt like living here under our rules he knew where the front door was !! if he left we weren’t kicking him out. Up until then we cried begged shouted and threatened but to no avail, especially with all the broken promises. Just recently he bought a TV for himself from the money he would have normally spent on drugs, a good sign that he made the right choice. He has ownership of the problem he has to take ownership of the solution. Love him, do not support him financially, be there for him when he is ready. While youre fighting for him he will continue to abuse himself and you. Back off and pray that one day he will come back to you. Early days at the moment but we have had a good week and our son is looking better and theres a glimmer of his old self. Dont know how long it will last. Good luck to you

[brian]

Gary, do not lose hope !!!!!! ive been there and it can get better, but its up to your son, let him make mistakes (as hard as it is) let him get to an all time low. My son ended up in hospital overdosing on cocaine. But very slowly I am seeing glimmersof hope. Your son but has to reach his rock bottom. Show him the lifebelt but dont give it to him until he really wants it.

[gary]

Thanks Brian – we’re doing most of what you’ve said but he is threatening to kill himself if we don’t pay his dealer (again!) which we know is emotional blackmail, but is hard to resist. As you say you love them unconditionally but there comes a point where you have to let them realise their mistakes. We have backed off to some degree but he just keeps pushing what’s left of the boundaries and hurting us and his brother and sister. I’m glad you’re situation seems to be improving and hope it continues. I’ll keep you updated. It’s good to talk!

[brian]

Hi Gary,
If you pay his debts, even to his dealer, you are enabling him to continue. My son owed money, and had been threatened with violence, I would not give him money. Let him go, as awful as that is. While you are there with such support he will lie, steal, take drugs and destroy you and your family. I ‘enabled’ my son through love support and care. Stop enabling and there willl be a chance to get him back. It will be heartbreaking, but as soon as I accepted it was all his choice and put the responsibility on his shoulders, after awhile there was a slow improvement. Its only been a week, but its been a good week.

[cant-take-no-more]

Wise words Brian…..as parents we continue to enable them to do drugs…whether its pay off their debts, picking them up, paying for clothes for them, bills, YOUR TIME when they are angry, hostile and ripping the family apart!!! It really is soul destroying, but since coming to this group, I have learned I cannot save him, I cannot make things better…its down to him…..Emotional blakmail is something they use time and time again…..and they will use it if they know they can….ITS time to think of you and your family…………warm hugs to you all…keep fighting xxxx

[gary]

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I paid the latest debt on Monday night before both of yours & Brian’s responses, but having discussed things ourselves we agree that this is not going to help in the long term, and will not pay up again. He is in a bad way at the moment mentally, and showing all the classic signs – lying, falling out with friends, anger, schizophrenia, etc. He knows he needs help but when I booked a Doctor’s appointment yesterday he wouldn’t come. Brian’s advice in his earlier posts are proving useful as this is now coming to a head, and we can offer him all the help, but he’s got to want to take the first step with us. All we cab do, is be supportive if he needs us. As you say, it’s soul destroying watching him do it to himself. Thanks again – I’m finding these conversations useful.

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh Gary hun, you are truly a remarkable dad, just like ALL the parents on here…I enabled my son for many years, and simply added to the nightmare, without even realising!! Ive got tough, and im sure ive said before but have told ALL the family not to give him one penny……He knows he is on his own…..He hasnt had anything for 6 days now, and although Im hoping against hope that this is it, Im not stupid……My son goes through spats, where he doesnt take anything for a while, then goes all out…..I can only support him when he is trying…..IF he goes back down the drug route, then I will once again pull myself away from him!

[Author]

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