[kate1]

My 28 year old has had issues with drugs for years. We stumble from one crisis to the next. He just about holds his job down, though it’s under threat now. He would have lost it ages ago if I didn’t pay for him to get there. He is having a pre eviction meeting next week as he didn’t pay his rent this month. He’s already been to court so is breaching the court order. He’s lost his little girl until he sorts himself out. I feel so guilty if I don’t help him but I know I’m enabling him. I can’t bear the thought of him on the streets or out of work. Can someone advise, maybe there are some ex addicts I would be grateful for your input as to what I should do.

[carlb]

Hi Kate1 I understand how you feel because my mother went through hell with me.

Unfortunately there is no quick fix because an addict will only change after hitting rock bottom and the more that people are enabling the longer this will go on. Personally knowing that I could use guilt or pity to get what I wanted from my mother despite already losing eveyrone else kept me in the cycle. I have been on the receiving end of what i m going to say and he will say horrible things and try to play the victim but stay firm. You need to be tough and offer any emotional support he needs but no more financial assistance. He will resent you qt first but the goal is to break the cycle and to still be able to have his mother for advice and guidance.

It is not easy but you need to make him responsible for his own actions and to make him understand what he stands to lose.

[kate1]

Thank you for your reply. I feel exhausted I am so worried if I don’t pay his rent he is on the streets if I don’t get him to work he won’t have a hope of getting himself a roof somewhere. How long did it take you to get clean. I’m guessing you are. We just go round and round in circles. Even the mother of his daughter wants me to drug test him. Which he’s ok with but I shouldn’t be having this responsibility should i

[carlb]

It took me a long time to get clean in total 21 years but the real problem is learning to engage with people and situations while being sober.

As a user if becomes almost impossible to do things sober once you have started along this road. I couldn’t even sit and watch a film if I was sober because I felt I wouldn’t enjoy it. So I was heavily dependent on numerous substances.

I understand why you go out of your way for him but it shouldn’t be your responsibility and the more he can use you to essentially hold his hand when he messes up the longer it will continue.

I am ashamed of how I used and manipulated my mum and I knew she would cave in if I kept on.

When it got too bad then she had to cut me loose…no more enabling and I was not welcome under the influence.

If I needed to talk or support with getting clean she was there but she wasn’t going to watch me kill myself any longer.

[kate1]

I need to hear this but it’s so hard i cry all the damn time. No good to anyone at the minute. He has a pre eviction meeting Monday I said I’d be with him it’s on zoom. I am dithering if you pay the rent or not if I do he bumbles along for another month if I dont the process of eviction starts. I think he sees what’s coming and has asked me to rehome the cat. What if losing his home doesn’t help. Even his job if he doesn’t get money from me he can’t go. No job no home what’s going to happen. Sorry I sound full of self pity but who wants to see anyone go through this

[kate1]

He gets much less from me now than he has in the past I get the odd basic food. I do help him get to work but make sure I get the money back I pay for his anti depressants as if I didn’t he wouldn’t get them. His bills he just doesn’t bother paying at all he is thousands in debt. He still says he has things under control. If I mention getting help he says he used to be addicted but not now. Who is he trying to kid

[lindyloo]

Hi Kate1

I can feel the sadness and anxiety in your words. It’s a horrible feeling, I have this feeling every month on his payday.

My son also gets his wages end of every month and I dread the weekends. This is the hardest time for them.

My son has been okay since his last relapse 3or 4 weeks ago. He is in his own flat. The deposit was paid by an inheritance, I was so relieved when he moved out over 3 years ago. We knew he was making bad choices but didn’t realise the extent of it all. The huge drug debt, and debt to loan companies.

We amalgamated all the debt, we paid it off, now he pays it back to us interest free every month.

You can never fully relax with the situation, I feel on edge a lot of the time , as does my husband .

He would never be able to move back here if he lost the house. It would affect me and my hubby’s health and well-being. So I just hope and pray every day that he gets the strength to fight his addiction and not give into temptation.

Perhaps if you spoke to one of the counsellors at Icarus trust they could put your mind at ease? I think that’s my next step if my son deteriorates.

Keep posting here as it helps to speak to others in similar situations.

Try to find time to switch off and enjoy the weekend.

Take care ❤

Lx

[kate1]

Thank you. Sounds so much like us. I just want him back to normal. Whatever his normal is. I won’t consolidate his debts he’d never pay me back. I think I will speak to him if I can. He has reached a major crossroads. He either wants to have a relationship with his daughter have a roof over his head a job and a supportive mum or he takes the other route. It’s a real choice now

[carlb]

I am very sorry it has gotten this bad. The main focus of my life is gaining the chance to rebuild a relationship with my 2 children and I have to face the fact that I have missed 2 years of their lives despite odd phonecalls. Until the authorities are satisfied I am not allowed direct contact. This for me was what changed my attitude. Even living in a car park wasn’t enough to alter my actions but my children deserve to have a father and to deprive them of that is selfishness on my part.

I hope you can find the strength to support your son from a safe distance and that he will make the choice to continue in the same vain or to make a change.

You can destroy yourself trying to make it happen but only he can make the choice.

Stay strong and cherish the good days!

[kate1]

Thank you yes it’s so difficult when children are involved. It says something that you want to make the change for them. I’m going to have a conversation with him today. He needs to decide what he wants. His ex is strong and has told him no contact until he shows clear signs of sorting himself out and even then only face time and I support her with that. The. children come first they have too. He loves his daughter and the ex’s little boy who he has brought up so much it just might be the catalyst for change. I hope and pray it is. I hope you get to a point where you can be a part of the children’s lives again

[lindyloo]

Hi Kate 1

I’ve read your story and wanted you to know that you’re not alone here. So many of us here with loved ones with addictions.

I wish I had all the answers to give you, my 28yr old son also has alcohol and cocaine addictions, I know how it can consume our lives like it consumes them.

The forum offers advice and support also the Icarus trust posts here too.

Unfortunately until they understand that they have a problem and want to seek help and support, there’s very little that we as parents can do.

It’s a very tough thing to do to stop enabling your loved one.

My son has had periods of being clean through AA and CA meetings and their 12 step program. He’s relapsed a few times too, but I think this happens.

Please look after your own health and well-being in the meantime. Your son is still there, it’s just the addiction that turns them into people you don’t recognise any more. It makes them selfish and unfeeling. They will lash out at the ones who care the most about them..

Please stay strong, read the Theresa thread we are all mums with sons with addictions. Everyone is so understanding and supportive of each other.

Take care ❤

Lx

[kate1]

Thank you. It’s hard because he gets paid blows the lot in one night is a nasty bit of work until he needs something then it’s like he becomes my son again until he gets money then he’s gone again. It’s making me ill I can actually see I look exhausted. Life shouldn’t be like this. How long has your son been addicted I think mine started at about 17 when I look back

[lindyloo]

Hi Kate1

Sounds like i wrote this myself!

My son was dabbling at 14, he always had the excuse…someone must’ve slipped me something…story. But it happened a lot really. Then at 16 started an apprenticeship , the gambling started, things were going missing, he was selling anything of value. I guess by 20 he was a functional addict. He drank a lot, but his room was a tip, and he looked like a vagrant…no offence to vagrants!

I think my son has ocd or adhd, whatever he does, its 100%.

Lx

[kate1]

I feel so sad. It’s like he just doesn’t care that he could lose his home. I could pay his rent on my credit card but I think that’s what he is expecting. I wonder if he has underlying mental health or maybe it’s the drugs he’s been like this so long I don’t think he knows what normal life is like now

[lindyloo]

I can’t say to you, stop bailing him out, but I know al – anon tell you this. As a mum this is such a hard decision to make.

I’m glad you joined the Theresa thread, some of the mums have been through this already and a lot worse. They will be very supportive and helpful.

The Icarus trust also gives support and advice too.

I stopped paying the drugs debt, but I bought food and cigs until he got/gets paid. It’s just whatever works for each situation I guess. But I agree, its a vicious cycle.

Stay strong and positive if you can, and take care of you.

Lx

[kate1]

Where does your son live does he manage pay rent. I don’t mind paying food. I’ve done with drug debts though. I probably will end up paying his rent but If it happens again he’s on his own

[carlb]

Thank you and I am confident I will. It is just a matter of patience and determination.

I hope things work out for you and your family.

[kate1]

Thank you. You are right patience and being open and honest with the authorities You will get there

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