[jem]

Hello, I haven’t posted here before but have used the site’s resources for a few years.

I have a son who is 29, about 3 years ago he started smoking heroin and told me about it after a few months. At that point he had lost his job, looked terrible and was out of money. Since then he has sorted himself out and relapsed a few times (that I know about). Just before lock-down he said he wanted to come and live near me. I found him a flat and helped him to move in. He was working as a freelancer at the time so could work from anywhere. Up to the point of moving in, we had been speaking every day in recent weeks and once he was in the flat, that gradually stopped. He also used to transfer money to my account, partly to pay back some of what he has borrowed but also so that I can have a bit of control over his cash. He is honest in telling me that he has to fight the urge to buy drugs on a daily basis. I barely see him now, despite him living just down the road, he says that he is just enjoying having his own space (he was previously in a large shared house), but I am sure he is back on it. He makes arrangements to see me then cancels saying he slept badly the night before or he just feels depressed. His work contract has now come to an end and I think he is spending his days just playing computer games. I am waiting for him to tell me he is back on it, that he has spent all his money and can’t pay his rent. I spent a lot on him last year, he’d had money for a computer and spent it on drugs, so I replaced the computer so that he could work, and he was brilliant for a while. He tells me now that he isn’t doing drugs other than a bit of weed to ‘help his head’, but I don’t trust what he tells me, but have no proof. I feel that by letting him hide away in the flat I am not helping the situation, but I don’t know what to do to help him. Before all of this he was an amazing person that everyone liked. He cared about his friends, didn’t miss his rent, but the last 3 years just seem to have been so negative. He started having counselling, but didn’t stick at it, went to Smart Recovery a couple of times. He uses legal meds to help him get off heroin, but then just falls back. Am I being unrealistic, is it just to hard to get off this stuff? He still doesn’t inject, but I think that is just because he has had enough money not to have to do that. I honestly don’t know what to do to help. It was easier when he didn’t live near me, and I didn’t have to look up at his window and wonder if he’s okay. Do I just wait for the call, when he is out of cash and is forced to tell me again? I just need to know what I can do to genuinely help.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jem,

Thanks for posting. I’m sorry to read what you are going through due to your son’s addiction. It’s really hard I know.

If you would like some support for yourself maybe you would like to contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that offers support to people going through what you are with a family member’s addiction. We have trained people you could talk with who have lots of experience of helping people though this. Maybe talking to one of them would help you find the way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[jem]

Hi,

Thank you for responding, I will get in touch with the charity. It would be really good to talk to people who understand the issues and can help me find the best way forward to be of use to my son – while staying sane myself.

[icarus-trust]

Hope you find it useful. Best of luck

[looking4hope]

Hi, I apologise in advance that I don’t have all the answers for you but I wanted to reach out and say “hang in there”. You sound like a great and caring parent. Your story made me cry as I am going through a similar thing with my boyfriend’s drug addiction.

If you are like me, I have never had any issues myself with addiction so I think it is difficult to understand why it is so hard for them to quit. But from reading articles, it seems that addiction is quite complex and requires more than just a strong will, it is a sickness. I try to remind myself to stay positive and that it’s not his fault but it is REALLY hard.

At times I think I’m going crazy too.

I think the fact that your son has gone to counselling and smart recovery in the past means that there is a part of him that wants to get better.

You mentioned that you spent a lot on him last year and I read before that this enables him and prolongs the process. But of course.. how can a parent not help their own son when he asks for help? I am so sorry that you are in this dilemma.

Well I’m not sure if I was much help but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in your feelings.

[jem]

Hi,

I’ve only just seen your message, it was lovely to read, although I am sorry about your partner, I can imagine how hard this is for you, but you sound very understanding and patient.

I have my son with me now, he is about 6 days clean, but facing a very long road ahead.

Like you I have never suffered with addiction, but grew up with a functioning alcoholic parent. I am very scared for my son, as I really do get how hard it is to stay clean, and that the odds are stacked against you.

I hope you are doing okay and that your partner is moving in the right direction.

Take care of yourself.

JEM

Apologies again for not replying sooner.

[Author]

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