[desperate-mother]

Even writing the title for this thread I cannot admit he is addicted to cocaine (which is easier to say than admit he is an addict).

I have been denying this for years even though I have suspected. He is in his late thirties and has always said I’m being rediculous and I don’t know what I’m talking about whenever I’ve tried to talk to him about it. He refuses to discuss it and walks out if I mention it – then won’t call for several days – until he needs something – usually money.

Not surprisingly he split up with his partner about six years ago and is still very bitter about it – she cheated on him and left for the other person, who she has since married. They have a little girl who is nine years old and they supposedly share custody approximately 40% of her time is with her daddy. They have a very close relationship but I do worry.

I honestly do not know how to cope and get him to admit his problem. I just do not know how to handle this.

[danman83]

Hi there hope your ok?, anyway.. im going through a cocaine problem right now.. im 35, 4 kids.. and a partner and we all live together. I quit on new years eve. Which ill explain in a min why.. but i lapsed 2 month later.. then ive not touched it for 5 week since then. So its been once since new year.

I was having it in the house on my own, after i had stop going out at the weekends. I never thought i was addicted.. but i was. I was just having it fridays.. every couple of week.. or once a month.

For abour 6 to 8 years.

If you take coke just once a month for 6 month.. your addicted! Watch louise clarke on you tube on crack cocaine part 123.. shes great and can help your son to quit.. and make yourself aware of it!

When the coke wears off, its called a comedown.. this sends me depressed and suicidal. Its really not good at all. And in them videos it explains why. Its horrible. Ive been crying in the house on my own. I know people that have killed them selfs down from it.

Now.. me personally id have a quiet, no shouting chat with your son.

But this is what he needs to do to stop. With what i have done and researched

Stay away from anyone to do with coke. Delete mates, dealers numbers.

Dont drink any alcohol! As this triggers you to want to get coke.

Take up some new hobbies. Change your whole routine around! Talk to people. Look up emotional, mental, and physical relapse.

But the main thing is.. HE HAS TO WANT TO QUIT HIMSELF!! you cant force him..

I hate the stuff.. but if i had a drink now. Ill get coke within 10 min.. hope this helps

[desperate-mother]

Thank you so much for responding. Yes it has helped a lot.

He does have depression and has said he is suicidal – and now I know why. I hadn’t associated alcohol with using coke – but i can see that now. I did try speaking to him yesterday but ended up him walking off again telling me I had no idea and what an awful I was suggesting he does drugs! So – won’t be speaking to me again for a while!!

Could I just ask you a question. When I have suspected he has used coke, and more so this last time, his eyes go sunken and sore looking – he has tried to pass this off as depression and crying – is that how your eyes go? And rather than enlarged pupils they’re small like pin holes.

Thank you so much for responding.

[danman83]

Im not too sure about the sunken eyes thingy.. but. . My gf 100 % knows when i have had it.. my eyes are like popping out of my head. Ill try and avoid eye contact with her.. and they are shinny and you can just tell.

Id say id let u know what my pupils are next time.. but i dont intend using.

Im getting that hes denying taking coke then? Am i right? And if he is… whats making you think he is?

Ive neally gone through with suicide..from that stuff. Can you imagine what it would of done to my kids. It breaks me sometimes what ive been like. And im just an average hard working good dad. I dont go out, i just stay in with my gf and kids now.

If he is saying you have no idea and its not coke.. could it be something else?

[dnanon]

Hi, my son is in his early 30s but has been using cocaine on and off for approx 10 years. This has resulted in two relationship breakdowns. He has two children, one with each, eldest 11 yrs old. He has had periods of not being able to see his kids and just recently he is back in touch with them. I know exactly where you are coming from. My son moved back in with us for a time, we thought we had got him sorted and back on track but as soon as he started earning again he got confident and started using again. Like you it was very difficult to know when he was using or not as he obviously hid it from us. They say that when using their pupils enlarge but we struggled to notice this. His behaviour was always erratic i.e. one minute loud and confident, next grumpy and tired. Next day he would be sniffing a lot too. Eventually my son went self employed but couldn’t even maintain this and kept letting people down. He is now living with someone and I haven’t seen him since November 18. He ignores calls, texts for months on end and then we may get the odd text i.e. he sent me a text last week saying Happy Mother’s Day!! Like you we can’t talk to him about ‘coke’ as we think he is denying using but there is no other reason why the long periods of no contact. All we can say is that unless your son wants to quit there is little you can do. We have supported our son when he went to a drug counselling service and other groups but he never stuck at it. We also tried counselling ourselves which may help you deal with it. Look up your local NHS mental health/drug addiction service and ask about support for family members. I have watched one of Louise Clarke’s videos on YouTube and bought the book. It helped me understand more and I told my son I could help him but he didn’t respond. Hope this helps and good luck. Any other questions just ask. Danman also has good advice and gives hope for quitting but like he said they have to want to quit.

[desperate-mother]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. The relationship with my son has now become far worse since my first post only a couple of days ago.

He is denying he takes coke at all and as in the past – this has made me question my suspicion – but in my heart – I know. The way he is just fits with cocaine use – perfectly normal and a pleasant person- then abusive, depressed, suicidal, sniffing, and broke! He has some debts – but none that couldn’t be managed. He is self employed, I don’t think he would manage being employed- but he frequently has issues with his customers. He has now blamed me for his depression/ mental health, saying it’s the way I brought him up. Yesterday he sent me a text over all this (in response to me WhatsApping Louise Clarke’s YouTube video to him – and has said I’m dead to him now, he never wants to hear from me again and has deleted me from his phone. Also saying I won’t see my granddaughter again either.

It does make me question myself, how I brought him up (very well I thought). He’s an only child so I don’t have anyone else I can say I did a good job with! I know I’m not perfect – but I did try and he had a better upbringing than a lot of people. Rather sad for mother’s day today. ????

[hox]

I’m sorry to hear that this mothers day is a sad one.

It looks like you have hit the nail on the head with him being addicted to cocaine. I suppose it’s hard to admit you are an addict even though it’s plain to see and hear on the Louise Clarke videos.

Hang in there, you can only help when he accepts that he has an addiction.

It doesn’t matter how anyone has been brought up, good or bad in their opinion. We all have a choice whether to do cocaine or not. My husband had a very strict but good upbringing but he sniffs cocaine.

[danman83]

I feel guilty now mentioning that video.. but hes a grown man and should expect his mum to be worried. Its not like you have done something bad. Your doing what any mum would do.

Does he have a partner or close cousins? Could you not ask them if hes using? But then again will he go mad if your asking?

It does seem like he is on coke. But you dont really know till he admits it or you find it on him. And i wouldnt want to see you lose your relationship over your son on assumption.

Maybe.. this is just my opinion.. just say something like.. ok.. im just worried about you.. i wont bring it up again.. i dont want to lose you or my grandaughter, but im here for you no matter what, and you can tell me anything… thats just my opinion.

But i hope it goes well for you.

[desperate-mother]

Thank you for your support – I have tried the ‘I’m worried about you’ approach – and I have tried not mentioning it again because he has tried to convince me he isn’t ‘using’ but I do mention it again – I just know in my heart he is. ???? he never has any money, which I know being self employed it’s feast or famine – but I gave him £70 this week to get some garage floor paint (I have just paid to have a garage erected at his house) but he hasn’t bought the paint and hasn’t got the money! I just know. It breaks my heart.

[dnanon]

Looks like there are two of us without cards or texts from our sons. All the things that you are saying about your son are very similar to my son’s behaviour. They are very good at denying it and my son would get aggressive, even when I confronted him with evidence i.e. empty packets. We paid mortgages and bills for a time but eventually we helped him sell his house as he wasn’t paying anything. If we hadn’t done this his house would have been repossessed. This was possibly the biggest mistake we made as he got a substantial sum of money and it is since then that he has barely been in touch. With regard to not seeing your grand-daughter he has no right to say that to you. Are you in touch with his ex as we still see our grandchildren through contact with his exes. Is there anyone who is still in contact with him that you could talk to him? i.e. dad, siblings, friends.

I would say maybe don’t contact him until he calms down and perhaps he will contact you. Although we have tried this and it hasn’t always worked. There are no answers or right ways to do things in these situations. Just know you are not alone and try to stay strong.

[desperate-mother]

Thank you for your support – it is so hard dealing with it isn’t it? He is so ‘normal’ (whatever normal is) when his daughter is around and they have a fab relationship, but when she goes to her mum’s I think he just thinks it’s coke night! His personality changes, he’s angry and aggressive- shouts at me and then is depressed & suicidal. So hard to cope with – and hold down a responsible job. ????

[danman83]

Well you just keep doing what you gut instinct tells you to do..

How the hell can he say all that.. after you have paid that for the garage?? Bit nasty. Saying as you help him out.

[hox]

Nasty words and you help him out a lot too with money. He’s cut off his nose now to spite his face.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Desperate mother,

So sorry to read the post about your son’s addiction. It’s really tough for you I know.

I’m glad that you’re talking to these guys on the blog as they are really supportive.

If you need any more help I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We are there to offer support to people having to deal with a family member’s addiction. If you get in touch you would be able to speak with one of our trained and experienced people, which may help you.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[desperate-mother]

Thank you – I will definitely be in touch

[Author]

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