[jazz]

When I met my partner over 3 years ago, I was a foster carer…
I didn’t know at first, but he is an addict, cocaine was the drug of choice.
We were seeing each other for around 2 months when he confessed to me his situation.
Initially I was shocked, but because I loved him, supported him as best I could.
He has Hep C and had severe damage to his liver…
I went to all his hospital appointments and supported him through 2 trials (a debilitating course of untested medication)
I had to cease being a foster-carer, because of the impact he could possibly have on foster children. (because the medication made him so ill)
Resulting in me losing my home
The trials both failed (I think maybe because he was still drinking alcohol)
This went on for about a year,,in this time, he had moved out of rehab and into a flat provided by the council.
Our relationship was a little rocky because of his erratic behaviour (and to be honest, he is Italian and struggles a little with his English,I actually thought at one point, How do I know he hasn’t got mental problems) He had no friends and his family all live in Italy, so I had no one to talk with..
But around 6 months ago,I noticed his behaviour change…the way he acted, the way he spoke and the way he carried himself..
I found drug paraphernalia in his flat…he lied….texts on his phone from dealers, in code of course….he lied, stuff in his pockets,drawers, dustbin anywhere and everywhere… I became so wrapped up in finding out the truth, but he always had the perfect lie….excuse…
But I knew in my heart of hearts what he was doing…
I tried walking away several times,,,but always went back..I love him dearly, but I also hate him..
Eventually in Oct 2013, that he had been taking methadone,,,he said he hadn’t taken drugs, just the substitute…(and yet again, being naive, I believed him)……He went into Detox in November 2013..
He is now out of Detox and in Rehab..I speak to him on the phone regulary…(I have even been to a couple of NA meetings to try and understand his addiction)
He is gradually opening up and being honest with me about his drug addiction (cocaine)…that this time began over a year ago,,,(I didn’t know,,,how would I)

But I am finding it very difficult to deal with the realisation of the whole situation,,,the lies…the blame…(at one point he said it was my fault because we argued) but the thing that upsets me the most is the mind games…He actually made me believe that I was losing my mind at one stage…
Sorry for babbling on,,,but the thing that is worrying me now is,,that in 3 more weeks he will be back home and expect things to go back to the way they were between us….But I really don’t know if I can or even want to…I feel so hurt and betrayed…

I don’t know if I can live with the fear of him relapsing again..
and if I finish with him (which would break my heart) will he relapse

I feel so damaged

[sdiggle]

My partner is a heroin addict and believe me I know how you feel, you say he made you feel like you were losing your mind , I would sit on my own racking my brain wondering what I had done and id believe him when he said I was the cause of his want to score, when deep down all I was doing was trying to keep our family together raising two babies and trying to keep him safe, but not once did he stop and think about us, he says he is clean now, I question where he is going what he is doing , I dont know if he is using I wouldnt and even if I thought he was he would never tell me so right now im putting up with the worry the fear and the uncertainty , you need to fix yourself , you cant fix him trust me ive spent too long trying and the only person who gets hurt is yourself, xx

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