[posie]

Hello! I’ve read everyone’s stories and I’m just sharing mine because I’m now reaching out for help and support.

My husband is a cocaine addict although he won’t admit or accept it. Our lives have become unbearable. He is extremely aggressive and in denial. His friends all have problems too and because I’ve found out and called them out they’ve all turned on me and are trying to convince him it’s not a problem to be doing it on week nights and early mornings on a regular basis and bad mouthing me to him. I can see him struggle every day between caring for me and our children and wanting to be a better man and the pull of drugs. One of his friends died last week of an overdose, he was my childhood friend too. My husband and his group still don’t see it. I know deep down he’s not going to change and I have to leave but I’m struggling to bring myself to do it. Thanks for reading, glad to get that off my chest

[danman83]

Hiya posie, hope your OK,

I’m a coke addict and I’m 4 week clean today. And now I’ve joined C A, this is my last attempt.

Your husband is definitely an addict. If you use once a month for years, you are an addict. You still fall back to the drug. He needs to want to quit for himself and admit he has a problem to see any changes in him. If he decides to stop. He needs get rid of his mates, dealers nums and quit alcohol all together, as this is a main trigger.

What are his come downs like? The next day? It sends you suicidal and depressed for days. This is my major factor for quitting. They are horrendous and what goes through your head when the coke has gone is awful.

Just ask him what’s more important the coke or you and the kids. I’ve tried quitting for years. I hate the stuff. It just grips you. And it’s hard to avoid as it is everywhere.

Feel free to ask me anything

[posie]

Thank you so much for replying to me. His come downs he’s very aggressive, tired, moody, defensive. He has stayed home for a month now since I found out and isn’t going out or meeting anyone but refuses to delete peoples numbers or break contact. I’ve found cannabis hidden in jars in the garden twice since which I believe ‘friends’ are leaving there for him and both times I’ve chucked it in a wheelie bin far from the house without telling him. I’ve made it clear I won’t accept it or enable it. He needs to be clean of everything. I’m finding it hard to believe he’ll ever stop but feeling sad at the thought of leaving him as we’ve been together since we were very young

[danman83]

He just needs to admit it and prove to you he’s quitting. You literally have to change your daily routine around. Healthy food, vitamins, I listen to recovery stories on you tube. I’ve took up reading, and I do my best to learn new words. Just to keep me occupied. I deleted all social media. You can message dealers on there, plus seeing people getting pissed and out encourages you to do the same.

It’s hard but the rewards are worth it. But I’m only 4 week so I can’t say much lol

[posie]

He doesn’t have any social media and he’s not been out in weeks, he won’t even go to the shop but he sniffles consistently and I feel like I’m so paranoid now too but I know it was bad as in a weekly basis minimum.

Well done on being on week4, that’s an achievement and you should be proud of yourself 🙂

[danman83]

Thanks for that ???? do you think he’s using most days in the house?

[posie]

I have no idea, sometimes I get curious, like he smokes and I don’t so he smokes outside, sometimes if he’s out smoking I hear him sniffing but never see him go in his pockets etc. If he was I don’t know where he would be hiding it or where he’s getting it, it’s lockdown and he doesn’t go out and I’m here almost all the time. Some nights he stays up pretty late after Ive gone to bed, I wonder if someone maybe drops it off once I’m sleeping? I feel like it’s not my job to keep an eye on him though, he either wants to stop or he doesn’t, I can’t babysit him for the rest of our lives. He’s mostly back to himself, the tantrums have stopped but he still sniffs all day every day. I’ll stay up until he goes to bed next few nights and see his reaction? It’s fairly easy to tell, he’s Jekyll and Hyde. Lovely guy without it, very sweet yet when on it very nasty, shouting, name calling etc

[danman83]

Oh it won’t be in his pocket. Mine was in my sock, it can be hidden under an ornement in the toilet. Places like this. It probably will never be in his pocket. It’s so easy to get it delivered while your in bed aswell. My dealer use leave it on top of the wheel of my car or post it. Loads of ways of getting it. An addict gets it no matter what.

[posie]

This would make sense, he often sniffs when he’s at the front door or in the toilet, I’ve turned the house upside down and can’t find anything. Last night I gave up waiting up by 2am, I have no idea what time he went to bed but he was up with the kids this morning and left me to sleep. I appreciate all your help and advice. I feel so sad for him that he can’t stop even when he knows he’s going to lose everything.

[posie]

Hi Danman, do you think buying some drug testing kits is a good idea or will he take offense and see it as unsupportive? He claims he’s not touched it and he is staying home but I just don’t believe him. If he has stopped he didn’t seem to struggle much which I find surprising after how much of a problem he had/has

[lostandalone]

Hi Posie,

I’m sorry to hear your story and all the others recently. So good to hear Danman is on week 4, makes me feel hopefull!

My ex would have the excuse late evening to go to the shop for cigarettes or ‘get something from the car’…

I could see the signs straight away, he would want to shower earlier than normal and then when in the bathroom, the shower would be running for ages before he got in. I could hear him sniffing from outside the door. Then after his shower I would find tiny bits left on the toilet seat (it was degrading to check like that!…but I needed confirmation that I wasn’t going mad if that makes sense). The blatant sneaking around and then lying to my face when I confronted him would kill me, this was the only thing he ever lied to me about in our whole relationship, it felt like an affair, like he was cheating on me and hiding it all the time. Then came the Jekyll and Hyde moments….it completely broke me as I was the only person who received the emotional abuse and he was so good at being passive aggressive whenever our daughter was around.

I made the awful decision to move out with our daughter back in November. It broke my heart to do it but for my mental health and her well-being it had to be done. I can still tell by his moods he is still using (never when he sees her). He has never admitted a problem and makes out it has always been in my head and twists it all back to me.

When I left and was packing I found so many wraps in an old jacket of his, it shocked me to see how bad things had gotten and how much he had hidden but was almost like a sign I needed to make me go, there is nothing I can do to fix him, no matter how much I wish I could, I just end up helping him to carry on.

You should know, this was his second chance, we broke up two years ago for the same thing and after swearing he was clean, 2 months in he was using again. I tried with him for a few more months to encourage him to get help (he so badly needs it) but he kept refusing and said he can fix himself and I should accept him like that and trust he can change but how can you trust that when he kept lying to hide the problem.

Lockdown has made it all a million times harder for so many people. I stayed too long willing him to get better for us and feeling utter guilt at the idea of leaving during this pandemic but it only got worse and in the end something just snapped in me one day and that was it, I had to go.

I truly wish you and anyone else who reads this forum the strength needed to get through and find peace in your life again. It is one of the hardest things to love an addict. You are already a strong and amazing person for getting this far.

[posie]

I’m so sorry you had to go through this also. He also has excuses to nip to the shop late at night. You’re right it is soul destroying, I feel I’m baby sitting him most days and other days I’m his emotional punching bag. I find it so hard to walk away but know inevitably this is what will happen

[danman83]

The toilet is were the most action you will see a coke addict. Also look for white specs on the floor of it. Always here if u need out. Good luck.

[posie]

Thank you for all your help. I wish you the best on your journey, please keep me updated on how you get on and I’ll do vice versa 🙂

[danman83]

OK thanks very much.

[Author]

Posts