[anyfuture]

Hi All

I just wanted to introduce myself and say hello to you all. I’m sad for all of us that we’ve found ourselves on here, but glad that I’ve found somewhere with others who understand how things are. I live with my partner, father of my 5 year old. He’s an alcoholic, 1+ litre bottles of whisky a day. Unemployed now (left weeks ago due to workplace bullying, exasperated by his drinking). Now spends all day in bed, drinking, shouting, often ranting incoherently and generally making family life very grim. He stinks as seldom washes now. Vomits often. I work awful hours, am the only bill-payer, prime carer for our 5 year old, do all the housework and DIY. Most of the time I hate him. I am civil to him but I’m finding that harder. We can no longer have visitors because of his behaviour. I’m aware I should be ‘supportive’, but it’s so hard to love and support someone who disgusts you and has brought such misery and hardship to your door.

Our son doesn’t want to spend time with him, but his dad just starts shouting and ranting if he doesn’t, which leads to a great deal of upset. Thought we had a bit of a breakthrough today when he eventually managed to slur about his problems to the GP. He’s been asked to go to hospital for tests before (again today) , but won’t because is worried what they’ll come back with (should think the news will be terrible). He hasn’t phoned the addiction centre for support. Nightimes are lurching in to my room (I sleep with our 5 year old) with the DTS, incoherent and desperate for alcohol. I’m an enabler I guess, chosing to keep a small bottle of the stuff to get him to go away, prevent having to leave our son with him whilst I go out for booze, and to prevent him having a severe medical episode in front of us. He has no family, anywhere he can go, or anyone else to help him.do I feel totally and utterly trapped in an endless nightmare that I can’t see a way out of until he dies. Some days I wish he would just die quickly, just so we can start to recover from him. Then I hate myself for thinking that. So many emotions, and none of them are good. Sending a virtual hug and hi to you all out there with your own problems, and thanks for listening ????

[jem]

Any future – I’m really sorry to read your story, it’s heartbreaking. No one should have to go through these things. I’m sure that your husband is a good person underneath the addiction but you have a child and yourself to think about. Do you have family or friends that understand your situation and who will help you? I completely get how hard this is, but unless he’s totally serious about kicking booze you need to think about getting out – and I know that in itself is not easy. But you do not want this to be you and your child’s life. I was brought up by a functioning alcoholic and now have a son addicted to heroin. I am so glad that he doesn’t have a child because it’s a whole different level of things to worry about. Please keep coming to the forum but prioritise your child and yourself.

[anyfuture]

JEM, thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. I don’t really have anyone who can help. My parents are elderly and not in the best of health, no sibblings, and friends not aware of what’s going on. The house is in my name only and I pay all the bills. My parents have offered to lend me the money to get legal advice to see if he’s entitled to anything. We’re not married, but I need to be clear, as I’ve asked him to leave before and he told me he’d only go if I paid him. He quite literally has nothing as he earned a lot less than me and his money mainly went on booze. He then begs me to stick with him as he has no one and no where to go. It’s heartbreaking. Therin lies the dilemma, I feel responsible for putting him on the streets to be abused/to die, or our little boy has to continue with it. I did wonder about contacting adult social services, to see if they could offer any advice on any help for him after I ask him to leave the family home? Although he isn’t well enough or coherent, so would have no ability to sort anything out himself. Otherwise I’m back to hoping he contacts the addiction centre, and he says I’m now pushing him too hard and quickly and he can’t cope. I think I’m going to have to stay strong and find a way to get him out of the house. If anyone has any experience of any organisations that can help with re-homing addicts after no longer suitable for them to stay in previous home I’ll appreciate it. I’m away of how terrible that sounds, but no way to sugar coat ???? I’m so sorry to hear about your son, I can’t imagine the worry and what you’re going through. You’re absolutely right, I know I need to find a way and fast to prevent my little boy being damaged (further) by it.

[anyfuture]

This morning I rang 111 after he had a fall (in his room, he doesn’t know what’s going on half the time). They wanted him to attend A&E within the hour. Was OK after fall, because he’s ranting, vomiting, got the DTS. He refused, got really angry with me. I threw 35cl bottle of whisky in his room, packed a bag and myself and son staying somewhere else overnight. He can’t get out for booze, big risk he’ll be in serious trouble. Does this make me evil? I can’t bear the thought of being near him anymore, but will be my fault if something bad happens? Am I negligent? I don’t know how I should feel about this ???? Have to go back tomorrow (plus it’s my house!!)

[jem]

Your situation is awful and I guess he’s in danger if he comes straight off the booze. From my experience, addiction services do very little for family members, I struggle to get them to engage. I would be inclined to do this but I am only guessing at what will work:

Phone the out of hours doctors service and explain your partner is alone in the house and is at risk if he stops drinking abruptly. Tell them you are prioritising your child’s welfare and have had to get out.

Phone local social services and tell them the situation and that you can no longer cope at home with your husband and again make sure they understand you are doing all of the right things to keep your child safe. This is your little one’s home and they deserve not to have to share it with a chronic alcoholic.

I know this is entirely different but when my mum was ill last Xmas and I was splitting my time between her (very demanding) and my son (withdrawing and awful to live with) they put a care package in for my mum within days when I told them what I was trying to deal with.

I’ve also known other people like your husband being put straight into rehab. But I think they have to keep drinking at a certain level until they are taken in.

None of this is your fault, and I’m sure if he was in his none addled and addicted brain he would want you to look after your child. This is too big and you need a lot of professional help. Please don’t try and sort this out on your own.

I would also call Drugfam, who have a really good helpline and will be able to support you with this.

[jem]

Sorry, I would also go and see a solicitor and get a free initial consultation to find out what your rights are and how to proceed in the longer term.

I really hope that you’re able to get help and support with this.

Im thinking of you xxx

[anyfuture]

JEM, thank you! I hadn’t thought of these options, and they’ve given me other avenues to explore. He doesn’t know what day it is, can’t stand up anymore. He thinks I’m taking him to get some blood tests tomorrow, and then he waits to see what the doc says (three weeks on Thursday?), denies he said he’d contact Forward Leeds. I’ve refused to take him for his blood tests, which means he won’t leave the house or will collapse on the drive/get run over. I would manhandle him in to a car and wheel him in the hospital, ranting and stinking as he is, only if he will ring the rehab centre as asked by the GP and as he said he would. Would appear nothing can be done unless he agrees, which is a problem the more delirious and incapable he becomes. And he’s an alcoholic, they don’t do sensible, rational, honest etc. Having a camp out in the conservatory tonight with my son, the whole of upstairs stinks now and can’t face another night of ranting. My son said today he wants daddy to die because he’s horrible! Dear god, what a state. I also told him (well, shouted at him because I can’t bear it anymore), that I’ll be ringing his brother and all his friends to ask someone to come and get him and deposit him at his brothers. His brother is a coke addict, that will be interesting, but at least whatever is left of the man I once knew won’t be here purifying any more. I very much doubt anyone will come and help out, who wants that horror in their life? I’ll ring Drugfam, GP & Social Services tomorrow to see if anyone can come up with anything helpful. To be honest I think he needs sectioning for his own safety, but the bile I received when I offered this as solution to his inaction was frightening. I’ll be letting him know what’s going on, so he still has the choice of ringing the rehab centre for help/hospitalisation or he can be ejected from the house by whatever means I can find, because I will not force my son to watch daddy rot & die before him. We slept over at my parents’ last night for a break. I spent all evening worrying about him, back home early doors to check he was still alive. Tomorrow I’m back at work, trying to manage a busy department and staff, whilst navigating this rubbish and rest of home life. Think I’m going/gone mad most of the time these days. Is your mum better now? What an awfully hard situation trying to juggle their care needs, I can’t imagine how torn and exhausted you must’ve been. I’m so glad that social services helped with your mum. How is your son now? A hug to you, sounds like you have so much on your plate too, I really do appreciate your care and advice. Both are invaluable ???? xx

[jem]

Your situation sounds really hard but stay resolute, you will get through this. Drugfam have been great for me, they are manned by volunteers that have been through this or are qualified addiction counsellors.

My mum is doing better now, thanks, my son is also turning a corner. I remember last Christmas being at my mum’s 60 miles away and she had fallen so I was trying to get her back up and my son was shouting at me down the phone that my partner was rationing codeine tablets which was an affront on his rights. I just wanted to cry. Like you I also looked at getting him sectioned, because he was a real risk to himself, but I was told that these days he’d have to be running around with a weapon before they’d think about that. I think where you will get better traction is that there is a child involved. That’s going to be taken seriously and also because coming off an alcohol problem as bad as your partner’s has to be done under medical supervision. You do need to be firm that right now he cannot live with you. Hopefully he will get the help he needs.

Holding it together at work is really hard, most of the people I work with know there is a problem with my son and are pretty good when things are bad. I run a company and there are days when I just want to get a more low level job that I don’t have to worry about so much, but at the same time I know at some point I’m probably going to have to pay for rehab and that is really expensive.

I have thought about you a lot since you posted. I really hope you get the help you need with this.

[anyfuture]

Hi JRM, thanks again for your words of wisdom and support. They’ve really resonated and helped me with plan forming. Yesterday was a fiasco. GP was coming for a home visit, then chnaged their mind and asked me to take him to the surgery. He soiled himself trying to get out of bed (repeated occurance, now have 2 carpets that need replacing and a mattress). Not well enough to get there. GP then offered to see me at the survery, so I went for a brain pick/cry. They said there is nothing they can do unless he wants help, said they’d provide whatever support I need. So we were no further forward. I’ve moved with my son to my mum & dads until something is sorted. The house stinks (now of bleach as took me 4 hours to get the worst out of the carpets), everywhere is wet or soiled. 5 loads of washing today, towels stacked, floors covered, made my partner put some tena pants on, because I

[anyfuture]

I’m not going through that each day and running out of soft furnishings. Today insisted the GP comes out, or I would leave him in A&E unless someone medically qualified saw him. GP came, examined him (enlarged liver, various other problems I can’t remember name of). He’s taken bloods and will get the results tomorrow. Detox unit is 1-2 weeks’ wait and there’s no way he can last that long. GP said if blood tests came back bad (and he has warned him they will), then will need admitting as an emergency. GP was very firm with him and told him he’s very poorly, the most poorly person he’s seen in a long time, and the options were either I find him dead one day or he accepts help. He also made it clear to him the toll it was taking on my health, and that the situation couldn’t go on. I could have hugged him!! We had a bit of resistance, but I told him I would leave him in A&E if he doesn’t do as the GP tells him. So I have everything crossed, but will not be surprised if we have a mind change again. My little boy is staying at Grandma and Grandad’s tonight. I miss him so much, we’ve never been apart since he was born ???? Bit more worried about daddy needing 999 if I leave him. Will do my best for him until he’s in a medical environment and off my shift as it were. Broke the news to his friends and brother (next of kin) today. A lot of sadness and partner didn’t want anyone to know, but I’ve told him family need to know now and they want to help where they can. Work have been very kind and told me to just let them know when I feel like doing any. They may over-work their staff, but I’m so relieved they’re understanding and sympathetic to the situation. Having a hot chocolate now and giving serious consideration to trying to get some sleep before the nighttime fun begins. Calm before the storm. Hope you’re doing OK x

[jem]

You’ve done all the right things, I’m so glad a doctor has finally come out to visit. It sounds like they will take him in very soon, but you must be exhausted and every hour must be hard going. The stink and mess when someone succumbs to chronic addiction is really awful – they have no awareness of it. I’m really glad that Drugfam were able to help, they’ve put me back together on a few occasions. I think we get so far into an addict’s crazy world, the secrecy, the stress of knowing when they are desperate to use, we lose our perspective on what is normal. I hope when you feel able to, you can get advice from a solicitor on what your rights are and keeping you and your child safe.

I hope you are back with your child soon and that life gets better, you deserve it xxx

[anyfuture]

I’m only a few days in to trying to get emergency care for my partner, but it’s so hard to find anyone who can do anything. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so much to access that you feel no option other that private rehab. It’s a crying shame that support facilities are so poor/non-existent. How is he at the moment?

[anyfuture]

Also wanted to thank you for signposting Drugfam. I spoke to two lovely ladies today, who were incredibly kind. They left a message for me encouraging me to ring back so they could provide ongoing support. You’re right, they are great

[jem]

Thinking about you, I hope you’re okay x

[anyfuture]

Hi JEM. This morning I rang the police to register him as a vulnerable adult because he cannot look after himself now (food, alcohol/liquids), falls if gets out of bed, soiling self. They called an ambulance & along with GP who was clear to him he’s unlikely to last beyond a few days and being out of hospital was no longer an option, he went voluntarily. He’s in liver failure. Arrived in A&E 12pm. Seen finally at 6pm (dear god!!!!!). Agreed he’d be transfered to surgical assessment unit. Never did found out what for as in spite of couple hours of ringing no one answered. 10pm, hammering on parents’ door where I’m staying with my son. Yes, he’d absconded from hospital (we don’t know if discharged self or just run off). £30 for taxi later, he tells me he needs the keys to the house so he can go to bed. I’m afraid I lost the plot this time, will have been very exciting for the neighbours. Made it clear it is no longer his home (I just that minute ended our ‘partnership,’ and the house is mine) and that he would have to apply for access to his son again (he has parental rights, so I know have to go through the legal motions to prevent him turning up at school gates etc.). My parents were deeply upset and my little boy sobbing’ don’t let daddy get me, I don’t want to see him’. He staggered off (falling several times on way), to collapse at end of the street. Police in meantime had been to our address (they were asking neighbours if they’d seen him). Was eventually found collapsed a couple of streets away from my parents house. His hospital bag had been deposited by taxi, so he was out dressed in pair of shorts, t-shirt, no cash or anything else. Last update from police, they were waiting with him for ambulance, but he was refusing to go again. I made clear he cannot come ‘home’ again and there is now a child safeguarding issue thrown in to the mix since he’s trying to get in to my son’s home when he absconds and I must keep him safe. They couldn’t take him in to custody because he’s too poorly. No idea where he is now, but if been outside all night and left hospital again – if ever did go back, will have died of hypothermia. Weather has been foul this pm where I live, heavy rain, winds and cold. Updated his brother and told him he’s now homeless and not my responsibility. Brother refuses to have him as his mother is didsbled, no room and they can’t cope with him. So this is where we are this evening. Don’t know if he’s dead or alive, safe or not. He has lost everything, including the only thing that mattered to him in the end (even then second to whisky), his son. I am living on high alert, now looking over my shoulder to see if he’s lurking around, dreading going back home in case he’s there, or worse, dead on the lawn. I’ve some hospital treatment booked in for today – have a neurological condition, which I can’t put off again. Not sure if my son will be up to school in view of last night’s activities. I now have to see solicitor to legally safeguard my son (not straightforward with alcoholic access), borrowing money of parents to pay. My last shred of pity for him fell away this pm, and if he survives, I will never forgive him for the trauma, chaos, financial and emotional disaster and distress he has inflicted on us. I see nothing of the man he once was left. Upcoming months/years I have nothing but grief and difficulties to navigate and my tank was empty a long time ago. I’m terrified of breaking down as I do feel traumatised by it all. This is what it is for the family of the alcoholic, seldom a good conclusion. Thanks again for being so lovely JEM, especially through your own traumas and sadness. I hope so much that you have a happier future with your son, and that you do manage to access the help that you both need eventually x

[jem]

I’m really sorry that you’ve had all of this to deal with. The overwhelming sadness and stress that comes with watching someone you’ve loved destroy themselves in this way is massive. I hope by now he’s back in hospital and stays there. I know at the moment you can’t see a future for yourself but you will come through this. Right now your completely overwhelmed with everything that’s happened. You’ve done all the right things for him, he was just killing himself by being hidden away in the house. You do need good legal advice on the way forward with this though. Just take it one day at a time. I am off to take my son to a meeting 2 hours away so have to go, but back later. Stay strong xxx

[jem]

I hope that your hospital treatment was okay and that your ex-partner is safely in hospital. You need a period of calm to sleep and start to process everything. It would be good if they keep him in for a while – fingers crossed x

[icarus-trust]

Thank you for sharing your story. Just so sorry to read of the nightmare situation you are in. I hope that your partner can take the help he can receive but wanted to tell you of some support that we could offer you if you are interested.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust that supports people living with addiction in the family like yourself. If you contact us one of our trained and experienced Family Friends would talk with you and let you know what support you could be offered.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this is helpful. Wishing you all the best.

[careaboutyou]

Dear Anyfuture. I am the widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012, we seperated in 2010. Just telling you this, as I understand so well ( unfortunately ) your situation. My Son was 4 nearly 5, when I had to flee the family home.

I feel so desperately sorry for you, it’s outrageous that all the focus is on the addict and that there is no help for the spouse like you, and Mother, holding it all together and paying for everything, working etc, etc.

The dark side of the incontinence, in your case the soiling, in my late husband’s case the urinating. I used to get him to wear a nappy, he could not sleep in the bed, he ruined a mattress and a very expensive sofa, is difficult to talk about. It’s typical of an alcoholic!!

NONE of this is your fault, or YOUR responsibility!. At least you can stay and your child can stay at your Parents. You’ve got to somehow get him into rehab and then put your house on the market to sell. Record everything that’s happening, document it in your diary, so all the times, dates are recorded. I know what it’s like when your in the eye of the hurricane, but you must do this.

My husband was eventually sectioned, and forced into rehab ( by his father ). He was a danger to himself and to others. Although this was private rehab, is there any way that you could raise the funds to send him there, this would be for a Month and in that time you could arrange to get away.

Like me, it’s a no brainer choice that you have to make. Your child or him? You need to get your child out of the environment and you need to get yourself out of the environment, so that you can be healthy to look after your Son.

There is no hope for the alcoholic, he sounds like he is really in an advanced state.

I understand the checking that he’s still alive…. This went on for years. The doctor can prescribe diazepam to break the addiction cycle, but it’s short lived as, when they take another drink it starts all over again.

I’m so glad that you’ve told his friends and family and your work. This was one of the hardest things for me, not telling work and others.

Are you able to afford to rent a furnished flat perhaps? Get away, don’t tell him the address. Remember the alcoholic ( and you do need to realise that the person that you fell in love with is now absorbed by the addiction ), is useless on their own. Any threats that he may make are empty, the furthest he will get is to get to the shop to get alcohol. As you say, he’s a danger to himself……………let him go, that’s not your fault. If he ends up arrested or in hospital…………not your fault. You have to put yourself and your Son first!! He didn’t do that!!!

Really routing for you. Somehow get away, whether it’s staying at your Parents or renting somewhere else? Figure out how to get him out of the house after that.

Wishing you the best. I lived it, and remember, my Son and I survived it!

I now have a normal Partner. You will get through this and live a normal life.xxxxx

[anyfuture]

Hi All. Quick one to thank everyone for responses and care. I’ll try and reply again tomorrow. He’s still in hospital but very poorly, less with-it than end of last week and weaker. Have been told he’ll be in there a while. He was diagnosed with COVID today so being moved off the liver ward. All seems so hopeless. I’m desperately worried for him, I don’t want him to die. Lateral tests for me and son coming back negative so far, although son just started with a cough. Will order test tomotrow, although I need to do financial stuff tomorrow, hope to god I can send him to holiday camp. Drains’s blocked as well, added to tomorrow’s list. I have to stick to my ‘to do’ lost, we can’t be laid low with anything !!!! Night time for us now, it wshig you all as peaceful and restful night as possible ???? x

[anyfuture]

Hi All. Quick one to thank everyone for responses and care. I’ll try and reply again tomorrow. He’s still in hospital but very poorly, less with-it than end of last week and weaker. Have been told he’ll be in there a while. He was diagnosed with COVID today so being moved off the liver ward. All seems so hopeless. I’m desperately worried for him, I don’t want him to die. Lateral tests for me and son coming back negative so far, although son just started with a cough. Will order test tomotrow, although I need to do financial stuff tomorrow, hope to god I can send him to holiday camp. Drains’s blocked as well, added to tomorrow’s list. I have to stick to my ‘to do’ lost, we can’t be laid low with anything !!!! Night time for us now, it wishing you all as peaceful and restful night as possible ???? x

[anyfuture]

Hi All. Quick one to thank everyone for responses and care. I’ll try and reply again tomorrow. He’s still in hospital but very poorly, less with-it than end of last week and weaker. Have been told he’ll be in there a while. He was diagnosed with COVID today so being moved off the liver ward. All seems so hopeless. I’m desperately worried for him, I don’t want him to die. Lateral tests for me and son coming back negative so far, although son just started with a cough. Will order test tomotrow, although I need to do financial stuff tomorrow, hope to god I can send him to holiday camp. Drain’s blocked as well, added to tomorrow’s list. I have to stick to my ‘to do’ lost, we can’t be laid low with anything !!!! Night time for us now, it wishing you all as peaceful and restful night as possible ???? x

[jem]

It was good to hear from you, I thought so much about your situation over the weekend. He is in the best place and that is down to you. I hope that you and your son can relax a little now and get your breath back. Sleeping at night without an addict stalking around is a novelty when you’ve not had it for a while. I hope you can access good legal advice and guidance on welfare issues. There’s lots of help and support out there now it’s not a big secret that you can’t talk about. Take care of yourself and your little one xxx

[Author]

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