[holkat]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 and a half years and we have lived together just over a year. I don’t have my own children but he has 2 sons, 12 and 7. When we met he told me he has had some issues with drinking in the past, but when we met I didn’t think his drinking was an issue as he didn’t drink to excess, just a couple on a weekend. He has had quite a traumatic childhood, losing his mum when he was 11 and his dad then becoming and alcoholic and neglecting him until he left home at 16. He has always worked since then and looked after himself despite facing more adversity and struggles in adulthood. He works as a chef and in the time we’ve been together, I’ve seen how his job has had a really negative impact on his mental health. Working very long hours, on his feel constantly, not getting breaks or a chance to eat some days and I see the toll this took on him all the time we’ve been together. This year he was on furlough for 2 months and he was like a different person, in a good way! He was in a great mood and really looking after himself without the stress of work. He was starting to have a drink more and more often but it didn’t feel like a huge issue then, just a few drinks in the evening. He then went back to work but under more pressure than ever, working in a restaurant with skeleton staff and working 60-70 hour weeks. He started coming home from work every night either already drunk after drinking at the end of his shift, or bringing drinks home and getting drunk at home every single night. Most of the time he would get the train home from work, and I know he would sit drinking on the train to the point where he was really drunk when he got home. I am almost ashamed to say this because it sounds so judgemental, but I was embarrassed that he would sit drinking like that in public, but not to mention terrified in case something happened to him when he was drunk. He then also started drinking on the nights he wasn’t at work.

When I started telling him I was concerned which was in the summer, he carried on but started hiding it from me more and more. I would find cans in the regular bin instead of the recycling, and sometimes would get up in the morning and take recycling out before I got up. He would hide cans all over the house and he would bring cans home but hide them until I went to bed. I’d lie in bed and just hear that sound of a can opening and my heart would sink. I tried to be really supportive, offering to help him get some support, suggesting other things we could do in the evenings, offering to pick him up from work. I have called helplines, I even wrote everything down and sent it in an email because he just refuses to sit and talk about anything for any length of time. I try my best to talk to him in a really measured, supportive, sympathetic way so he doesn’t feel like I’m nagging or annoyed at him, but no matter what I do he won’t talk and he won’t listen. He just walks away, leaves the room, then later on acts like nothing has happened. He still drank every night and just started getting more annoyed that I kept going on about it, constantly telling me he was ‘fine’ and not concerned about his drinking. I worked out at one point he was drinking 40-50 units a week. His work got more and more stressful and his mental health was really spiralling. One night back in October when he’d taken the car to work, he drove home and crashed into a curb, and my car was written off. He said he hadn’t drank over the limit but I don’t know if that’s true. He got home with the wheel hanging off telling me he wanted to die. It probably sounds completely selfish but it was so traumatic for me. I didn’t know what to do that night, I left him to sleep downstairs, I rang the Samaritans hysterical I just didn’t know what else to do. The next day he took the day off work and we did talk, I told him I would give him all the support in the world but it was up to him to get help and I would support him every step of the way. The most I got out of him was ‘maybe’. I contacted the local addiction service, got all the details of what the process is, wrote it all down and gave it to him. Nothing. Didn’t look at it or contact them.

He eventually just left his job in December, handed in his notice with no other job. I actually praised him for it because I couldn’t bare to see him suffering any more, he was so depressed and just wouldn’t stop drinking and I know work was a huge factor, not just because of the immense pressure he was under but because his colleagues all drank every night and he would never ever turn down a drink. I really thought things would get better after he left and he would take a positive turn and stop drinking but that hasn’t happened. Now, I am starting to just feel really upset and angry at him because I now am starting to feel like he is just treating me so horribly and taking me for a mug. I feel like he has no respect for me, he doesn’t care about me or our relationship, sometimes I don’t think he even want’s us to be together anymore but he never says it. He now goes out for a ‘walk’ a number of times a week but comes back 5 hours later and has been drinking, even thought he says he has no money. I ask him when he say’s he going out walking, ‘are you going to have a drink?’ he says ‘no, I have no money’ but then comes back drunk. When the kids come, he takes them for a walk in a couple of local parks, but even then he goes and buys drink and drinks in the park with the kids. He still looks after them and they love going on their walks with him, he doesn’t come back really drunk but again I feel like I am so embarrassed that he sits in the park with his kids drinking. When he’s sober and I try and talk about it, he just gets annoyed and walks away.

At this point I just don’t know what else to do. I care about him and want to help and support him, and I have offered him so much sympathy and support but he has just ignored it. I am angry with him that he just keeps lying to me constantly, I don’t trust him and I feel like an absolute fool and a mug and feel like just leaving him. But now with lockdown and him having no job, I feel so guilty doing that and I even think if I told him it was over, he would just ignore me, or probably wouldn’t be able to move out for a couple of months. I am also really worried about how it would impact the kids, because I have a good relationship with them and it breaks my heart to think I couldn’t be in their lives anymore, as well as how that change will impact them and their wellbeing. Not to mention how guilty I feel even thinking about leaving him when he has an addiction which is an illness, he has mental health issues and what would that make me if I just walk out on him and don’t support him?

Thanks for reading my story, it has felt great to just write it out and to read other peoples story and not feel so alone.

[lindyloo]

Hi holkat, welcome to the forum, no need for you to feel alone. Everyone on this forum has a loved one who has addictions.

It’s such a dilemma to be in…you feel you need to leave for the sake of your own mental health, but would feel you would be abandoning him in his hour of need.

I’m in a different situation in that, it’s my 28yr old son who has alcohol and cocaine addictions. It’s a very stressful situation to be in. The ever changing moods, never having any money, us picking up the pieces and the debt constantly.

It sounds like he was definitely unhappy at his work, that doesn’t help, also losing a parent at such a young age. Poor man, he’s probably suffering from depression and low self esteem. He needs to admit he has a problem unfortunately , only then will he seek help. The AA fellowship are great, so supportive. My son is currently working through the 12 steps with them and is 80odd days clean.

He says it’s the only thing that works for him.

When your bf is ready, you can be there to support him , they need to know that they’re still loved despite their illness.

The adfam homepage offers support as does the Icarus trust, maybe a doctor could help if he has mental health issues.

Sending best wishes to you

Lx

[holkat]

Thanks so much for your response, it really means a lot. It’s such a tough one because I feel like I can really understand where it stems from, he absolutely has low self esteem and has not been treated well his whole life by his dad, his siblings and in other relationships. I always hoped I could be a more positive influence for him because I am a supportive person, I am cheerful and hopeful and ambitious but I just can’t compete with all the terrible things we’ve all been through in this past year.

How amazing that you son has been clean for 80 days! What an unbelievable achievement you must be so proud! I know there is so much support out there for him and he could get so far if he could just admit its a problem and take that step, I can only imagine how scary that would be for him, it just breaks my heart every day that he isn’t there and can’t seem to take that step.

Its the pure guilt I feel as you say, how can I leave him when he is like this, but also how much can I give before I have to put myself and my own future first. It’s just this cycle of sympathy and guilt and anger.

I do my best to try and show I love him and will support him, it’s just hard sometimes when it feels like every day he lies and dismisses everything. I suppose we’ll see what happens but I will keep trying.

Thank you again, it means a lot to know there is support out there and others who have similar experiences.

[lindyloo]

I can tell you are a thoughtful and caring girlfriend, the booze and drugs camouflage their true personality and emotions.

I’m sure he cares for you but can’t think clearly because of the alcohol messing with his head.

Read the other threads too there is great support from people in recovery .

Take care and stay strong ,

Lx

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