[kf]

First time posting on here so this is going to be a long post. My partner and I have been together 8 years. He has been using drugs for 12 years. I was 16 and he was 23 when we started seeing each other. I fell madly in love with him, he was funny, good looking, smart, successful job, intelligent everything I wanted in a boyfriend. I walked around for days with a huge smile bursting with happiness I had found my perfect guy.. Or so I thought! My happiness was short lived when he revealed after a few days of seeing each other that he was on a methadone script. I was only 16 so young and naive to it all. He explained he smoked heroin on and off as well as taking methadone. I was brought up totally against drugs so my parents were nt best pleased when they found out. My mum tried countless times to split us up by stopping me seeing him but as a teen I rebelled and would secretly go out to meet him. We would write love letters to each other. In his letters he would tell me how he desperately wanted to free himself from his heroin addiction and deep down I believed I could change him (silly I know) anyway my parents moved abroad and they made one last attempt to get me away from him. I refused to go I wanted to be with him. Anyway we got a flat together he was still dabbling on and off but the good times outweighed the bad times.
We eventually bought our own house and things seemed to be going really well for us. A month after moving into our new home I discovered I was pregnant, we were both absolutely delighted.
The month before our son was born my partner was made redundant he got a large sum of money which he used some of that for debts. He then went on a total drug binge the weeks leading upto our sons arrival. It seemed like he couldn’t care less drugs were more important to him. Our son was 3 weeks early which I put down to the amount of stress, worry and upset my partner caused in the weeks leading up to his birth. The day I went into labor he left me in agony to go and score, I still to this day struggle to forgive him for that! Anyway our son was born that night with my partner by my side and we were both over the moon with our precious little boy. That night as he was driving home from the hospital he was arrested for possession of drugs he got off with a small fine. When I got back home with our wee boy I woke up one morning to our door being smashed down, I was terrified didn’t know what was going on. It was the police raiding our house, they found nothing as at this point my partner was clean.
After then I started getting flashbacks and had terrible anxiety problems. My partner was clean for a good 8 months I really thought this was a turning point but eventually he got another job and started using on and off again. I suffered with really bad depression tried to commit suicide a few times and went completely off the rails drinking constantly from when I woke up until I crashed out to forget my problems. At this point my partner was clean and made main carer by social work, eventually I got better with time. Our relationship improved and trust was gained again. Last year I accompanied my partner to his monthly visit to the doctors which I hardly ever do, it was then I found out he had been injecting, I was absolutely devasted it was soul destroying to hear those words. He reassured me it was a one off, I couldn’t understand it he hates needles. That and the 5 police visits I had in a week was the last straw. Our son was found unharmed by the police at a main road when I was at the hairdressers whilst his dad was intoxicated with Valium in the house. I moved out my mortgaged property to rent a flat for safety for my little boy, he still seen his dad providing he wasn’t using no unsupervised access though. I moved back to my house at the beginning of the year as my partner was doing well again and things were great. He lost his job last year so has been unemployed since then. Last week he was offered a job which he just started at the weekend. I suspected he was using again and my fears were confirmed last week when I found out he had injected once again. I found him blue and looking lifeless, scared, upset and angry I started panicking shouting at him I really thought he was dead but he stumbled to the bathroom and threw up. The next day we talked he said he was never going to use needles again as he was still feeling ill. He has a problem with Valium also takes 10-20 a day when he’s on a drug binge. All my trust is gone! I’m so hurt it’s unreal and despite all this I still love him… What is wrong with me I have put up with so much shit gave him thousands of chances yet I still can’t give up on him! There is nothing worse than watching someone you love will all your heart going down a road of self destruction with heroin or any drug for that matter… I hate it!! Heroin has destroyed the only love of my life. I don’t expect anyone to read this essay of my life story I just need to write it down, get it off my chest as I have no one to turn to who won’t judge.

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey KF……What a hellish time you have had. The biggest thing I will say after reading your story is what impact has all this had on your child??? You know you cant save him, he has to want to save himself, and no amount of love will change that fact. You may not want to hear this, but I would let him get on with it. Your priority is your child…your son deserves to be in a drug free environment. EVERY time your son witnesses anything to do with drugs it chips away at what he believes to be normal family life…. Hunni theres no doubt you love him, but I bet you love your son too…….He is an adult and has made and keeps making his choice….I really hope there comes a point when he thinks enough is enough……take care xxx

[kf]

Thanks for your reply didn’t really expect a reply. It doesn’t seem to have an effect on my son at this moment in time as I always make sure he doesn’t have contact with his dad when he’s stoned. I always put my little boy first and make alternative arrangements/ decisions when he’s been using. My little boy is definately more a daddy’s boy he absolutely dotes on his dad and when I left his dad last year it broke his little heart. I was bombarded with questions… Questions I could not always answer. It’s hard! I mean what do I say to him? I sure as hell can’t tell him the truth that his father has more love for drugs than us. I suppose I’m scared in a way that my little boy is going to resent me for leaving his dad. I love my son more than life and he’s always my priority. I make sure there is no drugs in the house well apart from his methadone which is stored in a safe with a code which I have the code for too and that’s in a locked cupboard. My partner can go months without using this is what I’m finding hard to deal with and he really doesn’t want to do heroin anymore, he has told me he wants help to get off it. Methadone isn’t helping he has become reliant on it. He has been attending drug counselling and he has spoken to his doctor about doing subutex (don’t know if that’s how you spell it) and has also spoken about this implant thing so I know he wants to give it up. Thing is when he’s not using he is a brilliant daddy to our son as I mentioned above my little boy absolutely adores him. You are absolutely right though I do not want our son turning out like his dad. I sometimes think to myself if my partner used drugs all the time it would be sooo much easier to leave. I do to but I honestly thought me leaving last year would be his wake up call… Obviously I was wrong xxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Im glad he is taking his addiction seriously..atleast he has a chance..addiction is the hardest thing to beat so he will need lots of support and so will you….This group has been a godsend for me, and given me the resolve to get tough! Stay strong sweetheart and DONT drop your guard….it will be hard for him, but keep that support going and pushing him …I know at the end of the day its down to him…the only wake up call will come from him…..he needs to want it enough, and be the dad he should be, cause whilst he is using he isnt being that dad….and it will effect your son, cause kids arent stupid!! Sending hugs and love…take care of yourself and I really hope things get better and there are lots of us here if you need anything xxx

[blondie1]

how are you doing lately m8? i hope ur story is better than mine lol xx

[kf]

Thanks for your advice it’s much appreciated. I don’t know your whole situation but I hope your situation improves too. Addiction is such a horrible thing not just for the person with the addiction but for their loved ones also. Thanks again I’m really glad I found this site xxx

[grannie]

I really feel for you but I am sorry to say the drug will win. I know I have tried every thing for my son he started at 16 smoking canabis then went on to heroin he also will abuse prescription drugs valium sleeping tablets codiene anything he can get . He know how much I love him and how much it hurts but he just keeps going on this self destruct road. He has been on a methedone programme for 10 years . he lives like a tramp in his flat although in his lucid moments he rings to beg food and ask about us all I am too embarassed for him to come to the house and when he does venture up I am embarassed for anyone to see him as he looks the classic junkie ie weighs about 6 stone unkempt clothes, no teeth etc and he was such a lovely looking boy. Its terrible for me to watch. Not only that he has hepatis C and will not keep to any appointment at the hospital. I feel like giving in I am tired of it all but I know deep down it will not stop . Unfortunately the drug will stop him. Sorry this is how I feel xx take care and live your life and let your little boy live his in peace.

[brens]

Ive been with my boyfriend for 4years now; i always suspected that he was n addict; he admitted to being a smoking heroin addict; now that he came out its the worst time of my life! his parents chased him after stealing and i took him in; he now also steals from me; i buy him cigarettes; clothes; food; and he still works as a translator at the university; HOW i dont know? i am finished physically and mentally; he drains every little happiness from me; heroin and drugdealers has become my problem now; i love him but cannot take the lies and deceit anymore; we waiting for a bed at Witrand SA; only 8 beds available; no medical aid: i dont know how long i can still take this? my story about embarrassed feelings well shared with you.

[starrycat]

Hey Kf,

This is literally 6 years later. But I totally relate. Do you still use this site?

[esta]

You say your little boy is oblivious; I can promise you he isn’t and the longer it goes on the more normal it will become.

imagine the horror of finding him foil or needle in hand in a few years time

Hard as it is You need to step away and if he really wants to stop that might be his turning point

It’s really up to you if it changes and what you want from life for you and your son

He has his own decisions and choices to make and so far addiction has ruled the journey

You have given up your family to be with him but he hasn’t repaid you by quitting and giving you the life you deserve yet

Addicts are unfortunately so selfish with money and manipulation it’s mind bending and soul destroying

He has OD on you that’s horrific enough for you to deal with

There has to come a turning point

[Author]

Posts