[AnonJ]

Hi SaoirseJS,

I’m so sorry you are and were going through this.

I have yet to read through this but I wanted to reach out and comment, as I know it’ll take me some time and when I post here I keep coming back to check in – and I want you to know you are not alone.

That “I fucked up” is all too familiar, it is so terrifying. You have been strong to stood by him for so long, and please remember that when they are high they can not see the nightmare you are going through.

It pains me to read you have split up, I can’t imagine how hard that has been on you – but you know what is best for you – you know your limits, and I’m proud of you for taking the steps towards your own happiness! that is what is important.

My partner and I are together, and every time I read here about failed relationship I am terrified. But I am hopefull, and I have faith in him and his actions to stop our own rollercoaster.

Thank you for sharing your story, be strong and have faith in yourself that you deserve a life without these rollercoasters, I will read through this and comment again.

[SaoirseJS]

Hi AnonJ! Thanks for getting back to me. Even just knowing someone is there hearing me means a lot. I get that mine is a lengthy read, so I appreciate you even contemplating reading it.

Honestly, leaving has been the hardest thing I’ve done. I am so desperate to have the man I love back, but I’m not sure if he’s even still there anymore. I have read your posts, and it gave me some comfort to know that despite you “accusing” your partner (of course you would! He has done it before!) – it turned out he in fact had not done coke again. Please don’t feel bad for assuming the worst in him, just be happy that he’s taking the right steps in not doing it. I know if it was me in your shoes, my suspicions would turn out correct with my former partner. There’s never been time he’s been falsely accused. It sounds like your partner is very serious about ditching it. He might relapse again, but the fact he’s gone this time without it, means he’s at least in the right frame of mind. I think the emotional trauma we all go, and continue to go, through is really sad. The only comfort is knowing there’s other people in the same shoes. I want more than anything for my partner to be brave like yours and begin to refuse coke. I just don’t think it’s going to happen with mine unfortunately. His wake up call should have been our baby, but countless times since our son has been here, he’s still prioritised the drugs. I know it’s an illness, boy, I’ve been in the same shoes as they myself a few years back! But I also know in myself, I’d quit for love. I know it’s not as black and white as that for everyone, but I wish it was. 🙁 sending hugs xx

[fayzey]

Hi, so sorry this all sounds so stressful and so much to deal with along with pregnancy/baby/work. My story is similar but not the girls as far as I know (although wouldn’t surprise me at all) – I read something yesterday that said – if someone else took control of your life tomorrow what would they change? And I know deep down I should cut all ties with my now kind of ex for my own sanity – my dad was also an alcoholic, maybe that’s why we end up in these situations? I guess what I have tried to do is remember that actions speak louder than words and yours, like mine, seems to say all the right things very convincingly but ultimately when you look at what they actually do and how they treat you, that’s the reality. I also found that working out a timeline like you have in your post helped me as when things are good, even if it’s only for a short time, it’s easy to forget about the bad times and when you actually look back then it’s easier to see the patterns and that actually the good times which seem long in your head are quite limited. You’re doing great, stay strong and look after yourself x

[SaoirseJS]

Fayzey,

 

thank you so much for responding. As with the other two, I have read some of your responses before writing my own, and yours really resonates! Like you say, the alcoholic father. Even now at 25, I find it unbearable. The mood swings etc, which funnily enough I can see so much resemblance between my dad and my ex. Both have hearts of gold, when sober. But when they turn to the drink (and in my ex’s case, coke), they can become really awful beings. Whether that’s when intoxicated, or the day after. It’s horrible! It’s like I’m in a living hell being at my parents (thank God for my mum though), but equally, at least I’m safe from the worser hell of the home I shared with my ex.

like you say, I think we are susceptible to addicts. I don’t even think it’s as though our partners seeked us out because of this. However, I really do think that we have become overly-forgiving with our fathers which means we are overly-forgiving of everyone. We know that both our partners and our fathers are inherently good people. We know that it’s the alcohol and drug abuse that make them this way. However, being the romantic partner is far worse than the child in our situations. Which I think is why I can’t bare to see my son go through what I did, walking on egg shells, knowing that my mum (and what could be my sons mum) is hurting really bad.

sending lots of love and hugs xx

[paw_x]

Hi Saoirse,

What a time you’ve had of it & what an amazing, strong woman you are to have gotten through all of this while pregnant & then raising your son. Please don’t feel embarrassed – and don’t ever feel that you aren’t enough. This is his problem and you did nothing to cause it.

My partner is also an addict (also cocaine – he was 3 years sober with me and relapsed from last year) and currently going through recovery. He’s not living here and we are spending less time together as his focus has to be on recovery – this is his fight, not mine. He needs to be around his sponsor and his allies in CA, and I need to focus on me and healing from this.

Your partner’s mother’s attitude is simply to protect her boy, though I am a bit disgusted she doesn’t have the same feelings towards her grandson, who I would have thought deserves a stable family home as well! But this might make it easier for you to have a clean break, start afresh with your son and rely on nobody. I hope his family are decent enough to help you when it comes to the supervised contact arrangements. Don’t be bullied into anything you and your son are uncomfortable with, you’ve been through enough.

You can do this, and I know it’s hard but try to resist the urge to allow contact, as it’s so easy to end up being manipulated and guilted into giving them chance after chance. He should know by now he has a problem, and if he doesn’t, you can’t make him see this. He needs to get himself into recovery, start going to meetings, and sort himself out. What you need is calm, to focus on you and your boy, and to heal from all the hurt you’ve had to deal with. Keep your friends and family close for any support you need, do the things you love, and try to get your self back over time. Take care x

[SaoirseJS]

paw_x , I am so glad to hear from you. I was reading your story yesterday and how your partner has been sticking to his sobriety and is desperate to come home! Good for you for staying strong and loving him at a distance, but I am also really happy for you that he has been sticking to sobriety and is also adamant that he still wants to be in your lives.

I keep thinking to myself… if he had lasted a little longer sober, I could have probably and would have probably stuck by him. Stayed in the home, knowing the cycle would break at some point. Knowing he would relapse. All I wanted was some evidence of him trying to get his act right, and yet I just feel like he’s dipped at the first hurdle. He went to one session and dipped, a few weeks back now. I feel like he’s not even TRIED to get better. That’s what has hurt me so much this time. I think also his cold nature, not even stopping me from leaving. I am glad that I did go, only because I wanted him to face the consequences of his actions. But I can’t help but feel heartbroken that he didn’t even try to stop me. I feel like these last two years I have just felt like I’m not good enough, and now I feel like my son isn’t enough in his eyes either 🙁

I totally hear what you’re saying in regard to his mum. She’s just looking out for her son. Like you say though, why not the same respect for her grandson? She knows I find it really hard to be at my parents house because of my dads drinking. She even threw it in my face when we argued about how I managed to stick by my dad still despite his drinking. Thing is though, I didn’t choose to stick by my dad. I still love my dad from a distance. We share the same home, but share few words. I do love my dad, but I’m still reeling from the pain he’s caused and continues to cause my family, especially my mum. I am now in my mums shoes in the story of my partners coke addiction. My son is now in my shoes. I know if we continue this cycle for the next 25 years, he’s going to have that resentment towards his dad like I do with mine. Knowing my mum deserved better. It’s easier to stand by an addict that’s a parent, than a romantic partner. As the romantic partner of an addict, you really see it all. You hide most of the bad from everyone, and those that see the bad, you’re trying to convince them that the addict you love is really good. But it eats away.

I haven’t heard anything from any of his family, although we were supposed to be talking about child maintenance today. (Their idea, not mine). It’s all gone quiet on that front. For them to not even ask how my son is doing, I find bizarre and upsetting. My partner (well, ex) hasn’t even attempted to reach out through his mum to make sure his boy is ok. I guess they figure that I’ll be taking good enough care of him. It still hurts though, I’d be asking everyday if my son is ok personally.

I don’t know whether it’s my fault for having him blocked or what… but it’s not like he doesn’t know where we live, it’s not like he can’t go through his mum to check. It’s just soooo cold, and makes my heart ache for both my son and myself. I’m starting to think if the good person I thought he was, was just a facade. Was it all an act? Is he actually a narcissist? I know for some people the latter is ultimately true. With my ex though, I don’t think it is. He’s just let this illness bury itself in his body. I know he’s sick, but he’s allowed for the sickness to take over his former self. I wish I had even just a smidgen of love from him again.

 

truth be told, after reading how many people discovered their addict partners resorted to prostitutes, I’m starting to think maybe my ex did too. It’s been playing on my mind today how he said he had used brothels before we got together. I can’t believe that didn’t raise alarm bells in my head, at the time I was just thankful for his honesty. Now, I just think I am an idiot! He’s likely been using them since the relationship too when on the coke, especially when he worked away. I can’t be sure, I know he won’t admit it, heck he hasn’t even admitted to half the things I have evidence for! But there was definitely a reason my midwives kept making me take STI/STD tests. Thankfully they came back negative. But jeez… why is his real self stuck inside that demon he’s become? I feel like it’s being amongst the living dead, he has a demon called cocaine that’s taken over his body, and slowly but surely the real him is dying a little each time. I will always love him, I really will. I know I must sound young and dumb at 25, but I think you know when you’ve met the love of your life. He definitely is mine. It’s just sad that the story only has one way out. Xx

[paw_x]

At 25, you still have most of your life ahead of you. And I don’t think you get only one love of your life, it’s definitely not over!

I don’t think your partner gave up, though I know it feels like that. I think he hasn’t been ready, hasn’t realised the extent of his problem, and hasn’t realised the grip it has on him. My biggest mistake was that last year when mines told me he had slipped up, trusting him when he said he’d sort it and letting him live in the home as normal. He was then able to do a couple meetings, never talk about them again, and continue deeper into his addiction while I was clueless. The only thing that made him get better now was the wake up call of him losing his job, losing me, and having to move back in with his Mum. I only kicked him out as I finally lost it after he had spent a week “going to meetings” but I discovered every day he had withdrawn piles of cash from the joint account – that he had secretly ordered a card for. I wish I had done that at the start and maybe it wouldn’t have reached the level it did. For him, it was either get better or you have nothing left. It seems ridiculous it takes that, but that’s how strong it is. And even when they realise, they have to really fight for it. A lot of them won’t make it.

I was planning a family with my addict and now I’m grieving what I don’t think I’ll have. (I have an already grown daughter who I had when I was very young, but I was excited to do it again with a bit more wisdom!) He often says to me that he would never have done what he did if we were expecting, but that’s a lot of rubbish. There’s addicts who will let go of their babies, their families, their everything, as the drug will always come first no matter the consequences. Even if he ends up sober for years after this I’ll be forever terrified of my world collapsing again.

Mines was never into brothels or other women but I think it probably depends on who he was before the drug. We do still have our fair share of trust issues as when someone has lied to you for a year, what is there to trust!

I’m glad he hasn’t been in touch recently as that makes it easier. It’s likely he will try and contact you and that’s when you need to be strong and make sure there’s boundaries in place so that you’re comfortable. Even if he realises what he’s done & wants to go recover, great, he can go do that, get to meetings every day, but you need to focus on yourself.

Stay strong x

[SaoirseJS]

Hey again!

 

thanks for the lovely words as always. I know how you feel – you wish you never gave them that last chance to cause pain! I’m glad yours has actually started the road to recovery – like you said, it’s sad they really have to lose everything before they realise! Reading some other peoples stories who ended up with a crack addiction, and losing everything AND still using scares me. I imagine it pains you so much knowing that he couldn’t see the light of day until he lost it all. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if mine will see the light even now he’s lost his family unit etc. he’s had so many (what seemed like) rock bottom moments, manages to wrangle his way out of those, then continue to the cycle.

 

I know you’re probably a little older than me, so you can ignore my advice if you wish, but please please please if I only get one message to you, please don’t have a baby with that man, not unless he’s actually recovered (but who knows how long that will take! You deserve to be happy!). My partner always said that having a baby would make him better, give him reason to stop the drugs etc etc, massive conversations about how it would give him a purpose. Obviously, you know by my story that this wasn’t true. Your partner does seem morally a lot better than mine (i.e, no women), so I can see why you might toy with the idea of the family. However, from my own experience, even though I think my partner meant what he said, he didn’t follow through. I don’t want you to go through the same thing again of raising another child on your own – although by the sounds of it you did an amazing job with your daughter!

 

who knows what will happen, his mum sent an apology today, not for the accusations but for raising her voice. I haven’t replied yet, feel too sad to do so. I feel like I’m grieving a family unit that I once had, it’s as though all these people have been taken from me, because of cocaine. Whilst I do feel sad, I feel better about my decision to walk away today. I do notice I keep looking at the clock, wondering what my partner is doing though….

 

speak soon x

[paw_x]

Oh I know having another child is no longer on the radar for me. Even if he was to recover – he recovered before for 3 years then messed it all up, so will it always be in the back of my mind waiting on my life falling to bits again?! It’s horrible because he’s wonderful with kids, his nieces and nephew love him, my daughter loves him. But he chose to throw our lives away while we were in the middle of buying a beautiful new home, he let me run myself ragged doing everything on my own, I made myself ill. I asked him over and over for a year – do you have a problem as we can pull out of this house, please tell me, I can’t pay a big mortgage on my own. He lied every time. Him doing that showed me he would do this no matter the circumstances – baby or no baby.

I never say never as I took him back after he recovered the first time, so I do think people can recover. But I don’t exactly have a success story 3 years down the line! But I’ll always advocate that you as the partner need the time and space to think clearly and to move forward with your own life without them. It’s too hard to think clearly with their influence around you and they need to realise what they’ve lost. You take your time and if you don’t want to reply to people or deal with it one day, just don’t. You’re allowed to make up your own rules and your own boundaries to protect your own well-being after everyone you’ve been through. His Mum likely knows what you’re going through but she’s probably  like the rest of us and has no idea how to deal with it x

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