[addgg13]

I had been drinking heavily for years but of course this was acceptable (going out etc).

Occasionally drugs were involved. Ecstasy in the late 90’s and into the millennium and then cocaine.

I met my wife (now ex) and had 2 wonderful children. This was during and after miscarriages, house moves, business start ups and holding down other jobs. I was stressed but handled it badly. On paper I had everything but I was drinking and then started using cocaine as an escape.

It’s a blur what went on but I became a liar and extremely irritable and looked for any excuse to get cocaine. I loved my wife and children (still do) more than anything but I wasnt the husband or father I should have been and I regret every single last thing.

It’s been 2 years since the split. I see my children and am starting to get on with my ex wife again but I live with depression and regret every day. She is now engaged to another guy who lives in my old house with my two young children and it hurts like nothing else.

I am completely sober now but live wishing I could change the past. I’ve been lucky. I’ve still got a good career, I see my kids and I’m alive but I WISH I could be back with my family again and show them all I have changed. I’ve lost friends, family and a wonderful life due to evil drugs and having to rebuild.

I’m here if anyone needs to chat

[mo229]

Hi Addgg13,

First of all, well done for getting completely sober, you sound like a huge inspiration to many and I can’t imagine how tough it’s been. I think a lot of us on here would give anything for our partners to have done what you have, and also realise your mistakes too. I’m sorry to hear you have lost your wife, I think she probably had got to her ‘breaking’ point a while ago and decided to move on. That’s not to say now though you cannot do the same. You will feel immense hurt for the life you have lost, and I think she will still care a lot, and you can only do what you are doing …keep proving to her you are sober and you have changed, but in the meantime don’t hang on to the hope you will get your family unit and ‘old’ life back, I’m a great believer in everything happens for a reason, so maybe if you went back to your old life, it may trigger you to relapse further down the line. I think the best thing you can do now is start a new leaf, try to keep focusing forward on the things YOU want to do with your new sober life, and I’m sure you meet someone along the way who will make you just as happy, if not happier. It’ll take time but you should be proud of yourself for getting this far.

For me, I’m trying to do the same but on the other side of things. My partner left me very suddenly a few weeks ago after relapsing on alcohol and coke, after a year of being clean. He had a complete personality change, has become very withdrawn and cold and doesn’t even want to know me anymore… when only just weeks ago we were very happy together and he always told me how much he adored me. I haven’t heard from him since and it’s now been a month. I know I’m essentially dealing with two different people, and I’m having a real hard time grieving the loss of the loyal loving guy I had just weeks ago. For us ‘non-addicts’, it’s hard to understand how if someone loves you, how you can just switch so quickly and suddenly have no emotion, but I have to keep remembering when in the grip of things, he can’t control his desire to satisfy his addict, even if it means pushing loved ones out of the way. I’m not sure if he has left me to carry on using or to concentrate on getting back on track, but I know I just have to leave him to it now regardless of how I feel.

The only thing I can do, like what I said to you, is to just keep looking forward and not on the things we have lost. Easier said than done I know. For me, I know that my boyfriend will probably take some years to be completely clear headed, luckily no children or shared properties are involved so I guess it makes it easier to walk away. And I know deep down I should, but it’s so hard because I know the sober him loves me very much and wants a future with me. But I also know I deserve better than being treated like this everytime he fancies a binge or whatever. I know there is someone else out there for me, and you should remind yourself of this too. All hope is not lost, you are healthy and clearminded now, you have beautiful children and you now have every opportunity to build another wonderful life.

I hope this helps somewhat 🙂

[addgg13]

Thank you for taking the time to message.

I know for a fact he loves you and that he is now influenced by the past and what has happened that has caused him to do this. You do deserve better but please know that he never intended on hurting you. It takes control and alters the mind and turns people into someone they are not but gradually so it’s very difficult for the person using to realise.

I lost my way and I honestly dont think I would have corrected myself by staying in the same situation. If any good has come from this, it’s that i am now sober and have no intention whatsoever on going back to the thing that ruined my life.

Yes we must concentrate on the present and the future because we can not change the past. It’s easier said than done though!

I have a very respectable job and am a decent person who unfortunately, cares a great deal about what others think of me which i hope in time changes some current perceptions of me.

My ex is happy i believe and has moved on. You will do the same for sure. Concentrate on yourself and other things will fall into place.

Take care

[mo229]

Thank you for that, it was nice to hear things from someone who understands. We were so happy and had so many plans this year that we had both waited so long for, so it’s so confusing that now he is just acting like he hates me, he won’t see me at all and even when I tried to stand up for myself he was pretty nasty, saying he doesn’t love me anymore, i’m selfish, needs to be on his own etc. The only way I can swallow what he’s said is he’s trying to push me way by being horrible as it’s easier, rather than just sitting down and having an honest conversation with me. If he had just said ‘I love you, but for my sobriety right now I need to be on my own’, I would have understood. It’s just the nastiness of it all.

I know what you’re saying has truth, and I have wrote this in a letter to him. We have had a lot conversations where he’s opened up to me about how it’s almost like the devil takes over and doesn’t know how to control it. I’m almost holding onto the fact that if and when he gets back on track he will come back to me and realise what he has lost, a bit like your situation, but I know I could be waiting for a very long time, if never, and really I don’t think I could ever trust him again (this is the second time he’s done this now, I have already forgiven once).

You sound like a really decent bloke who just got lost for a while. It’s great that you have recognised the damage drugs and alcohol has done to your own life and others around you and you’re trying to fix it. Most addicts never see the damage, or they do but the addiction will always be the priority no matter the consequences. The fact that you are so set on never letting it ruin your life again puts you in the great stead to finding happiness again. I understand it’s hard letting go of what you have lost, but new doors open and as you said, you would never have corrected yourself if things had stayed the same.

Thanks for taking the time to listen and respond.

[kel1]

Reading your story Addgg, made me sad for a few reasons. Getting clean is no easy task so good on you. Ive read alot on here from the families perspective (non user), so it’s refreshing reading your story as it gives an insight of the “other side”. You talk about regret, I’m guessing it’s like looking at your family and reflecting on how that should/could have been you. I suppose what upsets me is that so many families lives are ruined when substances are involved. My own family has been destroyed by cocaine – I absolutely hate that drug. It’s been six months for us, and he is far from the man I once knew. Sadly I think eventually he will regret everything also, which I think is the most heartbreaking of all. I felt compelled to say something to you, because I just think it’s all so very sad. I’m pleased you see your children, and I hope you stick with the sobriety.

[addgg13]

Thank you for taking the time to message.

I will 100% continue to be sober. I lost my family unit and old life but there is no way I will let it take anything else.

I really hope that he can somehow turn it around and realise what he is doing. He should read these messages and try to understand what he is putting you through, what he has to loose and then the life that is to come if he throws it all away.

Yes, the regret is there with me constantly, along with huge amounts of guilt for my children not having their daddy living with them and being there for them as much as I should or could. I now realise, by reading these stories, the pain and hurt I put my ex wife through. She gave me enough chances but I wasnt well enough to see or realise what I was doing.

I took my eldest for his first bike lesson today so I’m focusing on positive things.

Take care

[kel1]

My ex has changed completely from a loving loyal family man to an absolute monster. We was together 22 years. No issues other than normal family life ups and downs. Then he took this drug and everything changed. He is emotionless, cheated on me and become unrecognizable. It’s sad because I know this isn’t him. I don’t think he understands what’s going on himself as he just looks confused, however blames me for EVERYTHING. He won’t read all this because he doesn’t see he has an issue and on top of that seems to lie about his drug use – says he ain’t got an issue. I got the old classic lines about not being in love and all the rest of it. I’m tired of blame – I mean how did I make him cheat on me, lie constantly and become nasty! I didn’t change he did. At first I couldn’t eat, sleep, cried for days/weeks/ months and my hair fell out. Hurt is definitely a word Id use.

We wasn’t even his rock bottom. So now the basement will have to catch up with him one day.

All I can do is look after our two girls and rebuild my life.

I’m sad for my family and yours and all the families that have broken down due to cocaine or whatever substances.

Pleased you’re adamant you wont use again, and that it no longer controls your life.

Cocaine is the road to ruin.

PS That’s nice to hear and I’m sure you’ll go on to be the father your children deserve

[mo229]

Cocaine really is the road to ruin, how it can change the kindest most loving and loyal people to the complete opposite in a flip of a switch is beyond me. I wish there was more awareness into the destruction it causes. It’s devastating because even when they get clean and swear they never want to use again, it only takes the smallest of trigger (in my ex’s case) for it to take control again. You are doing right by you and your family, you certainly don’t want your kids around that especially whilst he’s still denying there’s a problem. You have a great support network here, I read this forum every day and it gives me some comfort. Take care of yourself x

[kel1]

Thank you for those kind words. It’s really difficult seeing someone’s you once knew turn into something really unkind and nasty. Complete personality change. I’m left picking up the pieces while he is doing God knows what and hiding behind blame.

It’s put me off people and certainly made me less trusting of others

[Author]

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