[cherryb]

Hi all, really could do with some advice from those of you who have been where I am now.

Husband is a cocaine addict, I’ve posted previously. He can’t stop using it at weekends. Nothing is changing.

I love him but right now I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I don’t feel well. I don’t feel strong. I have mixed feelings for him. I am unhappy.

He was using again at the weekend after having a weekend off. He is now saying he is just going to do it recreationally and will cut down.

I’ve told him He makes his own choices, he knows how I feel and that I’m done worrying about him and letting this affect me (but it is so much) I have also laid down boundaries – no more cocaine in the house ever – it’s a deal breaker and I won’t accept it any longer. We have children.

He can be lovely at times, it’s very confusing but our relationship has changed and the damage is done. I’m finding it hard to live with this.

This is affecting me, as much as I am trying to focus on myself it’s all consuming at times. Is this normal?

I know in my heart I can only change things for me. I feel guilty for considering a separation. So many mixed feelings. I’m scared and sad.

My question is, If he doesn’t get help or want to stop there isn’t any Hope right now is there?

If anyone can relate to this and give me advice I would really appreciate it. I know I need to make decisions myself and will, but could just do with some advice from those who know where I am right now.

[zoeg]

Hi CherryB

I can relate to this, although I’m in a fairly new relationship it’s still painful and grim to see my partner taking coke on a weekend (and sometimes mid week).

If you’ve told him how you feel and he still continues you have to accept you can’t change this – which then comes down to how long do you want to live this life?

I have given up asking my partner to quit, he’s been taking for 20 yrs, he aint gonna stop now! He’s said he’d only stop for me but someone needs to want to stop for themselves and I don’t know about your husband but my partner has literally said, “I don’t give a f***” To my mind this is a hopeless situation.

I’d advise having that conversation with him, if he doesn’t want to get treatment then he’s not going to stop.

Also, he may tell you that taking it once a week isn’t a big deal – but it clearly is as it changes their behaviour which impacts on those closest to them. Just my thoughts.

[cherryb]

Thanks ZoeG, I really appreciate your response and thoughts on this. Yes your right, he needs to want to stop and nothing will change unless he gets to that point – if he gets to that point.

My husband hates the fact he is dependant on it. He admits he has a problem. He continues to do it and we do all suffer.

This is what is hard. I have been with him 20 years. I suppose it depends on how much I am willing to take and put up with.

Thank you again for responding, I wasn’t in a good place earlier. It’s been a rough weekend but trying to get myself together! X

[zoeg]

I can recommend reading some articles by a therpist called Darlene Lancer. She speciaises in co-dependent relationships including those with an addict and you might resonate with some of what she advises. Not sure if I can link here but you can look for https://whatiscodependency.com/ and search for the blog section on her site. I found that some of her articles were helpful for me.

[cherryb]

Thank you ZoeG, I will take a look x

[kran91]

In the same situation been with him 10 years, many times said he will stop but never does, this will be the 5th time Iv found out his told me his stopped, but still going to meetings (or so he says!) etc but still doing it, we also have children, I just feel num on the whole thing but know I can’t keep doing this feels like it’s going round in circles it’s only been 5/6 weeks since his last “relapse” or whatever you call it he has a drink on a weekend and admits his using!, but come during the week he expects me to just ignore the “problem” and pretend I’m okay and everything is all good to our family & friends children, just feel like an idiot bringing it up time and time again to family/friends it’s embarrassing! But feel like I have no one to talk to who completely understands how I’m feeling.

[cherryb]

Hi Kran91,

I wrote a long post back to you but it has not submitted. Thank you for replying X

You are not an idiot for speaking to people, you need support and it’s important you have people you can talk to.

It really is a lonely place at times isn’t it?

People on this forum understand and I get everything you are saying. It’s a cycle and can get really tough at times.

I am seeing a counsellor and this has helped me so much. I realise I have choices, but not ready to make any yet, hoping for a calm Christmas.

It is a sad reality to see from your post that even when they are accessing support, relapses will happen.

We are very good at putting on brave faces and keeping things as normal as we can but I know how draining and heartbreaking it is too.

I am trying to focus on myself more. Stop researching, questioning and making myself ill with it but it always depends on his behaviours.

I know I will have to eventually decide if I can live like this forever if he chooses to continue this path.

I wish you all the best as you deal with all this.

I hope you have a good Christmas, take care of yourself as well x xx

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