[debc]

Hi all, need to get this off my chest, this is my first time of actually reaching out to people who are in the same situation.

My Son who is 29, has been in Rehab twice this year, for Alcohol and Cocaine addiction. He went 100+ days clean the first time, but unfortunately relapsed. He went back to rehab (not the cheapest option, but a wonderful place), he done his 28 days and then went to a “dry house” for 4 weeks, has been at home for about 2/3 weeks now.

It has been a lot better, he has been calmer and more helpful and so much better with his daughter (she lives with her Mum, but we have lots of contact).

He has been doing meetings everyday, sometimes twice a day, he has a sponsor, to enable him to go through the 12 steps of recovery.

I went out with friends last night, I felt really nervous about going, but he reassured me that he would be fine. He sent me a txt and said that he had had a drink, no drugs, so I came home, we chatted, no good getting angry, I find that this does not work.

He has not come out of his bedroom today, probably feels ashamed and guilty, and me, I just feel very confused.

I know that this is an illness, but he has been so positive, it’s like a slap in the face again. I know that I could never go back to living the way we lived before, think that would just about break me now.

I have read a few of the stories and can relate so much to them.

Thank you for reading.

[lindyloo]

Hi debc

I just sent a post but it’s on another thread. I’ve just read your story. My 27yr old son is the same. My heart is broken with all the stuff my family has had to go through at least 10yrs.

I truly hope the rehab works fir your son.

I feel I can’t move on with my life until he’s moved on and happy in his life .

Thank you for sharing

Lx

[debc]

Hi, I replied to you on the other post, thank you for reading, it’s great to know we can share our stories.

Like you I feel that my life is on hold till he sorts his out.

Dx

[bt1978]

Hey deb

With addicts it’s all or nothing, I know because I am one and this is how I think. He probably feels ashamed and guilty. Obviously abstinence is key, but focus on all the good stuff he had done here and try to relay that to him. Definitely don’t give up, this is a lifelong battle one day at a time.

[debc]

Hi BT1978,

Thank you for replying.

He does feel ashamed and guilty, and I tell him that it’s a blip and to get back on track the next day.

I think you have it so right when you say, it is a lifelong battle, hopefully one that he wins.

Take care

D

[danman83]

Hiya deb, I’m struggling with a cocaine addiction, I’m 2 weeks clean today. You probably know this anyway, but alcohol is the main trigger to get coke, I can have drink then I’m texting dealers.

So your son shouldn’t drink at all. Not after putting all that effort in anyway. He’s done well. Do you think he got some coke then?

Another thing what I’ve learned is, when I have been clean for 2 or 3 month. I think it’s OK to have a drink. I’m cured now, what a big mistake. Cocaine is a sneaky drug, it’s like a devil and angel on each shoulder saying, get some, don’t get some.. Constantly. Your brain is that clever, it can stay silent for a few week, then put you into situations we’re you can get coke. As it’s craving coke.

I personally think you have to be clean for a good year before you think you can be alright.

If your son has lapsed. Tell him it’s not the end of the world, it’s just a little blip and get back on track. It’s part of recovery. He’s done well so far. But if he’s telling you he’s OK at 2 3 month clean and he’s having a drink. I’d put my foot down and say no, but that’s up 2 u. Good luck

[debc]

Hi Danman83,

Thank you for replying and well done on being clean for 2 weeks, that’s a great start.

My Son tells me about his head and telling him to have one drink, it will be fine, that must be awful to deal with for anyone.

I told him it was just a blip and today is another day, he has been into meetings today and spoke to his sponsor.

I hope your recovery journey goes well.

Take care.

Dx

[lindyloo]

Danman you should be so proud of yourself. Im sure you’ve read my posts too.

My son also told me that alcohol is the trigger so complete abstinence is the only way to beat the cycle.

My son was doing so well last year, attending meetings, contacting his sponsor doing the 12 steps. We were lured into a false sense of security. Didn’t realise they could relapse.

He’s really angry at me today. Saying I’m uncaring not helping him. Not being a mother to him. He’s refusing to take the groceries I got for him, he said he doesn’t want any more contact with me

I’m so low. I tried to contact him again but he’s ignoring me.

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo loo,

I would leave him today, which I know is hard, but I know from experience it doesn’t do any good and they just get more angry.

Sometimes we just have to think of ourselves for a change, but they are always there in our head and our heartS.

Dx

[danman83]

Yes I’ve read your post but I couldn’t remember if I wrote anything, because I reply to a few, sorry I was not being ignorant lol.

I told my mum everything 1 morning when the coke was wearing off and I felt suicidal, and depressed, I know it’s heartbreaking for you it was for my mum. She was texting me everyday and helping me, and I stopped for 3 month. But now it’s back to every 2 week. She still thinks I’ve stopped and I can’t tell her it will break her.

He’s talking rubbish don’t let his nasty comments bother you, you wouldn’t be on this site if u didn’t care, there is only so much you can do.

What made him relapse?

I wouldn’t worry about it lads always come back running to their mums. Just send him a text everyday let him know you are there if he needs you.

[lindyloo]

Thanks debc, I’ll do that .I’m exhausted, and my head is all over the place.

Thanks again for your support, it really means a lot to me.

Lx

[lindyloo]

Thanks for your reply, it means a lot to me. I’m trying to understand what’s going in his head.

He’s managed 3 months clean before with support from his meetings and sponsor.

He spent most of lockdown with us..he wouldn’t have coped on his own otherwise. Hes got a good job and worked from our home.

He got WiFi in then went home.

Its a pattern now, he gets paid then goes off the rails for a few days and blows his wages over 7-10 days. Then comes to us for cigs, food petrol to sub him, til next pay day.

He said he lapsed cos he’s a young guy and he’s lonely and wants to go a drink like other people.

It’s good to hear your advice and support coming from a person in recovery and really trying hard not to lapse.

I think he may have mental health issues, but i don’t know what he’s doing to address it. He says its his business and he’s dealing with it.

I hope and pray all the time for him and others in same situation and their loved ones. My husband and i are exhausted and I understand it’s not easy him too.

Any advice is welcome, and thanks for reading my ramblings.

I’m not sleeping well either these days.

Lx

[danman83]

Don’t worry about rambling it helps me as well. That’s what this site is for. It’s hard to tell people about your kids being on drugs I imagine.

How old is he?

He does have a point, if he is young and he has to stay sober and clean and everyone else is out. Ive sat down myself numerous times telling myself no matter what I can’t have a drink again or go anywhere. I know that there is a lot more to than just doing these things, I guess it’s just getting use to it. Plus you have to cut everyone off who uses and drinks, it’s a nightmare. You always get tested as well.

You can be 2 month clean and bump into someone who sells it, and you see them somewhere we’re you have never seen them their before,and you get some off them. It’s everywhere cocaine now,

I can get some dropped off in 10 min.

So what is his situation now? Is he using everyday? Or how often and how much does he spend?

I know its hard for you but you have a life as well, just try and get some rest, I know it’s easier said than done, but it will make u ill as well.

[lindyloo]

Danman83 thanks for your reply.

I haven’t told my elderly parents or sisters about him. They’d worry about me. It helps to read advice and support on this forum.

I have told a close friend, so that helps.

He’s almost 28. I reckon he’s been dabbling since he was 15. The state of his room, him unkempt and untidy looking, always skint but has a good wage. He gamboled too a while back. I think he stopped that.

His meetings and sponsor told him to break away from his drinking buddies – some have been friends since school. But those guys know when to stop.

I know he gets lonely too, lives on his own has not been lucky with his choice of girlfriends.

Regarding cash spent on drugs/alcohol , he can get paid end month, and by 10th of month hes skint. He says he’s got debts to pay , and it leaves him with very little that’s when he contacts us for help. as we’re getting fed up with this routine, we withdrew a bit and that’s when he went mental at me at the weekend. Says he doesn’t want any contact any more, as we’re not supporting him when he needs us.

I think he’s probably taken out another loan now. Vicious cycle again, just when we had paid some for him and consolidated them into a monthly repayment back to us.

Can’t stop thinking about him.

I’ve been texting him daily as you suggested, no reply though.

Lx

[danman83]

That’s exactly what it is, 1 big vicious cycle, same patterns, each week. I hate it what it does you.

What exactly support does he want? Have u asked him? Because if its money that really is not your problem if he’s not spending his own money wisely.

I’ll be honest it’s not good him living at home on his own, if he has a coke problem and trying to quit. For example.. If it was me and I had some I would be getting it till I couldn’t. I know people that are up for 3 days that are on it. Doing this would make u really lonely when it’s wearing off. I’m OK I have my gf and I give her my phone and car keys to limit my options in getting it.

Having cocaine effects your dopamine levels in your brain as well, do you know what this is? How how it works?

Regarding the texting at least you are trying. Can u speak to a friend to see if he’s OK.

[lindyloo]

It wouldn’t surprise me if he did 3 days on the trot. I think hes done it before. We paid of huge debts for him last year when we confronted him. About £2500 , then, he’s accumulated more since then too. He just works to pay these debts. It was after that he got Ca and aa support, managed 3 months clean, until a broken relationship triggered him again.

We don’t give him cash but we buy groceries, cigs and petrol, when he’s nothing left.

When I met him last week to give him cigs, and he wanted a hug, but i was worried about covid as don’t know who he’s mixing with, so i didn’t. I think he wanted a hug, and I feel bad that I didn’t.

I agree that it’s not good on his own probably, he was okay during lockdown as we saw him Monday to Friday. I guess he still did stuff at weekend probably.

I think he’s vulnerable just now, but he won’t open up as hes still angry with me.

I don’t know how dopamines work but I’ll Google it. He’s well advised on all this, as he attended a lot of meetings and does look into causes and symptoms of substance abuse.

At this stage I’m worried about his mental health and keeping his job.

I’m so pleased to be able to talk to someone who’s understands and can maybe help me to understand my sons addiction better.

Lx

[lindyloo]

p.s. im not in touch with any of his friends.

[danman83]

What was the 2500 debt for though? I have mates that sell it and they go on 3 day benders and have up to £800 of it. I couldn’t do that. But every one is different. My gf says why can’t you just say no to it. No matter how many times I explain I am not her and we are all different she still says this lol.

That’s probably the best way to do it, buy him things than give him the money.

Dopamine will effect his mental health, basically dopamine is our happy and negative thoughts in our brain it’s a chemical. In everyday life we release dopamine in our brain, just general happy feelings, even excitement having a biscuit in our brew. When we have coke, and for example a scale 1 to 10, 10 being really happy, cocaine goes through the roof and hits 100, and at this point it’s used all your dopamine in your brain, then it comes crashing down to minus 100, no happy thoughts, just depression, and suicidal thoughts in some people, this is a horrible feeling. It can take days from this to get your dopamine levels back to normal and negative thoughts gone. Cocaine causes really bad depression. It sends my head west the next day. Sorry for going on but it’s best off knowing than not.

If he’s using say 2 or 3 times aweek he’s going to have mental health or depression. Addicts do this though, chasing the high, always wanting more but it’s never the same as the 1st.

I listen to a lot of cocaine recovery stories and other drugs on you tube, ex addicts talking about what they did and how they over came it, and their stories are a lot worse.

Sometimes it gives you hope that if they can do it you can. I also read a few true stories ex addicts books. These are great as well. And they help me as well.

Do you think he will go back to his meetings?

I’m always here so you don’t need to worry about going on. I like sharing a bit what I have learned as well. It’s a bit weird since I’m not perfect. Practice what you preach lol. But I do my best

[lindyloo]

I know that the 2.5k was to pay off drug dealers. The day it all came to a head he blurted out a lot of stuff. My husband got the cash and we (very discreetly) drove to about 4 different houses of dealers and paid the debt.

He told me he’s spent hundreds and thousands on coke in the past years.

No wonder he’s has paranoia and mental health issues.

He liked his local ca group face to face, but that can’t happen yet apparently. Hes not getting anything out of the online meetings he said. Hes on his 2nd sponsor, and says hes made to feel guilty every time he lapses, and he’s fed up redoing the 12 steps from the start every time.

He said he’s not spiritual enough.

I sent him another text today telling him about a dream I had and he was only 8 or 9 on it.

I felt comfort after it. I told him that too.

He’s definitely got an addictive personality, whatever he does, he does it 100 %. Gambling, drugs, cigs, alcohol, etc

I watched the Ryan donnelly videos, and a Brandon (ex Jackass) one , don’t know if I should say to him or not.

Thanks again for your support, I’ll keep you in my prayers too.

Lx

[danman83]

That’s a lot to dealers. They shouldn’t be letting it get to that much, but they usually do knowing they will pay up.

Did u give it the dealers yourself? I would of told them that’s it, anymore ticks you give him, you will not bail him out.

He shouldn’t be made to feel guilty, he should just be told its a blip, it happens in recovery and get back on track. I’m sure u can get a different sponsor. On some of them videos I’ve watched some people have had 12 rehabs, and took years, and now are 10 years clean. I guess we all have to hit our rock bottom. Some are worse than others.

Sometimes we Bury are heads in the sand after a split from an ex and just get wrecked for months even years.

There is a great app called pocket rehab for addicts and ex addicts, there is a bit like this all addicts talking about there problems. Ex addicts helping you. U have a panic button that you press if u feel like u are going to use and it puts u through to another addict or ex addict and they talk you round and help you.

They have zoom meetings everyday for addicts on there. It’s a great app.

Just see if he’s OK 1st before bringing things up to him, he might think your pressuring him. Only he can want to change. But do mention that app when you feel the time is right. But this is my opinion, you do what you feel is best for you.

.

Thanks for your kind words. I know it’s hard try not to worry to much and get some sleep. I’m always here to talk to, or if you need get it off your chest. Your a good mum

I use to look at addicts and heroin addicts as scum. Never believed it was a disease. But the more I’ve learned, I don’t think like this anymore. These addicts were once a lovely son or daughter, some had bad upbringings, no parents, abused, some had good up bringings but got in the wrong crowd through pier pressure.

And turn to drugs as coping mechanisms. We’re just stuck in a rut, with the same routine day after day. That’s why we need to implement new hobbies to our routine to keep busy.

Sorry for going on lol I could go on all night haha. Good job I’m off work tomorrow. Plenty of decorating to do.

[lindyloo]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to me.

The app sounds like a great idea. If only he’d communicate.

The latest is , and he’s sunk to a new level…..contacting his younger sister, who has little savings and no job yet. He asked her for cash to get shopping and cigs. Which she did. She broke down and cried when she told me.

She’s really upset. I told her not to ever give him cash and instead I’ll buy what he needs and she can give him it. He told her he didn’t want to speak to us.

He must be desperate, hope he didn’t go to the pub with it.£30

What next?

Lx

[danman83]

*

[lindyloo]

Debc, I need to talk to you.

My son has contacted me finally tonight. I had a frantic call telling me he had a drug dealer at his door looking for £300.

He called about a dozen times in desperation. Finally we caved and transferred 250. I said, what are you gonna do to help yourself? He said hed return to ca meetings.

Unfortunately I found out during the conversation that he’s back with his ex gf who’s an alcoholic. She will bleed him dry, and bring him down with her. She had 8weeks in an expensive rehab place, and drank on her 1st night home!! My husband, daughter and I can’t take it any more, we’re sick of it and exhausted.

When will it end? Lx

I hope your situation with your son is good at the moment.

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

Sorry only just seen you message.

Sounds absolutely awful, but I do know where your coming from, having had to pay drug debts for my son on previous occasions.

Has he ever been in rehab? Does he talk to anyone apart from the meetings?

My Son actually contacted the Rehab himself and spoke to them for nearly a year before he went.

Being back with his ex girlfriend sounds horrendous, my Son is useless with relationships and has been told not to be involved in them to help his recovery. He has a sponsor and is working through the 12 steps, I really think this helps, I know it’s not a cure.

There are loads of places that can offer help, there is a story on here that has a rehab mentioned in it, it is quite reasonable, it’s on the Adfam website, about other people’s situations.

Thinking of you at this awful time, and always here to chat.

Dx

[lindyloo]

Debc, thanks so much for your reply it means a lot. It was a difficult night for us.

No, hes never tried rehab or spoke to anyone from rehab. The price scares us and it didn’t work for his ex.

He was attending local CA meetings which he felt comfortable with, was doing the 12 steps, had a sponsor, and at best managed 3 months.

We never realised there would be relapses, and there’s been a few!

This results in him getting into debt then contacting us for food, groceries cigs etc.

He even stooped to phoning his young student sister for £30 cash transfer. She was so upset , wasn’t going to tell me. How despicable!

I’m gutted that he’s seeing his ex, she is a total leech. Her parents have put her out the house, she was in a homeless shelter for a bit. He doesn’t see that she’s only using him for a place to stay and she can drink all she wants . She’s not working , she’s sponging off him. Bad combination.

He contacted my husband today for food, don’t mind that so much. At least I know hes eating.

I text him to seek help, watch recovery videos, use a rehab app, delete all the scumbag dealers off his phone, and stay away from people who drink or use.

That’s advice that I got from this forum.

He’ll never recover if ex is still on the scene. She’s poison.

That’s for understanding.

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

It’s so difficult being a parent to an addict, it’s a great big learning curve, with lots of ups and downs on the way.

Deleting all the dealers off his phone is a must, but whether they do it is another thing, there is so many of them about, complete scumbags.

His ex sounds delightful, and being with her is not going to help your son at all, but if I was you I just wouldn’t mention her in your conversations with him.

Take care and stay strong.

Dx

[lindyloo]

*thanks for understanding

[lindyloo]

Thanks debc,

It is another world. My daughter said that to me earlier. Its like a dark underworld that we didn’t know existed!

I saw him earlier (he wanted cigs) and mentioned going to a meeting tomorrow. I’ve to take him as he’s no money to pit car through mot.

I feel i have no life , running about after him all the time.

Yes, I’ll try not to mention her, although she often the cause of his relapses. I agree, you’ve got to love yourself before you can love yourself…ru Paul.

Thanks again Debc

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

Hope your ok.

How are things?

Dx

[lindyloo]

Hi debc

Thanks for your post.

It’s been up and down. Son has been in contact end last week. The exgf did her usual stuff , I won’t go into detail, but he was quite desperate. I got him cigs and shopping, hes started meetings again. I managed to get an weekend break away with my hubby who’s been ill lately.

I feel more refreshed and hopefully cope better.

I’m meeting up socially distancing but looking forward to spending time with him.

How’s things going with your son, ive been thinking and praying for you all.?

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

Good to hear from you, glad that you could get away for a weekend with your husband, would of done you both good.

Fingers crossed, things are going well, he’s working his steps with his Sponsor, going to local face to face meetings, long may it continue.

Good that your Son has started meetings again, my Son likes them and say they help.

So many very sad stories on here, it really makes you think about things, so glad I joined this group.

Dx

[lindyloo]

Thanks debc, I’ll keep you posted.

I’ll try to remain positive

Been here so many times, especially before payday!

Hopefully this will be a good week for us all.

Night ,god bless you

Keep in touch

Lx

[lindyloo]

Hi Debc

Hope things are well with you.

I’ve been chatting on another thread to Theresa and other nice ladies going through troubles due to their sons’ addictions.

I’ve told them my son contacted me for cigs and groceries. He told me hes been through a lot of difficult withdrawals.

Fortunately the exgf is out the picture.

He suggested meeting for a walk today, ulterior motive as he wanted his phone bill paid.

Every time the phone goes, its money for this, and money for that. He’s a functioning addict so I’m hoping well get some of it back.

I wish we could get on with our lives without looking over our shoulders all the time.

Wishing you well

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

So many people in the same situation, but so nice to be able to share our problems.

Good news about the ex, I don’t think they can handle other people’s problems as well as their own.

I know he is asking for money but at least he is reaching out to you and knows he can rely on you, and like you I’m hoping that one day we will get back some of what we have given out.

Hoping he keeps up with the meetings and taking each day as it comes.

My Son has returned back to work now, just taking it slowly.

Always here to chat, take care.

Dx

[lindyloo]

Debc ,

Thanks for your message.

Great news about your son starting back.

Yes, hopefully the meetings will be successful.

Thanks again for your support.

Take care ????

Lx

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