[welshlass223]

Sorry for the long post. It’s taken me a long time to realise that I need to reach out. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 3. Most of the time we’ve been ok but it’s all or nothing. We go months without drinking. That doesn’t bother me, but after a hard week, the occasional glass of wine would be nice. Still, I’ve happily abstained if it’s made things easier. However, any problem or celebration causes him to drink too much. Then he becomes stroppy, argumentative and paranoid. Yesterday a man walked past the house and he became obsessed about whether he was casing our house. There’s no basis for this but he messaged the local neighbourhood group chat and was incoherent and abusive. This is a common pattern and he’s fallen out with family and has no friends. Today he has asked for a divorce. I’m not sure he meant it, as he’d had a lot to drink and this seems to be part of the pattern. In between binges, we’re happy but I’m on tenterhooks, waiting for the next one and to find out who he’s upset this time. He’s threatened suicide in the past. I’m a safeguarding lead at work and think I’ve managed that reasonably well. However, I feel so lonely and so constantly on edge. I desperately want him to get help and, in a couple of days, I know we’ll be back to the apologetic agreement that he’ll get help. But it never happens. I’m not sure I can keep this up. I love him and between binges we’re happy, but I’m always waiting for the next one. I have a responsible job and we also run our own business. When he binges, I have to do his job as well. Today I started my work at 8am then, when I finished, I worked in our business until 8pm because he had passed out in the spare bedroom and we had calls to make. There was no way he could do it, let alone drive. I don’t feel I can tell friends, as I don’t want them to judge him. I just want to tell someone and wondered if anyone had any suggestions as to how to show him he needs help and not just in the immediate aftermath of a binge, which he won’t follow up. Sorry for the long post. Any advice or support appreciated.

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

They also provide free treatment for those seeking help from addiction, however as as a family member wanting support I would deff get in touch with them.

[Theviewfromhere]

Hi welshlass,

It’s been a while since you posted this, so I hope that you are ok.
I am in a similar position to you. The constant cycle of binge, everything implodes, aggression, and then apologies and remorse. Promises of it never happening again, a period of abstinence. But then it will starts again. I am at my wits end and am at the point of saying he has to leave. But how do you do that when there is still so much love there? When they are still the person you fell in love with when drink isn’t involved? It’s heartbreaking and devastating. I just wanted to reach out and say if you’re still in this position, you’re not alone.

Take care

[rain888]

Hello! New here as well. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it made me feel less lonely… less crazy I suppose. Sometimes i feel like im over reacting and that things are not that bad… but when he is drunk and taking all his frustrations on me (he doesn’t have any close friends, im basically all he has) then i know I can’t be over reacting.

3 weeks ago after a big fight while he was drunk, the next day he said he knows he is not using alcohol the way he should, a week after he had 2 beers on a Tuesday because he said had a terrible day at work, on the weekend he had 6 standard drinks and finally 1 glass of tequila with water the following Tuesday. He doesn’t get completely wasted every time he drinks but he gets drunk enough to start arguments.
today i came back from work and he was wasted, said he had a bad day, lied saying he had a non alcoholic beer and that it must have reacted with his flu vaccine … he said the doctor told him he has high blood pressure and that he thinks is all my fault because of the stress i cause him when we keep arguing.
im tired 🙁

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours.

https://www.adaptoxford.org.uk/support

They also provide free treatment to the substance user if they want the support themselves( under the adapt programme on their website)

[Author]

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