[lw80]

Hi

I started dating a girl at the beginning of the year who has had a history of alcohol abuse. It is over 6 years since she quit drinking and in that time she has changed so much about her life in such a positive way – it is something that i really admire and respect about her.

However, there is no doubt that the issue of ‘alcohol’ is generally present in our relationship and creates problems that I am not sure how to deal with.

She has said to me from the outset that she does not have a problem with me having a drink. I am not a regular or heavy drinker by any means. And certainly since we have been dating, I have been more circumspect about drinking in general. I have always said that I won’t drink when we are together and I don’t drink at home on my own at all. I’ve been giving all the wine i keep at home to friends and family so that I don’t have any alcohol in the house. So the only times I do drink are when I am out at the pub with my friends or occasionally my family.

Nonetheless, I can tell that she finds these occasions when I drink incredibly difficult. It usually results in a difficult / tense couple of days afterwards. She seems angry – generally finding fault in however I behaved during the period i was drinking (not enough contact, too much contact, telling her too much about my evening or not enough and so on).

I have tried to talk to her about this. But this is usually met with a resounding ‘i really don’t have a problem with you having a drink’ response or ‘I want you to be able to go out and have fun with your friends’.

I want to support her but I guess I sometimes feel at a loss about what is best to do. I feel like I’m getting it wrong for her somehow. I actually feel that me drinking is much more of a problem for her than she lets on. And that her partner drinking is much more of a problem for her than it is with (for example) her family who are big drinkers and seem to have modified precisely none of their behaviour since she admitted to her problems with alcohol (she seems very reconciled this being the way it is).

My guess (and without getting her to open up it’s hard to tell) is that there is a bit of her which feels quite envious that i can just go to the pub for a pint or two. I know she has times when she misses that part of her life (not the bit when she was out of control but the more day to day social interactions that often happen around alcohol). She has on occasions talked about how she is sad that we can’t just go out for a bottle of wine together in what she calls a ‘normal date’ – that she somehow feels i am missing out (I don’t feel this at all btw and have tried to provide reassurance to this effect).

Drinking isn’t so important to me that I wouldn’t give it up completely. The relationship with her is definitely more important than any pint in the pub or occasional glass of wine. But somehow I feel that would lead to friction in itself – a feeling from her pov that her issues with alcohol shouldn’t result in her partner needing to completely quit drinking. She will often say ‘this is my problem with alcohol – it shouldn’t be yours’.

Sorry that’s a bit of an offload. Most of the reading I’ve done on alcoholism has I guess focussed on the more acute period either prior to an alcoholic admitting they have an issue and seeking help or during their initial period of rehabilitation. i haven’t seen much literature or help for what happens after that acute period is over and the individual in question (and those closest to them) have to live with the after effects for the rest of their life.

I guess I’m looking for advice from friends, partners and family of alcoholics. What did you do about your own drinking? Has it caused friction? How did you handle that? How can I be the best partner for her? And any pointers to information or support materials would also be welcome.

Thanks for listening

L.

[Author]

Posts