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Hi, just looking for a friend in a similar situation, A bit about me, My husband found sobriety for over 7 years it took a long time for him to get there, I wasn’t aware that he was an alcoholic until I was pregnant with my son who’s a teenager now, Id been with my husband since I was a teenager now I’m late 40s so it was a shock. I stayed for financial reasons, he was a great dad, and I loved him, with the help of my parents I got through it. skip forward to jan this year and I started to notice that he seemed some of the old habits were back got to nip to the shops every few minutes.. my heart sank that feeling in the pit of my stomach, anxiety levels through the roof, I new instantly, I cried lots for the first few mths , begged him and he just lied to my face, I was once again totally heartbroken, anyway he did Manage to get sober but was in complete denial he had drunk, and I’ve found it hard to trust him since, anyway this week I found out he’s drinking again he has so much to lose, so has my son he his heavily involved in sports and my husband helps to coach him, he stayed at our caravan for the last few nights and sent the most hateful comments, it’s always he’s unhappy because of me etc etc I have since lost my parents, my mum is still around but she has dementia all of this makes me miss her all the more, would love to confide in her… anyway totally at a stumbling block as to what to do now.. my husband is said he’s leaving me, it’s always his terms, I’ve lost friends and myself through this journey. Thanks for reading xx
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I hope you are ok and safe
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Hi, hope ur doing OK. I head ur story and see a lot of my situation in there too. Only difference is I’m 11 years into my relationship and I saw it from the start, but I choose to marry him anyway because I believed he is a good guy and will change. More fool me because nothing gs changed and it affects our life on a almost daily basis. He’s lost jobs before, we can’t try for a baby and we are no where financially stable with a home etc. Again like I said he’s in denial and gets argumentative, blaming me and I just don’t no what to do anymore to make him see he needs help.
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Hi I’m 5 years in but all you say sounds like my life. Today I’ve had the most vile things said to me. Never loved me. Says what I want to hear. My kids don’t stay in their rooms as they are teenagers it’s to get away from me like he does. Pops to his car for his swigs of vodka. Wants out and always has done. I make him unhappy as I’m a nag etc etc etc
He said I’m pathetic and not worth anything
I feel a fool because when he’s on top of the addictions everything he says and does makes me feel the luckiest women alive so I argue it’s the demons making him unhappy but then I’m
Told I’m manipulating him!
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Aww yea i understand how that feels too hun, words hurt. Oh yes, nag ! I get that alot. Lazy, it’s my fault. And just the lies, like I’m making it up.
Another thing is the lack of care what it’s doing to our relationship or putting me through. The lonely night on my own whiles he’s passed out. The times I’ve made dinner and sat and Ate it on my own.
They just can’t seem to understand that we love and support them but don’t accept this behaviour, yet it always seem to come first to them. I completely get your last point about seeing the better side to them sometimes but it then angers me why they can’t see that side is a better happier nicer version too.
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I’m at a loss. He’s moved into my home with my kids. He wanted all this and now to hear I’ve made him. I think it’s the fact that he can’t lie without me knowing like he could at his flat. He is either teary, apologising and saying he hates himself or nasty and abusive. I’m even seeing a counsellor as he’s told me I make life unhappy. I’m not even sure why I’m seeing one lol. Tonight I’m told he’s 110% leaving as he hates it. He then shushed me out of my bedroom whilst he eats his pizza. If I say anything I’m called pathetic, what worth are you, take the hint. We both have covid yet I’m downstairs wanting to go to bed but can’t and my kids are in the house . It’s abuse but if he switched and become loving I’d fall for it
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Hi,
Sorry just replying.
This might sound like a silly question under the circumstances but if he doesn’t want to be with u for all the reasons he makes u feel then why is he living in ur house, causing you all this heart ache and distribution to your family’s mental health. You 110% deserve to be happy and treated right and it is abuse making you feel worthless.
But I get it. We stay. I’m 11 years in and nothings changed. I don’t even have kids with him bcoz the alcohol comes first. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still doing this, I’m letting him control our life by his lack of control of his. But like u say we have good times too but do they make the bad times worth it, no.
I’m currently sat in bed alone while he’s passed out downstairs.. again
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I ask myself this all the time.
He’s only been here a month but before that he had got to a steady stage. Was a lot better and deseperate to move forward so all felt perfect. This tells me the addictions are the issue but there’s always that niggle in my head maybe he really does mean all he says?!
When he’s sober and realises he is lovely, apologetic and admits he’s a nasty bastard with his mouth but each time it makes my self esteem drop and he doesn’t get that. He says all the time he doesn’t deserve me and he will be alone and ok if I look for better but that is awful also!
Last night we actually laid in bed watching a movie. At 10.30 he said I’ve got to go get a bottle of wine. When he’s bad he gets anxiety about getting to sleep so uses alcohol so we are back to that. There is something deeper with him for sure!
He tried to hug me but I went stiff and said all u said last night is hard to process. Instantly he was moody. It’s like he blames the drink but needs to also realise I’m owed an explanation despite that.
I asked for the light to be turned off. He just said no, I want it on so I went to sleep. It’s my wkend without kids so needs addressing. Like u said if he really doesn’t want to be here, pack ur bags this wkend then????♀️
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Yeah I completely get the apologies too, but he has to be in the right mood to have a discussion. Then u feel hopefully this times different. He listened, and it might improve for a little while but nothing really changes.
I got home from work yesterday to another empty bottle of wine, and when I said not another one I thought you was trying to not drink so much he just says give it a rest, like whatever shut up I don’t care. Just makes me think why do I bother if he isn’t even trying.
I’m a little more confused how I fix my issues because I see a future, I married him. In sickness and health but when will our good times come again. I want him to be the father of my children, he needs that too, I no his issues are deeper too but only he can recognise he needs help for them and not alcohol.
Maybe a break in ur relationship and him realising if he doesn’t change he’ll loose what’s actually good in his life. But only way it works if if u don’t let him back as soon as the emotional abuse starts making u feel bad because he then knows he can do what he wants with no consequences.
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Hi bows things ? X
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Hi sorry not been good.
Having kids together gives u way more reason to hope!
He actually spoke to me fri but turned pretty quick as he’s drinking.
He punched my mirror and called the police on himself but ran before they came . Ended in them mid treating him and 12 head stitches!
Sunday told me he wants to move out and be alone to learn who he is( heard this before) then Monday went for a drive and had a good day. All over me.
He’s now carried on as normal so last night he was drinking and I stupidly said it’s unfair I’m
Told he never loved me or wanted to move in and now he’s being all normal.
The response was t good!
Why can’t I just breathe.
I said i don’t want to invest my time and heart if he is actually making plans to go.
He went really weird, hands over ears talking to himself.
I went to bed. He’s stayed up and drank( with concussion) and has just gone to bed.
All I want to know is did he say all those things to be nasty and does he actually want me and love me. It’s a head mess
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Wow, heading all that just makes me realise how unstable it all just be for u and the kids. I don’t no how u cope with the emotions. I do get this occasionally, resistance to talk, blames me but most days he’s stable.
Honestly u have to start putting urself and mental health and happiness first. It might be difficult to break away at first. But he can’t ever be the best version of himself while he abuses you like this.
I had a shit day at work yesterday and I was upset. I no my husband would support me and understand 80-90% of the time he’s kind and loving, which helps me take the shit times better.
Hope your OK hun, stay strong and seek help. You matter too remember that, don’t let Jim devalue your worth x
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Wow, heading all that just makes me realise how unstable it all just be for u and the kids. I don’t no how u cope with the emotions. I do get this occasionally, resistance to talk, blames me but most days he’s stable.
Honestly u have to start putting urself and mental health and happiness first. It might be difficult to break away at first. But he can’t ever be the best version of himself while he abuses you like this.
I had a shit day at work yesterday and I was upset. I no my husband would support me and understand 80-90% of the time he’s kind and loving, which helps me take the shit times better.
Hope your OK hun, stay strong and seek help. You matter too remember that, don’t let Jim devalue your worth x
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Wow, reading all that just makes me realise how unstable it all must be for u and the kids. I don’t no how u cope with the emotions. I do get this occasionally, resistance to talk, blames me but most days he’s stable.
Honestly u have to start putting urself and mental health and happiness first. It might be difficult to break away at first. But he can’t ever be the best version of himself while he abuses you like this.
I had a shit day at work yesterday and I was upset. I no my husband would support me and understand 80-90% of the time he’s kind and loving, which helps me take the shit times better.
Hope your OK hun, stay strong and seek help. You matter too remember that, don’t let him de value your worth x
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He came back from work very loss and concust but was talking to me lovely and about supporting me.
He then went to chop some weeds down and had a drink and it all changed.
After he sat in the garden alone. I had no kids so thought great what a waste of an eve but I’ve listened to him needing space so I nicely said would u like to have the eve to urself or do u want to do something
He said I feel sorry for u that u always have to ask questions????♀️
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He came back from work very loss and concust but was talking to me lovely and about supporting me.
He then went to chop some weeds down and had a drink and it all changed.
After he sat in the garden alone. I had no kids so thought great what a waste of an eve but I’ve listened to him needing space so I nicely said would u like to have the eve to urself or do u want to do something
He said I feel sorry for u that u always have to ask questions????♀️
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He came back from work very loss and concust but was talking to me lovely and about supporting me.
He then went to chop some weeds down and had a drink and it all changed.
After he sat in the garden alone. I had no kids so thought great what a waste of an eve but I’ve listened to him needing space so I nicely said would u like to have the eve to urself or do u want to do something
He said I feel sorry for u that u always have to ask questions????♀️
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He came back from work very loss and concust but was talking to me lovely and about supporting me.
He then went to chop some weeds down and had a drink and it all changed.
After he sat in the garden alone. I had no kids so thought great what a waste of an eve but I’ve listened to him needing space so I nicely said would u like to have the eve to urself or do u want to do something
He said I feel sorry for u that u always have to ask questions????♀️
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He came back from work very loss and concust but was talking to me lovely and about supporting me.
He then went to chop some weeds down and had a drink and it all changed.
After he sat in the garden alone. I had no kids so thought great what a waste of an eve but I’ve listened to him needing space so I nicely said would u like to have the eve to urself or do u want to do something
He said I feel sorry for u that u always have to ask questions????♀️
When he’s in control of his drinking he is amazing amd so thoughtful and loving
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Yeah I get that, at the same time it makes u angry you also want to see the good side and hope things will improve one day. I always question when tho it’s been so long. If they won’t get help, does he even really Care.
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He goes somewhere weekly and now the police has wrote a referral to his docs
He doesn’t care atm that’s how he gets
He’s scared what’s wrong with him
I have no idea if bi poler also or if it’s all drink related ????♀️
He’s in self pity mode as everyone has said he bought on the injury himself but he sees himslwf as victim
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He doesn’t care resonates with me. We had a blip today. We’re currently living with my mum and it’s not Ideal but I find he makes any excuse to drink. Then it affects he ability to work occasionally, over the years I’ve had to support us and it’s not easy when they can’t see what it’s doing to us, when he’s good he doesn’t even realise how good things could be. Then when I try to talk to him about the issues it’s causing us, like uve said he turns mardy and defective, making out there’s no problem and just let it go. But how can I, why want he see things need to change to make our life better. Doesn’t help my mum doesn’t understand and gets angry at the situations and I’m torn between them. I feel lost, it’s hard to see my life on pause at the age I am. Is this my future…
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I feel ur pain. Living at ur mums must be so difficult!
Is he aware he has a problem?
My partner is very aware and that’s why he hates it pointed out!
I’ve actually taken an extra half anti depressive this wk and it’s helped me let things go that there are no arguements and he’s being more communitive but never know how long that lasts????♀️
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He’s acknowledged it in the past, but like you say he hates it been pointed out. Usually he srugs it off like just leave it now, stop pushing. Then that’s it conversation over. So we can never get in to it too deep before he’s had enough. Hence why he’s never got help for depression bcoz saying I’m fine and ignoring it isnt working.
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It’s called denile!!!!
I actually thought we were doing ok this wk in regards to be accepting him and just listening.
His episode last wk now has social services calling telling me I have to inform my ex!
We talked deeply last night as he was drinking and opening up. Had an understanding eve then this morning he said he needs to decide what he’s doing in regards to staying or moving out.
Because I have got upset and said why am I bothering going through all of this if u still are thinking like that he’s angry and telling me I’m abusive getting in his head.
He’s told my kids he’s cooking a roast and now told me do it myself!
Even made a point if he pays rent yet I still ask him to grab stuff from the shop!
This roast has cost another £18 today on top of my £150 food shop as we went and grabbed all he wanted and I felt I had to pay.
He’s made a point I can buy trainers
Wtf
He spends on alcohol daily and take always and I’m meant to feel bad
The abuse is on me and how he can say I abuse him hurts so bad
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