[24601]

Hi guys,

Hoping I can find someone on here in a similar situation to me…

Been with my other half for 10+ years now, live together, both work full time and have a beautiful daughter (school age).

Just before Xmas I caught my partner taking cocaine. Initially, didn’t know what it was although had my suspicions…I’m pretty clueless when it comes to drugs, I’ve never tried anything other than a cigarette and consider myself totally ‘anti drugs’. I am not in any way judgemental towards anyone that chooses that lifestyle but having never been around it, I’m really struggling to deal with the fact it is now so close to home.

After catching him initially, he denied it, wouldn’t admit to anything and made me feel like I was imagining it…after a short time, he admitted it, opened up a bit and said it is something he has done for years in a recreational way (on nights out etc) but had been feeling crappy during lockdown and had it to ‘perk’ him up.

I went in pretty hard at first and did a lot of crying/shouting, it hurt me to know he would do that in our home, knowing my views and whilst our daughter was under the same roof. He was very apologetic, offering to leave, telling me he was stupid, saying he would understand if I didn’t want him around anymore…At that point, everything in my body, heart, head told me to pack mine and my daughters stuff and go…if only it was that easy!

I love this guy with all my heart, he’s a brilliant Dad and loves me, I know he does…

So, once I’d calmed down, we sat down and did a lot of talking, I asked him for total honesty, I was honest and tried to set some boundaries…Although I’m not very clued up in these things, I’m not so naive to think he would just stop…I know it doesn’t work like that. I knew it was going to take time and I knew it would be a bit of a rough ride – one I was willing to take on.

I spent a lot of time reading up on cocaine, the attraction, the effects, the cost…I wanted to know everything! I also wanted to know how to get him to stop…I’m still looking for that answer…

He tells me he wants to stop. He tells me he has an action plan. He has now asked me to keep his bank cards so he doesn’t have access to large amounts of money, only Apple Pay on his phone. Yet he is still using, I know he is, I’ve caught him, and I also know what to look for…smears on smooth surfaces…the electric hob, the top of his laptop, his kindle screen, plates…I know them all and I look…

He promises he never does it when he is home with our daughter and I’m not there…I do have my doubts about this, I do believe she hasn’t seen it…and I do believe he wouldn’t do it in front of her but I know he’s done it before collecting her from school…this scares me to death and although I want to help him, I want him to get better, if our daughter was affected at all, I would remove her from the situation…I would have to and he knows that – and I absolutely stick by that.

Fast forward to now…he still claims he is going to stop, and although he isn’t using it was much, I know he is still using…he still claims he wants to stop, he tells me he is going to set goals, focus on things he wants to do, focus on saving money for things he wants to buy and claims that once he sees things changing for the better, he will start to feel more motivated and stronger to fight the urges…is that how it works??? I don’t know…

All I know is, I can’t live like this forever. As much as I love him, as much as it would break my heart to break up our little family, there has to be a limit, I’m just not sure what the limit is as I have no idea how long things like this take…

What do I do? X

[worriedsister]

Hello x

I’m in a situation where my sister is an cocaine addict , her husband was an alcoholic and cocaine addict (he died in-front of his kids a few months ago now)

Aged 46!

I have found out my partner is using crack and smoking heroin at the weekends when I’m not with him. I’m heart broken, devastated! (That’s another story!)

My answer to you is try and support him. Has he been to his GP? Does it will he attend a therapy group?

My sister was using coke and spending every penny on it. Sat in her house on her own whilst her kids slept upstairs.

Coke was the most important thing in her life the kids were left with no food some days and neglected!

But she didn’t care all she cared about was getting her gear.

3 maybe 4 years on from her saying she wanted to get clean she is finally trying and has been clean 20 weeks but had one relapse when her husband died.

She attends through her gp and social services a drugs group and they drug test her we have also purchased tests online which we get her to do.

In the past few years we tried taking her back cards giving her only small amounts of money , having the kids as social threatened to take them.

I’m not sure what broke her really I think it was the threat of losing her children for good.

Maybe you need to tell your partner to seek help get into a group to discuss his problems. Threaten him that he will lose his child because if he spirals out of control he will definitely lose you and your child.

Cocaine is a terrible drug and people don’t understand how much is grips somebody!

My sister broke down many times telling us how much she hates doing it and doesn’t want to do it but the urge the addiction drags her in.

I still to this day find it hard to work out how anything can become more important than your own child/children.

Try and support your partner it’s early days but he needs to be honest with you. And most of all he needs to want to stop xxxx

[24601]

Thank you for the message…

Sorry to hear about your situation…It’s good to hear your sister is on the right path now, I hope that continues.

I have suggested the GP but he says if he goes to the GP they will notify the DVLA and he will end up losing his licence – does this happen??

Driving is a big part of his business so he is reluctant to do this.

He has said he will look into contacting a support group but I’ve not seen any signs of this happening yet.

I really do want to help him, I’ve even thought about contacting the GP and asking the question about the DVLA, but I want him to do it himself as I know he has to want to do it ultimately. X

[worriedsister]

My sister drives and went through her GP.

They didn’t notify DVLA as far as I know as she is still driving now. And all the way through the past few years since she tried to get help.

but for peace of mind I would maybe arrange a GP call and find out for definite.

[24601]

Yeah that’s what I have thought about doing…it’s so hard to understand having never been in that situation or had experience of it before. I have to try so hard to not lose my temper with him. I think him admitting he has a problem was a big step…I just hope he continues to move forward, I know there are going to be set backs and relapses…I wish I just felt a bit more prepared to help him and deal with it.

Thank you for the advice x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

So sorry to read your post and see how difficult and worrying this is for you. it must make it even harder worrying about the impact on your daughter. if you would like some more support please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people like yourself having to deal with addiction in the family. We have trained and experienced Family friends who would talk with you if you get in touch. Maybe talking would help to know how to move forwards.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[noideaforascreenname]

Hey, our situations sound really similar and you sound like a very smart and caring partner who can still have “healthy” thoughts about this. I hear you on wanting to feel more prepared to deal with it. I’ve read a ton, watched videos etc, I’ve even been to my own counsellor so I could learn to try and be “cool with it”.

We had a situation two months ago when I went away with a girl friend for the night….long story short he used, and there was lies involved of course. I came back the next day dead ass calm and told him that I can’t be with a cocaine user let alone become a blended family and raise 4 kids with one (he has two boys). I tried to avoid coming home and having the talk while he was on a come down, but me not coming home would have been awful for him and I just couldn’t do that (though with hindsight I wish I did). When he’s coming down he’s what I call “flat” for days and says all the right things….and then that disappears and now we’re back in this awkward place where he hasn’t brought it up for weeks and I don’t know if should (like “hey just checking in how’s it going quitting coke”) or if I should just totally ignore it in absence of any “incident” of catching him red handed.

Deep down he doesn’t want to quit yet, I know it. He thinks he can use “one in awhile”….even though before quarantine he was using multiple times per week. His job in sales was the issue, always entertaining clients, going to concerts sporting events etc. He was literallly paid to party. He still has his same job, so I told him even though the use is minor now…he’s a fool for thinking he can go back to that environment and not have a weekly or worse habit again. To be clear I mean when our city opens back up, we’re still in strict quarantine right now, working from home, no dine in restaurants etc

One of my fears is that I won’t know when to truly leave….when is it really the last chance? I’m sure you can relate, and it’s sucks that the benchmark is “when it impacts your daughter”….that’s mine too. But I wish they’d get it through their heads that rock bottom is when you put down the shovel, not when you let it progress to hurt your family and children!

Anyways, long winded way to say that I’m happy to chat and offer support. It’s not easy loving someone with a cocaine issue. I’m trying to find my way through this too. Sometimes, for no reason, I’ll convince myself I’m being stupid and come up with my plan to leave….but then I go back to “well it’s not bad…..yet!”

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