[vicki]

My husband has been free from cocaine for 4 months and been attending regular counselling combined with attending a gym with personal trainer to improve overall health, diet, way of thinking and has been so happy and a different man at home. Today was his last day of paid work whilst the Pandemic grips the world and I find he’s been to buy cocaine and take this while me and my sons are in bed- even though I’ve found it on the worktop he denies it’s cocaine and says it’s not-I feel like I’m trapped now- he is obviously spending time again meeting people to obtain the drugs (no social distancing) so I feel he has no regard for me and my children’s health and safety but also now we are forced to be in one household dealing with a relapse. I suppose I just wonder how others are coping and has anyone else dealt with any relapse with a loves one in these terrible times- I just feel quite alone with his choices and after 18 years can’t do this much more

[chelsie]

Oh this is so awful I’m so sorry he’s gone backwards . My husband has been out of the house and on a 12 step programme clean for 2 months but this is absolutely my biggest fear – That he is clean for sometime behaves like the ‘ model husband’ and a changed man but is still lying and deceiving . I don’t have much advice to offer you as I’m not in that position yet but I can so see it happening and it’s so worrying . My husbands ‘ shock ‘ using was a relapse but after 14 years ! He was 7 years clean when I met him and we’ve been together 7 years so for me this is like the first time of him using even though it’s a relapse for him if you see what I mean but it is probably the reason this petrifies me again – can he go another 14 years and then destroy everyone’s lives again 🙁 For cocaine addicts is it always like a ticking time bomb that they will inevitably relapse ? Hugs to you 18 years is a long tine to be dealing with this x

[vicki]

Thank you and hugs back to you- it’s just so disappointing and I fear this pandemic is just another excuse for sliding backwards- he’s done so well and became the man I feel he really should be in the last few months- he was working hard, being caring and considerate a fantastic dad… finally I thought! Then something like this happens and his counselling stops, gyms closed and it’s like oh well I can find a reason to blame my relapse on and no one can really say or do anything- it’s hard because he’s the best person clean and the worst version of himself on drugs. I am going to pray this is a one off and he can find coping strategies whilst we’re imprisoned and then get back to the counselling etc. He’s been going bike riding early on a morning since and doing jobs around the house and gardening to keep busy and written out a list of goals now but very hard on addicts and the families at this time trying to cope on top of the rest of the awful situation- thanks for your kind words and keep safe and strong x

[mo229]

Hi Vicki, I’ve come to this forum because I’m going through a similar situation with my partner (or ex- as of last week). He had been clean for a year and we have had the most amazing year together, he’s the most kind loving genuine person when he’s clean, I love that man so much. We have just been away on a month long trip, and we had to cut it short due to the pandemic and return to separate houses. I felt sick with the thought of a lockdown because I knew he was going to get worse. He started relapsing whilst we were away even with the thought of coming home to a lockdown and now the stress of not being able to leave, be with me or do the things we had planned to do has caused him to use more and go downhill massively, so much so he rang me last week blind drunk and ended things with me on the phone, completely out of the blue and out of character, because ‘he needed to be on his own’. The boyfriend I know and love has just been replaced by this cold addict with no emotion. The only way I can cope with it is just knowing that when they’re in the grip of it, they’re a different person with different feelings. As you said it’s almost like they use the pandemic as an excuse to use again.

I just hope and pray he gets the strength to somehow pull himself out of it and cope during this awful time, and maybe eventually try to salvage our relationship that seemed perfect just a matter of a few weeks ago. But speaking to counsellors, and also other people on here, we also need to take care of ourselves during this time and I’m so sorry you have to go through this living in the same household, with children. Must be so tough. But you’re not alone. Sending lots of love x

[maxine]

Hi

I know exactly how you feel.

My boyfriend of seven years switched on me over breakfast a week ago .

He’s like us all stressed over the pandemic and worse because of his habit.

I’m going to attend an online family support group as finding it so draining.I will let you know how I get on.

Cocaine changes people into the worse versions of themselves it’s bloody tragic

[susieq]

I’m kind of going through something similar. I’m with my bf for almost 19 years. He’s been doing cocaine the all these years on a monthly basis. I’ve been reading the posts and it seems that my deep dark secret is not so uncommon. He’s a wonderful man and he worships me. We live in his childhood home that I love as much as he does. We both garden and it truly is keeping me sane. Once a month he would meet up with the old gang and I wouldn’t hear from him for days. That was in the beginning, I’ve been living here for about 12 years now. His monthly going out would always end up with us in a fight and not speaking for days and days. Sometimes it was worse than others. As he’s gotten older he has serious medical issues, diabetes, emphysema, open heart surgery and pacemaker defibrillator. I took care of him through it all. Ok, so the first few weeks we cleaned up the yard, then it was Easter so I planned on a nice dinner for us and my son and I cooked for 2 days. I brought food to my son and his family the day before so I could see my grandson. I stayed in the yard with a mask and gloves and I said goodbye and told them I probably wouldn’t be seeing them again for awhile because of my bf’s health conditions. You know the whole way home I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Well to my surprise when I got home he was doing coke and watching pornography. I flipped out and screamed and yelled and I told him I was not going to take care of him anymore. I took away his remote control and stayed away from him. On Easter morning I went in to check on him and he started screaming and locked his door. I haven’t seen his face since that happened. He’s locked in his room for almost 2 weeks. This house is old and it has a small 3 room apt connected. Probably was the maids rooms. He has his own entrance. He goes out to buy cigarettes and food. He hasn’t eaten any of the food I made. The best part is, he told me I was selfish. Lol. I’m beyond devastated, just when you feel you’re getting close to them again and you let your guard down, it happens again. Cocaine is truly their first love. He always told me that he’s going to do it forever. I’m so sad because I truly love him but the years of lies and secrets and Disappointments starts to wear you out. I also am very spiritual and I believe this is a time to go within. We are supposed to be elevating our consciousness while we are locked down. Not every soul agreed to be here for this awakening, so even though it hurts me so much, I’m trying to see the good that may come out of it. So many people are dying you would think they would be concerned about their health. While I was out getting hand sanitizer and wipes and food, he was getting drugs. During this time we have to take care of ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically. Cocaine is a way to escape reality. I also believe we chose our path in life before we came here. We need to take care of ourselves first. I’ve been walking again and it’s so beautiful outside on the sunny days. Rainy days I do little projects and housework. I meditate every day and that helps so much too. Addiction, whether it’s drugs or alcohol ruins everything. And they don’t care, you’re the bad guy not them. Thanks

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