[deedeedee]

Hi

I’ve turned here as I need some support and guidance on dealing with my husbands alcoholism and I’m too embarrassed to talk about it to my friends. They are aware that he is a “heavy drinker” but as this is my second marriage and I did have reservations, I feel like an idiot for being in this situation.

The worse thing is, in our time together, he has been treated and recovered from cancer and still he doesn’t view his “second chance” at life as being something to be a turning point for him. He blames the Chemo for everything, which is also masking the long terms signs of his alcoholism. He minimises everything, apart from his ability to spend money!

He doesn’t want to work, but likes to spend money, so has to motivate himself everyday to contribute to support us financially. I work full time and in the NHS and it’s exhausting.

We have talked a lot over the years and much has trickled from his stories about his lifestyle choices that have come to cause me great concern. He came from a broken home, his step father drank heavily, his uncle was an alcoholic and since passed away from his addication and alcohol has played a significant role in his coping mechanisms in his life and made worse by the death of his mother and his appalling first marriage. I now know his step fathers drinking is under control. He has told me recently that he only married his first wife as she came from a wealthy family. Anyway he came away from his first marriage, with just his pension but I was cashed up. Since finding this out, it’s not helped in the growing concerns I have about his motivations for starting a relationship with me.

We have talked about his drinking in the past, following an awful episode, were he knowingly drank and drove with his daughter in the car and he appeared to take on board my concerns and hasn’t done this since. By his own admission he has an addictive personality and I have also told him if starts smoking again I will leave him. I’m not nursing him through another cancer.

Now let me say at this point, I am a social drinker, but my drinking has cut back hugely over the last few years as I see the way I have been enabling him.

At the time of my own divorce, I was using alcohol to cope and when I met HIM it was party party party. Now, 8 years later, his cancer treatment and reality, the party party party lifestyle is no longer fun. Mortgages, demands of work and adult children all put pressure on us & this situation that I find myself in today scares me. I am not a hippocrite but there is a limit. He started to say things and speak to me in a very controlling manner, which gives me a sense that he is feeling the loss of control and I’m not putting up with being made to feel like shit.

I told him recently, when discussing our wills, that I feel like I’m going to end up a widow. He was appalled that I said that, but I said to look at the facts,on paper it’s more likely to be him.

His work isn’t brilliant, what looks to be hard work, just brings in enough. His daughter starts uni this year and he will have to share the support and once again, his finances will take a hit. What makes it worse, is that he bigs himself up and talks about making a lot of money and becoming a millionaire… it’s all just boring talk. I don’t mind financially supporting us, but I’m not willing to support his drinking.

So what do I do??? I know I need to discuss this with him, I also know I need to be prepared to take the brunt of what will be my fault. He will say that I’ve changed and I’m no longer fun and he is right, menopause isn’t fun but neither is living with an alcoholic!

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