[ladym]

Hello everyone!

I’m looking for supportive stories about new sobriety as I am working through some challenging emotions and situations.

My DH and I are poly and have a closed triad with our partner (m). DH has struggled with alcohol addiction for many years and recently received his second DUI (first was 6 years ago.) Thankfully this was a huge wake-up call and he is taking getting sober seriously – we visited a doctor and got a referral to the local addiction recovery center. He’s taking all the appropriate steps to get and stay sober and hasn’t had a drink since the night of his DUI almost 3 weeks ago. (background info: his drink of choice has always been beer and in the recent years has been drinking 15-20 light beers a day.)

At the beginning, he was going through many feelings of shame and embarrassment, but our partner and I have been super supportive, positive and he was talking to us. Our partner and I have also stopped drinking at the house or around DH (even though DH said it was fine for us to have a drink, we choose not to in support of his journey). Over the past week or so DH has become increasingly distant and is prone to outbursts of anger at the smallest issue. He now barely makes eye contact with me and hasn’t been showing any physical affection to either our partner or myself. When I try to offer affection or physical contact he often just pushes me away. Yesterday he was going to the store and asked about things we might need. I started talking about a dinner idea and he just walked away from me, when I was mid sentence, without any word.

He was always extremely interested in sex and hasn’t engaged with either or both of us (me and partner) despite our attempts to initiate. This is very very off behavior for him.

I’m worried – he won’t talk to us about what he’s going through and all we want to do is support him. It feels like he doesn’t even want us around anymore and it’s making me feel like he doesn’t even like who I am as a person.

Please help me understand what is going on… I don’t know how to get him to talk to either of us. Yesterday he had his fist visit to the recovery center and he only said they made him take a drug test. When I asked how it went he snapped that he didn’t want to talk about it and when our partner messaged him separately to check in, he said he was all done talking. Obviously I can’t even understand what he’s going through, but I want to support him and communication would really help our partnership… right now it’s non-existent.

He can get inside his own head really fast and I’m worried he’s spiraling without leaning on his support system for help.

BTW, DH is not into the 12-step AA with all the prayer and god stuff. He’s more pragmatic and believe in therapy practices over higher powers.

Any ideas or stories are appreciated and helpful!

Thank you! All the love, GardenLady

**Edit to add – I’m also seeking out support from a therapist right now, just waiting for a call back to schedule a first appt. 🙂

[tiredandtested]

Hi LadyM,

I really don’t think I have any useful words for you at the moment, other than be patient and follow his lead.

My hubby is 3yrs sober and it was very clear from the beginning that he wanted to handle it alone and his way. All you can do is respect that and make sure he knows you and your partner hold a safe space for him when he is ready.

As for the physical side of your relationship, he is going through a very draining (emotionally and physically) transition right now, he may not have the headspace to deal with that. All you’re lives are going through a massive change and well done for reaching out for your own help.

Take care xx

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