[em73]

Hello there – Im relatively new here, I’ve only posted once before but I do read a lot on here. I am a carer for my aunt who has Wernicke Korsakoff , ARBD and dementia, in her early 60’s. I do not live with her, she has a full time carer and I support her with everything but the actual day to day care.

Im just having a really bad day. I spoke to an oncall social worker this morning as our new one who took over last week is on leave. The bluntest person I have ever dealt with. My aunt does not have mental capacity, falls often, breaks bones etc etc and spends over £100 a day on alcohol. We are on our 7th social worker in 18 months and each time we have a new one we start again at the beginning whilst they assess her- I understand this but my aunt confabulates and is able to tell them what they want to hear to get them out of her house . They always reassess her mental capacity and then I have to guide them back to notes. Several have said they will go to the court of protection for a judgement as my aunt continues to refuse residential care. Today I’ve been bluntly asked “what do you want us to do, she is an alcoholic and what can we do” I rarely talk to them and was very upset, I couldn’t help but cry and she did mellow a little.  I find they tell us they will do something and it just does not happen. She ended the (long) conversation with I suggest you stop worrying and caring, dry your eyes, look after yourself and go and get very drunk.

I am in shock at this last comment and still do not know what to do. I just needed to voice that last part to people who know . Thank you for listening xx

 

[TheShrub]

Hey,

I related a lot to this. I had very similar experiences with my mum, only she never even got to the point of getting care, as she kept refusing it, with social services saying it’s a “lifestyle choice” as the reason to do literally nothing.

I would record any conversation you have with social services. Seriously. It is appalling that they told you to go and get drunk as an outlet to stress when you are caring for someone with Korsakoff. Utterly bizarre, and cognitive dissonance at its finest.

The reason why I suggest this is because it is likely that you will need to put in a complaint about their overall conduct throughout your time as a carer and you need evidence of their incompetence. Self neglect in social services is a HUGE no go for workers. They will use it to evade responsibility, this is partially because they don’t have much support in escalating concerns. If people have “capacity” to slowly and painfully kill themselves through addiction, SW will use it. It is likely that this is why they keep repeating assessments.

Self neglect in older adults is also a sign of suicidal behaviour. You could bring this up to social work, as it may prompt them to do more. If not, you have evidence that you’re concerned about her self neglect and that they chose to do nothing.  https://www.iriss.org.uk/resources/insights/suicide-thoughts-and-behaviour-later-life

I’m not sure if it’ll be the same with you, but when I looked at my mum’s council’s adult safeguarding reviews, that they publish online, alcohol, older age, ignoring family members and self neglect are repeated failures that they do not seem to learn from. I would check yours to see if this is the case.

Overall, they shouldn’t be using “alcoholic” language. They’re professionals and would’ve been told to adopt “alcohol disorder/ alcohol use disorder”. They have a duty of care to help your aunt, and failing that, help you. “What do you want us to do?” How about “try?” They are failing in their duty of care because your aunt is probably seen as difficult, and the capacity system is set up for things such as severe mental disorders and dementia, not really addiction. You deserve better. Your aunt deserves better.

And I totally believe you that your aunt makes stuff up to make them go away. My mum did this and I was never believed. But I believe you. What a terrible day you’ve had, and I’m sorry this is happening to you. But you’re doing the right thing in trying to be the best support you can, even though it is incredibly difficult sometimes.

 

[em73]

Thank you – I really do mean this from the bottom of my heart. You understand and in a way that social workers do not seem to. Two social workers have told me they’ve not come across such a complex case to which the GP said they are lucky because she see’s dementia/alcohol disorder often.

We have had another very bad weekend, in and out and back again to hospital, it is ridiculous and yes your right my Aunt does present as suicidal. Our biggest fear was that in time they would just see her as someone who drinks too much and not someone with Dementia. I always felt the no capacity assessment would be weighty but nope. They’ve said that they are applying to the court of protection this week but we’ve heard it all before.

Onwards we go.

Thank you again for such kindness and good advice.

xx

[TheShrub]

I would think the issue is that your aunt has Korsakoff, therefore they will very easily see her behaviour associated with alcohol rather than anything else, and again, this would be used to evade responsibility.

And I call BS on the SW will said your aunt is the most complex (also, why say that to you? That sounds like your aunt to blame, and therefore you’re partly to blame as you’re in the family, rather than they are bad at caring for you& her). Alcohol, self neglect and capacity issues are incredibly common. Unless they are brand new, then they are lying. I never get why they say complexity is a bad thing. What do you expect in SW? What’s “easy”? Why do you just want “easy” cases all the time?

I also wouldn’t let the NHS get off scot-free though, if she keeps getting admitted into hospital and they keep discharging her (or she may discharge herself?) Without a proper package of care and input from yourself then they’re failing you too.

It’s the lack of responsibility that is painful. They blame your aunt for being complex, they blame you for being stressed, and all the while they don’t have the competence or capacity to help, and they aren’t being honest to you about it.

I wish I could say “if you do x then y will happen” but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I worked in social care and know the system well, and I still got nowhere. I don’t wish to sound too negative, but focusing on collecting evidence, advocating for your aunt as best you can within your own ability (caring for someone with alcohol use disorder is TOUGH) with the hope of calling them out on some crap so they can do better is the best you can hope for.

I am quite vocal with my own story, and I’ve heard from other people face similar issues with SW/NHS when it comes to family addiction, from all walks of life. You are certainly not alone in this, I can promise you that.

It is not you that’s failing or doing the wrong thing.

Hospital visits are never fun, I’m sorry as well you are witnessing suicidal behaviour, it can be very distressing when a loved one does it. And I just wish a medical professional saw this and offered to help you.

I do hope you’re doing ok in this, and I’m glad my words offered some sort of comfort during this very discomforting time. Best of luck with the court of protection!

Take care

 
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