[huddle]

My son visited today. No apologies for not coming to see me last Wednesday. Although I was so happy to see him there was no conversation. I asked how he was but he just confirmed he’s still on the streets begging for money for drugs, hasn’t been eating properly or looking after himself and his flat & admitted to still using weed and crack in high quantities. I was again lost for words as all that has been needed to say has been done over and over again. He wanted money, cigs and food. I fed him and then I broke down. It had no effect and he left telling me he’s been told there is a chance of another rehab placement but only if he can show he’s reducing his volume of drugs. I begged him to try but his expression said everything. I now face the awful truth that this is the way he prefers to live his life and can only hope that one day he’ll decide he wants more for his life.

[retroheadz]

Hi Huddle, if you have ever experienced taking and being addicted to a drug before then you will know the grip it can have on you, and if you haven’t then the grip it has on you is tight. When someone takes that drug for the first time it gives the feeling of relief and freedom that nothing else can provide and it’s truly amazing beyond words. Unfortunately the first time is all it takes to ruin everything and that addiction takes hold fast so stopping for a day feels like someone burning your skin with fire. He will never pick you over crack because crack is life to him and without it he can’t breathe. Your situation is tearful in so many ways because you are totally helpless and will never be able to fix him without intense intervention or immediately residential treatment. He’s locked into easy access to addiction that will continue unless he finally begs and pleads for help but that is offer uncommon in seasoned addicts. Please don’t feel that you are not trying everything as a mother because you are trying more than others. Get some professional help for YOU because you need help first and this site has ways to support families in need. Stay strong.

[retroheadz]

You can contact The Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

[huddle]

Thank you so much Retroheadz. I have only been using this forum a couple of days and already I have received so many kind words from others whose lives and family have been affected by their loved one(s) using drugs. So much of what you’ve told me applies to my son. Although he’s been diagnosed already with bipolar, anxiety & depression, taking the drugs has intensified those pre existing symptoms. He has stolen for drugs money which landed him in prison where he was introduced to spice and attacked. He’s been in two rehabs, the last late last year. After 2 months he looked wonderful and I felt I had my son back. On release he lasted 2 weeks before he was back on the drugs and now it’s worse than ever. He’s sold practically all he owbs for cash for drugs. He begs on the streets, has sold items from his flat (which are the landlord’s). His older sister has had enough and fears for her child, my grandson, seeing him like this. His stepdad can’t deal with it and his birth dad has disowned him. I do feel for him that he is alone apart from his dealers who milk him for every penny. He has a depo injection every month. He’s been homeless (my husband won’t have him live with us) and I fear that’ll happen as he is in so much debt. Financially I can’t help him. I dread the phone ringing or a knock on the door. He has a chance of rehab quite a distance away but he has got to show commitment and reduce his use. I pleaded with him today to try, not for me but for himself. This is my baby and my heart is broken. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m sorry for the rambling post but I’m speaking from my soul. Sending love to you for your wise words. X

[retroheadz]

Hi Huddle, hope your holding up,

It’s very important that you use sites like this to get in touch with your feelings and situations.

I feel it will be enormously useful for you because it will bring you closer to what you can do and can’t do for your son, and we can only do so much. My own brother suffered terribly with mental health issues and eventually I got the call to say his suffering had ended. We all worry about that call but as a mother you will never give up on him and that is a fact. Addicts will always find a way to feed the habit and stop at nothing to get the money to buy the drug even if it hurts others. You have already worked this out but do not give him any money at all! Feed him and assist with recovery support but remember you are not an expert so don’t put pressure on yourself to try and fix him. You are doing your best but ultimately he needs removing from everything and that is a dream we all wish could come true. I wish you all the luck in the world and remember that your a great mother with an independent sick child. I wish I had a mother.x

[huddle]

Ty again Retroheadz. I have felt a lot calmer today after reading all the wonderful posts you and others have sent me. I think the penny is finally dropping that I must not feel responsible for the life choices my son is making. As others have said this is his misery, his journey. I have my own journey to make even if it means we don’t walk the path through life together as Mum and son. I just spend hours wondering where I went wrong and was it something I said or did that drive him into the clutches of local drug users/dealers. I try not to think about it too much as that’s self destructive for me. My son seems to thrive on playing the victim & refuses to accept any responsibility for how rubbish his life has become. I am so so tired with the worry, the stress and feeling fearful practically every day. I smile and laugh with my 5 yr old grandson but because he’s too young to understand and my work colleagues obviously don’t know it’s like living a double life. I’ve become the consummate actress at hiding the pain of it all but I am determined to stay strong and pray that one day soon my true son will take back control of his life and return to his little family. Thank you again for your wise words. X

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