[nikkit]

Can someone please help me, my husband is addicted to coke! It’s not every day, week or even month but when he does do it he binges and it’s destroying me watching this self destruct mission he’s on!

I woke at 7.30 this morning to find him gone, he’d sneaked out during the night only for me to discover he was in a dirty flat with god knows who of his head. He’s spent £300 on it and now has no money until next weeks pay day. He had a well paid job but is in thousands of £ of debt because of it and I just feel as I’m staying to trust him again he goes off on one of his binges. I really have nowhere to turn as I have no family and I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it and don’t know which way to turn! Can anyone help me through this please?

[kel1]

How long have you two been together? Can you leave? How did you find out about him In a dirty flat? Is this the life you want? Is this prince charming? Is this your idea of love?

Ok, some questions above to help you consider your future! There is no healthy love/relationship with an addict. It’s fueled with lies, pain, manipulative, deceitfulness, aggression, Betrayal and so on and so fourth. It’s hell, actual hell, and by the sounds of it he is an active user! You say binge, well I say he isn’t in control, therefore he is an addict. Cocaine is a powerful drug, that hooks a person and changes them into monsters. I’m sure you’ve seen how it destroys them. If he is in some untidy flat with strange people then he is gone, gone to that way of life, and my suggestion would be to leave, because he will take you down with his destruction.

At the end of the day he has to want to help himself, so until he does that there is little you can do for him. You can however make some choices for yourself, by focusing on YOU. If you plan to stay then you will need all the energy you can to withstand this sh**show rollercoaster.

Wish I could be more positive, but read the threads on here and see for yourself all the pain and devastation this drug causes.

[nikkit]

Thanks for the reply, It makes sense. seeing it in black and white makes it more real that I need to put myself first for a change! We’ve been together 20 years married 18 next month and I think about all the years wasted if I walk away but like you said I need to put me first now! I find out where he’s been as he’s not very good at covering his tracks and he eventually gives in and tells me all the sordid details in the end. Your right I need out of this marriage so seeing as I’m the one acting like an adult I think it’s time I got those black bags out and sent him on his way. It’s gonna be hard I know as I really don’t have a support network to lean on but I’ve got to save myself first I suppose. Again thanks for the reply, it’s helped me realise why I already knew tbh bit have been too afraid to do but it’s got to be done enough enough!

[kel1]

You have people, don’t ever stay just because you think you have noone. Well, we are here for you, so are many other support groups. What about friends and family?

I do understand and I may sound harsh, and I shouldn’t but I think it’s important to speak directly. My relationship ended, we also was together 22 years ???? so I get it, and I get how scary it feels. In the end I had a break down so I guess that’s what I’m trying to prevent for you, I went through hell! It’s awful and I’m sorry this is happening to you! But you’re not alone and you should never “put up” because of that reason. At the very least come on here to talk with others.

[nikkit]

I truly don’t have any family I can turn to at all, my friend who I would have confided in lost her partner suddenly 2 weeks ago tomorrow and is still in the very early stages of bereavement and I’m supporting her at the moment so I really don’t want to put any more on her shoulders she’s enough going on without my troubles so tbh this is the only place I have at the moment and you wouldn’t believe how grateful I am that someone’s replied! I like straight talking and sometime being harsh is needed to get the message through so I appreciate it honestly.

I just wish I could find the strength to end the marriage I really do, I’ve involved his mum now and sent him there while I have some time to gather myself which I’ve never done before so I’m hoping it’s the start of me standing up to this addiction he’s got. I love obviously I do I wouldn’t have stayed 20 years, your right it’s having to face the unknown that’s the scary part! He’s all I’ve ever know so it’s going to be hard but I have to be brave and face the reality of being married to a cocaine addict. Thankyou for your advise it really has helped me to see I can’t save him and I need to save myself from him and his addiction

[kel1]

Ah well I’m glad you’ve found support here, so I’d encourage you to keep talking. Of course it’s all you’ve known, that’s a lifetime 20 years, and the unknown is always scary! I’m glad you’ve got other people involved, thats what I did, but in the end they all blamed me ????. Apparently, I shouldn’t have asked him to leave, and it’s ok for him to cheat on me ????????.

Anyways it’s time for you to rest now and gather your thoughts!

Sorry to hear about your friends partner, that’s awful.

[plainjane]

I feel the same and I will be following this tread. Do you have children? I do and for me that makes it so much harder knowing what to do. Are there any charities that people would reccomend for people that don’t have a big network of family/friends?

[kel1]

I have children, and for me it wasn’t exactly harder to end a relationship, as my childrens welfare comes first and not my own needs, desires etc! I was always petrified that he’d lose his job, or get arrested which would lead to other agencies getting involved and there’s no way I’d put my family at risk that way! Plus, what sort of hell are the children observing! Might not be so bad now, and it could get better if he)they seek help, but it could be so much worse.

It’s all about mindset not emotions/ fear etc. And if you think they care about children whilst on that crap youve got another thing coming? They don’t. They only consider themselves and their addiction whilst active.

[plainjane]

I know what you mean, but if you feel that you have little support around you having children does not make the situation easier. Though general children/or no children breaking away from a relationship is harder is harder without support(my personal opinion). Does anyone have any experience good or bad with any charities or similar organsations as a form of support?

[kel1]

All depends on how you view support? There is loads of support out there including, GP’s, MIND, Samaritan, Al Anon, Adfam, fellowships, meet people and so on.

Just because you feel alone, doesn’t mean you are and that is no reason to remain in a relationship that is abusive, because that’s what it is, and the affects on children can be devastating (my opinion).

If you do have zero support then I’d ask yourself why are you so isolated? How did this happen etc!

And breaking away from any relationship is HARD period!

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