[Vivian]

APOLOGIES THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG

Not sure where to start but I’ve been dealing with this alone for years and I’m just now looking for some support myself. My husband and I have been together 26 years but I feel its come to the point I should leave. He has always used recreational drugs but in the beginning this was occasional and socially only. He always told me he’d give up when he was older. He’s now 46 and his drug use is worse than ever. It got really bad around 3 years ago, spending all his money on cocaine and not contributing financially at all. Initially when I talked to him about it, he was receptive and sought help with local drug services seeing a counsellor regularly and even went to a CA meeting and things got a little better. I knew this wouldn’t get better quickly and that there would be ups and downs but I was prepared for this and to support him all the way.

To cut a long story short it’s 3 years later and we are no further forward. He continues to spend all his money on cocaine and I am fully supporting both of us financially. He refuses to get any help, just making false promises of how next week will be different. In addition he has longstanding chronic pain for which he takes codeine, pregabalin and morphine, which he misuses. Sometimes it’s like living with a zombie, he’s so drowsy from overdosing on morphine and codeine, stumbling around the flat, falling asleep and spilling hot drinks over himself. I never know if I’m going to wake up or come home and find him dead from too much morphine. His moods can be so erratic too.

This has been going on so long. Basically we’re pretty much living separate lives. He never wants to do anything. Remarkably he is still working but does nothing else and refuses every suggestion I make. He just works and sits at home watching TV and doing drugs. I used to fee really angry about the Financial aspect as I’m paying for everything but now I’m upset about losing the life we had. We used to have lovely foreign holidays and do all the normal things couples do but now nothing, we don’t even watch the same TV shows.

We’ve been through many ups and downs, periods where things were a bit improved, I’ve moved out temporarily but he’s never stopped using completely over these 3 years or so.

We don’t really have a life together anymore if I’m honest and I’m not sure what it is I can’t leave, but for some reason I just can’t make the break. I’m at the point where I’m thinking that by staying and continuing to pay the rent, buy his food, pay all the bills including his phone, there’s no reason for him to change and that I should leave for his sake.

I’m really struggling as I can’t tallk to anybody about it. Because it involves illegal drugs I just don’t feel I can risk telling anyone as I’d be worried about losing my job.

I’d welcome any advice

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

They also have a free treatment programme for Addicts if your loved one wants the help, give them call or fill in the referral on their website.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Vivian

I am in a similar boat. I too haven’t left .. I did leave 4 yrs ago and he seemed to get his shit together for a bit so we got back together and after a few months it was a slow decline back to old ways to point where now it was as bad as back then…this time he says he really has changed…it’s early days and we’ve been here many times before. something does feel different this time… I’ve mentally prepared myself and will go to seek help/shelter from relatives for a bit as I need to break away if he goes down that path again ..I keep saying if as I feel I need to have some tiny grain of hope for him… I do believe he genuinely wants to change …he’s admitted he’s an addict and can’t stop without help…he’s started joining meetings on line and counting his days clean… Its hard he still has mood swings…and huge debt worries.. but let’s see… I just know I can’t go through it ever again ..my lowest point was two weeks ago which impacted my own mental health and safety. I’ve now promised myself he ever crossed that line again and I’m out and I can honestly say I’ve done everything I possible can to support him

All the while we stand by them and they use , our own needs are ignored. We only have one life , do we really want to see it pass by in their misery .  Don’t ever feel guilty for putting yourself first including walking away

 

 

 

[elf73]

Hi Vivian

Gosh, we all seem to be living the same miserable lives.  It’s horrendous isn’t it?  I’ve threatened to leave so many times and he then says all the right things, promises to change and admits he needs help.  Once I’ve agreed to try again it isn’t long before he slips back into his old way…. its a matter of days.  I put up with his moods and bite my tongue thinking he’s getting out of his system and it will get better, but within about 2 days he is in suspiciously good form.  I suspect he’s having small amount at this stage so it isn’t completely obvious.  If I ask him about I’m the problem and driving him to it. Then days later he’s back to being off his face and the whole cycle starts again.  Except, each time I care less and less about him and what he is doing to himself and I care more about what it’s doing to me.  I therefore think its just a matter of time before I simply don’t love him any more and leaving will be easier.

Reading all these posts where people have gone through this for years makes me so sad and the thought of this being my future just terrifies me.  I can see his mental health declining all the time and I dread to think how he will end up.

If you feel its time to leave, please don’t feel guilty.  You have to think of yourself and as you said it may even help him face up to things once he has to properly deal with the consequences of his addiction.

 

Take care x

[purpleheart]

Hi Vivian .
I feel your pain . Ive also been in this situation  , I still am in some respects but after nearly two years of hoping and trying to fix him I called it quits . I have two little ones to look after and I no longer could deal with spinning all these plates. My OH has never really made an attempt to quit , maybe once before he sought professional  help and he only did that I believe because that what me and his family were hoping would help because we are all of ideas. I too have lived with “the ghost”, finances have come crashing down , he shows no emotion to things he once did , he’s  detached from real life   .
I know how hard it is the think about walking away , I feel it’s like a grieving process there’s different stages , I too have mourned our past life – like you lovely holidays we experienced, adventures and just genuine togetherness.. but he has slowly undone  all of this . He left the family home a number of months ago now and has completely gone off the rails with the using and running debts up  . I know that I cannot allow myself or my children to be put through anymore of this chaos  even though a piece of me longs to have my old best friend back .. but he isn’t ready to be helped yet and I can’t change that and I’ve so so tried since the day I found out . It’s so sad – I’m frightened for him – but as harsh as it is I hope that us leaving will ultimately lead him into addressing his addiction and one day daddy will be back for his children  .

I had to put it to myself like this , I’ve done a couple of years of this and can I see myself here in another couple ?….  Bottom line No . My mental health won’t stand it , I need to function again and be a full devoted mummy again and my husband won’t change whilst everything and everyone remains in place .
Wishing you luck and hugs with your decision , it’s tough and hard ride  ( mines no where near at an end yet ) but it’s the biggest  “ self care” decision you will ever make, be brave  it’s going to be ok xx

[Survivor7]

Hi Vivian,

I often revisit this webpage because over almost two years ago it was the eye opener that kick started my journey to freedom. Everybody comments ” this is like reading my life” and that is because it is and no matter how far you are down this road this WILL be your life forever. Addicts will always be addicts they may well be in recovery at some point but they are only one mishap away from that rabbit hole.

My husband of 19 years became a monster I have no need to list all of the things he did because you already know them as they are probably now happening to you , we also have a child together I worked hard trying to get him  help and support for the addiction for over 4 years my desire to bring back our happy family and give our child their father back  drove me to keep going and indeed there was the odd month of sobriety and then  sure as anything a relapse. He spent 65k on cocaine over a period of three years each relapse got worse. I was impacted by his acute paranoia and accused of all sorts of crazy stuff , I brought drugs tests… he brought synthetic urine to pass them (yes they can buy this) the level they will go to deceive is unreal.

My mental health declined, I started to believe it was my fault you will relate to this because I can guarantee your partner has said it to you, they have a great way of turning stuff around and making your reaction to their behaviours the symptom not the cause.. One day I took a knife and cut my own skin this was the final straw, his reaction was unsympathetic and I was told I was deeply unwell and needed help. In fact I was alone, embarassed, scared, tired and felt hopeless  and I know you all feel this too.

From the outside I portrayed everything as okay it wasn’t…. he had cheated on me, he would  go missing would sit alone in his van watching porn high as a kite. This was to be my future and I was inviting our child to be part of it. ABSOLUTELY not , si I had to grow a pair  this wasn;t just about me and him and I said the next test he failed he was gone, it was hard as I knew he would fail, all the promises meant nothing they were relentlessly broken so I knew that this time would be no different. He failed I kicked him out, I cried and cried and cried it was a release and a relief, now all I had to do was stay strong…. this forum helped I read daily the stories written by broken girlfriends, wives and mothers . He tried to come back I stood my ground this was not the life I wanted for my child and I sure as heck was not going to give him a front seat row and subject him to the same trauma, that would have been on me.

It got ugly it always does , he carried on using and he would go from Mr Nice Guy to threats and still to this day he follows suit.

I grew stronger and stronger and eventually I met somebody new it took a while I trusted nobody and I became closed down. I am now in a healthy loving relationship and when I think back now I see just how manipulated and trapped I had become all because of love.

Our child now does not see their dad, it is the right decision for now, deep down I know he is a good bloke but he won’t ever be the same again and neither will I. I am grateful for the years we had and the lessons that loving an addict has taught me.

There is light at the end of that dark tunnel, this isn’t normal please do not normalise this behaviour and you cannot love them better so please don’t think you can , they love cocaine more than you. more than their child I know that is hard to hear but it is correct, their brains no longer function the same  walking away does not mean you have failed t!!!!  Yes they need support but not at the expense of you being abused physically financially or emotionally sometimes the kindest thing you can do is walk away even when they hit rock bottom the brain is so dysfunctional it doesn’t even comprehend.

They have to fix themselves and they have to want to. I send you all love and hope and know that whatever is happening under your roof now I have been through time and time again whatever promises you have heard I have heard them too . You can either be writing the same posts for the next year one saying everything is great than another a month later saying they have relapsed again or you can be me checking in to see just how far you have come and how dark that time was and posting your own journey to recovery .

 

I hope and pray it is the latter.

[elf73]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Wow, Survivor7.  First of all I’m so sorry for all you went through but well done to you for staying strong.</p>
Secondly, I feel like I really needed to read this tonight so I owe you a huge thank you.  For the first time in my life tonight I had a fleeting thought that I may as well kill myself (I don’t feel like that now).  I had a huge fight with my other half and a said I wished he would die.  I don’t.  I really do not wish that.  I’ve spent so long being scared that would happen due to his addiction that I think I think i just blurted it out to try and hurt him like I had been hurt.  Of course I immediately felt awful, I felt like everything he has said – that I’m nasty and it’s all my fault – I felt like it was all true. That I was to blame for everything.  He is always putting me down and making me feel like crap and it all just got on top of me tonight.  I felt so bad about myself, so defeated, like I was trapped and it was mever going to get any better. I had nothing left.

I came on here as it always gives me strength.  It reminds me that it isn’t me, that is him (or rather his addiction) talking.  They are all the same, coming out with the same excuses, accusations and insults, to make you feel crazy.  They don’t care one bit about what it’s doing to you, just what they can get away with.

Your post made me realise how I am normalising his behaviour and as a result doubting myself.  I’m letting myself be spoken to and treated in a way that I should never put up with.  I’m walking on egg shells in my own home.  I’m scared to say the wrong thing in case it triggers him when in reality I’m not triggering him… he’s just using me as an excuse.  He’s making an absolute mug out of me and I’m letting him and feeling bad about it in the process!  If someone else told me they were putting up with this I’d tell them to run a mile.   I’d say what the hell are you doing with him?   Yet here I am.  I need to get a grip.

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/
They also provide free treatment if an addict wants to get clean, have a look at their website

[Vivian]

Firstly I want to thank every one of you for your replies. But reading all your messages I can’t help but feel guilty. The things you have had to deal with are awful and my life is no comparison. My husband doesn’t really ‘act up ‘ when using. To be honest I barely notice the difference when he is or isn’t using anymore. We aren’t in debt and he rarely speaks to me badly. I almost feel I shouldn’t be complaining here but all I know is I’m not happy

[kulstar]

Hi Vivian

This isn’t about comparisons (in the nicest possible way btw!). Everyones suffering is unique to them and your opening statement on 8th Nov 2022 reads very differently to your last. Addicts have an art of manipulation (excuse my bluntness, as a recovering addict I gained a PHd in manipulation) whereby they create illusions and you end up with the conclusion that all isn’t bad. I always in this type of scenario ask Would I want my son/ daughter to end up with x? (x being the addict)

No chance. You’ve mentioned all the money he has goes into coke, what else could that money be used for? You might state you don’t know but you know it could be put to better use. We all know cocaine is terrible for your respiratory system, mixing it with all the others he is currently on surely is a toxic mix.

You mention you don’t do things that normal couples do which is sad. My dear wifey and I tried to do these things and we did. Except I wasn’t in the moment and always wondering about the next hit. We would go out to eat, was I hungry due to the effects of coke, no. Would I drink more than I should, yes I did. Did I make the evening last all night, yes I did. These behaviours aren’t normal. I could never just be in the moment because the moment supplied no hit, always chased the next high which never came. My emotions had become numb to give or receive love due to too much cocaine.

You know you deserve better than this. Don’t fall into the trap of this isn’t perfect but it’ll do. Only you can decide what makes you happy but am sure it’s not this. If he shows no signs of improvement or wanting to stop then how do you know it’ll ever get better? Well here’s the truth, it won’t.

Food for thought, your heart will say stay but logically using your brain can you?

[eddie123]

<span style=”caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;”>Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. </span>https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

[eddie123]

<span style=”caret-color: #000000; color: #000000; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;”>Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. </span>https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

They also have a programme that can help your husband. It is a free service.

 

 

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

They also provide free treatment to the substance user if they want the support themselves( under the adapt programme on their website)

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