[sae1996]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to get some of your opinions on my situation so here is a quick overview:

Me and my boyfriend are both 22 years old and have been together since we were 14. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and is addictive to drugs, predominately cocaine.

In March last year he went to rehab for 28 days, and we were all relieved as were excited for this fresh start. He was doing great, I got to visit on weekends and I loved seeing the man I fell in love with slowly coming back. Things were great, but he relapsed after 7 and half months of being sober – this was a really hard time for us both and we agreed to do what we could to ensure it didn’t happen again – although this is his decisions and I am there for support. He started attending meetings on a more regular basis and things were looking up.

However, he relapsed again after a month of being sober at his Christmas party and this ended up being a bender and lasted on and off for two weeks. After 3 weeks of being sober, he has relapsed again. I really am at a loss, it’s like getting water from a stone.

I feel like I am the only one who actually cares, I know he cares and this is an illness and sadly we have no control over it but I feel alone. I do not feel that he has a good support network around him. His family are obviously aware of the situation, and they knew he relapsed the other night and allowed him to keep his alcohol and let him drink in the house – this to me is absurd and I really want to address this issue with them, but do not know the right approach and don’t want to seem to opinionated and bossy. It’s difficult because he’s done the 12 step programme, he has a sponsor so he knows what to do if he is struggling, but he isn’t reaching out to anyone or going to meetings.

I really love my boyfriend, and its hard to see him go through this again and I refuse to live my life the way I was for the last 4 years as it was hell but it seems it’s slowly going that way. I know I need to focus on me and I am, but he is the love of my life and I feel that there is more that can be done to help.

What are you thoughts? I’d love to speak to people who are going through a similar thing – I have been to Al Anon and didn’t feel brave enough to speak as I was the youngest there and didn’t feel like I belonged.

Thank you x

[danman83]

Ive got a coke problem. But not had it since the new year and i risk losing my gf and kids if i have it again. Im doing everything possible to stay away from the stuff. My trigger for coke is alcohol the min i have it, i have to ring my dealers or mates up for it. Its quite young that to be an alcoholic, but i guess it effects anyone. If u want him off the coke he needs to stay off the beer. What advice can i give to someone whos been to the meetings and knows how to,

Does he want to quit it all?? Thats the main thing. Plus he needs to change his life around and cut all his mates out.

Did u really think he would of stayed soba at his xmas party? Some times you have sacrifice things for you to go forward.

[sae1996]

Hey! Thanks for your reply.

I’m really glad to hear that you’re trying your best and you’re on track. Addiction is a horrible illness, so I wish you well.

My boyfriend is the same, he will only do cocaine if he has drank alcohol. I know he is young, but he was diagnosed when he was at rehab, and he was the youngest there. That’s what I am struggling with the most, he knows the tools and he knows what to do – he is clearly really struggling at the moment and all I wanna do is shake him but there is nothing I can do.

He does want to quit, he hates it and regrets it straight away but its something that gets the better of him unfortunately. He did it before, and I agree about changing his life. He has massively, he got a new job as his last wasn’t good for him, he has made new friends through rehab and going to meetings.

At the Christmas party, no I didn’t – I really did not want him to go and he didn’t want to go either. As he was new to the company he felt obliged to go and felt he would be able to just show his face and leave – but if you’re an addict – that is not going to happen. So I was not shocked that time around, just felt sad and hopeless.

How’re you finding things so far?

[danman83]

Im doing good so far.. im having dreams every night using, and im feeling gutted when i wake up, like ive used.

My story basically, im 35.. been using for 8 year and its been like once every couple of week, sometimes once every 2 month. And sometimes once a week for a month.

But before xmas i went a bit bad. And i had to get help. My gf and mum are helping me.. tell your bf to search louise clarke on you tube and put cocaine/crack part 1. Shes great and helps with coke addiction.

Ive started reading books, which i never do. To take my mind off it, and im decoaratin. Russell brands got a book out on addiction which ive bought.

Theres loads of C A videos on you tube to watch people telling there stories.

And ive just downloaded an app called pocket rehab. Its were addict and ex talk to each other. Its great! And helps!

Going back to the xmas party.. he should be more bothered about his health and you. Instead of showing his face. A lot of people i know have commited suicide from coke. It sends you and the worse downers ever and suicidal thoughts. Ive got 4 kids and have these every time i use. Cried my eyes out alot im ashamed to admit.

But im sorting myself.

[sae1996]

My boyfriend also has dreams about using and I think this is one of the triggers.

Great to hear you’ve got a good support network around you – do you think you’ll attend meetings in your area? Yes Russell Brand is wicked – my boyfriend has the book and had to watch his documentaries in rehab.

I will let him know about the app!

I know I agree – he is a people pleaser which isn’t always a good thing. He is still young so I think that makes it harder also. I am terrified about the side affects of coke, and I hate it so much but me going on will not help (trust me I’ve tried everything haha)

Don’t be ashamed of your addiction, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You are doing a great thing right now – you should be SO proud of yourself, I am sure your girlfriend and mum are also. 🙂

[danman83]

I had 8 councilling sessions about 3 year ago. And it worked till 3 month later and then tyson fury was fighting so i got on it lol.

You think after a couple of month your sorted and ok but your not. Your brain tricks you in to getting it.

And your right hes 22 does he really want to stop going out at his age. I bet its hard for him. Does he drink everynight?

I bet youve tried everything, theres not point giving up if u have been together since you was 14.

And thanks for the kind words.

I cant drink at all now. May be when i go turkey in july. But thats it for me 🙁

[sae1996]

Least you know counselling helped!

Yeah I know it’s mad, once he was out of rehab it was like a dream everything was good, there was no issues! We went on holiday, went to gigs and had the best time then its all come crashing down.

He doesn’t really go out, he does it on his own – this is how I know it’s a bad problem. He doesn’t really like going out partying. He used to drink every day, but since coming out of rehab he hasn’t it’s just been these times he’s relapsed.

That’s how I feel, like we’ve made it this far, but then I’m like this is my life too? This has consumed my whole life and that’s hard.

Drinking isn’t everything anyway, I am sure you’ll be great and enjoy your holiday! 😀

[danman83]

Well thats my problem ive been doing it on my own. You sound a really nice. Tell your bf he will lose you if he carrys on lol

[sae1996]

Yeah it’s not good!

He knows that, I’ve told him a millions times haha – it just hasn’t happened. He finds it hard to talk to me about it also as I sometimes just fly off the handle and get really mad. From your point of view, do you find it hard to speak about? Like if someone was suggesting things to you would you find that frustrating?

As he has relapsed, he doesn’t want to talk about it so today we haven’t and its almost like it hasn’t happened. Of course theres that tension and elephant in the room. But when stuff happens, I like to address it there and then and just get it out in the open, neither of us are going to like it – but it seems he doesn’t want to even talk about it – perhaps this is because he feels embarrassed?

Thank you very much, you too!

[danman83]

No i speak about it and regret it. And i know my gf dont believe ill stop and that annoys me. Sometimes i think she wants me to fuk up. I show her these videos am watching and books about addiction and she dont seem interested.

My mum texts me everyday which is good.

And no any suggestions would help, whatever to stop. I wish i never hung around with the people i did, i wagged school , no gcses, and i regret it all. Im on good money now and work in the bank tho. Am goin on now haha

[adamuk]

Hey, you have to be patient. Speak to him when he’s sober. More people than not will never quit. If he’s having it here and there it’s not an issue. I used to be the same but if you carry on then here and there turns out to be all the time. Try mindfulness or if he is religious try praying. I’ve found through my research that people who are addicted are not happy with something on their lives. I used to be shy and it gave me confidence. We as humans are made to connect with other people we are social when we can’t sussfully connect with other People we connect with drugs. The more you argue with him or threaten to leave him it will have the opposite effect. No one stops until they really want to. Support him love him. It’s hard. Also look in the net for something called gabba and natural foods to increase dopamine in the brain. It is a life long battle ! Have to fight it everyday. I am trying and that’s why I joined this forum talking really helps try the charity mind and counclling !

[sae1996]

I agree with all you’ve said. I am patient and do only try to talk when he’s sober but when I found out he’s relapsed its only natural to want to talk there and then because I am so sad, 1) that he’s relapsed and 2) to know he’s suffering and feels he cannot tell anyone!

He went to rehab last year so knows the tools and what to do, it just seems he’s lost his control now and is struggling again. I just feel resentment and so many questions go through my head, like what are you doing when you’re high? You don’t talk to me for hours, so who are you talking to? It makes me paranoid.

I know it will have the opposite affect (tried it haha) and it doesn’t work. Please can you enlighten be on the dopamine in the brain? I have never heard of this before and am interested.

Its a life long battle you are right, and I do want to be there every step of the way supporting him but it’s hard when you feel that you are no longer important to that person.

I like talking too! Makes me feel less crazy haha.

[adamuk]

When your high you don’t want to talk to anybody that you know because they can tell you are high. He is most likely watching porn lol !

Dopamine is a chemical in the brain. Google cocaine and brain chemical changes.

[icarus-trust]

Hi SAE,

I’m sorry to read your post and hear what a horrible time you’ve been having for the past 4 years. It is sad that you feel alone so please contact us at The Icarus Trust if you think it would help.

We are a charity that provides support for friends and families of people with addictions as we know how hard it is to cope. Our trained and experienced people would understand what you are going through and you could talk with one of them if you get in touch which hopefully might help you not to feel so alone.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Wishing you all the best..

[Author]

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