[missx]

Hi everyone,

Apologies if this post comes out a jumble of words, I am completely overwhelmed at the situation I find myself in and just don’t know what to do for the best.

I have been reading all your posts and have found them really comforting. I think I would be especially interested in replies from @Jamesb and @danman83 from the point of view of a recovering addict or anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has relapsed after a long time being clean.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and he is truly an amazing person with the biggest heart.

I have been worried about him for the past two months as he has been very evasive – making plans to meet but then cancelling for various (plausible) reasons at the last minute. Also asking to borrow money (which he has never done before) but, again, the reasons were completely believable.

In the end, after two months of not seeing him and him not showing up to my house on Friday when he had promised to come and talk, I was so worried that I ended up sitting outside his house on Friday night until he came home… at 2:30am.

He was really shocked to see me, he didn’t want to look at me and didn’t want me to look at him. The physical change in him in those two months was immense – the weight loss, the hollow eyes – I couldn’t believe he was the same guy.

I told him I was worried about him and said that we didn’t have to talk right then but asked if he would come home with me, get some sleep and we could talk in the morning.

As soon as he got in my car he broke down and told me he had relapsed. I wasn’t even aware that he had a drug problem in the past. He told me everything – that he had been clean for 10 years but stupidly went out around three months ago, got drunk and did a line, thinking that would be it… of course, it wasn’t and for the past two months he has been in a complete relapse. He had been avoiding me because he was so ashamed and didn’t know how I would react.

I genuinely believe he wants to get help and I trust that he can beat this – he has too much that is good in his life to let this beat him. He has told his employer and they have put aside money to get him into a detox but there is a wait for this.

I guess what I am asking is how I best help him in the meantime. I have never done drugs in my life and, honestly, am very niave to the situation.

I have told him that I will not give him any more money but that I will cook him food and that I want to be there to support him. I just don’t know if my presence is cushioning him? I was supposed to take him for an assessment today in preparation for the detox but when I went to his house to pick him up he wasn’t there and his phone was going straight to voicemail.

He has since messaged to say that he got a nail in his tyre and that his phone battery died. I don’t even know if he went to his assessment as I haven’t responded to him yet. His employers said they will keep his job open for him as long as he continues to engage with them but I just don’t know if he is.

Maybe having me there is making him think that even if something bad happens it will be OK as I will be there to pick up the pieces? Should I continue to offer to help him with getting to appointments etc or should I just be there at the end of the phone and tell him I will be there when he comes out the other side – whether that be as a girlfriend or a friend.

I love him so much walking away would be the hardest thing but I want to do what is best for him as I know in the long run I will be OK.

Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for any answers, advice or suggestions!

[missx]

Update: we’ve just had a huge argument… the first of our relationship! Him accusing me of ignoring him, being too clingy by showing up at his house and treating him like a child.

He asked for money and when I said no he told me I was on a power trip. Am I hurting him more than I am helping him?

[sew26]

Hi Missx,

I don’t know exactly what you’re going through my partner has been abusing cocaine for the last few years and has never really been in extended recovery.

But I just wanted to say that from my experience you’re doing everything right. Refusing to give him money but cooking and offering a lift if he wants to get help.

I’ve found the YouTube channel Put The Shovel Down to be really helpful.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone.

Sending love,

Sx

[missx]

Thank you Sew…

I will definitely have a look at the YouTube channel as I just feel lost at the moment so any insights are gratefully received.

x

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