[zoeg]

Hi everyone, I’ve posted before about my partner who’s 41 yrs old and taken coke for 20 yrs.

We’ve been on and off for 10 mths.

He currently uses twice a week, lives at his parents (since lockdown) so goes to a hotel to use. He uses on his own.

I’ve told him for our relationship to continue he needs to stop but am I right in thinking I have zero influence on him? He said for him to make the changes I need to show more commitment to the relationship…..is this manipulative or am I being over sensitive?

He takes a gram each time and gets so messed up he can’t speak anymore. The other week he also spent £200 on crack (he said he’s not taken it since).

Am I banging my head against a brick wall? He’s been living this life for 20 yrs, been married, has a child and still that didn’t change anything.

Any advice/input on this is appreciated.

[stephie86]

Hey, firstly sorry you are going through this. I can only speak from experience, attending family groups and reading, there is nothing you can do to help him get better. Showing more or less commitment to a relationship won’t change anything as the addiction is in him and only he can change that.

Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of the 3 c’s for people affected by a loved ones addiction, but it has helped me lots. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it. It’s so easy to take blame or feel we aren’t doing enough, I’ve been there, but honestly there is nothing you can do apart from if you decide to stay in the relationship be supportive but always put yourself first x

[zoeg]

Thanks Stephie86. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s said he’ll stop then blames me for not providing him with stability – I refuse to let him live with me as when I have before he’s just done coke in the house and he thinks we should be living together for the recovery to work.

I don’t know if you’ve experienced this but his behavour can be quite erratic, nasty at times (he’s called me a c**t a few times) and he has to go the pub a couple of times a week – usually the morning after taking coke too which leads to a full day of drinking.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Zoe,

So sorry that you are going through this with your partner and his coke habit. if you would like some help for yourself please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people dealing with addiction in their family. We have a team of trained Family Friends and one of them would talk with you if you get in touch. Maybe that would help you to answer your questions and see a way ahead.

You can get in touch on contact@icarustrust.org

Good luck.

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Zoe

I’m so sorry that you are going through this too.

I’m in a somewhat similar boat, except I live with him and have a young child with him.

I’m currently in the process of trying to leave ASAP. I’ve been trying to leave for months but having to wait to get housed. Living with this is horrendous, an absolute nightmare and I’m just hanging on to the thought that I will eventually be free.

Otherwise to get out I was told that I have to leave and declare myself homeless (the council said they understand it wouldn’t be intentional homelessness).

So my one was originally doing coke recreationally max once a week if he went out and not even a whole bag… maybe a few lines. He was high functioning at this point. This then progressed to more frequent use and what I describe as the beginnings of the addiction. He had a friend who was a coke addict who would do it with him. To be honest, a large proportion of people in the area we live in do coke recreationally, so it is everywhere!

I think, unfortunately, this kinda normalises it and addicts use this as an excuse… like saying, well everyone does it… or well X does it so it must be okay.

Someone then showed him how to convert the powder into a smokeable form – crack basically. It was at this point that things really spiralled. Slowly over a few months he started to do it more and more until he was using as often as he could get it financially. Pretty much daily or like 4 or 5 days a week.

He got me into so much debt. His mood and behaviour is so awful when he doesn’t do it that I was basically enabling him for my own safety. Otherwise, he is violent and abusive. He has fallen out with so many people and created ‘beef’ with people. It completely brings out a terrible, erratic side in a person.

He drinks and smokes as an aside to doing the drug… so spends a lot of money on that as well.

He is now no longer able to hold onto a job. Bills remain unpaid. I often don’t have the money to buy food for us, which is ridiculous and distressing as I have a child to feed. I spend my time worrying about money when by myself I’d be fine. I really resent him for this. I think it just shows how selfish this addiction is and how you get sucked into living a life you’d never choose for yourself.

The reason I say all this is to show you… starting on crack is not a good situation… they say one hit of it is enough to start off a very serious level of addiction (people will sell their possessions and become homeless because of it type level). So your partner may say or think that he’s only done it once or he is only going to do it that one time, but I’d be very wary of believing that.

Also the blaming – my one blames me for EVERYTHING. He blames me for him using… if he tries to stop and restart then it’s my fault for causing him to restart (he will make up an argument or say I’ve dissatisfied him in some way). In fact, in more enlightened moments he’s confessed to actually starting arguments so that he can use it as an excuse to get himself one to ‘feel better’.

I think he is being manipulative. Mine does this too. I think you have done very well to not live with him or share any kind of finances. I think that if you read enough of the stories on here and other sites like this you will see that you may never be able to progress your relationship beyond how it is now.

If you are waiting for him to quit, 20 years is a long time to have a habit. He has to want to quit for himself and it doesn’t sound as if he wants to. Even if he does, do you think you’d ever be able to trust him?

I know with mine that there is too much water under the bridge now. If he did manage to quit, I’d never be able to trust him or stop worryinf about whether he’s started using again. I can’t stand his abusive and controlling side and I think these are side effects – potentially permanent ones – of taking the drug for so long.

Fact is – we did not start this and we are not to blame. We are not forcing them to use.

[zoeg]

I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, waiting for housing is no joke. I have to agree with you that dispite mine saying he doesn’t use every day and he still runs a business (which to be fair just involves laying in bed replying to emails) a 20 year cocaine use must have a massive impact on his brain, how it functions and deals with emotions.

He seems very aggitated when he doesn’t get his own way and is putting intense pressure on me to move him into my new home. My parents and friends would be mortified as they know he uses every weekend. He’s saying to me that I need to give him a chance and that he needs stablility to make changes……I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting him to move in but I’ve only ever experienced stable relationships and at 50 yrs old I don’t want this to be may life story

[donthaveaclue]

Please put yourself first and do not bow to his pressure to allow him to move in with you. It will not end well.

At least at the moment you have independence, space from him and boundaries. If he moves in with you then you’d lose all that and he might start using in your property.

I really resent the fact mine does it in the property – I don’t want to be around it and even if you are never in the same room when they are doing it, I believe it still has a residual impact as it gets in the air and on surfaces and the floor etc.

Plus when they use like this, they become dysfunctional and you have this person either on it in your property or on a come down in your property. It’s horrendous.

Do you have any nice times with him? Does the relationship still feel worth staying in?

[zoeg]

To be honest I’m managing to pull away.

His alcohol and coke use seems to be getting worse in terms of an increase in the number of days he’s drinking (which leads to coke obviously) and he went to a casino in London this week and said he lost £4,000.

What I struggle with is how much he says he hates himself and I feel sorry for him – he has zero friends either

[stephie86]

I agree with you, it kills the trust so much. Not that it would make anything easier to have to be in a relationship with an addict but if they were honest and up front about it, the trust would still be there and If they were to become clean then there could be hope. But it’s not that way unfortunately.

Thankfully my ex partner was never verbally abusive calling me names, but would definitely start an argument if I bought up how things were making me feel, that argument that she turned it into then “allowed” her to storm off and use, and it would be my fault as to why she left! The blame is very easily reversed unfortunately.

There is no amount of love we can show

Or give them to make them give up or get on the road of recovery unless they are truly ready!

When it turned to crack, it got horrendous, the lies, the arguments, the secretiveness, not turning up, going off places all the time, I mean this was all around with coke, but when it turned to crack, all this ramped up drastically.

[donthaveaclue]

Yeah, crack is truly horrendous.

I really can’t see any way he can get off it unless he were to go to rehab. As soon as he starts coming down by not using for a day, or recently a day and a half, he becomes so vile until he uses again. I felt so much stress and guilt as I was just dying for him to use again just to stop him being so vile to me. It’s ridiculous and so sad.

He is literally spending every penny he has access to on it! I never thought he’d turn like this. Underneath I know he knows how bad it is as well… just by a few things he’s said. Part of him doesn’t care and part of him does but I think he knows that he cannot just stop and he has no idea what to do.

[stephie86]

It’s such a shame, as there is not enough services out there for help when they are ready, takes so long for help that their minds can be disheartened so quickly and turn to what they know! My ex said if she didn’t stop it would be life or death, she knows how serious it is but the cravings take over all that. It’s so sad for them but also so sad for us as we see or know who they are underneath it

[zoeg]

I think the issue with this man (I’m loathe to use the word partner anymore) is he refuses to get any help as doesn’t see doing coke once a week (it’s rarely only once a week) an issue. I have told him time after time that it’s how it impacts his personality and that it’s lead to gambling and an inability to be financially stable. He’s paying on average £320 per week on coke and hotel accommodation as he doesn’t take it while at his parents.

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