[kelly1980]

Hello,

I don’t really even know what to write tbh, I’ve recently found out that my partner is heavily addicted to cocaine and I’m frightened to death and have no clue what to do or how to deal with it ????????

[redfox20]

Hi Kelly, sorry to hear this it’s such a shock at first and so overwhelming to take it all in. Can I ask how you found out?

[kelly1980]

Hi, I had my suspicions for a while and he had admitted to having a line here and there but he broke down and told me was addicted in March and being in excruciating pain with his mouth and teeth!!!! He said he was desperate to stop and that it just hurts him to use it now but he quite quickly started using again and has done weekly/ daily since………….he’s hiding things a lot now and being very discreet about money etc but Ive physically caught him out several times and he’s always try’s to deny it initially but then attempts to be a little honest. He’s under quite a lot of pressure at work and is using that as his excuse to keep using and just keeps saying things will get better

I’m so worried for his health and our financial situation as we have 4 children and he’s the only one working at the moment. I feel completely lost as I’m sure he does too

[redfox20]

They can use it for so many reasons mainly mental. I’ve heard of addicts relapsing because of pain with teeth or muscles etc, it’s unusual he says he used it more because of this and got addicted. He may of been addicted for some time but hasn’t been honest with you and could be using that as an excuse sorry but the lengths they will go to to lie and cover up their use shows no bounds. My ex would have it right under he’s nose and still say it wasn’t there. I have 4 children also and what I would say is to firstly encourage him to get help you can’t force it. If it’s left it will get worse my partner goes on like we don’t exist now and I had our last child 10 weeks ago our first daughter too even she wasn’t enough for him to stop nothing is unfortunately unless they want to it’s so sad it’s destroyed our family. The longer they are addicted it changes their personalities too to a point where they will do things that they would never of done before like neglecting their children bills jobs and family all to keep their addiction going. I would see what he says about help if he will go to ca meetings or he’s gp and go from there I wish I hadn’t helped my ex or stayed around it’s been nearly a year since it became obvious my ex was addicted and I wish I cut ties sooner as in the end I had to my mental health got so bad as even when he was home and not using I was worried about when he would next relapse it’s not a healthy way to live for either involved but if they can’t or won’t change you have to detach yourself for your sanity only way it’s hard but each day it gets easier & sadness turns to bitterness and you won’t want them in your life anymore sad but true.

[sunny77]

I agree 100 % with this , my husband 19 years just cut myself and his 15 year old son off because we told him we can longer deal with his addiction and all the awful behaviors that come with it.

They will choose cocaine over people they once loved every time without exception.

[redfox20]

Sorry to hear that, it’s awful isn’t it how it changes them. All we can do is put ourselves first unfortunately as they do themselves whilst chasing the next high they do love us and i think they would rather be clean and free but they continue to block out the pain with drugs that they need and feel they can’t function without it’s a vicious cycle, hopefully one they can only put an end too one day.

[sunny77]

Absolutely, it’s hard because you know it’s an illness, but eventually even that doesn’t help the pain of being on the receiving end of their lies & manipulation, whilst they literally feel nothing.

I will say though that, I’ve been in “ I can save him mode “ for years before it actually sunk in that I was helping nobody and damaging only me .

I read all this stories of partners just finding out and I think of how I was just like them and knowing what lies ahead truly is heartbreaking.

I’m pleased you are slowly healing too, the hardest thing is closing that door and maintaining your boundaries. But after every plea for forgiveness follows yet another lie or verbal abuse when you call them out .

Especially when they are quite the narcissist anyway. X

[redfox20]

It is hard to accept its an illness not a choice and to also not take it personally too. It’s awful all round, and not having control over it is what I struggled to deal with at the beginning. It plays on my mind most days it’s hard when you still love them even if you don’t like them, my ex has in nearly 4 weeks since a relapse lost two jobs and been using ignoring me at the moment because it’s too painful I think we are a trigger for them too sadly so im hoping he hits rock bottom he’s lost me the kids two jobs close to loosing he’s car it’s on finance and he hasn’t made 1 payment. Am I deluded waiting for rock bottom one can only hope I wouldn’t help him get better I’d be supportive and encouraging but that’s it because I don’t want to get hurt anymore he has he’s mum I’m just hoping he chooses to change he’s got nothing more to lose at the moment.

[68862]

Hi redfox I’m responding as a mum of a coke addict and completely resonate with everything you’ve said. My daughter in law was strong enough to ask him to leave (he came to us but I wish I’d let him go on the streets tbh). What he put her through and us now was disgusting. He more or less bankrupted them with his gambling, drinking and coke use. His personality has changed, he was his dad’s mate but he has turned him into a wreck. My daughter in law lost weight, hair and became so anxious that she had to think of herself and our grandson and I thank God she did. He spent all their money so she couldn’t get formula for the baby or pay the mortgage. He got her into so much debt and she’d never had a credit card before. He’s verbally abused, disrespected, lied, conned and controlled us to the extent that we are adamant if he uses again we will be cutting all ties with him. (He last used on Saturday but I believe because of the amount of money he’s had off us he hasn’t stopped using in the last 3 years since his break up.) As a mum it is heartbreaking to see your precious boy grow up to become this vile person. We are average, working class people who have had no experience of any type of drug use or addiction before our son became a heavy gambler and coke user. We are devastated and beat as you can imagine so I salute you for putting yourself and your family’s well being first and I will advise any wife, girlfriend, partner to run for the hills. They have to recover themselves and we have found to our cost that no amount of enabling will change them x

[redfox20]

Hi so sorry to hear of your sons addiction, I have found this whole situation with my partner devastating. I can’t imagine the pain if it were my son, sending love & strength to you. It’s awful the lengths they will go to my ex hasn’t yet stole or been abusive but I won’t tolerate the drug use and the lies he’s spouts to cover it all up either. Thank you before this I was a very strong person but it has broke me I had my daughter 10 weeks ago & my anxiety was through the roof I went into my local doctors begging for blood tests to see what was wrong, at the time we were really good he hadn’t used for 8 weeks but I knew a relapse was pending and sadly it happened not long after this. My mental health has to come first as my children need me more than ever I knew detachment was the only way. I have enabled him at times only to help him stay off the drugs with diesel money to get to work but I know now he wanted the job to get money to use, I wouldn’t help him in any way now though father of my children or not it all has to come from him. He lives with he’s mother i can only imagine the disappointment she feels and she can’t be happy he’s there he is worse with her as she works until late so he slips off before she’s home. I don’t know whether rock bottom will fix him he’s pretty much there already time will tell, that’s if he’s mum doesn’t hit her own rock bottom like I have and pulls away. It’s sad because they need us more than ever but their actions push us away it’s a awful cycle of chaos one I’m glad to no longer be apart of. I hope your son gets help I really do but either way be kind to yourself and put you first in all this it’s the only thing we can have any control in all of the madness.

[68862]

It is an awful cycle of chaos you’re dead right and I know they don’t start out to be addicts but the fact that they would even want to try it baffles me. Its the bravado a few beers gives them I guess. I’m glad you put your family first like my daughter in law. She put up with him until their son was 8 months. He was useless. I hope you get stronger, your babies will be ok if you’re ok. Keep doing what you’re doing my lovely. Xx

[sunny77]

My husband also went to live with his mum until in the end she kicked him out after the police were called by my son after he rang him saying he was going to end his life, he was supposed to say a few weeks 4 months later he was still there, he manages to convince her that he isn’t using and I have tried time and time again to try and make her look for the signs but I guess it’s denial.

This may seem weird but I get to the point when I can envisage the funeral and people upset and my standing up and saying ” why didn’t you just believe me”

Masters of Manipulation, Like Redfox says you want to help them so badly but you just can’t reach them.

My husband says he will get help as he wants his family back but I do not see him getting it , his behavior does not match his words in the slightest it is just one large game of deception.

It took me years to get here and my mental health suffered as a result , when I look back now I wished I had seen sense sooner , but like addicts having to reach rock bottom I think we also have to hit our own rock bottom to have the strength to stop running into a burning building and getting burnt trying to save somebody who we know will run straight back in again.

What we thought was supporting was actually helping them to get further away from us. x

[Author]

Posts