[becky90]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner 10 years, when we met I knew he occasionally (socially) used cocaine. Since then we have 3 children and in the last few years we have realised that his cocaine use is out of control and he now admits he is an addict.

He knew I wouldn’t put up with it at home so he would lie about his car breaking down or needing to work late etc. It all came to a head when I wasn’t sure if he was having an affair or it was drugs…it was the drugs.

A year ago I asked him to move out, he left but we have been trying to make it work. He had a few months of not doing it but then the lies crept in again and I knew he was using again. Over Easter he did it consecutively for at least 6 days. He blames me and says if I just let him move back home he wouldn’t do it again but I can’t believe that, he’s now in a lot of debt, he has been aggressive verbally and has broken a mirror in anger.

He did it yesterday whilst at work. I found out. I’ve told him I no longer want to be with him and I don’t want him to see the children anymore because I can’t trust him.

He’s begging for another chance but I just don’t know what to do, he has made no effort to get any help etc and thinks he can just do it alone. I just feel gutted and dont know where to go from here.

[danman83]

Hiya becky, hope you are doing ok.

I’ve been using coke for 11 years but I’m now 10 days off 4 month clean. The best clean time I’ve ever done.

1st thing is in no way this is your fault, so don’t question yourself about it one bit. Saying if you let him move back he won’t do it is just lies and bullshit. We’re ever he goes he is addicted, so he’s gonaa have the same problem back at yours.

This is what I did to stop and what he needs to do. The 1st thing really is he needs to want to quit for himself. This is really important in recovery, if its you or a family member wanting him to it won’t happen 1 bit. He can try but the will power is not there. When coke is wearing off it sends u on a downer and depressed and suicidal and this is why I just had to quit I had had enough plus a few other reasons.

I tried lots of things to stop, hypnotist, councilling, take up hobbies and it does work for a few week. But then u think u are cured and your not.

So on boxing day I decided to join Cocaine anonymous, I don’t know if u no how this works, but u work the 12 steps and get a sponsor and other addicts numbers, go to meetings, and u connect each day and this is a big part in recovery. I always said I’d never join. But I did. I feel like I’m getting my life bacck now, I’ve never felt so happy. I do have my bad days as well. But I’m stronger now

Plus alcohol is a main trigger so u have to quit that as well they come hand in hand. Delete also dealers numbers, friends who u use with. Come off social media as u can message dealers on there as well.

Feel free to ask me anything

[becky90]

Hi Dan, thanks so much for your reply. I saw some of your replies to others- your family must be so proud of you, not only for getting help for yourself but also being there for others.

I know that coming home won’t make any difference, he was using whilst he was living here (not in the house but making excuses to go out) so it would just be an excuse for more lies. I called his GP for him but they wouldn’t speak to me and he won’t call himself. He did go to one group in around October last year but he said it wasn’t for him and never went back.

I totally agree about him needing to want to quit, he says all the right things but there is no action behind it. Payday comes and 3 days later the whole wage has gone. The main issue is many of his dealers are ‘friends’ and many are work colleagues, despite him telling them that he has a problem they just turn up at his work etc. He rarely drinks although when he does it is a trigger, he doesnt have social media and he has previously blocked the numbers but they are on a list of ‘blocked numbers’ so they are easy to find.

I have asked that he doesn’t see the children until he is well but I’m not even sure if that’s the right way to go. I am just so scared he is going to die and I am trying to shield the kids from that as much as possible. He has been complaining of pains in his chest and keeps saying that he wants to die.

Keep positive Dan, you are doing great ????

[danman83]

Thanks for that ????

I was exactly the same with the groups, they are on zoom now, so he can just have his camera off for now, he doesn’t have to talk. I had zero confidence, made a balls up of talking 1st time but kept coming back. I’ve been on the meetings 112 days I think now, and I’m only just talking. You just have to take baby steps. Some people are not as confident as others. We need to face our fears. And coke makes you have no self esteem what so ever. Plus there is the talk of God that puts people off, u can have your own higher power, mine is the universe and energy as it is everywhere. Basically like the law of attraction. You treat people well, you get good back in life. If this makes sence.but if he trys them again just tell him babysteps and dnt be put off, we are all in the same boat, just listen to the stories.

I have done all this with the numbers but there is ways around it, blocking the nums it will still have them in numbers blocked. So just delete them. Or even get a new sim. When u are apart of CA u get other numbers, loads of addicts, you phone them when u are struggling and your sponsor so this could help with friends at work. I have had to cut family off who use. Recovery comes 1st then everything else falls into place.

Regarding the kids this is just my opinion, your there mother u know best, let him see them when he is not using, don’t let them stay at his if u think he is using. If you stop him all together I’m saying 90% he will just go and get smashed feeling sorry for him self making him worse. But this is up to you.

Him saying he wants to die is what

Coke does to you it sends you depressed and suicidal for days. Then u use again then same again Monday. Its horrible.

I’ve known friends who have had strokes from coke. He needs really want to quit for himself. Get rid of every friend are family member he knows to do with coke, and start working on his recovery. It’s hard. But the rewards are great. Feel free to ask me anything

[becky90]

The problem with the groups is that he ‘doesn’t do talking’. Even though we have been together 10 years everything with him is on a need to know basis and always has been, he doesn’t like to show weakness and he believes that showing any emotion is weak. I’ve never once seen him cry, even during all of this.

He has spoken about getting a new phone number but its always when I have said that I give up on him and he never actually does it. I have been everything from understanding and sympathetic to taking his keys and getting angry but nothing seems to work. I’m not a push over but its so difficult to know how to react to him when he is like that.

He came over early this morning to see the children, I didn’t have have heart to turn him away and as you say I have a feeling it will make it worse if I do. I just don’t know how many more chances I can give him.

A song came on in the car earlier and he turned it off and said he couldn’t listen to that so it does seem as though he recognises some triggers but he just seems to ignore them a lot.

Thanks so much for listening.

[danman83]

He sounds like something has bothered him from his past and is very reserved. There is a doctor he is on you tube, very famous called doctor gabor I think, he studies addictions and child hood traumas, he says all addictions are from some child hood trauma, do you recan this could be the same with him?

That’s the wrong menatllity showing emotion is week. Maybe in war yes lol. But not as a human being. Its a human emotion and natural. I’ve cried loads of times on coke wanting to quit when it’s wearing off in desperation.

Sorry for asking but what was his dad like growing up with him? Was he strict? U don’t need to answer that if u don’t want to.

The thing is with our triggers ect.. It’s like having a devil and angel on your shoulder all day arguing, shall I get some shall I not. Not all the time – but a lot. And you limit these triggers by turning off the radio or going a different route so you don’t go past the pub. But also deep in are sub conscious are brain is tricking us in to getting some. It’s crazy how it all works and I’d be here all day explaining it lol.

Did he use last night?

[becky90]

I actually don’t know the answer, I have asked the same questions myself, not about his family (as far as I can tell they are lovely people but not very talkative about emotion themselves). I think if anything his parents were much more lenient with him than his siblings.

I have even gone so far as to ask of he is gay and struggling with it. He just insists that there is absolutely no trauma and no big issue, he just partied too much when he was younger and it crept into home life more and more.

I’m sure he must get upset when alone but it’s certainly not something he would share with anyone.

He said something along the lines of.. ‘No I didn’t but you don’t believe me whatever I say, so believe what you want’. I honestly can’t be sure.

How are you doing? X

[danman83]

I can’t believe u asked if he was gay ???????????? that made me laugh.

Ye he definitely will do alone, especially on coke and when he’s ran out, that’s all there is, you and negative thoughts. It’s awful.

I’m doing great thanks. Doing my step 9 now, I have to apologise to people I’ve upset in the past. So I apologised to my mum today. Was quite emotional.

Just spoke in a meeting, which I hate talking publicly lol.

But ye everything is all good.

How about you?

Were in UK are u from?

[becky90]

Haha he has never done anything to make me think it was a possibility either but I thought if nothing else it would shock him into giving me some answers lol.

I’m quite an open book so it baffles me how he can hide his feelings and its even more heartbreaking that he’s probably suffering alone.

That’s fantastic news, I’m really pleased for you. I’m sure your Mum is really proud of you. The talking will get easier I’m sure and it’s good to get it out. How are things with your partner now?

I had a rough day yesterday, all just got on top of me I think but today was a good day. I’m near London, you?

[danman83]

Some people are just like that I guess. My dad worked as a prison guard at a well know prison for like 30 years. And he never told me more than about 2 prison stories. He rarely speaks and just keeps things to himself. He’s never done out. Some people are like this.

It is getting easier, and I’m feeling better for doing it.

Ye were good I just need to make amends to her and apologise. I tried doing it today and she said.. Take that fukin smile off your face and do it when u are serious lol. I was just nervous, I wasn’t having a laugh like she thinks.

Try and take up some meditation or yoga that works for me. I’m up near Manchester ????

[becky90]

Yes I guess you’re right, I find it hard to comprehend but he equally finds my emotions hard to understand.

At least you’re taking responsibility for the things you’ve done, it’s a really brave thing to do. I’m sure the best apology for your family is that you are recovering and everything else just helps to rebuild the trust along the way.

Yes I will definitely try that, do you use an app?

[danman83]

I just search them in you tube, guided meditation, or just relaxing meditation music. Or chakra ones, or law of attraction. It really does help and gets u ready for the day.

Some people thinks it’s a load of bullish.. T but it’s not when u get into it

[becky90]

Sounds good will give it a go. Thanks ????

[danman83]

I just search them in you tube, guided meditation, or just relaxing meditation music. Or chakra ones, or law of attraction. It really does help and gets u ready for the day.

Some people thinks it’s a load of bullish.. T but it’s not when u get into it

[notmyrealname]

Lol I’m So glad I’m not the only one who questioned if their partner is secretly gay. I have asked mine that also as there doesn’t appear to be anything obvious that he’s running or trying to escape from. I know lots of people with addictions have been through a lot of trauma but he had a good upbringing and his family are so involved and always help him out.

I thought is he gay or is he having an affair as all the secretive behaviour.

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