[a-lone]

I have been with my partner for 16 years, all of that time he has been a heavy drinker, but over the last few years his drinking has become a real problem. He is literally drinking himself blind with strong lager. He has been diagnosed with optical atrophy and was told if he did not stop drinking he would lose his sight altogether. He can be very verbally abusive, very difficult to live with a permanent embarrassment. I am really struggling with this feel enormous shame and am constantly lying to both of our families to hide his problems. I know I have fallen into the whole enabler/cover up merchant trap. The worst thing is i know this yet cannot break the cycle. He goes from saying it is all his fault in a morning to its all mine by tea time. He has never really been nice to me and i cannot think of any time over the last 16 years when he has really made me happy and don’t know why I stay. I know I am strong and also have a very supportive family and don’t want my children thinking this is normal but cannot leave. I know when I do i will be free from stress, apart from normal stress that is not caused by another person. I think he will die from this and I feel that I know how this story ends and I will be the one picking up the pieces. Alcoholism is a disgusting disease and he is fully in the grip of it. Sadly he is pulling me down with him. He has lost any sensitivity and is a shadow of his former self. Even writing this I feel I am betraying him, but I hope that I am getting to the stage where I can move on for myself. I have disengaged from him to some extent but I still feed him .. Enabling him. I feel so bitter towards him I feel it is so irriparable but something must be there between us or it would be easy to walk away.or am I just trapped in the whole alcoholism process?

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