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Hey all, so as you can see from my previous post my boyfriend was taking cocaine behind my back for months. Every time I pulled him up on it he denied it. Even though I knew and he knew that I knew.. I gave him so many chances, held him whilst he cried to me saying he hates it and doesn’t want to take it, it was so obvious that he was addicted but he would never admit it then the cycle would start again. The confusing part; he would never disappear, turn his phone off or go on weekend binges. He wanted me with him all the time, even when he’s taken it.. He would beg for me to stay with him.. It was a crazy time and I was so drained and thought if I left he would do something stupid (looking back I know it was just pure manipulation!)
Anyway. As you can see from my last post he promised he’d stop and get help. Nope, it continued. So I left. I’d had enough I could not cope anymore and I knew I had to get away. For my own sanity. I’d become so focused on his addiction that id lost myself.
The best decision I could have made for myself. I packed my bags and got a one way flight. I stopped all contact and concentrated on me. He never gave up, I had messages, calls etc for the entire time but I was done and I made that clear. I felt amazing! Like the strong, outgoing independent woman I was. He knew I was not messing around anymore. I wasn’t returning. He was a mess and I was told by many friends/family that he’d gone off the rails and was rock bottom. I felt heartbroken for him but he had to do this for himself.
Plot twist!
Fast forward to now – 9 months later. We are actually back together and have been for a while. I returned from abroad due to a new work opportunity. He knew I was back and it went from there. He said whilst I was away that he would sort himself out. I never actually believed him but wow. New business, cut off ‘friends’. Went to the GP (which is massive for him!) No social media. Stopped drinking alcohol. He is 6 months clean and I am so proud of him. He is a completely changed man, so affectionate, caring and such a better person to be around. It’s like our honeymoon phase is now. He’s saving money, we’re planning our future. Everything is amazing at the minute.
However, the damage is still deep rooted in me and I still find it so so hard to trust him completely. I feel paranoid if he has a runny nose (which happens a lot even when I know he hasn’t taken anything), if his mouth tastes slightly different when we kiss. If his attitude is different. Honestly I feel crazy at times like I’m always looking for clues that he’s done it even if I have no suspicion that he has. Every time we see any family/friends he’s very honest to them about how he’s stopped and doesn’t take it anymore. But why do I still feel this way? He knows if he goes back to it I’ll be gone so maybe I worry he’d just hide it? I hate feeling this way! We do have home testing kits but I don’t want to go backwards when we’ve gone so far forward. It’s just so hard to completely ‘chill out about it’ I’m on edge if it comes on tv, if he bumps into old ‘friends’. I hate feeling this way. Ahhh. Very sorry for the very long post! Xxx
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Happy for you!!! Well done for putting yourself first. You have take take care of you before you can take care of others. Wishing you both lots of luck!! Xxx
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Recovery is life long – and even if he relapses – at least he has tried.xx
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Hi,
I can totally relate to your struggle to ever trust him again,
and the sandpaper tongue when kissing is a pretty big give away when my partner is doing coke, although I guess other things could cause that, but like you, I would struggle not to be paranoid about any of these things.
I guess all you can do is hope he is being truthful and know that if he is lying it will have a way of coming out without you really looking for it as a proper case of addiction becomes pretty apparent especially if you have already lived through all those lies already.
fingers crossed for both of you.
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I’ve just read your story after you replied to mine. So similar! But I am so happy for you that you are both in a better place now and he got the help he needed. It’s sad when you watch someone waste their life who you care about. X
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If it was an affair you wouldn’t find it funny someone joking about the person they cheated with and I find the cocaine is like an affair, breaks your heart, destroys the trust, makes you doubt everything, so no I don’t find it funny either.
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By the way I don’t think it’s worth arguing over when he’s worked so hard ( I wish my husband could do 9 months clean) .but I’m saying I can totally see why it hurts.
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You are not overreacting, its normal that you feel traumatised and dont find it funny. Dont doubt yourself.
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I don’t blame you as the drugs make them such persistent liars, and I am sure there have been many times that you have thought you were paranoid but turned out not to be.
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Exactly, you are probably traumatised of all you have been through with it, I know I feel traumatised from the things I’ve put up with and seen.
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You have I promise done the right thing.
Trust has been broken a long time ago.
Without trust there is nothing.
Your intuition is screaming at you
An addict will lie and manipulate you for as long as you let them.
They will tell you want you want to hear.
They become empowered as you fall for their lies and become broken – you become co dependent – exactly where they want you.
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You’ve absolutely done the right thing! Esta’s words are perfect. You need to put yourself first and think about the kind of life you want to be living in a year or in ten years. Stay strong. Sending you love. It was so hard for me to leave my addict but a year on I am so much happier and I wish I had done it sooner. You deserve better
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It takes time doesn’t it
But it does get better – so much better
Believe in yourself
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You’ve absolutely done the right thing! Esta’s words are perfect. You need to put yourself first and think about the kind of life you want to be living in a year or in ten years. Stay strong. Sending you love. It was so hard for me to leave my addict but a year on I am so much happier and I wish I had done it sooner. You deserve better
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You are not overreacting. You set your boundaries, he agreed to them and he broke that. You deserve so much better than this. It sounds as if yoi are being manipulated.
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Hope you are ok.
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It’s so normal and anyone who has lived with an addict will recognise and remember that dreadful manipulative behaviour
They reverse it on you totally so the problem is you; not their behaviour
Everyone does it – it’s not a problem -lighten up – I’m not addicted – I can take it or leave it – just one last time
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I know you are really hurting right now
It’s overwhelming and so confusing
But it will get better
you won’t get the answers you are looking for but you can make the best decision for yourself
Let it all go and let yourself live again x
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Honestly you have gven a lot of time patience, love, understanding. You have gone above and beyond. You dont deserve to be manipulated!
Please choose yourself.
Don’t betray yourself anymore.
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Honestly you have gven a lot of time patience, love, understanding. You have gone above and beyond. You dont deserve to be manipulated!
Please choose yourself.
Don’t betray yourself anymore.
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Honestly you have gven a lot of time patience, love, understanding. You have gone above and beyond. You dont deserve to be manipulated!
Please choose yourself.
Don’t betray yourself anymore.
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Honestly you have gven a lot of time patience, love, understanding. You have gone above and beyond. You dont deserve to be manipulated!
Please choose yourself.
Don’t betray yourself anymore.
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Addiction is life long – it never goes away
Literally he will tell you what you want to hear
We have all been there it’s horrendous
You are the love of my life
I can’t live without you
I Promise I won’t let you down again
I swear to you I will never ever touch that crap again
It’s endless
But it always gets broken and you will be left feeling betrayed and let down
Their is no romantic happy ending just the endless cycle of trying to catch him out and being suspicious and driving yourself insane
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You need to remember its not about you. It isnt personal and he didnt do it to hurt you. But I think hes given you a clear indication that this behaviour wont change. It is about him, and your decision is about whether or not you want to accept him as he is. There is no shame in walking away if that means you are going to have a healthy and happy future. Honestly I haven’t looked back, it has taken a long time to recover from the abuse but I am so so so happy I did it. When I was trapped in the cycle it felt like there was no way out but basically I was addicted to him. I was taking him not using as a personal victory and him using as a personal failure. But it isnt about us. You can choose to get off the ride. It takes a lot less strength to leave than to tolerate what you’ve tolerated so far trust me.
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Great response
So true
It’s so complex but strangely so simple
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Once the trust is broken in any relationship it’s over
With an addict it’s impossible because in the end there is no truth or trust
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Esta is bang on about trust. 18 years of us so called being honest and it turns out he lied for at least 2.5 of them. Now the only thing is can believe is that he’s been on drugs, has now (probably) stopped and is definitely sorry, ashamed and regretful.
But…. i don’t believe for one second i know what’s really been going on. There’s a massive cloud of horrible mystery above our heads.. was it *only* coke, when/where/why/what he was doing when he was on it (most days for the best part of 28 months)? I don’t trust him and i don’t even trust me any more. My judgement has failed me completely.
We’re sticking it out as best we can…no promises from me other than you relapse, you’re gone and i can’t guarantee our marriage will survive.
I don’t want to lose our dreams or ruin the kids lives, but that first day he chose drugs over us HE threw it away. We’re just scrabbling through the wreckage now.
He’s 163 days clean now and i don’t feel like congratulating him, i feel like slapping him… he shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
They use us and abuse us, and leave us feeling as if we’re the ones with the problem.
I get that for many drugs are a way of surviving horrible life experiences, but my husband has led a charmed life whereas I’ve been through more crap than not. Yet… he’s the one who turned to drugs. In ca they quickly learn it’s them being selfish that causes their addiction. And it’s true. They don’t give a damn for the consequences or who they hurt. He worked hard at his addiction before he lost control, i worked hard at pickings up the pieces.
We’re all here just hoping that our loved ones don’t relapse, but it’s in their nature. It’s almost just a matter of time.
I hate my new life of ptsd, depression and anxiety. But… I’m taking control gradually and im damned if I’ll be pushed around anymore.
I’m dreading the relapse but in some ways it would be easier than sitting here playing Russian Roulette with my heart.
All love to my fellow sufferers xx
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You are asking him to make promises that you want – not what he wants
You can’t control him
Coke controls him
You say – don’t use or it’s over
He uses – the you argue and stay….
He won’t stop
You either stay and accept the coke
Or you stick to your guns and move out and have a healthy happy life
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Have you seen danmans comments or posts. I had never heard of it before but he talked a lot about triggers and presumably the pub and probably the alcohol were the triggers to him if you’re saying he not been out in so long. He probably connects these with doing coke if that’s what he did before, that’s how he’s given in so easily after doing well for so long.
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Any LIFT can trigger it
Alcohol – Red bull is another
rarely do they do just coke
Tramadol, pregabalin are favourites – they apparently take the edge off and they are as easy to get hold of as smarties which is how most people take them – by the handful
Don’t be fooled or shocked by the depths of addiction because if you dig deep enough you will discover the truth
I put a tracker on my husbands van and watched him cross crossing the town with a dealer – I spoke to him on the phone and he told me he was on the scaffold at work and he sounded so plausible all the I love you can’t wait to see you later etc
This went on for weeks it hurts but that’s what happens they live a secret life they have to lie – but again that’s a choice they make
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Danman is himself on his own journey
He has relapsed and admits it’s a life long journey
I applaud him facing it and talking about the addiction from a Users point of view
Even he says talking about it can be a trigger
He has recently relapsed and separated from his family heartbreaking
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As the others have said it’s not to do with you, although of course when it’s us telling them of for doing it then we are going to the first one getting the blame back. Unfortunately going the pub for a drink might be something he can’t do. He obviously has some work to do if he wants to change but didn’t identify that himself. Yes he’s still addicted a lot of people say it’s a life long illness and you’re only ever recovering never recovered.
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Even going to score is part of the ritual
Watching a film with drug use in
Smells
Clothes they were wearing
Going past a road
Money/ a cash point they used to draw out scoring cash
Music
People
It can be the tiniest thing
There are so MANY tiny little triggers
It’s impossible to eliminate them all
If you have been up for hours and hours and mix in the strain your body is in from the high you are beyond knackered part of you begging for sleep but if someone put a bag in front of you you could not resist It would be the automatic choice above anything or anybody or any commitment/birthday/anniversary
They choose the drug over you every time EVERYTIME
No matter what damage it will cause
It’s not personal – it’s addiction – it’s not as simple as saying stop
Extinction in the brain takes a LONG time and I don’t think it ever goes
I have spoken to many addicts and no matter how bad some of their lives have become it becomes who they are
Some people are lawyers and spend their days in an office
Some people spend all night doing drugs and all day sleeping/seeking them
There is a community and a network they become part of
I have friends who are essentially homeless Sofa surf
I have another friend who is a bricky who after twenty years of being a functioning addict has now had a complete breakdown can’t leave the house
My brother in law had his own home/ business but got into coke and then heroin (started smoking it for the comedown and it became lead drug) started drinking to numb the comedowns died age 39 homeless
He denied all the time right to the end that he had a problem – he had it under control
People class my brother in law as the Stereotype drug addict
That’s why so many of us partners get confused when out partners function at some level
My husband hid his coke addiction and because he worked/functioned looked normal from every angle I had no suspicion or idea
Literally no idea – and I suppose because his brother was off the scale I never thought he would go that way Or destroy us and our life but he did because he is an addict and that is who he is and has been for twenty years
We HAD the most amazing life and Future together it’s so hard to accept that he put drugs before this again and again
But he did – it got completely out of control and he has been sectioned and is wandering around asking the doctors for coke – not how his family is – just for drugs that is his primary need and concern
I chose to break free and remember who I was and live again
I don’t have to lie or pretend anymore
I don’t go without because all the money is gone from the accounts
I am absolutely in love with life and no one is going to control or darken my life again
It has taken me nearly nine months to make sense of what was going on and come to terms with it and begin to move on
Some days I have been crippled with grief but they do get shorter and i snap out of them by then remembering something awful that happened
We all want our stories to be different
Our husband to be the one who chooses us over the drug for
That our love/relationship is stronger than the addiction
But it’s a romantic daydream
The reality is a living nightmare that will go on until we wake up and decide to retake control
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The Scorpion and the Frog fable says it all:
A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, they would both drown. Considering this, the frog agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When the frog asks the scorpion why, the scorpion replies that it was in its nature to do so.
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Wonderful fable. Thank you for sharing
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☺☺☺ sums it up tragically well xx
I’m deeply sympathetic for those souls trapped in the addiction cycle, but we need to save ourselves first, lovingly supporting them from afar is sometimes the only way to keep ourselves afloat xx
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You are strong I can see that in your words and in time you will see everything in perspective
It takes time and a long time to come to terms with the many betrayals on so many levels
I thought I would never feel normal again but time and space are the healers
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thank you esta xxx
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Absolutely agree!
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How did it go?
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Im so sorry you are still going through this but only you have the answer. Read back through your previous posts. It has been a year and a half. You can see the pattern. Im sending you big hugs and always here to listen. But all I can say is leaving is the best thing I ever did.
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