[angrybird]

I’ve been with my partner for about 8 years. I found out about 2 years into the relationship that he uses cocaine. I’ve been to the doctors with him, bought test kits from eBay to monitor his use as I don’t want him being around my family while he’s high. He doesn’t care though, he sneaks around and carries on doing exactly what he wants. He disappears before I come home from work and can be gone the whole weekend with no contact. He must block me as my messages do not go through. A part I’m struggling with though is the fact he’s been sleeping with lots and lots of other girls. He’s done so much to me over the years I would be here writing all night. I’m so angry with myself because I can’t seem to break away from him because I love him. I also hate him too if that makes sense. I feel guilty when I end the relationship because I know he needs help and there is no one else to help him as his family are all dysfunctional. He also threatens to kill him self if I don’t take him back. As soon as I tell him I love him he gets cock sure and distances himself again. I would love more than anything yo make it work but I’m really, really struggling with getting over the girls he’s been with, that are all local too and I bump into them all the time! I feel guilty for focusing on that aspect of the whole situation, I feel like I’m making it all about me when it’s him that clearly needs help. I can’t seem to move past this though, I’ve tried for nearly two years to forget them. I hate myself for putting up with him. I don’t think he will ever change. He always says he wants to but continues to sneak around. I don’t trust anything he says anymore. I feel weak for putting up with him but guilty if I kick him to the kerb. I’ve told him that I can’t carry on unless we go back to the doctors and get some sort of counselling. He says he will but I know he’s only telling me what I want to hear.

[jadeem]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Similar situation here. There is nothing worse than when they go out and do not make any contact. Has he referred himself to any Counciling. I can recommend talk to frank they are really helpful and can find local support

[angrybird]

Hi, sorry to hear you are experiencing the same as me! it’s horrible isn’t it? I’ve been to the doctors with him before but he refused the offer of cognitive therapy, only because at the time he knew he didn’t want to come off them, he was just visiting the doctor to give me what I wanted. He says he has spoken to the doctor 3 weeks ago but I don’t believe him. He said the doctors advice was ‘stop drinking and you won’t want the drugs’. As if any professional person would just send you away with that advice.! When I asked if he has offered therapy, he said he was sending something through the post. That was another dishonest response, I don’t think he would have said anything only I asked. I don’t live with him no so will never find out if anything has arrived. thank you for the recommendation of Frank, I have a few things to consider now. I hope your situation gets better for you, take care

[dot]

I’m off to bed but will reply tomorrow just browsing late will get back to you. Read some other threads about cocaine behaviour it will help

[dot]

Alot of his behaviour sounds narcissistic actually.

He is tearing you apart I can see it in what you write.

He’s scared to live without you but also loves the drug hence why he keeps doing it. You need to get strong and be able to focus on yourself for a while.

He will choose the drug because it’s selfish it’s all typical cocaine addiction behaviour the disappearing for days… The lying… I bet who you confront him about it he turns it on you.

It’s all the same. You need to get strong and walk and I know it’s hard but it won’t change especially if he doesn’t want too.

This is from me I’m a cocaine addict who is clean and living a better life but it took mountains for me to get where I am.

What made me stop my wife left and o knew she was serious. I said cocaine will not take anything else from me. So now I stay clean and always will be for me and my children.

Here if you need any advice or have questions.

You are not at fault. Do not enable his behaviour and borrow him money or put up with it because it won’t get any better.

Sorry for being blunt.

[angrybird]

Thank you so much for your reply. Sorry I’ve only just seen it.

You are so right in what you are saying. He is scared to live without me and that’s his selfishness again, he never thinks about my mental health. You are also right about him turning things on me, I am always to blame for his behaviour but I’m not a horrible person.

I’m so happy for you that you managed to get off the drug. Can I ask what process you went through? In your opinion, do you think he can get off this drug by himself without the help of some counselling or cognitive therapy? He says he’s been to the doctors because I’ve told him I won’t move on unless he gets clean. He was very vague with the feedback though. He didn’t even mention the appointment until I mentioned it. I asked him what was said during the phone conversation with the doctor and he was very vague, he was laughing while he was telling me too. He told me the doctors’ advice was to stay off the drink and then you won’t want the drugs! I don’t believe that he’s actually spoken to the doctor for one second. He said the doctor is supposed to be sending something to him through the post. I don’t live with him though so I will never know. This is about 3 weeks ago and he hasn’t mentioned anything since. I refuse to bring it up now, I’m waiting to see if he mentions something first.

There have been a few weekends lately where he hasn’t been in touch on a Friday of Saturday, saying he has no Wifi, he tells me he’s at his home though!

I’m absolutely sick to death of trying to read between the lines in his messages, I don’t trust him at all.

I never give him any money, he taken from me over the years. I have my own house and I’ve let him live there practically rent free. He loses so many jobs due to not turning in because of withdrawal or owing colleagues money for the drugs.

He portrays himself as being in a better place at the moment, although he came out of work last Friday, said he had a stomach bug, that sounds alarm bells with me, I can’t even trust him to have a bug!!

I am pleased to say that I’m in a better place at the moment too. Because of lockdown I haven’t been able to see him. I think I’m using that as the excuse to be honest.

I really value your advice and thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I’m so glad you managed to turn yourself around, you sound like a great dad, take care

[libertas]

This now has to be about your own mental health and state of mind. You know if you carry on it will continue to ruin your life. You’ve given it 8 years that’s nearly a decade. I want to say leave him but obviously the threat of him self harming worries me so I would say you need to seek professional advice for yourself on what to do and take action immediately. The blatant harm that’s been done will be hard to ignore moving forward but it sounds like the quality of the relationship has been compromised and his addiction has taken control of his and your life. Concentrate on your well being liberate yourself and maybe just maybe he will too. Good luck angrybird

[angrybird]

Thank you so much for your reply. I didn’t expect to get one, I was happy for just sounding off, like I was screaming really. What you have said means a lot to me and I know you are right. I told him I couldn’t move on unless he got help. He ‘says’ he’s been to the doctors but I have no proof of this. He didn’t mention it until I asked (after the appointment). I know if it was me I would have called him straight away to talk about it. There has been no mention of anything since and it’s been a few weeks now! I have made my mind up that he is just stringing me along, telling me what I want to hear so I get drawn in again. I’ve decided not to mention the ‘doctors appointment’ again, just to see how long it takes him to mention something. I do feel a lot better lately. I have been limiting the messages and occupying myself at home. I feel in a good place at the moment and feel even better after reading your message thank you so much

[angrybird]

I have replied to you somewhere in here but I think I replied to myself!!!!!!!!Thank you

[angrybird]

Thank you so much for your reply. I didn’t expect to get one, I was happy for just sounding off, like I was screaming really. What you have said means a lot to me and I know you are right. I told him I couldn’t move on unless he got help. He ‘says’ he’s been to the doctors but I have no proof of this. He didn’t mention it until I asked (after the appointment). I know if it was me I would have called him straight away to talk about it. There has been no mention of anything since and it’s been a few weeks now! I have made my mind up that he is just stringing me along, telling me what I want to hear so I get drawn in again. I’ve decided not to mention the ‘doctors appointment’ again, just to see how long it takes him to mention something. I do feel a lot better lately. I have been limiting the messages and occupying myself at home. I feel in a good place at the moment and feel even better after reading your message thank you so much

[icarus-trust]

Hi Angrybird,

Thanks for sharing your story and I’m sorry that your partner’s cocaine habit is having such an effect on you. Yes he does need help but it sounds like you could do with some yourself.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust. we support the families around those with addictions because we know how difficult it is for them. we have trained and experienced people who you could talk with if you get in touch which might help you to see a way ahead.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[angrybird]

Thank you for reply and thank you so much for the website details. I will definitely have a look, I have realised that his actions have had an impact on my mental health and I need to try and work on myself.

[Author]

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